Is he controling or am I too demanding?

[marina17103]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 6 months. He has a extremely busy job and travels much abroad. We basically meet only one weekend in 2 or 3 weeks. Whenever I mention about the little time we spend together, he would say he has too much work to do. And during those times we are not meeting, there is no phone calls, no emails(he gets too many for his work so he prefers not to talk to me through emails), no SMS. Also he says he is not ready for sex. So we never have had sex even if he sleeps over at my place. Am I right if I feel controled that he is deciding when we meet and how we communicate, or am I too demanding that I should be considerate of his busy schedules? I feel that I like him more than he likes me.

 

He keeps contact with his ex girlfriend. They broke up 3 years ago and have been friends since then. He will meet her in his work trip to her town next weekend. Should I tell him not to meet her but come back to see me during that weekend? It bothers me so much. He seems to keep me in darkness. I have not met any of his friends or parents because he is not ready mentally.

[dyermaker]

: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who makes little effort to contact you, doesn't want to have sex with you, barely wants to see you, doesn't communicate with you about issues you address, and has a healthier relationship with his ex-girlfriend than with you? After 6 months?

 

: I think you can do better.

[marina17103]

what you said is quite right. I have been doubting his lack of interest in meeting me. On the other hand, maybe I am finding excuses for him, he does have a busy work schedule and most of the time he is abroad. I like him very much, really hope the relationship will work. Should I confront him again about his time and ex, or just be patient? Will a man fall in love after dating 6 months? or will he ever?

[NatoPMT]

Hi Marina

 

Yes, i believe someone can fall in love after dating for 6 months, but surely there has to be something to build on in the first place, and this guys giving you nothing.

 

I understand you like him very much, but id get out now before you fall in love with him. The longer you stay somewhere you feel unappreciated & unwanted, the more you get locked into something destructive for you.

 

You say you want this to work out, but what's there to work out in the first place? No intimacy, no companionship? The only thing you can possibly want this to work into is what you have created as your ideal, and if your ideal isnt met you can only be further disappointed. He';s never fitted this ideal so hes never likely to.

 

and in addition, if hes that busy with work, hes never going to be able to give you much priority, after 6 months or 6 years - do you want to feel like this for the next 6 years waiting for him to fall in love? and if he DOES fall in love, who's to say hes going to act many differently?

 

Dont look back.

[marina17103]

hello! I really like the points you made in your post. It helps me to clarify the mess. It is true myself is even wondering should I continue this relationship or should I call it off? It looks like his work is the most thing in his life. In his other love affairs, he has always put his own development first and gave up love. Another thing is that he seems to be contantly checking on the next best possibilities. When we went on holiday trips, the way he stares at other girls make me shudder. We are both in our early 30s. Should this be a mature age? The good things about him is that when we are together, he really focuses on us, no phone calls, no work...and we do talk to each other quite well. But does this make up a good long-term relationship ? I need your advice and wisdom.

[NatoPMT]

Erk, hes in his early thirties? And you feel he’s still checking out other possibilities? Blimey marina, id scoot out of it myself. I imagine you, being in your early 30’s are pretty much aware of what you want and where you want to be, this bloke doesn’t seem to know even if he wants to find out if you are compatible. He’s giving you no time, no sex etc etc. heaven knows what he’s thinking, but his immediate plans seem to all revolve around what he wants.

 

There’s one way round it I guess, you could explain to him you don’t feel he’s ready for commitment yet, so as a consequence you don’t feel ready to commit to him and that you are going to still date other men. I personally don’t believe in the US way of multiple dating, I believe if you are with someone, you are with them, full stop (although your man doesn’t seem to think this way). At least that way you can concentrate a bit more on what you want and your horizons are opened up somewhat. And lets face it, you have plenty of time to go on dates.

 

This situation would reduce me to gibbering mess status pretty quickly. I’d not enjoy being in a relationship of this nature, so id tell him it was over and why it was over. You can issue ultimatums (bad word, but the effect is still the same) if you truly believe its over and the only salvation is if he decides he’s ready to at least try to find out if you are The One. He may pull his socks up, but his socks pulled up could be just as rubbish as his socks slipped down. Id take a bit of time out to recouperate, feeling stronger and happier in yourself that you took the decision to have control over what happens to you, instead of allowing yourself to be dictated to by a man, who from where I am sitting, appears to be an emotional infant.

 

BB, the not-so-wise-but-has-a-go-anyway

[marina17103]

Hi! Thanks so much for your reply. I appricitiate it very much. I feel better now. I personally dont like the idea of multiple dating. I guess what I should do is to tell him what I feel and what changes I want in him. But if he still does not change, then full stop. I am prepared for it. I guess in the next couple of months, things will be either this or that. By the way, I like the maturity you expressed in your reply. I would like to hear more your advice.