Desperately need , not judgement.

[wmh]

I am in desperate need for some guidance and insight. Not judgement or hurtful words. I know what I'm doing isn't right in so many ways, so no need to tell me what I already know. I figure by coming here I will be able to find some people who relate.

 

Okay, I have been "the other woman" for about a year and a half now. I never even imagined putting myself in this position, but it just happened. I met P at work about two and a half years ago. At first we made small talk, nothing major. Then he started messaging me on Facebook. At the time I did not know he was married, his Facebook showed no indications of it. After messaging back and forth every once and a while, we began to text. Before I knew it we were texting all day, everyday. After about three weeks of texting we hung out for the first time. It was very friendly, just wine and a movie. Just a hug, no kiss or anything more. We began to hang out more frequently. Still nothing major happened. A few kisses here and there. BTW, he's eight years older than me. I'm still in college.

 

After about three months, I discovered from a coworker that he was separated from his wife, whom he had been married to less than a year. When I asked him about it he said they were separated and getting married was a mistake. Stupidly, I continued to hang out with him and fall harder and harder.

His wife was never something we talked about. I felt like it was never my place to ask about the divorce or separation, etc.

 

After discovering that they were not actually in the process of a divorce, I ended things. I told him we could attempt to be friends, but I didn't want to have anything to do with someone who was still married. I guess my conscious really started to get to me. After about three weeks of no contact, he started telling me about how much he cared about me and that he was really getting a divorce. I believed him and the saga continued.

 

This relationship did not become a sexual one until at least a year after it started so that was never the basis of the relationship.

 

Long story short, after a year and a half, I'm still the other woman. I don't want to be the reason a marriage ends. I don't want him to leave his wife for me. I don't want to continue to be somebody's option, but I do not know how to end this. I really do love him, but not enough to continue to put myself through this emotional roller coaster. I don't know how his wife isn't suspicious. He texts me 24/7 and usually until he falls asleep.

 

I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to finally end it. It's not what I want to do, but I'm tired of being second best. If you have any insight, please feel free to share it with me. I am lost.

[alexandria35]

It's never easy to leave someone you still love but sometimes it has to be done. No contact is usually the best way to end things. Tell him you are done, be firm and don't listen to excuses or begging. Then completely cut off contact and brace yourself for a ton of hurt and pain. There is no way around the pain. You have to accept that and believe that you will get through it and you will. Find emotional support from friends, family or even a therapist so you have people to talk to you when you feel hurt and desperate to talk to him. It will pass and you will be okay. Honestly you will be fine but you will have to hurt for a while.

 

Also when you find yourself walking down memory lane and romanticizing your relationship keep in mind that he selfishly uses people for his own needs. Look at how he deceived you into getting involved with him. You probably never would have dated him at all had he been upfront about his marital status to begin with but instead he took that choice away from you with his lies and deceit. He lies to you and he lies to his wife because all he cares about is what makes him feel good. What a POS he is. Don't concern yourself with his wife and why she isn't suspicious, don't try to figure out his marriage, it's a waste of your time. You might just as well ask yourself how it was he fooled you for so long. If he is actually still with his wife I'm guessing that you never hung out at his house or met any of his family. Didn't that seem a little odd to you?

[wmh]

Thank you, Alex. We actually did hang out at his house and nothing made me suspicious of someone else living there. There was pictures of family, but never pictures of a couple. Thank you for your input.