He's Not Committed

[rble618740]

I look at this site every day. I posted in June. To summarize, this month will be my first anniversary. My husband moved out in June. He said we had too much conflict in our marriage, but I thought we were just having a rough first year (we had two deaths, he was starting his own business, etc. - a lot for newlyweds). Anyway, I have taken a very patient and Christian approach to this separation (my husband agrees). We have gone to marriage counseling a few times, we've spent great times together, we don't argue when we discuss our problems, things seem to be moving towards reconciliation. But, just when things seem great, I don't hear from him for several days (even if he had told me he was going to call, etc.) I know you probably read this all the time, but I am certain there's not another woman involved. He always answers my calls (which are, admittedly, not very frequent), he does things with me several nights a week, he wears his wedding band, and he has stayed with friends who encourage him to hold on to me. Our issue is very different and, apparently, not very common. My husband's issue is whether he wants to be married AT ALL. He knows he doesn't want anyone else for a wife, but he's not sure he wants the responsibilities and obligations that come with being married. He's 27. He didn't work for 5 of the first 9 months of our marriage. He seems SO concerned about his independence and his needs that we argue because I don't have any indication that our marriage is a priority to him, that he would be willing to put our marriage above his partying if he needed to. He says things like, "You've been more patient than I deserve, I haven't been a good husband, you're a great wife, but part of me doesn't want to get back into this marriage." What do I do? Can this change? What are the signs that someone has changed and gotten their priorities in order? Is anyone else married to someone who loves them, but isn't sure they were ready for marriage? How long is it fair for me to wait for him to figure it out? All of my guidance to this point has come from a preacher. It's been great advice. I am just desparate for some kind of resolution, but I don't want to throw my marriage away out of impatience.

[uriel]

It's possible that your husband was thrown by his long stretch of unemployment early in your marriage. That likely made him feel like he wasn't ready for the responsibility for a wife and possibly family; he couldn't provide. It's shaken his confidence and given him bad feelings about the pressure to perform for the sake of a partner. To build that confidence back up, I recommend you help him to work on gaining additional training / skills and begin doing all you can to develop savings for a stable future.

 

The two of you also need to have some serious talks about why he wanted to marry in the first place. Of course, he loved you, but how did he see that loving life together unfolding? What were his expectations? How have they not been met?

 

You might also discuss what he's gained through marriage that he'd be losing. Right now, he's been able to feel single again without having to pay a consequence for that (he still gets your love and support in his life). What will it feel like to him when you're gone? Does he want to see you marry someone else, as you no doubt will if this falls apart? Ask him if he'd like a no contact month so he can practice seeing what that's like, too. If you're still having sex with him, you should stop. No commitment, no sex.

 

Even at 27, he's immature. He needs to learn that life as an adult will require sacrifices no matter what, unless he plans to never advance in a career, always live in some pokey one-room apartment or room with a mate, and stay single (while all his other friends marry and stop playing so much, too).

 

Give him a few months (six, tops, from the time of the original move out) to work through this issues. Then, tell him he needs to recommit to the marriage, make it his top priority, grow up, and move back in, or it's over.

 

-- uriel

[rble618740]

Uriel:

 

I would love it if my husband was thrown by the long stretch of unemployment early in our marriage. I didn't have any indication that was the case, but it would mean he cared about not having been contributing. It would show some sense of responsibility. I have to say that when we went to marriage counseling, he was very emotional about that aspect of our problems so maybe he cared more than he would let me know. He doesn't need any training or skills building though. He has a journalism degree, an MBA and a law degree.

 

I have asked him why he wanted to marry in the first place. I didn't pressure him to get married and was actually surprised when he proposed. He says he loved me and thought I'd be a good wife. He says both of those are still true. I think he thought marriage would be about sharing the big stuff, day-to-day, he'd still lead his life the same. I have honestly not heard him talk at all about how he needs to change in any way. When he talks about coming home, he talks about how I need to be different.

 

I've tried to be loving and understanding, but I think I've just made it possible for him to prolong making a decision. Truth be told, he wants me he just doesn't want to be married. He says sometimes he feels like packing up all of his stuff and coming home, but sometimes he feels like getting back in this marriage would be bad. The next time I talk to him I think I'm going to tell him that this isn't about feeling, it's about decision. If we were going on feelings, I probably wouldn't work on the marriage either - I've been betrayed, rejected, I feel used, I am scared, etc. I am, however, deciding to stay with him and have a different marriage if he comes home.

 

I think your insights are amazing: "Right now, he's been able to feel single again without having to pay a consequence for that (he still gets your love and support in his life)." "Even at 27, he's immature. He needs to learn that life as an adult will require sacrifices no matter what, unless he plans to never advance in a career, always live in some pokey one-room apartment or room with a mate, and stay single (while all his other friends marry and stop playing so much, too)."

 

I don't know how to explain the benefits of marriage to him. Maybe because I don't feel valued by him. Therefore, I don't think he sees losing me or my moving on with someone else as something he couldn't stand. I really feel like, in his mind, it is all about him - what he does and doesn't want to do, what he needs, etc. He has recently tossed around the idea of talking to a counselor by himself. I think that might help. To be honest, I just want some closure. I think I'll be relieved whatever he decides, I just want to know that he's working towards a decision. I think a counselor can help him do that.

 

The worst part is that our one year anniversary is coming up on August 30th. I am going away that week just so I can be alone.

 

How can you tell if someone is really committed? I don't think he understands what I mean when I tell him he's not "committed" to our marriage. It feels like staying is commitment for him. How do I explain it's about being willing to put someone else's needs before your own, it's about hanging in there even through the rought times, it's about valuing the little things about your wife more than the big times with your friends?

 

I think your advice about giving him some time then telling him to fish or cut bait is great. We had a great week last week and then I didn't hear from him all weekend (we had spent the previous two weekends together). He called Sunday night and told me he was avoiding me because he knew we needed to talk and he wasn't ready. When he asked if I wanted to do something the next night (Monday), I told him that I loved him but that my part-time wife days were over. The only thing I wanted to do was talk about us and sort some things out. He called late Monday night and asked if he could come over and talk. We talked, but the bottom line is we can't get anywhere until he decides he wants to be married.

 

What a nightmare. I NEVER thought I'd get divorced, especially after one year.

Give him a few months (six, tops, from the time of the original move out) to work through this issues. Then, tell him he needs to recommit to the marriage, make it his top priority, grow up, and move back in, or it's over.

[toolcutie]

My ex was definatly not ready for marriage. You know the saying be careful what you wish for. Well that's exactly what happend. He wanted a family more than anything...it was all he hoped for out of life...and when he got it, he realized he wasn't ready for it, and we both suffered through a 7 year marriage until enough was enough.

 

We couldn't work it out, that's not to say others can't. Unfortunatly, only he can really decide if this is indeed what he wants for himself. Try and be patient, but don't put your life on hold, or wait forever. You'll know when you've had enough, and for the time being you're going to have to trust that he'll decide to do what's right. But you're also going to have to understand that he's going to do what's right for him, and if it turns out that it's not being married, that will truly be the rough part. Be strong, and have faith. Hope can be our worst enemy or our best friend. I hope it's the latter for you. Good Luck

 

Toolcutie

[uriel]

I'm very sorry you've learned he doesn't know the true meaning of commitment only after he married you. You sound like an articulate and careful person, so I assume he said all the right things -- which led you to believe he understood the substance behind them. Now, having learned that he doesn't, you understandably feel entirely thrown: betrayed and deceived.

 

He blinks stupidly at you when you convey those feelings, since he sincerely meant he felt a strong attraction and connection to you as a playmate. It's Peter Pan Syndrome -- all too common these days for young men and women who aren't expected at home or by society to contribute to family or community, but just to coast along as if a single atom in a sea of other atoms. One recent sociology study has suggested that on average young men and women in our culture don't truly assume this psychological mantle of adulthood until as late as 24. Your guy is still avoiding what he perceives as the noose.

 

I'm very sorry to say this, but I think you are going to have to divorce him. What you are hoping is that he will effectively mature within a few months. It will likely take him years -- and a hard lesson or two. If you'd like to delay that decision and give him a chance, individual therapy for him is a must. It should be intensive (weekly) and focused on the problem (needs to work with a short-term oriented therapist). I'd give him three months in it, and then get down to sorting whether it's aiming him in the right direction. If so, another three months. If not, pull the plug then.

 

You shouldn't put yourself in the position of merely waiting for him to decide. He needs to show an active interest in repairing the harm he's done. If he refuses to go into counseling immediately and talk with you regularly about the marriage and his own personal growth, the time to end it is now.

 

Take care -- uriel