Not doing so well tonight

[ringo]

My H went out of town this evening for work. I don't trust him enough to know whether or not he is at work, but I'd like to think he's learned his lesson and is being honest with me here. Besides, it's a week night, so it's not like he's going to go out to a bar... right?!?

 

I wrote my H a long letter this evening explaining how I feel and what I expect of him, as well as asking him questions. I did this, mainly because we don't seem to communicate about issues at hand - in order to avoid conflict. H does his thing, I do mine - we meet up when it's time for bed. Not the way to live - I know, but it's better than the alternative I guess. This isn't all the time, just the majority of the time.

 

Anyhow, my letter was quite long. I asked him to respond to it... only he is really good at procrastinating with EVERYTHING to where I am the most impatient person on this planet. But I told him that I will not question his response to my letter. He can get to it when he wants, needs or feels he has time. On the other hand, I saying, "Respond now and SHOW ME your committed to this marriage NOW, DON'T MAKE ME WAIT!!" Or I should say that's what I feel and how I think...

 

I don't know how his reaction will be. It seems like everything has turned into one giant ball of snot and we don't have enough Kleenex to clean it up. OW w/his child threaten him. I threaten him. Therefore, he got angry at us both and turned himself in. He was asked (told more like it) to resign from his job.... now we're headed to be homeless, jobless, broke, and with no stability of a marriage to get us through all this. Like I said, one thing after another.

 

I need to learn when to shut up. I get angry and say things to H that I don't really mean. (Like when I threatened to turn him in at work (adultery is a HUGE no no in the military). I say them to get a response of some kind because he shows no emotion at all. ONE TIME I've seen him cry and this was when I told him to get the hell out after affair number 3 came in the picture for me. (Obvisouly he's still here) - because I figure if I'm going to be miserable regardless, I might as well be miserable with him than without him.

 

H has made it clear that he does not want to discuss that past at all. Only present and future. I feel like we have to discuss the past in order to find out what exactly went wrong with us, that he felt he had to seek outside our marriage rather than seek within our marriage - in order to PREVENT this from HOPEFULLY ever happening again.

 

So basically in my letter I asked him how he can say he learned his lesson - when he had an affair and got the OW pregnant and then continued to have unprotected sex w/other women. You'd think a child out of wedlock would FORCE someone to learn a lesson - but not in his case. I also asked him where he thinks we went wrong.... what he needs, expects from me....etc. etc.

 

Was I wrong in writing a letter instead of verbally communicating when I don't think the verbal communication is working for us?

 

Was I wrong to ask him questions in this letter and expect (demand) a response?

 

I'm sorry for rambling... I'm lonely, upset, confused, frustrated.. all of the above!!!

[snilljente]

Why are you putting up with multiple incidences of infidelity....no one deserves that and it makes sense that you would wonder where he is/if he is where he says he is. Of course, he should have to answer your questions...Have you been to counseling together?

[snilljente]

Do you have children of your own with this man? If not, I would definitely get out before you do....he does not sound like husband material...sorry, I know that this is not what you want to hear, but why stay and be miserable when you can make your own life on your own and not have to deal with an adulterer?!

[Craig]

If you are going to be miserable with or without him, is it possible that, in the long run, you might be less miserable without him?

 

What are YOU getting out of your marriage that makes you stay?

[ringo]

I stay because I love him and I'm not willing to give up. BUT - also - I haven't worked in the last 3 years since I was pregnant with our son. Therefore, I can't and don't have the funds to just pack up and leave. But now, that he's been asked to resign - we're heading home to stay with my folks (anyways) until we both get jobs and back on our feet.

 

So either way - leave or stay (with him) I'm heading home and forced to get a job. Therefore, since this came about - I had to rethink - do I want to be with him or not? I do. People make mistakes. No ones perfect. But I will say this much - once I am home, back on my own feet - If he does ever cheat again - HE'S GONE!

 

At my lowest point I was ready to kill myself. (I only find out all of this a month ago) - and thought, If I kill myself - this ass will be raising our son... NO WAY! Then I thought - kill myself - no - kill H - yes... get sentence to mental hospital for temporary insanity caused by him and all the affairs.... therefore, I can still get out later and see kids.

CRAZY THINKING HUH??? Yeah - thats what infidelty does to us - MAKES US CRAZY!!!!

 

NO I WOULD NEVER KILL MYSELF OR ANYONE ELSE.... just the anger thinking at that time....

[StillHurtin]

Was I wrong in writing a letter instead of verbally communicating when I don't think the verbal communication is working for us?

 

Was I wrong to ask him questions in this letter and expect (demand) a response?

 

 

 

 

It must of been the day to write letters to dh's b/c I did the samething. And I should of made him respond to my letter also.

I don't think you were wrong, (IMO) for writing him a letter. I guess if it was wrong then I was wrong too. My dh and I don't have the greatest communication either. He doesn't want to talk about the past. He only wants to talk about the present and the future.

 

I hope your dh responds to your letter. I hope he can tell you things that make this more clearer to you. I am sorry you are going through this again.

[StillHurtin]

I could of written your last reply. I have thought about killing myself (not seriously, just thoughts) and I don't do it for the same exact reasons you do. Dh raise our kids? NO WAY!

 

Killing H? Going to prison and him still raising our kids? NO WAY! But I haven't thought about wanting to kill him in several years. I would kill myself b4 I killed another person.

[ringo]

My H say he doesn't want to talk about the past either... but the past problems is what has us where we are today. IMO - I think we need to find out what went wrong in our marriage that made him go outside the marriage for something he wasn't getting inside.... until we get to the bottom of the problem - we can't fix the problem.

 

I don't expect him to go into details about his affairs. I don't want to know that stuff myself. But I do want to know WHY we suddenly had a lack of communication and couldn't go to each other with issues. WHY he lied - mainly to protect himself, his image, his career - protect my feelings (as he's always said what I don't know won't hurt me). But we use to be able to talk about anything and everything. Somehow we lost that - otherwise the affairs and lies would have never happened..... oh so I'd like to think.

 

Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." How true is this?!?!

[StillHurtin]

That is true (Dr. Phil's quote). I agree, sometimes you do need to bring up the past to the correct what was going on to make the present better. I know why my dh had the A (so he tells me). He said he couldn't handle the fighting anymore, said we didn't get along and he couldn't take it anymore (after 12 years of it, why does he change his mind now I have no clue). He denies that the OW had anything to do w/ his decission to file for a D. The A happened shortly after he filed for a D (so he says also). He said that he was going on w/ his life and she was the one he chose to start over again.

 

 

You derserve to know the truth. You deserve to be treated the way a woman should be treated.

 

As for talking about the A. Well, I probably asked too many ? about what happened. I wanted every damn detail and that probably just made things worse, but at least I knew what happened and how he felt about it. He didn't have much to say good about her. Dh and I had a great sex life (when we did have sex, I turned him down a lot b/c my self esteem was shot b/c of all the weight I gained and he didn't help matters by calling me awful names about my weight). Anyhoo, that was one thing that dh and I had going that was good, the sex. He told me the only thing she was different about was that she really got into it. I told him that I would of been more into it to if we didn't have children in the same house. I am sure that the OW H had their dd (she was 3 at the time) when dh and her where 2gether and I am sure her 14 yo ds was out w/ friends. Dh told me that her H had their dd a lot during the A. Anyhoo, he also said she had a lot more experience in bed than I had. WTF????? Of course she had more experience, she slept w/ so many damn men, where did he think she got it from!?!?! And what gets me is that he hated my past b/c of all the men I slept w/ but she was more of a slut than I ever was so he goes to a past slut to a present bigger slut?

 

 

I really hope you can get some answers b/c you really sound confused on what happened, why he did this to you. I hope that he realizes he has a wonder wife and he better not screw it up again.

[snilljente]

Sorry, this may sound harsh, but you say you are headed home to live with the folks....with or without him, you are broke....you do not need this man...you are making excuses and isn't 3 incidences of infidelity enough...I realize you love him, but you deserve better and your kids deserve to live with a happy mom.....stay with your folks until you get on your feet....he will have to help you with alamony and child support which will help you financially. Also, you might want to think about getting help for your depression.....i.e. meds/counseling...this might make your recovery even smoother.

[ringo]

I love my husband more than life itself. We have always had an AWESOME marriage - or so I thought. When he came back from the war - things were so different for us. Maybe it was the time apart... I don't know. But this is what I want to know... where did we go wrong that this happened.?

 

I know for him, it was mostly likely one lie led to another, and another, and another....and so on... but everyone says there are signs of a cheating man.... HE HAD NONE OF THESE SIGNS!! I never EVER thought he would do this! And I DOUBLE NEVER THOUGHT that if he did he wouldn't use protection!!!

 

Call me blind, call me stupid - but I love this man too much to give up on us. This isn't just a bump in the road for us... this is more like a mountain... but I have hope, faith and all that mumbo jumbo to know that if he's willing, and I'm willing - we can get through this together. We aren't quiters. IMO I think people are too quick to jump to divorce. I want to know that I gave it my everything, and that I tried my best - before I can walk away.

 

I want my children to grow up telling there friends that they're parents are still married - while all their friends' parents are divorced. I want to prove everyone wrong - and show them that we can make this work - and be stonger and better than BEFORE!

 

Do I think my H will cheat again? I'd like to think "NEVER".... but to trust again, is to risk again - and risk everything. I'm willing to forgive.... I want to trust again - but he's gonna have to earn it!

[snilljente]

I respect your willingness to work on your marriage, I am just concerned because he has done this more than once right? (3x if I remember correctly)....there's a pattern and that's what concerns me...I would say that, if he is willing to really look at his behavior, the issue and get counseling with you, he might be truly remorseful....if he wants you to ignore it and just "get over it" that is selfish and he is not thinking about both of you.