What is it about MM that makes them more attractive?

[waterwoman]

I know it isn't sensible to generalise but I just wondered why some women have multiple affairs with married men? Just found out the exw of a friend of ours (ex because of the second affair with mm she had during the marriage) is involved with two (yep, count 'em!) mm at the moment. H's OW had already had a very messy affair with an older married man when she was in her late teens.

 

It would seem to me that having an EMR must by it's nature be fairly stressful and unsatisfactory. I can see how it might happen once because you just happen to fall for a man who is attached but again and again?

 

Is there some extra factor involved?

[butterflybutterfly]

To be honest I can't see why knowing someone is attached would make them more attractive. For me it's an unfortunate case of happening to fall for someone who's got a girlfriend, and hating the fact that he has. I'm crazy about him in spite of the fact he's attached, not because he is. I guess some people get off on the excitement, the thrill, the danger, and that they might not want an actual relationship - but I don't see why it would make the man himself more attractive, just the situation.

[carhill]

I can't speak for other men, regarding MW's, but I do note that MW's who are 'on the prowl' have an 'open' aura about them, like they're seeking intimacy; this compares markedly to single women I meet who are 'not interested'; they appear 'closed'. Perhaps it's a hard perception to explain but it is something I've noted markedly over the decades and with people I've known for many years. Their 'aura' can change and known facts and circumstances have proven to support the perception.

 

Regarding the 'over and over' part, IMO that's a personal/specific aspect of personality which affects their choosing mechanism. As we're generally exposed to a wide variety of people, we actively choose amongst those who 'speak' to us from an attraction standpoint. They evidently choose to act on those attractions to MM. I know of a few cases where I was definitely passed up for such a man back when I was young and single, though it would only become clear in retrospect, as events played out. In those cases, the men were what we term on LS as 'alpha'; socially popular and monetarily wealthy. Perhaps those are poor examples.

 

For repetitive choices, presuming the historical results have been less than fulfilling, and culture is not a marked factor, I would tend to look at FOO and socialization for clues. Attraction is a very personal process so the same man/woman might be attractive to others for very different reasons and via differing processes.

[buckeyeblue]

I think that women having affairs with MM has less to do with the MM than it does with the OW. People who have a healthy dose of self-respect and self-esteem are less likely to feel lonely and desperate enough to accept less in a partner. It's sad, really.

[Decorative]

Because I think some people- MM and OW alike- only truly feel alive in the middle of chaos and drama. The highs are very, very high.

 

The OW in my situation is a serial OW. By all reports and my interaction with her- she is very, very dramatic, and will create chaos out of calm water- to get the hit of attention.

 

I have an ex- friend, who was also a serial cheat, and her personality was much the same.

[Decorative]

I did read a psych study- and it wasn't about serial OW, but OW in general, and it was gender specific. It said that some women find a man who has entered into a committed relationship to be more attractive, because he has demonstrated he ability to commit, and another woman had judged him worthy. A proven winner, so to speak.

 

Now- there was no explanation of the gap in logic that follows after, about how he treated that commitment. but still.

[Spark1111]

Evolutionary biologists would claim that a MM is more of an alpha male and women want alpha males.

 

He has proven he can do a long-term relationship with a woman; he has successfully provided for his clan, maybe has some assets. In that regard, he seems stable and successful.

 

Those two elements, coupled with charm, money doesn't hurt either, makes him very desirable to women whether they realize it on a conscious level or not.

[Decorative]

Or what Spark said. LOL

[waterwoman]

In our case I guess the trappings of the'alpha' successful older man might have helped. She wanted someone to take care of her and I guess our house and relative financial security might have looked appealing to her. As it happens most of that had been earned by little ol' me in the preceeding decades while H had been p*ssing about from one career to the next and going back to university to get his teaching qualification. In which case she should have been looking to shack up with me not him.

[carhill]

Really good point...

 

Put two alphas (for lack of a better term) side by side. One's married. One's single. What's the difference? The married one has proven his *ability* to publicly provide the appearance of commitment. The single one is nebulous and doesn't have a proven track record of social propriety, like marrying and having children. Boom.

[butterflybutterfly]

But he's also proven he's incapable of being faithful, and that he excels at deception. Really not seeing how it's attractive, even on a subconscious level!

[Yasuandio]

Sometimes people want what is just out of their reach. Could it not be that simple as well? Y

[stillafool]

Or some people have no respect for others and are down right selfish.

[Summer Breeze]

From what I've read on here it doesn't appear most OW are serial. I may be wrong on that. I know there have been some but by and large it seems the OW here have been involved with a MM once. I think serials are a whole different breed of cat. Whether it's down to issues from childhood or maybe having been groomed as a young adult by a MM and never breaking out of the mindset, I don't know. I would imagine there are a whole lot of stories and while there are similarities I would bet there are more differences. I don't find MM more attractive and never have. It would be interesting to hear from some of the OW here that were serial OW for a while and get their take on it.

[Decorative]

But he's also proven he's incapable of being faithful, and that he excels at deception. Really not seeing how it's attractive, even on a subconscious level!

 

It's some sort of cog diss, on a level I don't understand.

[Summer Breeze]

Really good point...

 

Put two alphas (for lack of a better term) side by side. One's married. One's single. What's the difference? The married one has proven his *ability* to publicly provide the appearance of commitment. The single one is nebulous and doesn't have a proven track record of social propriety, like marrying and having children. Boom.

 

I know this is about AP who tend to have had multiple married partners but I think this is a very interesting phrase. When I see how many MM big themselves up as far as their M and kids when trying to attract an AP it amazes me. It really is all about perception. Then when the A gets going the thing that may have appealed to some APs is the same thing that drives them to distraction. Sorry for the mini t/j it's something I wasn't really involved with and never made the connection till now.

[alexandria35]

Well I'm not an OW but some of the reasons I've seen given by OW are that the OW doesn't want a full time relationship. She likes the romance without the committment or responsibility. And another I reason I recall is that MM are just better then single men at romance. Those are a couple of reasons I've seen in the past for an OW to prefer MM but I think those are just shallow on the surface type reasons and that when OW say those things they are not digging deep enough to get to the heart of the matter.

[carhill]

One of the dominant life goals for people with 'alpha' personalities is to be socially powerful and popular. In the public realm amongst known philanderers, one can look to a number of men who rose to the highest office in the US. Their goal wasn't to cheat, rather cheating was just a byproduct of their main life goal, to gain and wield power. For a subset of we 'lesser' mortals, that's attractive. 'Tis better to get a piece of a legend than settle for who's standing next to one. Happens.

[Tenacity]

I guess I am a little confused by this thread. From the original post and the fact that it's posted in the OW section, I thought you were looking for actual OW in this situation to reply, but most replies seem to be hypotheses by BS so perhaps I misunderstood.

 

But since there are very few serial OW who post here (I can't think of a single one at the moment) I guess hypotheses are what you are looking for. I would guess that woman who are serial cheaters with MM may be trying to prove something to themselves, perhaps a competition sort of thing. Or maybe they just enjoy the challenge of obtaining something off limits.

[PurpleGal]

While I'm not a serial OW, I did intentionally seek out an MM, as he intentionally sought out an MW. We were both married and not intending to leave, so didn't want full-time relationships with other people. Now that I've separated it's a little different, and emotions have added an unexpected dynamic. I stay with him because I love him and I'm not ready to date anyone new. I consider it a somewhat temporary situation, and eventually we'll both have decisions to make.

 

So I'd say some people who don't want a full-time relationship, for whatever reason, might seek an MM or MW.

[East7]

Really good point...

 

Put two alphas (for lack of a better term) side by side. One's married. One's single. What's the difference? The married one has proven his *ability* to publicly provide the appearance of commitment. The single one is nebulous and doesn't have a proven track record of social propriety, like marrying and having children. Boom.

 

Some "love coaches" call this concept "Social proof".

 

The social proof evolves through age-generations. For example a young college man who is always surrounded/hit by beautiful girls becomes more desirable to other girls.

 

When progressing through age and supposed to have a marriage/assets under the bell, the social proof is supposed to be a successful job/marriage/money triangle.

 

Social proof is not the only attraction factor IMO.

 

Some women are attracted to Challenge (a married man is off limits) some others are attracted the kind of victim-playing MM (my wife treats me terribly etc etc). (I call it "nurse-syndrom")

 

I like your "Aura" theory. When I met MW, she had this kind of aura, she looked so desirable, graceful and proactively open to my compliments which became very quickly flirting, then an EA and then a PA. It is a snowball process: when both parties enjoy it, it escalates to a full blown A.

[veryhappy]

A woman who'd have multiple affairs with MM is very likely emotionally unavailable herself. She's either wanting her cake and eating it too or is playing into some daddy issues repeatedly without stopping to realize what she's doing.