monaco Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 i've been with my bf for 4 years - he's 28, i'm 29. he started up his own business recently so he's not yet financially stable. a lot of our friends have gotten married within the last 2 years and some even have kids - so there's quite a bit of pressure from friends and family, and also a very loudly ticking biological clock for me. these 4 years, he has always said that he's not ready to get married. sometimes we would have discussions about how we would do up our future house, what it takes to make marriage work etc... but he could never give me any kind of time frame as to WHEN and IF we will settle down. every once in a while, i would get bring up that our relationship is going nowhere and he would get upset and tell me again that he's not ready. aside from this issue, we have a pretty good relationship - with the normal ups and downs of course. 2 days ago, my friend called up to say she just got engaged... i got upset and when he asked me what was wrong, i told him i was thinking of breaking up with him. it became one of those fights that was going absolutely nowhere, partly because i was not sure what i wanted. at the end of it he said maybe it was better for us to just break up because this issue would just keep coming up. he said he wanted a week to think about it – and this week included his birthday, my birthday and our anniversary. i’ve been pretty miserable... i don’t know if we still have a relationship and it’ll be tough getting thru the next few days. i’m also taking the time to think about what i want. i wonder if i really want the whole marriage and kids thing... or do i think i do just because that is what society expects of me. i guess i do want those things but i want them with HIM. do i leave him and look for it with someone else?... or stay together and just enjoy the relationship as it is? thanks for taking the time to read my rambling post... any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Well, if you two are going to make it, you should spend your anniversary together. Usually, if someone really cares about you, they will want to spend major holidays and personal events with you. That is how my mom told me to tell if a guy really liked me. So far, it's been utterly true. I would say that you two are just in different places, and really they're not reconcilable. You are wanting the exact opposite of what he wants; there is no way that could work. He knows it, and he will probably realize how unfair this has been to both of you by the time he talks to you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Sorry sweetie, but it doesn't sound like he wants to be married. Either the timing's wrong, or he just doesn't feel like you're his 'Miss Right' The worst reason to get married is because 'other people are pressuring me'. People should get married because it's what they really want to do. And some people don't believe in the institution whatsoever! So if after 4 years he just doesn't seem keen on the idea and actually thinks breaking up might be the right way to go, I wouldn't try to hang on. I wish you good luck. You will be so much happier being with someone who wants the same things you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Why do you have to be married? Because your friends are? Have you discussed kids? Is the husband / wife title super important to you? Lots of people these days skip the ceremony and live as a couple w/out the legal stipulations- perhaps it's just the official nature of a marriage that frightens him- He has been w/you for 4 years so I would not think commitment is the fear here. The important thing is - What do YOU want? Can you live as a couple but not man and wife? Or do you need the ceremony? Is this worth losing him over? Marriage is very important to me- but my BF is more important than any piece of paper. If he wanted to have kids and start a family but was just too creeped out by a piece of paper- So be it- I'd be w/him anyway. It's the family part that is the deal breaker for me- you may be different. There is no right or wrong answer- this is a matter of personal choice. Good Luck and I hope you can find a common ground- you really seem to love him and I hate to see that thrown away Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 When a man says "I am not ready for marriage or a committment" that means not with you! You have 2 choices here as I see it...stay or leave. There is a wonderful book out it is called....Make up to break up! This book is awesome. Read it! Why waste your time with a man that is going to keep you hanging on a string like this? Love yourself enough to know you deserve happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author monaco Posted August 13, 2004 Author Share Posted August 13, 2004 an update - as mentioned in my original post, all this time, i haven't really given serious thought as to what i wanted. two days ago, he messaged me on my mobile to say we should go our separate ways. i was at that moment with a very gd guy friend of mine (who's gay, and also a trained counsellor) and he forced me to decide what i wanted. after thrashing it out, i decided that all i wanted was to be with him. in my reply to his message, i told him that he thinks we should break up because he thinks he can't give me what i want, when what i want is really a decision for me to make - and all i want is to be with him. we met up yesterday. he said he didn't believe that was all i wanted and said he needed more time to think about it. i'm a total mess. today is my bday, tomorrow is our 4th year anniversary and sunday is his bday. i'm feeling very alone and wondering how to get thru the next few days... if he tells me that he really doesn't believe that all i want is to be with him then i think it's also better that we break up. i guess what's really killing me now is not knowing... thank you for all your responses... your thoughts are much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 Girl, it's your birthday. Don't let a man get you so far down that you can't enjoy it. Go out with your friends, and have a great time. Get your mind off the matter. Perhaps with some space, you will realize that you don't need him. You may find that you were in love with being in love. Or, perhaps that you loved him, but that he was bad for you. It could be that once you show him that you're strong with out him, that he'll be more comfortable being with you. Anyway, happy birthday, again! You know, it's crazy that your bday is on Friday the 13th. I'd have a huge party if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 a lot of our friends have gotten married within the last 2 years and some even have kids - so there's quite a bit of pressure from friends and family, and also a very loudly ticking biological clock for me. Monaco, certainly you're not the first that has felt our society's ridiculous pressure to enter the cultural anachronism we know as "marriage." You're only 29. Chances are you have many child bearing years ahead of you. You'll need about 20 to raise a child at this point, making you 50, minimum, when the first leaves the nest. Then you'll have 20-30 years to go until death will do you part. How do you envision living with this guy for another 50 years, a guy who has been with you just 4 years, and DOES NOT, and HAS ALWAYs SAID, he does NOT want to be married? I'd suggest you find some else, and take your time. You've got PLENTY OF IT!! Link to post Share on other sites
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