emotionaly abusive relationship with wife DIVORCE?

[kallabos]

I guess we will start by telling you a little about our background in this relationship. I have been with my wife for 6 years ( 2 years Dating ) (4 Years marriage). We have no kids together 1 each from previous relationships. When we met I was a very negative person as so was she, as they say misery loves company. I came from a broken home and she never knew her father and mother was abusive. She went from Foster home to Foster home, back to her mother ect... My father left when I was 12 years old, and I finished my childhood with my mother raising me.

 

As do when most realationships we started with a bang a couple months we were living together, things we great as are most at this time, back then I didn't look at some of the things like vaules, goals, compatiblity, I just thought of sex was good then thats all I needed. We got married then she felt confortable to release her true side as so did I.

 

Well she has been on Loratabs for a long time, as I write this she takes about 6 a day and buys them from the internet, because of this I have split out accounts up about a years ago. Which is alot of the problem in our relationship I know, but I won't hold that against her, she says she has a back problem, that no doctor has been able to diagnois (Siatica). She only finds faults or wrongs in everyone and refuses to see thier good side or anything good. Still Negative as when I met her.

 

As for me in the last few years I have changed alot, when I started changing, thats when things started falling down hill slowly but surley. I have taken many courses and many seminars to improve my finances, health, spirital, relationships, emotions, ect... thanks to the help of Tony Robbins and many others. Well long story short we have been going in two different Directions.

 

I still love her as a person and for her shortcoming unconditionaly, but how can a person live with somone who just doesn't care about anyone else's feelings ( I will elaporate on those next) ? How can somone live with somone who will never say they are sorry? How can somone live with somone who doesn't want to touch thier husband at all, and I don't just mean Sexulay? Is love not enough?

 

We had a argument recently 3 days ago, I have not been wearing my wedding ring, and she does not believe me when I tell her why, she has exused me of cheating but wouldn't come out and say it because of her pride. Her PRIDE is FIRST PRIORITY IN HER LIFE. I Told her I have not been wearing my wedding ring because I work out every day so I have to take it off in the morning so it doesn't get scratched, and I have lost over 25 lbs, and it don't fit anymore. Well anyhow that is the truth, we don't talk much about the little problems when they happen, because she won't share her feelings ever, and I hold them back cause when I share mine she blows up. So needless to say that night alot came out.

 

Our Sex Life has gone down hill each and every week, she only has sex with me out of Simpathy. I have a problem when I don't get it the only way she will give it to me is when I (Pought) get pissed off. Heck it is not even all about sex I just would like for my wife to touch me like she loves me. Saying she loves me and doing are two differnet things. She is on Anti Depressants, Loratabs, Zanax to sleep, ect....

 

Bad Points about her: 1. Takes Pills to get through life 2. Very Negative about life 3. Blames others for her problems 4. Emotional unavalible 5. No Sex Drive 6. Never Says she is sorry 7. Sees only the bad in people 8. Attacks me when I try to discusse my needs and problems in the relationship. 8. Holds gruges forever 9. Will not forgive 10. Too confortable 11. Unapriecitave I could go on but I wont...

 

Good Points : 1. Reliable ( always comes home don't feel she is cheating) 2. Has a good mother instint cleans the house asks if I am hungery ect. 3. We share some hobby of liking the computer 3. Dependable 4. Gets along with others ( talks laughs, just not with me) I feel bad but I cannot name anything else.

 

The other night I told her I did not like the fact that she doesn't want to touch me we lay in bed and don't talk watching tv we may be right there next to each other but mentaly we are miles apart, heck I feel like a woman because I would like to snuggle and just touch, I think that is just one of my needs is intimacy. She acts like a man would and when we have sex she just seems to want it over with ASAP. So it is sex and not love making.

 

When I told her how I felt she attacks me and calls me a child and I act like a child over and over, and how I do everything wrong ect... I have asked her to goto a counselor, she does not want to do that I have bought " Relationship Rescue" and listened to it, I ask her to listen and she says " you are always trying to get me to do somthing, Somthing always has to be wrong" I must admit I am the type of person now, that if it is not growing it must be dying. Well that night I asked her if she still loves me she wouldn't look at me when she said she " Loved me" so I said, " Look at me in the eyes and tell me you still love me" so she looked at me, and said in a harsh voice" I love you" with a evil look in her eyes. I tried to discuss our problems even more that night and she just lay there with Zanax flowing through her staring at the TV, so I said " Fine I am tierd of talking to a brick wall, I will sleep in the other room", a few minutes later she barges in and says" You know if your going to do this again I am on vacation this week we will just go see a lawyer and be done with this I am Sick of it all", I said " Ok"

 

She has always threatended our marrige, attacked me, never says she is sorry about anything, and nothing is her fault. The next day being the man of the house and what God would do I Forgave her for last night, I said to her, " I love you and I forgive you for last night and I forgive myself, for any attack I said to you about your negative qualitys" She responds with another attack. We havent spoke in two days and she still holding a grudge and has not appoligized.

 

Well I could go on and tell you more and more but this post is long enough and don't want you to get bored. I know what I need to do is get out of this marriage, looking for some support and some friends that may have been though the same thing. I am trying to get up enough courage to leave this marriage, she threatins it but never acts.

 

 

I know deep down inside, she cannot possibly love me, how can you love somone when you don't love yourself?

 

I have always been the giver and she has always been the taker.... I pray that God will give me the courage to leave her..

 

Thanks for any support!

 

Dan

[Craig]

Well the first thing you should do is tell her doctor about the extra drugs she is using. The combination of Lortab (aka Vicodin), Xanax and the anti-depressant could be a bad or even dangerous combination that actually increases some of the negative side effects of the drugs. One side effect is decreased sex drive.

 

What is the name of the anti depressant she is taking? If she is taking other drugs what are they? Does she ever drink alcoholic beverages?

 

Lortab is habit forming and it is possible become physically and/or psychologically dependent on the medication. Xanax can produce physical dependence as well.

 

It looks like your wife has a serious and potentially dangerous drug problem.

 

As for getting a divorce and moving on now you know that some or all of the behavior you don't like in her could be caused by the drugs she is taking. Why not take an assertive approach to trying to make things better and talk to her doctor with the goal of getting her off the combination of drugs she is using.

 

If she refuses to change her drug combination or if she does change it and things remain the same then you have my support in getting a divorce.

 

It sounds like you have been doing a lot of work on yourself and changing (growing) perhaps you two have grown apart so much that there is no point in being together.

[uriel]

I'm glad you've made such personal progress. I don't believe, however, that the problem in the marriage is all her, even if you've identified it that way. You've gone off and done your own thing too -- the self-improvement drive. She's been out of the loop and sounds as if she feels you've brought it back around to her mainly as a way of criticizing the life you share together (which includes her). Marriage is a dynamic -- you're both to blame for its center not holding.

 

It's certainly gotten unbearable -- and beyond the point where you two can repair it on your own. If she won't go to marriage counseling, I'd say that you won't have much quality of life unless you divorce.

 

However, consider this: If you do love her, then you'll really try hard for counseling before divorce -- with the intention of also helping her to improve herself and her quality of life, not just your life or marriage. She is, after all, a separate human being in whose welfare you vowed to take a special interest, someone who is suffering at an automatic level, perhaps, but still suffering. Loving someone isn't about ticking off the pros and cons of how they contribute to your happiness but valuing who they are at their very core. If you're not doing that with her, then you don't love her and she knows it. Why would she feel you have her interests at heart when you open up a relationship dialogue? Think about it.

 

-- uriel

[kallabos]

She takes combination Loratab, Zanax, the anti depresent is zolof... I never had someone put it that way as you did uriel. I have tried to get her to got councling, tried talking to her doctors she buys them from the street, and has striped her emotions away from her. I cannot change her only god can do that, she is in denial, as for the councelor, I will keep trying.. and yes I accept that my growth has caused the problem, because I put a higher expectations on our marriage. Thanks for your responses... Anyone else?

[Craig]

Are you saying that she buys her Lortab, Xanax and Zoloft off the street?

[kallabos]

no just loratab, she gets scripts from doctors for that + buys from the internet + buys from so called friends on the street

[Craig]

Thank you for bearing with my questions. Your wife sounds like she is a drug addict and isn't going to make any significant changes in her life until she hits bottom. Chances are that if and when she gets off the drugs she would have a similar personality.

 

My guess is that only people that are close to her like you and her ex’s have seen the ugly negative side of her. That really might be what she is like and will only become more negative as time goes on.

 

You said that she doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings and calls you a child for expressing how you feel. She might view having feelings or emotions as a weakness and a signal for her to unleash the wrath of her righteous indignation upon you. The prospect of intimacy to her could be threatening as it may represent loosing control--something that she is deathly afraid of and will never admit to.

 

All of the good points you mentioned have nothing to do with intimacy or actually feeling anything at all. A robot could do all the good points you mentioned.

 

The bad points sound an awful lot like someone with OCPD have a look at this link and see what you think. Keep in mind that OCPD does not necessarily mean the person has obvious perfectionist tendencies and OCPD is not the same as OCD.

 

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson6.htm

 

You can’t blame your healthy growth for her unhealthy problems. It is your right to expect a partner in life and what you have now is an ingrate that consumes and takes everything but gives nothing in return.

 

It’s time for you to grow again. Time for more self improvement. Time to explore how you can become more and more emotionally independent of her. I am not saying treat her badly but with respect and loving care until the time comes when you can walk away and get a divorce. You don’t have to hate to get a divorce, you just have to know it’s not going to work for either of you in the long run.

 

It probably won’t be easy for you to leave your wife. In fact it may be the hardest thing you ever do but just think of laying on your death bed with your current wife standing over you raging and screaming about what a baby you are and how she wished she’d divorced you’re a$$ 50 years ago. Is that the last thing you want to see?

 

Stay focused, be strong, be respectful and grow, grow, grow.

[uriel]

Just writing back in to give Brother Craig an Amen. After hearing his reasoning and reading more details, I think he's right. Take care -- uriel