HeartBrokenInNY Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 (edited) so in the end, i decided that i can't tell his wife.. at least not right now... being that all three of us work in the same building.. and my job would transfer any one of us, or all of us, even if there was a POTENTIAL for a problem. they are both at the tail end of their careers, i am kind of still starting out, he got me into a really good spot (with potential to move up)... the last few weeks i have been literally waking up with a heartache before i even gain consciousness. it really is possible. i don't want to die but i don't know how to live, i feel like i'm just drifting in and out, mostly transparent and small, going to work, coming home, and playing those stupid word games on my phone. he has been very busy last few weeks, taking time off before thanksgiving to get settled into the new house. for 2 days he didn't call (this was a few weeks ago) but when he did, he was still telling me, complaining (but not really complaining) he told me he was not avoiding me, and then gave me a play by play account of his day, telling me how much running around between his son's baseball game, meeting the contractors, his daughter's confirmation, etc etc etc i asked my sister to send him a text from my phone (i couldnt bare to do it myself), i (rather, my sister told me to do it, i just did it what she told me to, cuz i know i am/was in a state of fog and frozen in pain/fear etc) told him, "no you are not avoiding me. i am avoiding you." and then telling him to get his stuff out of my garage (he had been storing "their" stuff there while waiting for the new house to be finished building). she texted him to move his stuff out while i am at work, anything left behind will be thrown out or ask W to come pick it up (she knows/knew we are/were friends, knew their stuff was here for about a year, even thanked me at one point) he texted me back "i guess you decided to hate me" (because he said that it would take a while for me to decide whether i could be "real" friends (believing that he's breaking up with me for my own good, cuz he doesnt want to tie up any more time with a dead end relationship) or end up hating him (if i believed he lied to me for ten years). i texted him back "you expect too much from me. i don't know how else to do this" and he asked me should he say "hi" when we see each other at work (we work on the same floor). and i told him, no, don't even say hi. i would prefer that no one asks me where's john at work (that has happened sooooo many times, when i'm at work and we're not together, he probably doesn't even know it). he said ok he will respect my wishes. so it's been like the week before thanksgiving, so, what.... is that only about 2 weeks?? there has been zero contact on both ends. it did help that i went to costa rica for a week. it was fun, but kind of sad at the same time, i kept feeling like i have all these adventures to tell him. but not once has he texted me. there's so many things i want to tell him. my sister has been a big support, spending the weekend with me, talking to me for 48 hours, telling me HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU HE CHOSE HIS WIFE HIS FAMILY HE ONLY HAS TIME FOR YOU WHEN HE IS DONE WITH HIS FAMILY OBLIGATIONS HIS KIDS BASEBALL GAME HIS DAUGHTERS CONFIRMATION/pre-SAT classes, HIS HOUSE THINGS, IF HE'S NOT TOO TIRED, if he is bored..... YOUR SANITY AND WELL BEING take priority only AFTER his son's 3x a week baseball game. he has CHOSEN to give her EVERYTHING HIS MONEY HIS TIME HIS LIFE without her even asking. i have to keep reminding myself of what she says, and it intertwines with thoughts of "but.... he really did/does love me", "but.... 15 years", "10 years", "he is/was my best best friend" and thoughts that we knew each other for 15 years (affair for 10) and they were also married for 15 years (but only dated a year before they got married), thoughts that i love him still so much and i can't believe he can really NC with me. was it really that one sided? and intertwined are thoughts that his marriage is a lie, thoughts that he loves her enough to lie to her (protect her feelings, in a twisted way), thoughts wondering if i will/can EVER out him, or if it would matter anyway, or wonder for what purpose. more and more i am forced to confront all the questions for which i have no answers. there is not one day, not more than an hour apart, that i dont think about him. everytime i hear the buzzer on his door ring from his office, everytime i drive into the garage at work where we all park... sometimes i am tempted to drive by his big new house (i did once, and it hurtttttttttt) just to see... see what? i don't know. there is not one day where i don't want to call him, or think about calling him, my phone used to ring with calls and texts soooo much (500 texts a day, at least 3 hours on phone)... but now it is just silent most of the time, and none of those texts/calls are from him. but sometimes i think, if i called him, i wouldnt even know where to begin on all the stuff i want to say, so i text my sister, and when she can, she texts me back, and says "then what? what would change besides you feeling more crappy" the thought of me going back to those days a few weeks ago when i was crying in my sleep, the thought of me sitting at home crying from morning till night, the thought of me waking up in pain in my chest before my brain could process it, those thoughts have me paralyzed and that has been what's stopping me from calling/texting him. but i am still kind of both dreading and anticipating (i miss him so much!!) when i actually will bump into him or his wife at work or maybe around the neighborhood, since now we only llive 4 blocks away. and yes, like the rest of the other posters, i do wonder if he misses me, if it was real, etc... i asked my sister, she said "does it matter?" and i have no idea what to say to that.... some days i feel like "i'm okay with being friends, at least i can still have that and we can still talk"... sometimes my sister tells me "your idea of friendship is not his idea of friendship anymore" she tells me that he would love to be "just friends" with me now. that way he can alleviate his guilt towards me and towards his wife while keeping us both in his life. some days i feel like i understand that and agree, some days i don't see it. i must be in deep denial or whatever, i still think maybe he will reach out to me. some days i think i will be ok, if he is not in my life anymore, and some days i can't accept it, so i have to accept that "we can be friends but just not now" i don't know. i want to stop thinking about all the "where did it go wrong" "would have should have could have"s but it's soooo hard. i wondered out loud to my sister "how could he really just NC with me so easy, and carry on like nothing, while my world is shaken upside down, how could he so easily go back to his perfect family perfect house perfect wife, while i am here all alone".... she said to me he NEVER loved you, of course it's easy for him to "go back" to his family- he never really left!! it wasn't even a close race, but it also hurts so much, i don't know if i want to let myself believe it or not..even now Edited December 7, 2012 by HeartBrokenInNY Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Keep listening to your sister!! She loves you, she's looking out for your best interest and she knows what she's talking about. Wish I had a sister. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Sometimes it makes me wonder, those text back and forth thing, "you hate me not...etc", it suits more teenage situation. How come very mature, elder people will get in that as well? What happened? Link to post Share on other sites
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