How should I tell her

[billo123]

My ex and I broke up a few months ago and my behavior was the reason. I became burnt out, ill, insecure, frustrated, and so forth with everything in my life. I love my ex and know that I made mistakes. Recently I decided to visit a few psychologist and psychiatrists, and all seem to think that I have had for a long time mental OCD or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I generally have it all the time, but times of severe stress and pressure seem to make it more pronounced thus illiciting those other behaviors stated above. Now that I have been diagnosed and I am receiving treatment, I don't know what I should to do. Part of me wants to tell my ex-gf about it, so that maybe she can forgive me, because I am taking steps to get better, and I believe although it wasn't our only problem, it was about 90% or more of it. I am not trying to use this to get her back as many people might think. Although I'd love for us to give it another try, I cherish her friendship more than anything. In reality she is the reason I was able to find the strength in myself to admit to this problem and have it dealt with. Any thoughts on whether I should tell her, and if so how? We had no contact for over a month, then had a group lunch about 2 or 3 weeks ago, where I brought nothing up about our relationship and although I invited her out with a bunch of us a couple of times, nothing else. What are your suggestions. Thank you all for your time.

 

P.S. A large reason my OCD symptoms came on so strong was the killing of a close friend of mine and my sister's depression and attempted suicide. They affected me alot and I let myself be controlled even more.

[uriel]

Don't focus on your disorder. Focus on your feelings for her. Ask to have lunch, bring her a present (something small but very her), and start by saying you asked her to lunch to thank her for inspiring you to get help. Briefly let her know how you've been helped. Then steer the conversation toward her and how she's doing.

 

Above all, throughout the lunch -- Don't go through your recovery process in excrutiating detail -- that may drain her and dredge up bad memories. It may also lead her to believe you're still self-absorbed when, in fact, you mean the moment to be about your thanking her.

 

As for the possibility of a future relationship, don't raise that at this first occasion. Stay her friend, see how the healing process with her goes, and open up the possibility if it seems mutual.

 

When and if you do -- Don't expect that your disorder was 90% of all that was wrong between you. Relationships are dynamics, so she contributed to the trouble, too. Also, the disorder is rooted in larger dimensions of your personality. I'm not saying your personality is disordered, but it's not so easy to separate something like OCD out from the rest of who you are and how you respond emotionally. It may be your emotional response system is fundamentally incompatible with hers. The only way to know for certain is to have a second chance at romance to work things out.

 

Glad you're making such progress -- keep at it.

 

-- uriel

[billo123]

Thanks Uriel,

- Currently we don't speak. Our break up was tough, and honestly it pushed her far away. We are in the same department at school, and so it is a little tougher. As for the dynamics of the relationship, for the most part we worked well together. We complimented one another well. Although some of the OCD problems were there in the beginning they weren't something that horrid. I know both of us are at fault, and perhaps 90% of our problems is being a little exaggerated, but I can see it being that much. We broke it off officially at the end of May by the way. I have been doing much better, and a lot of the things have been worked on from before. The effect of my sisters dilemmas took a large toll on me, and I told about it to know one in a promise to my sister, even not telling my girlfriend. My sister is ok with me discussing it with her now, but at the time it was draining.

 

Telling her my feelings for her may be risky. I do love her and thank her for everything she has done for me, and I would be happy to give it another shot, but friendship is what I truly want at least. As for who I am. I know in reality my disorder is not a part of my personality as has been discovered. It began hitting me about 3 years ago after some hard times in school and family issues. However, I do agree my real personality helped this OCD develop. I am a giving, self-less person in general and so when things go wrong, it hits a little harder. I needed to learn to take care of myself and be there for myself, and i have gotten back to that. I know many say that bringing it up is tough to do, but hopefully I'll find the right way. I'll be graduating in the fall, and so my time left around her is limited. I just hope I can show her the great appreciation I have for her and her helping me through this tough time.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts.