my girlfried of 18 months cheated 2 months ago. should i stay or should i go?

[yfulmer]

i just found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me two months ago. she was in the process of getting a divorce when we met. she was caught cheating with a man that she worked with. she told me that it was over and was never going to happen again.

 

while going through a sock drawer i found a note book with pictures of the man from work. in the book there was explicit details of the night that this happened. dinner,wine, and a couple of hours at a very posh hotel down town. they had been going to lunch and he had been buying here things. [the lunch was as recent as last week] a new dryer, gave her money to get her car fixed. along with me and one of her girlfriends. i called her best girlfriend, who thinks that i am the greatest man on the earth. i asked her what she knew. she knew nothing. i told her of the news and she was shocked.

 

now the cat was out of the bag. i got a call from my girlfriend wanting to know what i was going to do. she wanted to talk and i needed some of my clothes. she told me all that had happened. she said that he plays on some fantasy that she will never have. the money and expensive hotels. the things that she thinks she will never have.

 

he had helped here get a new job and that was what the lunches where about. i in turn have just started a new small business and am strapped for cash.

 

she cried and couldn't look me in the eyes. she told me of how bad she felt and that she was never going to speak to him again. she said that she felt know remorse for what she had done to her ex-husband, but feels so sorry for what she did to me. i don't now what to do. i do consider myself on of the few good guys left out there. i would like to give her another chance, but i don't know if i can. i feel sorry for her and i hate to just disappear from here kids lives.

 

should i stay or should i go?

 

i just need some advice

[snilljente]

I must be old-fashioned, but I say that infidelity is totally unacceptable...a total violation of trust/respect....If she was in the process of getting a divorce and boyfriend/girlfriend with you and had already violated that new relationship with infidelity, I say that this shows you clearly that she is not relationship material. Am I the only one who feels that infidelity is unacceptable?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you need to open your eyes and look at the character of your girlfriend.

She cheated on her husband and now she cheats on you because this OM was able to spend money on her. Because she could engage in a fantasy of having money spent on her and taking her to a nice hotel she feels it was acceptable to screw this guy and put your health at risk?

The character of this woman indicates that she feels it is acceptable to cheat on men whenever she feels like it. She is telling you what you wish to hear. You sound like a good guy but you judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Apparently being your girlfriend did not make her feel obligated not to cheat on you. It really sounds like this is a person that can be dazzeled by someone with money. I suggest that you move on and look for someone who can respect you and the value of a committment in a relationship because this woman seems unable to do so. I think you deserve better. I am afraid this woman will bring you nothing but pain in the future. Apparently she was very good at hiding this from you and only confessed when caught. Don't waste you time. She has shown her true colors. You deserve better and I think you know this.

[ncguy34]

I would not proceed with this relationship. It was too easy for her to do this. You deserve more than this. I would get your courage and dump her completely. She may try to explain it and say it will not happen again but it probably will.

 

Good luck!!!!!!!!

[Papillon]

She divorced because of cheating. Now you have proof of her infidelity to you.

 

Did the divorce not teach you anything? Why are you even asking for advice? This woman has a pattern of infidelity.

 

You know what to do.

[wideawake]

In case you need to hear it one more time...

 

Kick her to the curb.

[bstegall]

I know that all of you feel that I should be totally dumped by him. Believe it or not, I love him SOOOO much. Yeah, I screwed around. I don't know why I can't stay faithful. I try, I really do. I seem to at times, fell that I'm CRAZY. I know what I had with him. Why I'm weak I don't know. I see a therapist, I see a shrink. I'm trying to work thru my problems with infidelity. I want him to give me another chance. Doesn't everyone deserve at least that. Ok, if I f*** up again, I don't deserve another chance. I called the guy at work this morning and told him that it's over. I told him that I want to be with Yuri and that's it. I've never felt so much hurt. I didn't even feel that for my ex. You all dog me out for what I did but NOT one of you know me, know Yuri, our relationship and the kids that are involved. I'm SOOOO sorry that I hurt him, that I hurt my ex and that I'm in a pattern that I want to break.

 

I love him. I love him. I love him. Please, oh please give him advise that to give me another chance. I know I can change. Slowly but I know I can do it. I don't want to loose his friendship, love, and life that he has shown me in the past 18 months.

[Papillon]

I can somehow feel your sincerity, and I sympathise, but somehow I don't think you can distinguish between what's right and wrong.

 

I'm sure you love your boyfriend, I just don't think you have enough perspective on that love to keep it pure. There's some other part of you that is ignoring it.

 

I don't think you'll get much more support than this, from anyone. You have a problem, and the only way to put in in perspective is to step back from it. Yes, that means to break the pattern, you simply have to be single. If you're single, it's simply impossible to cheat and break someone's heart.

 

Then again, if you're single, what would stop you from being an OW? Nah, nevermind, I won't speculate on that.

[reservoirdog1]

I'd like to think you're sincere, bstegall. You sound sincere.

 

The problem I have is that you already cheated on your husband. (Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think your BF knew this when he started things up with you.) To me, frankly, that WAS your first chance. You knew what pain, heartbreak and devastation your actions caused the first time around. Yet you did it again, with your BF. That's pretty strongly indicative of a pattern. The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

 

Try to look at it objectively. Would YOU trust you? Would YOU trust somebody who had cheated during their marriage, and then had cheated on you? Would you give them a chance to rebuild the trust they'd destroyed, hoping against hope that they wouldn't do it again? Knowing they'd already done it twice, to two different people they'd made commitments to? Be honest.

 

That being said, however, if you're serious (and he's willing to give you a THIRD chance), you'd better make damned sure that your solution this time around is something radically different, because whatever you did last time clearly didn't make a damned bit of difference. Stay with your therapist, and go more often. Make yourself completely accountable to your BF, every waking hour. If he wants you to not go out socially without him, you should accept that without question. If he wants you to account for your whereabouts or your gas mileage or your credit card bills, do so. If he wants unlimited access to your cell phone records, email accounts (with passwords), or personal records, give those to him without question. If you want to rebuild this man's trust in you, you must move heaven and earth to do so. You must give up any expectation of privacy between you and him (except maybe in the bathroom).

 

If you're willing to do all of the above, then that will demonstrate your sincerity. If you resist doing any of that, well then, that will demonstrate your level of commitment and trustworthiness.

 

I wish you luck.

[snilljente]

Bstegal...you are making excuses...seeing a shrink, therapist for your infidelity issues....it's about self control....we don't need to know you to know that while you are working through your inability to be true to someone your boyfriend is at a great risk of getting hurt again by you. Work on your problems on your own.....and then consider a relationship. You have to think of other people's feelings and not just your own. You need to be on your own while you do this and not hurting other people. There is no excuse for infidelity.

[YellowLioness]

Look honey, your man can make his own decisions. Personally, I don't think he should stay with you. I think that as soon as temptation comes up, you will cave. Then, he will be right back where he is now, in the middle of your lies and self deception. Screw that.

 

I cannot advise him in good conscience to stay with you, knowing that you will just hurt him again.

 

Why in the WORLD do you deserve another chance? You aren't even taking responsibility for cheating; it feels like you're trying to blame your therapist. You're all like, "Oh gosh, poor me, it's not my fault. Really guys, I mean it this time."

 

Right. Sure you do. Let him find someone nice, rather then continue to lie to him about your selfish intentions.

[Bubbles]

It figures that a " cheater " would catch one of the good ones........they usually do.......then they ruin them for the rest of us.

 

Booooooo to you! Poor guy

 

 

Bubbles

[bstegall]

Thank you for all of your reply's.

 

The one thing that Yuri didn't tell everyone is yeah, I cheated on my husband. I was in an abusive relationship. If you were getting hit, yelled at, etc, would you take it? You all would probably say no, they would leave. Well, I did, it just took a while. I went to another man's arms for comfort. I did end it with the "guy" but then I started having lunch with him on occasion. I was looking for a new job. He did have connections. It was a mistake to go out to dinner with him. I was plain wrong. It was wrong that I went to a "posh" hotel. Everything about it was wrong. That was the last time. Of course, I don't know if I'm believed or not.

 

I called the guy. I told him what happened. I told him that I loved Yuri. I want you, Yuri. I didn't know what love was suppose to feel like until I had to face him yesterday after he had read my journal. I don't think it was right that he read my journal but I know it wasn't right what I did.

 

I don't denie that I have a pattern. At least I recognize my problem. Do you all recognize your problems. That is why I go to a therapist, a shrink, whatever. It's NOT an excuse. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to be loyal. I will be loyal.

 

I just want the 2nd, 3rd, whatever chance this might be. I want Yuri to want me back. I want him to be involved with my children. He already is so much. It breaks my heart to know that I broke his.

 

And to reservoirdog1, you had some very good points I've never thought about before. No, I probably wouldn't trust me if I was Yuri. OR anyone else for that matter. I just want to earn his trust again. How, I don't know. What you said, letting my guard down about anything and everything. Opening up my whole soul. It's very hard for to do. That's what I want to do. The wall has never been broken. Yuri climbed it and saw a little of my soul. I ended up building the wall higher. I want Yuri to just open the door and I WILL let him in.

 

Please, please.......I love you, Yuri.

[YellowLioness]

O.k., so,

 

your husband was abusive, and you cheated on him, but then left him.

 

Well... I'm glad you got out. That must have been a horrible experience.

 

Maybe you're just not ready to settle down, or give your heart away, yet. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

I think you should be honest with your self:

 

Why do you want to be with Y so bad if you can't stay faithful to him?

 

I know you've been through alot of hurt, but you in turn are hurting Y, and that's not fair to him.

 

When you cheat on him, you only give him painful issues of his own to deal with.

 

Since R-dog had good results with this tactic, I will use it as well.

 

How would you feel if Y constantly cheated on you?

 

If you are not over what happened to you in your previous marriage (and there is nothing wrong with taking time to heal, nothing at all) then you shouldn't push the issues over onto Y.

 

Good luck on healing yourself. I sincerely wish and hope the best for you.

[coley]

i am the sister of Y . I was also the friend of bstegall.

 

my brother truly is one of the few great men left.

 

i also had been in abusive relationships but, when i found love in

my life i didnt take advantage of it and screw someone else. i held

tight. you dont find the love between my brother and you after you cheat

but before. the reason you know its love is because you never find

yourself in the position to betray your love.

 

your are right about one thing and thats the kids. they are going to experience what feels like a divorce a second time due to your selfish

actions.

 

being in an abusive relationship is not an excuse to cheat either. you

set an example to your children an you leave the abusive man and show

your children how things are suppose to be done. you pass your morals

on to your children. dad was bad so i screwed around and then left? now

kids i have a great man who treats you like his own. buys you clothes,

food, gives 300.00 to fix moms car, takes your son fishing, and picks the

kids up from scholol. ill screw around on him to....... see followin post

[coley]

sorry ran out of room......

 

what message have you sent your kids. you say you

can change slowly. at who 's cost?

 

you have no idea how many people your actions have effected.

im glad your crying.. i hope your crying 2 years from now.

 

in your post you talk about you, you , you!!!! thats your problem you were thinking about you the whole time.

 

 

b- i hoped you were the person he thought you were. im saddeened for him your not.

 

i do know the both of you. he may not lavish you with riches

of material but, he provided for your kids and did lavish you with love.

 

for my brother- i love you- you deserve better.. move on

[reservoirdog1]

Coley... what you wrote is almost exactly what the older of my two sisters has expressed to me many times in the year since I found out my TBXW had cheated on me many times. She, too, used to be a friend of TBXW. Like your brother, I didn't have a bunch of money... but I did give her my love, absolutely, without question. I too was, and still am, a damned good father. And, like you, my sister has reminded me repeatedly that I deserve better. It took me awhile to realize how right she was.

 

So, on behalf of me and my fellow betrayed out there... to siblings, parents, and friends, thanks for helping us get through our pain and for reminding us that we deserve better. You've helped us more than you can imagine.

[coley]

reservoirdog1,

 

thanks for the reply. i do want to explain that my brother

does not have alot of money...but...he went above and

beyond going with out so, her and her children can have.

 

i dont hate her... i hate her actions....it cant be undone.

 

i dont live close to my brother or talk as often as we should

but, i am there for him... i love him and only want the best

for him....

 

thanks again......... coley