confused137 Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 HI, My story in the short version. I've been in a relationship for 5 years and married for 10 months. When my husband and i first got together he was married and i was in a relationship. He had been married for 13 years. He said he would leave his wife to be with me. 12 months later he had left her but wouldn't tell her he was seeing me. He always classed his ex-wife as "his best friend and he'd do anything for her" the way he spoke about her made me very insecure and jealous. I was 23 when i fell pregnant to him and lost the baby at 28 weeks. I thought i dealt with it but i didn't. 12 months later we had a beautiful baby boy. !8 months after that i feel pregnant with twins and lost them on our wedding day at 14 weeks. This brought back alot of feelings. I went though watching my 2/yo have an operation when my husband wasn't there for me. I went through the termination of our twins also on my own as he "sick" I tried various things to make him want me or be attracted to me, none of which worked. He wasn't attracted to me. I confided in a friend whom i ended up having an emotional relationship with which progressed to an affair that lasted 6 weeks. I stayed with my husband and told him everything. 7 months later my husband is counting down for our divorce every day he reminds me, he never says he loves me unless he wants sex, and he isn't affectionate. I'm now 23 weeks pregnant and he wants nothing to do with this baby. Tells me i've ruined his life because i didn't terminate. I'm now at the point i can't handle the emotional abuse. How do i work up the courage to leave him? I love him but i want to be loved and supported back, He isn't that person. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 I have no advice to give to you other than visit a professional councillor to help you realise why you do the wrong things that you do and why you are attracted to the wrong men like you do. This situation is way too complicated for a simple forum. I just feel sorry for the baby being born into a wrong situation like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Welcome to LS. " 7 months later my husband is counting down for our divorce every day he reminds me" Your story is a wee bit unclear. Is the plan to file a divorce action after the birth of this child? Why are you still living with him? Is it because you hold out hope he will change? I think an obvious question most LS people will ask is do you understand contraceptives? Why bring children into a failing marriage? What is it that you seek here? Advice on how to walk away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused137 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 His plan is to divorce ASAP. This baby wasn't planned at all and he wanted me to terminate but i couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't think i made a wrong decision, Why should my child have to die? We have been to a counsillor and they didn't help. I know why i do some things but when i try to talk to him about it he tells me it's all my fault and that i have no right to feel the way i do. I'm still living there because i can't afford to pay rent twice and the mortgage. Part of me does still hope he will change but i don't know if this is a normal thing for him to be going through. I guess i want advice on if this is normal or will it just get worse? Do i leave now or do i stay and hope he will change? Link to post Share on other sites
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) I too am a little confused by your story and timeline. I knows it's difficult to be clear when you're going through a rough time. I may have missed this, but has your husband ever been nice to you? I didn't see that anywhere in your story? I'm not understanding why you left your previous relationship to be with this guy, your current husband. Were there ever any good times? It would help to clarify when things changed as well. To answer your questions: I don't think i made a wrong decision, Why should my child have to die? I can certainly understand how you could feel this way, especially after going through the emotional trauma of two miscarriages. Whether to keep a child or have an abortion is a very personal decision. You will have to live with your decision. Some women have tremendous guilt later in life after having an abortion when they were younger. Since you want to keep the child, please think about how you will manage the financial expenses of having and raising the child. Also consider what social supports you have in place to help you with childcare. Being a single mother is tough, especially if one of your children is sick. Planning and having arrangements in place will help a little. We have been to a counsillor and they didn't help. I know why i do some things but when i try to talk to him about it he tells me it's all my fault and that i have no right to feel the way i do. Consider seeing a different marriage counselor, if you would like to try and salvage your marriage. As with anything else, some counselors are better than others. I will say that it takes two, and I am sensing from your posts that only you are interested in saving this marriage. I could be wrong. Part of me does still hope he will change but i don't know if this is a normal thing for him to be going through. I guess i want advice on if this is normal or will it just get worse? Do i leave now or do i stay and hope he will change? You've provided very little information, which makes it difficult to develop a reliable opinion. Based on what I can glean of your situation, here are my thoughts on these questions: No it's not normal for a husband to treat his wife this way. He has lost all respect for you from your description of his treatment of you. Typically things continue to deteriorate once respect is gone unless something dramatic happens to change the dynamic in the relationship.As to whether you should leave, and when? That is a very personal decision. You will have to determine whether his treatment of you is acceptable to you or not. Good luck! Edited December 10, 2012 by Cutiepie1976 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 You have an affair with a married man and cause the break of of his family. You date a man of low morals. You marry a man of low morals. The cheat with you they cheat on you, this is why he wants a divorce for he has found your replacement. You did not ruin his life, your baby when born has ruined his partying ways because now he will have to pay you CS for two kids. What kind of man wants his child murdered? One of low morals. The only good decision in judgment you have made is to not let you H have you murder the child in your womb. You need IC to figure why you allowed yourself to date married men. Why you thought marrying a low life was a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Part of me does still hope he will change but i don't know if this is a normal thing for him to be going through. No, far from it. A decent man who is a loving husband would never ask you to terminate a pregnancy against your choice or accuse you of having ruined his life with your continued pregnancy. It seems your biggest issues right now are financial and practical: housing, medical care, child care, employment. Don't bother with MC, that appears to be a lost cause. Instead, see a financial counselor and social worker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused137 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 Hi All, Thank you for your posts. I think i've known for a while that things wouldn't change but i think i needed to hear it from someone else. So thank you. My relationship started out great. He made me feel wonderful and as if i was the only person in the world who mattered. It had bad moments but it also had really good moments. There was a few times that i was pushed to the side and made to feel inadequate and i think that standard has just carried through our whole relationship. I lost our first baby at 28 weeks, then the 2nd time i lost twins at 14 weeks. He supported me through the first one but being so young and so hurt i wasn't very accepting of the help. The 2nd time i desperetly needed it and didn't get anything. I think maybe part of it i have shut off from him to. I try to give him more and what he wants but i can't always bring myself to do it because i remember the hurtful times and the things he did. These memorys stop me giving 100% of myself to him. I think once i find out how to get past that my decision on what to do will become clear and i'll be strong enough not to need advice. Problem is Link to post Share on other sites
coffeebean201 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Keep developing your interests and education and skill set and don't regret any choices that you have already made. You are a good mom. And he is a good dad, though he is a little resentful at the moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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