Question for those betrayed...

[ringo]

"Trust can be rebuilt by behavior, not words."

 

What do we need?

What do we expect?

 

... From our cheating and/or lying spouses to "Show Us" that they are committed to us and trying to make an effort in changing things for the better?

[HurtRuphen]

Hi Ringo, My wife had an affair 18 months ago. We are in reconciliation.

 

I found out, so that makes it even worse if maybe she fessed up and had the guts to tell me and the respect I deserved to know what was going on. I work shift work from 4pm to midnight- saturday to wednesday. She a school teacher, so we have little time to spend together.

 

I trusted her completely to at least believe in the vows we took to each other. I was never the controling type. I have always been more on the passive side. We stopped communicating, she had a smart mouth on her. I got tired of her constant griping and found through this forum that that is a way out, the excuse of arguement to run over to fantasy land to be with her lover.

 

She has been remorseful, and has sadly had to endure my mistrust, distrust and in some ways a lack of respect on my end now. I see her in a different light now, for sure I know things will never be the same, but try to remind myself of the person I fell in love with and keep my end of the deal, and simply look to a new beginning- a fresh start.

 

This betrayal has changed my outlook even more and I see everything in life (not only my wife)in a new light. It has considerably weakened my morale.sp?

Everyone that has been on this side, have had a sense of failure, guilt, and dispair at one time or another. My wife has rededicated herself to our marriage and she has been about 90 percent accountable for her actions, sometimes she shows her old self and is the cold hearted person that stopped caring for what we once had, hell we both did back then, and now our conversations have been frank and even hurtful, I need the honesty back and reasurances every day. I expect alot out of her and I sometimes make her feel she fails me, because she doesn't call as often as I feel she should. When she is out with her friends, only girls now, no men. She doesn't call until the night's over at 12 am.

 

I have been hard on her more than ever. Our marriage was 12 years and rocky, to only get worse. We were both in a vacuum. Her explanation of the affair is "she was weak". We all have our weaknesses, but it was still a shock. On the initial confrontation I broke out crying like a little baby. She told me she realized all she had done to our marriage, to me and to herself, in that single moment she saw the devastation and hurt in my eyes.

 

We have got to face the challenges in everyday life. We need to be strong for ourselves. I had to keep busy and realized I have never had enough patience in our marriage. To learn and recognize the good qualities in my wife and not take her for granted and not to be taken for grandted either. I have to learn to communicate with her. Most times now when we disagree, I just get sad. I shut down for days and she usually comes and tries to cheer me up and apologize to me.

 

We are taking things one step at at time. We learned not to waste what little valuable time we have to spend together in petty sqabbles.

 

I felt I had to try and tell this in what I have been going through. I'm sure so many people on here can relate.

 

HurtRuphen

[SueBee]

Ringo & HurtRuphen,

 

I know that when I found out on 1/03 that my husband was cheating, my world shattered at that moment and really has been going downhill ever since.

 

My H and I were married 9/02 and I found out in 1/03 that the whole time we were dating he was chatting with women on the internet and even met a few for "dates" (if you can call them that!). He claims since we married he hasn't cheated (but he did cheat 3 wks before we married), but that doesn't ease the hurt of the 2 1/2 yrs we were dating that he was cheating the whole time. I feel like I married someone I don't even know and it's a living hell. He seems remorseful but I can't seem to get past the pain. At this point, I don't see how the betrayed can ever build up the trust again. I question his every move and though I really don't know if he would cheat now, I think back to all the time he "lead me on" with lies and deceit when he could see the love I had for him, he could have come clean so many times and told me what was going on. He owed me that bit of respect - but he didn't. He was only concerned with saving his own butt and since he knows that telling me he was dating around, he would either lose me, or he would have to live with the fact that I could also "date around". Knowing how selfish he is, I know he couldn't stand to think of me with another man.

 

I have been to a counselor by myself and we even went to 1 together. My counselor understood the pain completely. The 1 we went to together told me to get over it now that it's out in the open. Of course, like you HurtRuphen, I found out what he was doing, he didn't confess so that makes me wonder what else he's hiding or lying about. The 1 we went to together told me to quit picking at our relationship because its like a sore and it will never heal if I keep harping on it. So of course we came away from that session with me feeling bad for jumping all over him and him feeling like he did nothing wrong. What a joke!

 

Even though he seems remorseful, I just don't trust him. How can I when we were happy and everything seemed good in our relationship, he was being deceitful. So now if everything is going good, all I see is that he could be doing something behind my back, like before, and I wouldn't know. He's a good actor.

 

I don't think there's anything he could do to make it better. I just don't think I could ever trust him again after this immense pain so I'm sure our marriage will eventually end. I think, that for me, it would be better to start again with someone that has morals and is trustworthy. That's my 2 cents

 

Sue Bee

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by ringo

"Trust can be rebuilt by behavior, not words."

 

What do we need?

What do we expect?

 

... From our cheating and/or lying spouses to "Show Us" that they are committed to us and trying to make an effort in changing things for the better?

 

I need to be shown that he loves me. Even though he says it several times a day sometimes you just need to hear more than those three words. He can show me he loves me by just doing little things for me. Not turning me down for a foot massage, a back rub, w/o it being a something inconvienant to him. Maybe a rose here and there. Maybe helping around the house more w/o me having to ask for help (I am not the type of person to ask for help, too much pride I guess.)

 

I expect him to be in control of his anger. He has issues here. We are too much alike in the way, but his is much worse. He is a loud person. He talks loud. I was even told he is like my aunt and uncles family b/c they are so loud.

It's not that he is yelling or anything out of anger, he just is a loud person. And when he drank, OMGosh, he was loud and obnoxious.

 

What has dh done for me that has shown he has wanted to change: He went to counseling for a few months but quit b/c he lost his job (the OW got him fired shortly after he broke it off w/ her. TG though, b/c he is no longer working w/ her and he moved away to be w/ me and our kids). And since he lost his insurance he couldn't afford to go. He couldn't pay all his bills, the morgage, child support and alimony, and food. He didn't like going to counseling but that was one thing I demanded b4 I got back w/ him. He has gave my roses a few times and cards. He has written me several poems that expresses how he really feels. He has paid attention to me more and not just to get sex (use to be the only time he would hold me or kiss me was when he wanted it). He still has more to proove to me and the marriage is still a little rocky b/c I don't trust him.

[ringo]

I need for him to "Show Me" is that his remorseful. His behaviors can change as in...

 

2) That he wants to make this marriage work - by going to counseling, reading support books, looking up support stuff on the Internet (all the things I'm doing....)

 

3) Communicating with me openly and honestly - I want "brutal" honesty... don't sugar coat for the sake of my feelings. Lay it all out on the table now...

 

4) Call when you going to be late. Be where you say you are going to be.

 

5) Treat me the way I you want me to treat you.

 

6) Be compassionate to my feelings. Don't push me away because I'm hurting. Help me to heal.

 

7) Make a date night (at least) once every other week (w/o kids) where we don't discuss issues at hand, kids, work, or finances.... we enjoy each other - get to know each other again and have a good time together.

 

8) When I'm worried or scared, assure me - support me - help me - be there for me -

 

9) Spend more time (talking) with me rather than with you nose in a book or your eyes glued to the TV.

 

10) Do what ever needs to get done to help our marriage now - don't procrastinate on US!

 

 

But what else can they do (behavior wise) to "Show" us that they are willing to change?

 

My H wrote me a letter once (shortly after I found out all this) of all the things he loves about me. It was sweet. But I sat there - and thought - "If you love basically everything about me, then why did you disrespect me, lie to me, cheat on me, hurt our family...etc. etc. etc." That only hurt his feelings. I guess he was expecting me to read in, cry with happiness and fall into his arms and make love - Sure - maybe a few years a go this would have happened... but not now. I'm angry. Don't write me a letter and tell me crap that you think I want to hear! SHOW ME that you love me and are willing to do ANYTHING to fix this! This is what I want.

[DazednConfused]

Hello Ringo,

 

My story is all contained in "Wife made a stupid mistake", so I won't go into the history here, but simply try to answer your question.

 

In my case, I was a total wreck for about the first eight weeks, I voraciously read everything I could get my hands on to try to understand the mentality of unfaithful spouses. I found that there about 100 or more different theories on the treatment of wronged spouse to get over the emotional pain of betrayal. I think the reason for this is because we are all so individually different.

 

"Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder is a great book focused directly on our side of the story. It has been a lifesaver in the most literal sense. We as victims feel guilty expressing our anger about the unfairness of it all which adds to our overrall sense of unbalance.

Our spouses cheated.

 

They created a world for themselves in which we were not included or even considered.

 

They acted toward us as if all was okay in the world.

 

They assumed that "What we don't know won't hurt us"

 

They made us a laughing stock of all who were aware of their indiscretions.

 

They lied to our faces.

 

They used us for the safe home life while they were out screwing around on us.

 

And we trusted them implicitly never to hurt us like that.

 

So now, we are stuck holding the bag, while they try to show us that they really want to be with us.

 

My wife and I tried a counselor who was terrible. Again, there are so many different ways to treat a couple after an affair, so we have decided to go it on our own. We bought the books from Marriagebuilders.com and we each read a chapter a week; every Thursday, we have a date night in which anything can be said and we discuss the chapter we have read. This has created a time and place in which we can talk openly and honestly, it is agreed upon that this is the time, and we are in public, so discussions are less likely to degenerate to finger-pointing, blame, etc. This has been a truly great thing for me and for my wife as we have a regular forum to discuss issues, there are no bombs during the week, or at times when we are unprepared.

 

Otherwise, we spend nearly every waking moment together when we are not working. We play 36 holes of golf together each weekend. (I think she loves golf even more that I do. ) We go out together often, and because we have Thursday nights, we can be more comfortable together and just be happy.

 

My wife had broken off the affair before I found out, so that really was not an issue, but honesty and accountability will probably be an issue for quite a long time. I have total disclosure about the events of the affair, and I know why it happened. We also now have an "open book" arrangement. We can access each others' emails, voice mails, cell phone records, etc. I don't know if she checks up on me, but I check on her daily, and she is aware of it. She knows she screwed up, and is willing to do anything I ask to fix it and make us a stronger couple.

 

So now at eleven weeks, I feel better. Do I feel good? No. But I think it will come.

 

I wish you luck Ringo, You seem like a strong person at her wit's end, try hard to be yourself, and hang in there.