Same old song and dance

[Vallari]

Okay so in order for everyone to understand I'll give you a brief description of the past with this guy. We met as friends and nothing else was mentioned for a while. It became really evident pretty quickly that he liked me and eventually he brought it up and asked me out. I just did not see him as my type and the sad but true fact being that I was not physically attracted to him. So I let him know as gently as I could (which wasn't as effective at times as much I as wanted it to be in that conversation) that I only saw him as a friend. I was also taking into account the fact that he was very desperate and holds a horrible philosophy on love being that what he gives out as affection should proportionately be given back. Okay on the surface yeah doesn't sound too bad, eh? Except that he GIVES and gives (sometimes suffocating) to the point where you feel you are taking advantage of him-unwillingly. He figures that the more he gives out the more he expects to receive-and resentments build if he doesn't receive what he expects. Passive aggressive to boot-so you have no idea if you pissed him off. Okay I'm done bitching.

So yeah any girl in her right mind would of turned a heel quicker than a lightning flash. But I didn't. I said okay to being friends and for a while things were fine. We were in fact great friends-we had things in common, had around the same sense of humor, liked doing the same things-we had really developed a sense of comfortable partnership. But things got difficult for me. I had sexual feelings for him and was struggling with the women's' stigma of being comfortable with those. That and they literally came out of nowhere. Looks had nothing to do with it-but there was this energy-this charm that fueled it. We both messed up a few times-we ended up getting more physically playful and cuddly. Mixed signals were sent many times-what felt like joking around/flirting/just having fun on the surface-underneath boiled much more. Which I didn't really want to pay attention to for a while until one of my friends spilled that he had confided in her one night. She said he told her that he was in love with me. I freaked, gathered what I wanted to say to him and left. Somewhat abruptly meaning I didn't give him a chance to present his case as much as he wanted to.

 

Yeah that was real short! Sorry=) Okay yeah getting to point I promise. So two years later after thinking I've let it all go a whole lot more surfaces than I'd like. So I decide that I need to talk to him. To get thoughts outta my head that have been rambling around far too long. Funny how sometimes you can't really forgive yourself even when you thought you did, until you hear someone say that they forgive you first or something like it. However what he said fit enough in my mind.

 

And that should be it right there.

 

At the time though we agreed on trying to be friends again. But of course as I'm sure you've been predicting-feelings came back. For both of us. Only they were stronger this time and therefore much more definable. There is an internal battle inside! There's the disappointed(and probably somewhat lonely and desperate) part of me that's saying, we could be great friends again and if it turned into the inevitable relationship (I can't help it-I'm platonic and deep with every friend. I'm just the type that doesn't have many acquaintances but more friends) then who knows? Maybe I'm just afraid of falling in love with him and maybe I shouldn't run away from that.

The other side of me is saying to stop listening to my unrealism. That the kind of people we are would not work in a relationship and it would be entirely sex based. I know I should listen to my second voice. But how do I make my other voice shut the hell up?! The one that's saying she wants her goofy fun friend back when there was no uneasiness or tension between us. Does anyone think I'm making the right decision? Just how would I go about telling him?! He's the kind of guy who really runs with what you say so to speak-should I leave out the sex part-that maybe being torture to him?

[overseas2004]

Dont ya think you are making life a little too complicated for yourself. I dont see any reason you cant date him and be with him. All you said was that he is ugly. Well get past it or dont.... but for god's sake stop making life so complicated. Its really not.

[Vallari]

I might be. I make it complicated, because I don't want to screw up. I don't want to get hurt and I definitely don't want to hurt him. All I said was that he was ugly? Actually of my reasons for not dating him that one doesn't graze anywhere near the top of that list. It's on it I guess-just not number one. I see perhaps I've failed to mention that one of my reasons is also that I freak out around out him when I'm alone with him and/or far away from home with him. There is just something CREEPY about him that also strangely draws me in and I've never understood it. Kinda like a heroin addiction. Oh he is my heroin.