Should I be worried or offended that my fiance brought her vibrator to a bar w/o me?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Is she that horny of a woman that'd she take herself to a public restroom and start masturbating?

 

That sounds highly unlikely, especially if she's premeditating it while she is sober...maybe someone drunk would pull something like that, or a freak but you seem to have a close enough relationship where you'd know that she's the type to do something like that on occasion.

 

It's definitely suspicious, regardless of the fact that you cancelled at the last minute...maybe she quickly went into plan B mode, maybe she was showing her lesbian friend it, maybe it had nothing to do with the bar and she had it in there already like someone else mentioned. Maybe she finally got the nerve to do something with the lesbian friend or one of her friends.

 

It doesn't sound like she is satisfied with the relationship, I think you have to start talking about any issues present and covering the bases, because that's not normal unless it was normal behavior for her and even then, the way she stormed out and got upset, regardless of if this is her regular behavior and attitude seems really suspicious...even if what she is trying to cover up is merely out of embarrassment.

 

Let's put it this way...whatever it is, doesn't sound good!

[PinkSapphire]

I am not a bar-goer so cannot comment on that, but I do want to set some of the ignorant male posters here straight.

 

As a very horny woman, I do carry at least one (small) vibrator with me during horny times. For instance, there was a stretch awhile back that I brought it to work with me just in case (they were single-use bathrooms far away from the offices and labs).

 

Sometimes you are out and just CANNOT wait to get home, especially trying to drive horny. It isn't safe and you are in a BIG hurry, so speeding and not focusing on what you are doing. I can totally imagine needing to get off (5 min max, so nice to just get some release quickly) so you can get on with your day or night. It isnt always convenient to jet home for the 5-10 min one needs.

 

So, yes, bringing one with her while out is not crazy or out of the question for "normal, solo use." Maybe she hasn't been satisfied with her sex life and, thus, has been hornier and more desperate lately? Maybe sex with you is no longer getting her off so she prefers the quick guarantee of her own skills? I would not jump straight to the "affair!" wolf cry, but if your gut is screaming, def look into it.

 

Just my take

[Ninjainpajamas]

I am not a bar-goer so cannot comment on that, but I do want to set some of the ignorant male posters here straight.

 

As a very horny woman, I do carry at least one (small) vibrator with me during horny times. For instance, there was a stretch awhile back that I brought it to work with me just in case (they were single-use bathrooms far away from the offices and labs).

 

Sometimes you are out and just CANNOT wait to get home, especially trying to drive horny. It isn't safe and you are in a BIG hurry, so speeding and not focusing on what you are doing. I can totally imagine needing to get off (5 min max, so nice to just get some release quickly) so you can get on with your day or night. It isnt always convenient to jet home for the 5-10 min one needs.

 

So, yes, bringing one with her while out is not crazy or out of the question for "normal, solo use." Maybe she hasn't been satisfied with her sex life and, thus, has been hornier and more desperate lately? Maybe sex with you is no longer getting her off so she prefers the quick guarantee of her own skills? I would not jump straight to the "affair!" wolf cry, but if your gut is screaming, def look into it.

 

Just my take

 

You're talking about a public bar restroom here...not work, work is one thing where you can have some privacy but with the little "nrrrrrrrrrrr" sound going on in the next stall, do you really think no one is going to know what that is? you're more likely to do in the car.

 

And wouldn't she have gotten pounded before she went out to the bar is she knew she was going to be horny?

 

She's in a relationship, not single...there's obviously something going on with their sex lives/relationship.

 

You really think that this woman popped her vibrator into her bag, while going to meet friends in a bar, to use in the public restroom because she couldn't have waited to get home?

 

I get what you're selling, but I ain't buyin.

 

- signed man with high sex drive

 

I ain't jackin off in no public restroom and jizzin all over the place because no one can hear me and I can swallow my "grunts" when blowing

[behindbleuiiiis]

Are you SURE she's not bicurious at least? Only other thing I can think of is that her and her lesbian friend might have thought about trying to have a little fun on the side.

 

A few years ago when we would talk about threesomes and such, she was ok with another girl as long as she didnt have to do anything. I remember me asking as a fantasy if she would for me, and she said she would possibly finger another girl if she was drunk, nothing else.

 

Since than, not much has changed. This girl she went out with has a ton of connections to a lot of our friends and family, I HIGHLY doubt, based on my experience and gut, that anything was going on with the friend.

[behindbleuiiiis]

OK, she went to the bar, how long did she stay? Did she go elsewhere before or after? That vibrator explanation is the smokiest smoke I've ever seen here. Have never known a woman to carry a vibrator in her purse for normal solo use. Doesn't mean they don't exist, but that, together with the explanation, the defensiveness (whether or not she's reacted that way before), and the reduced sex in your relationship is telling.

 

One other thing, do you trust the guy who texted you? His text is highly coincidental in the context of everything else to the point of fishiness.

 

The bar that she went to is the one that when we go out, we always go to. Her ex is a regular there, her friends are regulars, her brother goes every weekend, and I know a bunch of people that frequent it quite often.

 

The legitimacy of the text is imo not an issue, but I can see why you brought it up.

[aed]

A few years ago when we would talk about threesomes and such, she was ok with another girl as long as she didnt have to do anything. I remember me asking as a fantasy if she would for me, and she said she would possibly finger another girl if she was drunk, nothing else.

 

Since than, not much has changed. This girl she went out with has a ton of connections to a lot of our friends and family, I HIGHLY doubt, based on my experience and gut, that anything was going on with the friend.

 

And with an OM? and that mutual 'friend' is covering for her (because this NEVER happens)

[Mme. Chaucer]

She's having an affair. They use toys, not at all uncommon.

 

"They"? Who? People who have affairs?

 

Yes, she might be having an affair. A vibrator in a purse is not very good evidence of it.

[behindbleuiiiis]

@ behindbleuiiiis

 

So let's set a few things clear:

 

1) your wife has bin seen at bar, right ?

 

Yes, she was definitely there.

 

 

2) With who that she came and with who did she left?

 

Left by herself, came home by herself. She met her at the bar. My Fiance is somewhat reserved. She is the type to always want to go with someone, and at a bar, she will sit with whoever she's with, not talking too much to outsiders unless she's got some drinks in her or she's with a party.

 

Actually, when she called me to tell me she was leaving, her phone was dying so she called from her friends. After she left, I spoke on phone with her friend for a few minutes about plans to go out for Monday Night Football with a few people.

 

 

3) How long has she bin had the bar?

 

The standard amount of time that we usually go out for, since we have jobs and kids in the morning, from 9pm until about 12:30am.

 

 

4) How long was she from home?

 

The bar 2 minutes from where she previously lived, and 15-20 minutes from our place.

 

5) Also how do you know who long that vibrator has bin in her bag? It could bin there for 3 days, and she got sloppy and forgot to take it out.

 

When I asked, she said she grabbed it before going out in case she got horny, which is accurate, since I lose lighters all the time and occasionally grab one from her bag.

 

 

It is definitely possible that she was embaressed about this. When first asked, she gave a straight answer, but when I asked for a deeper explanation, it would be understandable in my experience that she would than get defensive out of embaressment.

 

I also chose a poor time to ask, as we were about to leave to go to her childhood best friends house that got ruined in Hurricane Sandy. It put her in a bad mood, and that is a common reaction by her in fighting times to say that I put her in a bad move and for me to leave her alone.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I would consider this a red flag. Who brings a vib to a bar...that is weird behavior.

[behindbleuiiiis]

I am not a bar-goer so cannot comment on that, but I do want to set some of the ignorant male posters here straight.

 

As a very horny woman, I do carry at least one (small) vibrator with me during horny times. For instance, there was a stretch awhile back that I brought it to work with me just in case (they were single-use bathrooms far away from the offices and labs).

 

Sometimes you are out and just CANNOT wait to get home, especially trying to drive horny. It isn't safe and you are in a BIG hurry, so speeding and not focusing on what you are doing. I can totally imagine needing to get off (5 min max, so nice to just get some release quickly) so you can get on with your day or night. It isnt always convenient to jet home for the 5-10 min one needs.

 

So, yes, bringing one with her while out is not crazy or out of the question for "normal, solo use." Maybe she hasn't been satisfied with her sex life and, thus, has been hornier and more desperate lately? Maybe sex with you is no longer getting her off so she prefers the quick guarantee of her own skills? I would not jump straight to the "affair!" wolf cry, but if your gut is screaming, def look into it.

 

Just my take

 

Excellent post, thanks for your insight.

 

My gut is currently split about 65% telling me I've made too big of a deal about it, 30% things seem really weird and something is going on, and 5% Do I really know her the way I think I do?

 

 

The one thing I do want to point out, if I didn't already, is that her getting defensive definitely does not automatically mean that she is wrong/cheating. This is a common reaction by her in different situations. Her getting defensive a decent amount of the time is somewhat of a different issue, and one that I am concerned about, but just wanted to point that out.

[veggirl]

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

nobody brings a vibrator to the friggin bar to masturbate in the fking bathroom with! omg! like let's just make that perfectly clear, can we?

 

you should ask her, "so you were going to go to the bathroom and masturbate? or what?" I mean give me a freakin break!!!

 

people get defensive when they are nervous because they screwed up! they get defensive when they don't want to have to explain themselves.

 

you guys don't have sex like you used to, she takes a vibrator to the bar, and she is defensive about it.

[Quest4_TheLost]

Excuse me for a moment. I'm so horny right now I'm just going to go bang myself in the bathroom. I will be back in say 20 or so. <<< ALLL THE TIME!!!

 

No I'm sorry this dosen't happen, women don't take their vibrators to the bar to screw themselves in the bathroom or in their cars in the driveway.

 

I am one of the most horny women I know and I can wait 20 mins to get home to my guy or if the mood just isn't right with him. My ass might be on the couch, in the shower. I have never met a women that masterbates in public. However they very well may be out there. I don't think their excuse would be I get so HORNY I just couldn't wait any longer.

 

Come on guy, you don't really beleive this crazy story of hers do you??

[veggirl]

yeah exactly. and if she is so unbearably horny, surely she could just rub it out with her finger rather than employing in public a gadget that makes noise!! I mean gimme a break, her story is so ridiculous (I guess thats why you kinda buy it).

 

or geez if she was sooo horny why didn't she stay home and, I don't know, HAVE SEX with her boyfriend that she DOES NOT have sex with anymore?!?! hello?!?!?!

[ScreamingTrees]

Not that I know jack **** about anything, but the vibrator could've been placed there as deliberate manipulation on her part anyway. She could've figured it'd make you think exactly as you did. "Hmm, well, maybe she DIDN'T have sex with another guy, I mean, gee, she DID have a vibrator in her purse.."

 

Maybe she figured that as weird as that'd be, it would probably lower your suspicions of infidelity. Maybe she doesn't care at this point if you consider her behavior "weird", as long as she isn't caught.

[brakco]

I personally don't think this sounds like an affair.

 

It sounds to me like a weird kink that she's embarrassed and defensive about. I'm guessing she probably carries it around with her on a normal basis and used the bar as a last minute excuse instead of telling you that she uses it more often than just the night she went out.

 

I'd be WAY more concerned if she hadn't actually gone to the bar and if she hadn't called you from a friend's phone after hers died. To me, those are signs of a faithful person that wants to let her man know that she is okay.

 

I think, honestly, that the only person she's "cheating" on you with is the vibrator. But if your sex life is good, no big deal.

[alexandria35]

Excuse me for a moment. I'm so horny right now I'm just going to go bang myself in the bathroom. I will be back in say 20 or so. <<< ALLL THE TIME!!!

 

No I'm sorry this dosen't happen, women don't take their vibrators to the bar to screw themselves in the bathroom or in their cars in the driveway.

 

I am one of the most horny women I know and I can wait 20 mins to get home to my guy or if the mood just isn't right with him. My ass might be on the couch, in the shower. I have never met a women that masterbates in public. However they very well may be out there. I don't think their excuse would be I get so HORNY I just couldn't wait any longer.

 

Come on guy, you don't really beleive this crazy story of hers do you??

 

LOL...I'm with you. Why would anyone want to masturbate in their driveway instead of going inside their house where they can relax and feel comfortable.

 

I've thought about it and thought about it and I just can't come up with a good reason to bring a vibrator to a bar. I'm a woman with a strong healthy sex drive and I'm not a prude but I just can't imagine being able to get comfortable and relaxed enough to be able to masturbate in the bathroom of a bar. A nice quiet private bathroom maybe, but a bar bathroom? They are usually loud, busy and dirty. No matter how horny I was I wouldn't want to masturbate there. Sometimes there are only a few stalls and women are lined up waiting for their turn to go. How the hell can one masturbate with any success in those conditions. I suppose the mood could just grab hold of a person and they might do something like that spur of the moment, especially if they were a little tipsy and feeling uninhibited, but this wasn't spur of the moment as she put the vibrator in her purse hours earlier when she was sober.

 

On the other hand I'm not sure that this is proof of cheating either. I dunno, it's just weird. The only thing I can come up with is that her and the lesbian friend have something going on but the OP is quite certain that she is not the least bit bi-curious. If I were the OP I'd try to get her talk about it again but do it a non threatening, non accusatory way and try not to embarrass her, that way she might open up a little more about it. If you approach it really gently and she still gets angry and defensive about it I'd say that's a big red flag.

 

Also wanted to ask, why was she expecting to become so horny at the bar that she would have to masturbate right then and there? I don't get that either. I mean if was out at the bar with a boyfriend and we started turning each other on I could see it, but if I was going out with my friends I wouldn't expect to suddenly be seized by a need to masturbate immediately.

Edited December 7, 2012 by alexandria35
added on

[MyPoutine]

The best person to ask is her, in a calm manner also keep your eyes and ears open to her actions. If her reaction is still off then get suspicious.

 

I have never heard of such a thing then again people differ so *shrug*

[Survivor12]

If you bet money you'd lose.

 

Women who are having an affair toss their vibrators in the trash.

 

Perhaps, unless their affair partner happens to be another woman.

[shayla]

If you dropped out at the last minute, she may have taken it in anticipation of games with you at the bar....then once you didn't go just kept it in her purse.

 

Me and my bf used to play games like this all the time, get each other crrazy in public, then have hot sweaty fun in the car afterward. *sigh* those were the days....

[veggirl]

If you dropped out at the last minute, she may have taken it in anticipation of games with you at the bar....then once you didn't go just kept it in her purse.

 

Me and my bf used to play games like this all the time, get each other crrazy in public, then have hot sweaty fun in the car afterward. *sigh* those were the days....

 

doubtful, he already said she no longer initiates sex. going from not initiating sex in the privacy of your own home to initiating it via toys in the bar is a pretty big leap..........

[BrokenPrincess]

You said your fiancé is "somewhat reserved" but you believe she brought a vibrator to a bar just in case she got too horny?? Why wouldn't she just come home to you if she finds herself in that dire predicament?

[BS76]

If she knows she gets horny when she's out drinking at a bar then why is she going without you? Talk about a recipe for disaster. And her bringing a sex toy with her? Really? If that doesn't screap RED FLAG I don't know what will.

 

As a rule, when I'm in a relationship there's no going out like that without the SO, and on the rare occasions when we do, neither of us drinks and will play DD for the group.

 

Booze + opposite sex in close proximity = recipe for cheating.

[KraftDinner]

This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read.

 

The only thing that seems 100% certain to me is that she is lying. Doesn't mean she's necessarily cheating. But she didn't bring it to the bar in case she got horny.

 

No way.

 

She's lying. 100%.