Healing bad blood between friend's wife?

[jdtm]

Hi! So I thought I would post this here for better answers, even though I myself am not in a marriage/partnership.

 

My best friend and I have known each other for about ten years. Always platonic. A relationship that he has described as more like siblings than anything else (we have a 12 year age difference as well). We were roommates, we've worked together, we travel together, we just click (and I don't mean anything beyond platonic) in a lot of ways. We bonded initially over similar childhoods, and have both stuck by each other through our respective hard times since we've been friends. As we further ourselves in our careers, we've talked about business together, and me relocating to an area that's not across the country.

 

His SO despises me. I've never been disrespectful, and when she initially didn't warm up to me, I understood why, and never mentioned it, but at this point, I'm frustrated. They moved out of state, and are about to have a baby. Clearly, he's committed to her. So why do I bother her so much?

 

This bothers me a lot. And I hate to talk to him about it because he tells me constantly about the headache involved when she starts talking about our friendship and how he's tired of having to defend our friendship. It makes me nervous because he IS basically a brother to me, I've been a very good friend to him, without sinister intentions, and I don't feel like this relationship needs to end.

 

When he told me they were having the baby (I was the first call he made), he said that he called me first partially because I was the only one left of his friends who had not started a family (again, he's a bit older than me, so all of his HS friends are in their late 30s), and he said that he was also nervous about losing his friends at my age and tried to reassure me that things really would not change too much. Fine. I was happy for him. I was nervous, but obviously, that wasn't the time to express that.

 

To keep things fair, I did something recently that pissed her off. I'll share and it can be open for judgement. She was VERY unhappy with me because when I bought something from their registry, I addressed it to him instead of her. It wasn't a mom-centric gift, it was some kind of baby bath thing. Everyone else apparently sent the gifts to her, but I sent it to him. I don't understand why I would have sent it to her? You hate me. You don't hide it. I have a standing order to never be in your house. I sent it to him because he's the one I'm friends with. It made sense at the time.

 

Even though I think I'm right, I would like to stop this nonsense. I thought that maybe I would send her something. Like a mom gift. Directly to her. Best wishes. And I spoke to him about it. At first, he said that it wouldn't matter, and she'd hate me anyway. I thought that if I did this and she didn't accept me, I would just stop. Knowing that I'd made a genuine effort and if she didn't want it, I'd leave it alone. That has sort of morphed into some sort of crusade on my part, 1. I'm realizing that I want to get on her good side just because I don't want to lose my friend and I'm afraid of this major shift once the baby is born, 2. I'm getting frustrated because I realize I don't want to get her anything because it would seem apologetic and almost like an admission of guilt. I haven't done anything wrong. I shouldn't have to kiss her ass.

 

Ultimately, I just feel selfish. I initially thought that this would be a good time to settle all of this because of all of the changes, but I feel like I'm sort of making something that isn't about me, about me, at an inconvenient time.

 

Is it time to just let this go and accept that she won't ever like me? Should I share this with him? Or just let it fade?

[standtall]

It's pretty obvious that she views you as a threat to her marriage, and now with a child in route..her family. Now, it is mainly the husbands fault that he keeps you so tight, but you don't have to participate. IMHO, you will never get in her good graces, and that you can do him a favor and keep a much looser contact .

[jdtm]

Thanks for responding. This is where I feel like the fact that I'm not married/have not been in such a long term committed relationship comes into play.

 

I don't understand how our friendship hinders his relationship with her. We never see each other, and he fits time in during his work day to speak with me, or when she's with her own friends. I've never infringed on his time with her, and I have no desire for their relationship to end because in my mind, I understand the difference in our respective relationships. I don't take from them financially (loans, etc.). And over the years I've sort of rolled over in many instances where disagreeing with her would cause problems in their relationship even if he didn't agree with her.

 

I guess I just hate feeling like I'm being equated with a mistress.

[rainboweyes]

And over the years I've sort of rolled over in many instances where disagreeing with her would cause problems in their relationship even if he didn't agree with her.

 

THIS dynamic. You are the martyr he's eternally grateful to for the saintly lengths you go to to put up with CRAZY demands of his mean old wife!!

 

This man is not tour "friend". People have close relationships with opposite sex, real siblings and it looks nothing like this. You are having an emotional affair. Really unfortunate that you didn't care enough about the wellbeing of your "brother's" child to try to avoid causing ANY stress to the woman carrying it in her womb.

 

A true, close friend is someone you can call at 2 in the morning when you get dumped or to pick you up when you're stranded. It's someone you can invite on an impromptu out of town getaway to catch up on whats new with each other. That is not somerhing a MARRIED man with a newborn should be doing with a woman 10 yrs his junior, to the stress of his wife and subsequently, his child.....??

 

Honey, do you have a hobby? Or any other friends? Or do you plan to sit your twnties out jumping at scraps of atrention from a married much older man and dodging the wrath of his wife and kids?

 

The wife is the one he made the vows before GOD to, not you. If she doesn't like you, then too bad for you. Unfortunately this "friend" of yours doesn't have the common sense or courtesy to enact this. Why does that women out up with him? Why does he refuse to fully committ to either of you? Why do you accept crumbs from a needy non commital married man ?

 

self worth issues. All of you.

 

It doesn't have to be dramatic but I suggest you start fading and gracefully bowing out. The wife did you a favor, called you to really look at the dynamics of this relationship and what it shows about your personal growth. Every challenge is a gift.

 

You can understand more about men like him and similar situations by looking up 'men with harems' and emotional affairs on the website Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Some great insights to help all of you.

 

and im sorry by PS I couldn't BELIEVE when I read that you addressed the gift to him. That was a real b. Itch move!

[Mr. Lucky]

and im sorry by PS I couldn't BELIEVE when I read that you addressed the gift to him. That was a real b. Itch move!

Really, isn't that kind of silly? I'm unaware of the crime of addressing with intent to harm. The baby is both of theirs, they can both receive gifts...

 

I will agree with those that have advised you to back off. Whether she's irrational, over-sensitive or paranoid, your peripheral presence only makes this worse for him. Be a "Christmas Card" friend and touch base once a year...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - Be careful how you address the Christmas Card .

[jdtm]

Rainboweyes, while I appreciate what you're saying, please don't condescend to me as if I have nothing better to do with myself. I have a full-time job, and I'm currently in grad school to further my career, I have friends in different stages of their lives of both genders. I mentioned what you quoted in a long list of examples of the fact that I don't have a hidden agenda, I'm not out to sabotage. I sincerely hope they stay together, they compliment each other very well, which is why I was concerned about this in the first place. And I don't like to encourage any situations that lead to a "me or her" scenario. Hence my comment re: "rolling over" I didn't say she was mean or crazy.

 

Reading your responses, I can concede that it may be for the best to slowly distance myself from the relationship for a long while because I understand that life changes when you start a family. Because at the end of the day, I have no agenda to break up their relationship. Like I said, I have never had romantic feelings for this person, and vice versa, and I really just want him to be happy. Thanks again.