Need help and advice...my girlfriend and her best friend which is a guy

[SoooConfused24]

Hey All,

 

I need some advice, I've been dating this girl now for about two months and things were going well up until the other night. Let me give everyone some background. My girlfriend has a guyfriend who happens to be her best friend, she has known him for 3 months. I was told in the beginning I needed to accept that fact since most guys have problems with it. I met him about a week ago because she kept stressing it was important to her. At that time he seemed like an alright chap. I asked my girlfriend if they have ever been more than friends. Her response was "never kissed, never made out, never had sex, etc, but at one point we discussed dating but felt it would ruin things". So I assumed that pretty well took care of it. This is a guy friend she also goes clubbing with and to bars with, she told me at the clubs they do dance on each other as well.

 

Saturday night rolls around and she asks me if I would mind him meeting up with us. Although I did, I went ahead and said sure, we were drinking and I ended up passing out on her couch. I was semi conscious towards the end of the night and she was in his lap, he kissed her on the cheek and she returned the kiss on his neck before leaving for the night. I didn't say anything, but the next morning I sure did. Her response was she kisses her brother and he is like a brother figure and she did nothing wrong. Her definition of kissing apparently means on the lips. I don't want to sound like a jealous, controlling, insecure person and harp on it with her but I'd like to know if what she did was wrong, and if it infact is cheating. She sees this guy at work 5 days a week and hangs out with him after work on occasion.

 

I told her it bothered me and I felt it crosses over the line of friends, she supposedly talked to him and they won't do it again. I felt like I was cheated on, and that there is more there, any tips or advice on how to find out? Opinions?

[uriel]

She says this guy is her best friend, but they've only known each other 3 months. That's not long enough to test out whether a friendship is going to be a best friendship let alone successful as a purely platonic one.

 

The fact that they discussed dating mutually means that they both feel some attraction for one another, even if they chose not to move forward with it. Because that's the case, I think your girlfriend should not be sitting in this guy's lap and kissing him on the neck. That's a sexual gesture -- not a friendly peck on the cheek, a quick hand squeeze, or a friendly one-armed shoulder hug good night.

 

I know I certainly would have felt veeeery creepy sitting in my brother's lap or kissing him on the neck. Both would have made my eyes roll up in my head with disgust. In other words -- no, never would've happened. (BTW, have you seen the Friends episode where Rachel final dates the outdoorsman downstairs in the apt building only to learn his relationship with his sister is...well...icky)? I've never kissed a female friend on the neck either or see other straight women do that. Why would we?

 

Your gf should be taking extra precautions not to put herself in potentially compromising situations with him -- alone time where they are on the same couch, hanging on each other at clubs, getting drunk and rolling into one another's homes, etc. Anything along those lines is disrespectful to you.

 

At this point, this flirtation was light cheating in my opinion -- not borderline but over the line. You've cause for concern. I'm glad she's told the other guy nothing like that can happen again, but I'd feel even better if she fessed up to what was really happening. I think you need to have another talk with her about that. Give her my post if you like.

 

Ask her if she would think it's okay to sit on his lap while the three of you were hanging out together in a living room, all wide awake. Threesome, anyone?

 

-- uriel

[SoooConfused24]

Thank you for the information. I wonder if I should cut my losses now or remain...any advice on that subject? For instance, tonight her and her guy friend are out at a bar. She invited me but I declined, perhaps I should start accepting her invitations just so Mr. Friend here doesn't have it so easy...I don't know =(

[teck21]

I think you should just go hang out with them some. Maybe there's really something (or make that nothing!) there that will convince you over time and have you come to accept their friendship.

 

And if things still don't look good or you find that it's something you still can't handle, then maybe it's time to say goodbye.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you should find a different girlfriend. What she has told you is that if you date her then you must allow her to date this guy as well. Having your girlfriend sitting on his lap while you slept? It is ridiculous and she is making a fool of you.

Find someone who is unattached because she is attached to him.

[BIG RED MACHINE]

Hey bud, I just went through the same thing you are going through, in my case my relationship didnt work out we are now borken up. I dont care what anybody tells you, nobody male or female that has a significant other should be doing things with another person like your girlfriend is doing with this guy. She says he is her best friend after knowing him for 3 months, Hmmmm, and she says he is like a brother to her and she has only known him for 3 months, Hmmmmm let me see here, all I see is a bunch of red flags. bottom line is she is in the wrong, and she knows it but she will never admit it. My girlfriend was very stubborn, she wasnt willing to work anything out it was her way or the high way, well I sent her packing. she is not ready for a serious relationship yet. They always use that excuse "its only a friend" Ive heard that line way to many times and usually it is much more. Sorry to break it to you bud but you would be better off without her, I am sure you can do much better than that. And for anyone who disagrees with me, You have no morals or cares for anyone elses feelings other than your own, you are selfish and are also the same people if someone did it to you, you would be mad, I call them hypocrites, people that want the best of both worlds, thats all I have to say. good luck.

[billybadass36]

Hey how old are these people? There's no way I'd sit there idly while my supposed gf sits on some dude's lap, let alone kiss him on the neck. I'd have left and made it clear that if she wants to be with me, that s..t won't happen again. That type of affection should be reserved for you alone, especially so when you're right there in the room. That shows a lack of regard for your feelings. Doesn't she have GIRL friends? Seriously, though, if this guy is supposedly her best friend, I have it hard to believe if her best friend happened to be female that she'd be sitting in her lap and kissing her neck. I'm just always skeptical of women that have nothing but "guy friends". I mean, how many guys do you know that have female best friends or that hang out with mostly women friends? Not me, and all the guys I know that do hang out with mostly women are just trying to get in someone's pants. So, regardless of how your girlfriend views this whole situation, it sounds like you've got some dude that's bird-dogging your girl. Question is: is she worth putting up with it, and is she willing to accept your position on the thing. I'd figure it out sooner rather than later. Have this discussion now before you invest another month or two in emotional currency before you realize that it's not going to work. I mean, right now, two months into this relationship is the time to let her know how you feel about it, and if she's not willing to adjust her bahavior for you, or if you're not satisfied that their "relationship" is innocent, then drop her and move on. Just don't let this gnaw at you for months to come or you'll have a much more difficult time making a tough decision. That's just me, though.

[jmargel]

Dude, unless that friend of her's is gay, then she is playing you. Stand up for yourself already. Damn.. What some guys around here put up with.

 

She's been with you 2 months, and him 3 months? And he is her best friend? That is not right. She is getting the best from both worlds, going out with two men at once. She is an attention whore and you need to find someone who is committed to just you. Let her go, she'll screw you over in the long run.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by SoooConfused24

Her definition of kissing apparently means on the lips. I don't want to sound like a jealous, controlling, insecure person and harp on it with her but I'd like to know if what she did was wrong, and if it infact is cheating. She sees this guy at work 5 days a week and hangs out with him after work on occasion.

 

I told her it bothered me and I felt it crosses over the line of friends, she supposedly talked to him and they won't do it again. I felt like I was cheated on, and that there is more there, any tips or advice on how to find out? Opinions?

 

Cheating? Maybe. Closest definition I think would be: Skankus Americanus with a side order of AWD (Attention Whore Disorder). I don't think you're jealous or controlling. I doubt she'd be real comfortable with you having some girl, your "best friend" (all of 3 months, who you work with no less) in your lap kissing you. I'd get the hell out of dodge. She's not serious relationship material.