BlueStone Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 I want to get a divorce after 11 years of marriage. Hb. often verbally abusive, I would like to discuss divorce with him to avoid unnecesary costs with lawyers and court but afraid he will pull the "you are the cause of everything" and I'll throw you out of the house" card again and we end there. Any suggestions how could I approach him better and have a conversation with him? We are not talking to each other, just say "hi" - that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Ask him to go to counseling with you (go on your own for a while first so you can gain the strength first) and then talk about D in a counseling session. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueStone Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 We have been through this - he would never come into counseling with me. And I don't have the money to do it just by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
emilywtf Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 Depending on where you are, chances are he cannot legally kick you out, change the locks, etc. Those are tactics often used by manipulative abusers to control a situation. I will be honest, based on what you said, I doubt he will ever make this easy on you. He is an abuser, that is his modus operandi. I am in a marriage with a man like that. Every time i would try to talk to him about this, he would threaten, and insult, and do whatever he could to control the situation. Eventually i had to bite the bullet and find a lawyer. A lawyer is the best way to navigate through a difficult situation and make sure you don't (either one of you) screw the other. I have never spoken with a single person who divorced without a lawyer who did not eventually regret it. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueStone Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 I'm actually not afraid of being locked out but would really hate to go into fighting. You say you have never talked with anybody who divorced without a lawyer and did not regret it - can you give me examples, what did they regret? Link to post Share on other sites
emilywtf Posted December 8, 2012 Share Posted December 8, 2012 It was mainly property related. Not getting child support or maintenance. One lady was so anxious to get away she just signed everything over to him and left with nothing. They had no one there to give them an idea of what their rights were, and as such, gave up rights to nearly everything. You were a part of that relationship for 11 years. Even if you were a stay at home mom or wife the whole time, you still contributed and are entitled to something based on the laws in your state or country. Call around. Some lawyers will help abused women at discounted rates. I found mine through a battered womens shelter in my town and he is charging a reasonable rate because of the referral i got from the shelter. My ex does not know i have a lawyer. He does not know I have an apartment I am moving into in 2 weeks. He does not know i bave been slowly cleaning and inventorying my belongings so i can pack them in a hurry and go one day when he is either out with one of his hirlfriends or at work. This was the advice of the lawyer because my husband is an abuser and unstable due to his drinking. Know your rights. Get legal counsel. And maybe a therapist. Two best things i ever did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueStone Posted December 8, 2012 Author Share Posted December 8, 2012 Wow, Emily, you have a lot on your plate. I know my rights and he of course can now throw me out. But i just hate to go into all this battle. Inventorying things- I was thinking about it, only it would be sooo much easier to say, hey you like this picture, take it, I like that, I take that. It's really hard to give a price to a picture on the wall or to an old couch. Link to post Share on other sites
joege18 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Instead of wasting your time 'meeting' with him, just start the process yourself! You know that you do not need an attorney to get divorced right? Link to post Share on other sites
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