Concerned about boyfriend's drinking?

[KissMeSoftly]

New user here, but I've been viewing these forums for quite some time now, and am in desperate need of some advice.

 

I think that my boyfriend is an alcoholic. He literally drinks from Friday, at around 2 pm after work until Sunday night, with no stopping. I am not joking - The first thing he does the next morning is crack open a beer and start drinking again.

 

I've talked to him, tried to tell him several times that it's not normal.. but he gets all defensive whenever the subject is brought up. According to him, he "can't" be an alcoholic because he "only drinks on the weekends." I don't know about all of you, but I disagree. He also has the tendacy to turn into a really big a**hole when he's under the influence, has experienced black outs, and will drink to the point of actually passing out where he's sitting. Every time we fight, it is always when he's drunk. When sober, he's one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. The booze turns him into a completely different person.

 

I'm at my wits end with the situation... I simply cannot handle anymore of these weekend binges of his. Especially after an incident that occured last Saturday night.

 

We both went to bed around 11 pm (him drunk, and me sober), and he woke me up at about three in the morning by banging around... Then he literally starts PEEING right in the middle of the room. Luckily, I was very much awake at this point and was able to get out of the way. He soaked both the bed sheets AND the mattress... I don't know if he was too out of it to know how to get himself to the bathroom, or what. But it was extremely disturbing nonetheless.

 

Then he just laid back down and passed out. I couldn't wake him, no matter how hard I tried. So needless to say, I ended up sleeping on the couch that night- Not very comfortably, mind you. I barely got any sleep. And when I woke up the next morning, he had turned the mattress over, but never brought up what happened, and so far, neither have I.

 

To be honest, I don't know HOW to bring it up.

 

But I am extremely worried about his drinking... I find it very un-natural for someone to drink morning until night on weekends, and not remember anything that happened the night before. This "sleeping peeing" thing also has me wondering.

 

...How do I go about making him realize that he has a problem?

[Balzac]

You explain why you are leaving, when he is sober. Then you get yourself into counseling to understand why you stayed with him.

[2sunny]

YOU can't make it change for him!

 

Leave immediately and don't look back!

 

But not before you tell him to get help! He needs to go to AA and possibly rehab.

 

Google blackout drinking - he may not even remember that he peed.

 

Don't be surprised when he doesn't care that you leave... He will choose to drink over being with ANY woman he's with... It's not you. It's his active disease that's in the way of allowing him to feel and be regretful/remorseful.

Edited December 8, 2012 by 2sunny

[MyEvilTwin]

You might want to do some reading on alcoholism, perhaps the friends and family section of soberrecovery.com

 

Whether or not he is an alcoholic--"alcohol physically dependent" is immaterial here. He abuses alcohol, period. That's no way for YOU to live. It is his decision. He may decide that alcohol will be his first love for the rest of his life. So...what is YOUR decision?

See the first thing you learn in an alcohol relationship is that you only have control over yourself. You can set a boundary for yourself, but not for him. A boundary for you might be--I am going to spend my weekends elsewhere since you spend yours drunk. That's just an example. Before you fight over this--you tell him that you believe he has a problem, needs AA, and needs individual counseling, and that this problem is affecting your life and your relationship with him, and that it is unacceptable to you.

Then the ball is in his court to do something about it, or continue on status quo.

Then, is when you take a look at the situation and ask yourself, If he never changes, am I willing to live this way?

There are other steps after that, but at this point you simply need clarity on what is in your control, what is not in your control, and what you are willing to live with.

[fucpcg]

If you want to try and have a relationship with a person who has an alcohol problem, prepare to get hurt. There isn't any talking to them about their problem, because it's not a problem in reality, it's an addiction. People who try to get over alcohol addictions struggle with it for the rest of their lives, and often lose the battle. You have no idea how wrong it is to think that this is something you can just talk to him about. I don't know why you would even try, but if there is some kind of draw you have toward him that is making you want to try and stay, go find a local Al-Anon group and hear their stories. The longer you stay, the more it will hurt when you are discarded from his life like yesterdays trash. That might be the easy way out. My ex tried to throw me under the bus for her drinking when she discarded me, by telling everyone on the planet how abusive I was to her and that is why she has to go out and get drunk, to undo all the damage I did to her. Funny thing was, that is exactly the stories she told me about her exhusband in the year that she was sober and we dated. Once she went back to drinking, I was the new excuse.

 

Nothing good will come of this, either get out now or prepare for the worst, because it WILL come.

[Forever Learning]

Yes I put up with this crap for 16 years in a marriage and in a 7 year relationship prior to that.

 

 

Everything everyone here has told you is 100% true.

 

You just don't know it yet.

 

Don't feel bad, just get smart, learn a lesson about alcoholics (and drug addicts for that matter) and leave.

 

You will also want to continue getting wiser and more aware in life by learning about co-dependency and boundaries.

 

Read all you can here, on the internet, and books on these subjects. Your life will be so much better for it.

 

Great books you MUST to read include:

 

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood

 

'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie

 

'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud

 

Please be sure to read all three of these books, it is imperative you do so.

 

All the best to you and Merry Christmas dear lady!

 

p.s. Life is short. Don't waste years of it with LOSERS, like I did. Seriously.

[peppermintpaddy]

All very negative replies,but all true nevertheless....It sounds to me that he is displaying all the symptoms of alcoholism......You cant help him by ignoring it,or by propping him up....to do something about his problem he needs to reach a rock bottom......maybe sitting down with him when hes sober and telling him straight might have some effect.I know my ex-wife helped me to get to AA with her brutal honesty.

I think you should tell him if he doesnt seek help (he probably thinks he doesnt need help) then youre walking out on him......maybe offer to trake him to an AA meeting.....anyway,as has been suggested by other posters,Al-Anon is a wonderful organization...if you decide to stay with him,contact them,you'll need their support!