Finding it hard to settle down

[Woggle]

I won't be man but I feel it is wrong to make somebody be in a relationship under false pretenses. He thinks he has one kind of relationship when it is something entirely different.

[Darren Steez]

I haven't read through everything completely, but I'm going to give my two cents to you Sally, and the other posters here more than likely will not agree with me.

Also, I can't believe how harsh everyone has been.. I guess you have to be or have been in this situation to really understand.

 

First, I'm going to share a little bit about my past relationship I've been posting about on LS. I haven't opened up about this portion of my relationship here, because I didn't want mean/rude comments, etc.

 

ANYWAY. When my relationship started out everything was great. I mean, everything. We moved in together about 7 months in. A few months later, things turned to worse. We were arguing a lot, fighting, he was neglecting me, playing waaaay too much xbox so much so that he rather play his games than spend any amount of time with me. Even though all of that was going on, I still loved him, he still loved me. The love was VERY much still there, if that makes sense.

 

Then that's where guy number one came in to the picture. My ex met him through a friend at work, and they started hanging out. Number one had my phone number, at the time my ex and I shared my phone. When he'd come to our apartment, he'd text me things like, "wow you look really pretty tonight" "you're so amazing, I don't see how he can treat you like this" basic flirty texts. I fed in to them, because I wasn't getting attention from my man. Guy number one also had a girlfriend, I asked him if he ever cheated on her, he told me yes, then proceeded to ask me if I ever cheated on my boyfriend, which up until that moment I hadn't. Fast forward a while, and we were sneaking behind my boyfriends back. The first time when we had sex, it was probably comparable to hitting a crack pipe for the first time (lol?) I felt a high, a rush. I was hooked. We hooked up a few more times, until I ended it. I enjoyed it, but at the same time, I felt hurt when I looked at my boyfriend. I felt so guilty. I guess not guilty enough though..

 

Guy number two came along about a month or so later after I had ended it with guy one. I had just started a new job at a restaurant as a hostess, he was a busser. He was very flirty with me, I told him I had a boyfriend, I was trying to be good. Things were better with my boyfriend this time around. However he kept pursuing me, saying things like, We could still be friends, you know? Fast forward that situation, I hooked up with him twice, went to his house. I never had full on sex with him, but I still got that same high, that same rush. He actually ended it with me, because his ex girlfriend came back into the picture, and he wanted to pursue that. I was fine.

 

Then came around guy number three. He had been in my life since high school (I was seeing his friend at the time), and there was ALWAYS that attraction there. He contacted me through facebook, confessing he had always liked me, back when I was seeing his friend, and now I was with my then-boyfriend, and he still liked me. I pursued him. Ended up making out with him once in my car in front of his house, he wanted to take it farther, but I just didn't. I felt bad for my boyfriend.

 

A few break ups to make ups happened between my boyfriend and I throughout the time living together, and the final time we got together I told myself I'd be faithful. It was hard. I had started another new job, and there were so many 'suitors' there. It was hard to deny them. Tell them no. But I did. Then I met another guy at work, and just kind of fell for him. We texted semi-flirty things, but nothing became of them.

 

That's when I started counseling. I had to change (along with other personal issues I was having, that weren't related to this). I told my therapist about all of my encounters over that year. I told her how I did feel bad, and how I was now trying to be faithful, and was being successful, besides the flirting. She helped me a lot. I also asked her if I should tell my then-boyfriend about all of the cheating I had done... This is where people are NOT going to agree with me. She told me no. Why ruin his happiness? If you have it under control now, you are just digging up the past. Is basically what she told me. I do agree with her. If you can change, and are willing to work towards that change, why tell them? Of course it's best to be honest with the one you love, of course it is! But if you know this is something you can change, to prevent in the future... leave it in the past.

 

I'm going against what everyone else is saying...to an extent. Do not tell him about your infidelities. Why hurt him? CONTINUE to seek therapy, and put all of their advice to use to your full advantage. REALLY work on changing this about yourself. I never told my ex boyfriend, and once I had stopped (at least the actual sexual contact/seeing other men) our relationship was good in that aspect... I mean, we had other problems, but this was no longer one of them. He still doesn't know until this day.

 

HOWEVER!! If you do NOT see yourself progressing or moving beyond this, and you cannot move past the guilt (assuming there is some level of guilt on your end for all of the cheating)... Leave him. I know you won't want to. But if you can't change your ways... LEAVE. It's not fair to him if you KEEP doing this. I cannot stress this enough.

 

 

LS... please be nice to me for this one lol.

 

And how long is this supposed therapy by trail and error supposed to take, one, two three years of lying and relapses? What if he proposes, she's certainly not going to tell him then?

 

You are using someone when you're being wholly dishonest with them. People take this so casually but when you cheat with someone you're literally f*cking with someone's life, that's how hard they can take it. This guy is pouring his energy heart and soul into someone but doesn't actually exist. No matter how you dress it up, addiction, lack of conviction whatever, you are lying to him and yourself.

 

It's not addiction, it's fear of being alone and not being validated. She claims to love so much but "switches" off when she's with someone else in a club or on a delivery, but I bet it doesn't happen when they go out together, because she hides it * Deception* Surely all these men would be texting her and calling her, but I'm sure she hides that too *Deception*

When she describes her day and what she did and leaves out details of men visiting her house or her going to men's houses for quickies *Deception*

 

I mean right now she's not even willing to communicate with him about what she's going through, he probably thinks everything is great, so where does this bode for the future?

 

This doesn't seem like something she can bury. Even if she stopped for a while the itch would still be there and it doesnt seem to take much to get her panties off, to which she'll just chalk it up as scratching an itch and working on herself.

 

Sally, you are a veneer, a facade, a mirage offering water to slake the thirst and trees shade as security, but as soon as he learns the truth, the apparition will vanish, that sand you offered as water will leave him feeling broken, empty and devoid. Everything he knew was a lie.

 

So work hard on "yourself", maintain the lie and play happy families while you occasionally hump other men.

 

This relationship started as a lie, is a lie and will slowly fade as the facade unravels and you're both facing the harsh heat of the truth. Because the truth always outs, no matter how hard you try to deny or bury it.

[drifter777]

Of course I do. I feel the pain when an animal is is pain, I cry with them and for them. That is why I volunteer at an animal shelter.

I cried for the children and the parents at the recent Sandy Hook killings. I am not a monster.

I cry at night when I think about what I do to my boyfriend and myself. But the more I research it the more I do believe I have a sex addiction. I honestly just can't stop. Just like any addiction it will take time and there will be relapses along the way. But I am working on it and I will beat/control this. I am not a bad person.

 

Right now you are acting like a bad person although it might now be your fault. Read up on "Histrionic Personality Disorder" and see how many of the characteristics fit you. I'm guessing it will be enough that you will want to talk to your counselor about it.

 

Men who are "sex addicts" become obsessed with porn and masturbation as well as casual sex with women. Women rarely get into porn/masturbation to this degree and I think most women who think they have a sex addiction are really undiagnosed histrionics. What they crave is sexual attention from men, and they need treatment for their specific disorder rather than lump it into a sexual addiction.

 

You already know that going "cold turkey" in an attempt to stop having sex with other guys is not going to work in the long run. You've admitted to starting up with some guy but were interrupted before you got down to business. Quitting anything cold turkey is next to impossible and you need to find a support system of some kind to help you keep you pants on.

 

It's probably not the actual sex you need, it's the continual reassurance that you are sexually desirable that has become the drug you cannot live without. You are seeing a counselor - and that's a great start - and I hope you will take this histrionic thing seriously and discuss it with your therapist.

Edited December 20, 2012 by drifter777

[Bryanp]

I am assuming that your previous sexual episodes with other men while betraying your boyfriend did not consist of them using at least a condom. After these sexual episodes you go back to your boyfriend and have sex putting him at risk for STD's. There is no way you can just justify risking his health by not telling him. How can he protect himself if you refuse to be honest with him and put him at great heath risk. You know this is so terribly wrong. Do the right thing and tell him the truth. This is not just about you.

[SupaSexySally]

I am assuming that your previous sexual episodes with other men while betraying your boyfriend did not consist of them using at least a condom.

 

Why would you assume that? I always use protection. Just because I have many partners does not mean I am dirty or that I don't understand the risks. Give me a bit of credit.

[SupaSexySally]

I haven't read through everything completely, but I'm going to give my two cents to you Sally, and the other posters here more than likely will not agree with me.

 

Read up on "Histrionic Personality Disorder"

 

 

Thank you !

[sharsh]

And how long is this supposed therapy by trail and error supposed to take, one, two three years of lying and relapses? What if he proposes, she's certainly not going to tell him then?

 

You are using someone when you're being wholly dishonest with them. People take this so casually but when you cheat with someone you're literally f*cking with someone's life, that's how hard they can take it. This guy is pouring his energy heart and soul into someone but doesn't actually exist. No matter how you dress it up, addiction, lack of conviction whatever, you are lying to him and yourself.

 

It's not addiction, it's fear of being alone and not being validated. She claims to love so much but "switches" off when she's with someone else in a club or on a delivery, but I bet it doesn't happen when they go out together, because she hides it * Deception* Surely all these men would be texting her and calling her, but I'm sure she hides that too *Deception*

When she describes her day and what she did and leaves out details of men visiting her house or her going to men's houses for quickies *Deception*

 

I mean right now she's not even willing to communicate with him about what she's going through, he probably thinks everything is great, so where does this bode for the future?

 

This doesn't seem like something she can bury. Even if she stopped for a while the itch would still be there and it doesnt seem to take much to get her panties off, to which she'll just chalk it up as scratching an itch and working on herself.

 

Sally, you are a veneer, a facade, a mirage offering water to slake the thirst and trees shade as security, but as soon as he learns the truth, the apparition will vanish, that sand you offered as water will leave him feeling broken, empty and devoid. Everything he knew was a lie.

 

So work hard on "yourself", maintain the lie and play happy families while you occasionally hump other men.

 

This relationship started as a lie, is a lie and will slowly fade as the facade unravels and you're both facing the harsh heat of the truth. Because the truth always outs, no matter how hard you try to deny or bury it.

I do understand what you are saying.

 

But I do disagree that it's "not addiction".. You can become addicted to things for the way they make you feel. I did. I think she has too. Don't disregard something because it's never happened to you personally, or you just don't understand it.

I understand it's hard to understand something when you've never been in the situation yourself. A poor example, but like when my mother always talked about quitting smoking, but never quit, I never understand why she couldn't JUST STOP. Now I'm stuck, trying to quit, and I understand why it was so hard.

 

I don't think she's obligated TO talk to him about it. I understand he's in the relationship too, blah blah. But if she can resolve this issue herself, and become what he expects of a girlfriend, and continue on that way (which I think therapy could help her do) then talking about it will only cause further pain on the situation on hers and his parts.

 

If she works hard on it, she can bury it, and never look back. She just has to want it. I was capable of doing it. It's not impossible.

 

And I don't believe in those sayings, the truth always comes out, two can keep a secret if one is dead, etc. Not everything always comes to light.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to argue with you over personal beliefs, that's like beating a dead horse; there's no point. At the end of the day, you're going to believe what you originally did, as am I. I only came here and offered my advice based on what I've been through, and because I knew it would be a different approach then what others were giving her... I don't think there's only "one right way" to do this.

 

I won't be man but I feel it is wrong to make somebody be in a relationship under false pretenses. He thinks he has one kind of relationship when it is something entirely different.

No I DO agree, but I also think that if you can CHANGE your relationship to be what it SHOULD be, and become what he thinks it is (like in my case, I did)... I think that's okay.

[aed]

I do understand what you are saying.

 

But I do disagree that it's "not addiction".. You can become addicted to things for the way they make you feel. I did. I think she has too. Don't disregard something because it's never happened to you personally, or you just don't understand it.

I understand it's hard to understand something when you've never been in the situation yourself. A poor example, but like when my mother always talked about quitting smoking, but never quit, I never understand why she couldn't JUST STOP. Now I'm stuck, trying to quit, and I understand why it was so hard.

 

I don't think she's obligated TO talk to him about it. I understand he's in the relationship too, blah blah. But if she can resolve this issue herself, and become what he expects of a girlfriend, and continue on that way (which I think therapy could help her do) then talking about it will only cause further pain on the situation on hers and his parts.

 

If she works hard on it, she can bury it, and never look back. She just has to want it. I was capable of doing it. It's not impossible.

 

And I don't believe in those sayings, the truth always comes out, two can keep a secret if one is dead, etc. Not everything always comes to light.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to argue with you over personal beliefs, that's like beating a dead horse; there's no point. At the end of the day, you're going to believe what you originally did, as am I. I only came here and offered my advice based on what I've been through, and because I knew it would be a different approach then what others were giving her... I don't think there's only "one right way" to do this.

 

 

No I DO agree, but I also think that if you can CHANGE your relationship to be what it SHOULD be, and become what he thinks it is (like in my case, I did)... I think that's okay.

 

 

I think you are lying to yourself and your bf. Honesty comes first, then trust. When your are not honest their is no reason to trust you. Doing these things is just deciving your bf or do you think he can't find an other gf., when you tell him? I have a bachlor in additction behavour and being open to your loved ones is the most importent thing in recovery. Because they need to set their own boundries, because other wise this thing wil dreck 2 people in the guther.

Edited December 21, 2012 by aed

[aed]

@ sally,

 

I also think judging from what you post you have a problem. I dont know if its a sex addiction. First a sex addiction is not an official medical diagnosis (not reconised in the DSM-IV and won't be coming up in the DSM-V (2013).

Second of all sex addition is mostly about compulsive behavour. Those girls mastrubate 10 times a day, those kind of things. Its not always about cute guys, old fwb and difficulties in setting boundaries. Its a compulsive thing.

 

It's more a behavour problem and that is very hard to change. You can get the sharp edges of it, but it is something you will be strugling for your entire life. Are you up to that?

 

Why don't you look for a great guy that knows about your life style and is ok with it. There are even websites for men and women that get an turn on by your life style.

[Woggle]

I agree that it is an addiction but as long as her addiction is currently affecting others he has the right to make an informed decision on whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with her. If a person is an alcoholic or a drug user and they continue to use their partner has the right to end that relationships and cheating is right up there with that.

[aed]

also when you have professional help with recovering from an ' addiction'

 

First step is 'detoxing'!

 

that means in al casus cold turkey. Our brains set up patrens and when the our brains are exposed again to the 'substance', most of the times the old circuits are being activated again and people experience a relapse.

 

second stap is learning to change your behavour and coping with urges (the longer you resist them, the less fierce those urges become).

 

When you have an abusing problem with substances (like alcohol etc) you are learning lifestyle technics for coping with your problems.

 

When you have personality disorder: you learn how to change your behour and no therapist will advise you to slow the cheating down.

 

So in both casus when you truely want to change you have a hard way to go. And you need support from your lovedones and those people who are close to you. But they need to know what your problem is or else they cant support you in your healing proces!

[SupaSexySally]

Well it's been 2 weeks now seeing my counselor and I feel we are making progress. I have learnt a lot about myself, some things that I didn't really want to know but it is all for the best.

I know 2 weeks is a very short period of time so I probably shouldn't consider this a milestone but I have not been with anyone in the 2 weeks. I almost feel ashamed calling this a milestone because it is such a short period of time but my counselor says that every step counts. I have focused more on my relationship with my boyfriend and less on what I want personally and I have not even given a thought to being with someone else.

I did go to a nightclub with my girls a few days ago and I had guys hitting on me and for the first time I can remember I just wasn't interested, I really wasn't, all I wanted to do was dance and then go home to my boyfriend. I don't know where this change has come from and how it happened so fast but this is who I want to be and I hope I can make this the real me forever.

Unfortunately now I have hit a bit of a hurdle. My counselor tells me that she can't help me anymore unless I tell my boyfriend. I really can't do that, I know the consensus here is that I should so I know that is the advice that I will get but I just don't see how she can refuse to help me when it is all going so good just because she thinks I should tell him, do my thoughts on the matter not enter into it? I mean sure she can advise me to tell him but to demand I tell him or she wont help cannot be right?

My boyfriend is away visiting relatives for a week and I have 2 more sessions in that time. I really hope she reconsiders because I think we are working well together. If she doesn't I still don't think I can tell him and then she wont counsel me and I fear that I may slip back. I have learnt what some of my triggers are and how to battle them but I don't think I am anywhere hear ready to go it alone.

[salparadise]

If I were you I'd look for another counselor. I don't think it's right that she demand this of you. In fact, if you tell him and he dumps you then you're right back to being single and have lost the very thing that's motivating you to change. Are you being treated for sex addiction or has she not made a specific diagnosis? Perhaps she knows whereof she speaks though.

[SupaSexySally]

If I were you I'd look for another counselor. I don't think it's right that she demand this of you.

 

I have probably overstated what she said. She said if I didn't tell him she couldn't help me anymore, not that she wouldn't want to but that telling him was needed as part of the process. I asked about the process but she was very vague when explaining it. She is a counselor from a church (I am non religious) and I feel that she wants me to tell because SHE believes it is the right thing to do rather than allowing me to make my own decisions on what I believe is best for me. She has opened my eyes and I do like the changes that I have seen in myself but telling my boyfriend seems to be a huge sticking point.

 

In fact, if you tell him and he dumps you then you're right back to being single and have lost the very thing that's motivating you to change.

 

That is my biggest fear and I have expressed that. I just keep getting told I must do what is right. Sometimes I feel like I am getting lectured rather than working through some issues I have together.

But I can't change again. I can't start at the beginning again. It's all getting too much and too hard.

 

Are you being treated for sex addiction or has she not made a specific diagnosis? Perhaps she knows whereof she speaks though.

 

I have not been told of anything specific. But I have been told that she has been workshopping my issues with another counselor that specialises in this type of behaviour although there was no mention of exactly what 'this behaviour' was.

It doesn't sound too professional does it?

Maybe I need to give it one last try with someone new before I give up and just accept who I am and that I cannot change.

[coffeebean201]

you are inspiring

 

I hope this bump in the road..... with the counsellor you like...... gets sorted out.

 

Either way, maybe time to develop a back up plan with another counsellor, because you seem to appreciate their support and efforts.

 

Thank you for being so honest about what the reality of it is. I've had some friends that struggle with this, and I never quite understood what exactly they were struggling with. Now I know and better appreciate...

[salparadise]

I have probably overstated what she said. She said if I didn't tell him she couldn't help me anymore, not that she wouldn't want to but that telling him was needed as part of the process. I asked about the process but she was very vague when explaining it. She is a counselor from a church (I am non religious) and I feel that she wants me to tell because SHE believes it is the right thing to do rather than allowing me to make my own decisions on what I believe is best for me. She has opened my eyes and I do like the changes that I have seen in myself but telling my boyfriend seems to be a huge sticking point.

 

Is she credentialed? What's right from the perspective of her religious beliefs, or those of whatever denomination she represents, could be at odds with what is right for you in terms of psychological treatment. If I were you, I'd parse this distinction with her at the next session. Ask her point blank if she is following a scientific or religious protocol, or if this is based on her personal beliefs as to what is necessary (careful to use neutral tone). If she is not credentialed, or if this is based in religious or personal beliefs... anything other than valid psychological treatment, I'd seek out a professional with no other agenda than your successful recovery. And I'd insist on a licensed clinical psychologist (LCP) with specific training and experience in this problem.

 

 

That is my biggest fear and I have expressed that. I just keep getting told I must do what is right. Sometimes I feel like I am getting lectured rather than working through some issues I have together.

But I can't change again. I can't start at the beginning again. It's all getting too much and too hard.

 

Not sure what you're saying here... if you change to a different counselor/psychologist you wouldn't have to start from the beginning, but you would have to spend some time relating what has transpired and building trust with the new person. You could have the notes from the current person transferred. Just make sure you don't have a gap while switching, and maintain your focus so as not to relapse.

 

When you say "it's all getting too much and too hard" do you mean the treatment or the withdrawal?

 

In therapy, progress is often traumatic. You're dealing with your demons and bringing painful stuff to the surface that has been obscured by your defense mechanisms. It's not unusual to exit a session where significant progress was made feeling almost too exhausted to drive home. Pain is good when it represents progress. Hang in there––this is for you, and about you, not the counselor.

 

 

I have not been told of anything specific. But I have been told that she has been workshopping my issues with another counselor that specialises in this type of behaviour although there was no mention of exactly what 'this behaviour' was.

It doesn't sound too professional does it?

Maybe I need to give it one last try with someone new before I give up and just accept who I am and that I cannot change.

 

I wouldn't say that it's unprofessional for her to collaborate or seek guidance from someone with specialized knowledge. In fact, I think it's good. Of course this goes back to the earlier question of protocol vs. belief systems. Perhaps the person she is collaborating with is qualified to become the new counselor?

 

Re: your last sentence... please don't think of it this way. This is not who you are, and you most certainly can change. It's just that change is hard and requires commitment, fortitude, and hard work. You're into the process so don't even think about giving up just because you've come to a crossroads with this counselor!

 

I am suspecting this is addiction and not a personality disorder as someone posited. The fact that you are proactive, introspective, remorseful, and able to cope with the stress of treatment are excellent indicators. Be resolute! You really do not want to go through life having no control.

[Vercetti]

Long time ago broke up with a girl that was much like you. If your boyfriend is not picking up on the red flags its only a matter of time cause regardless how good your facade might be there will be a void in the relationship.

 

My ex thought she was all liberated big girl independent...currently she has three kids from three men and not sure who the dad of any is, she was married husband wasn't the dad of any and she was cheating on him eventually he got deported, now she is hooked up with some other guy that she is also cheating on, she has tried to get me involved in an affair many times over the years, most of her friends are collage age but not in collage, she spends far to much time in bars and clubs, she lives in a rat-hole apartment and doesn't even have basic furniture.

 

These sort of behavior cycles can turn out really destructive ( even if you don't get STDs or pregnant ). You don't want to end up the bullet solid men dodge.

[Charlie Harper]

I can relate perfectly with your pain OP, because I have been there, only I am a man. Basically I fixed it with 2 things: Time - maturity and counseling.

 

Took me 6 years... It was hard, because the rewards of having almost anyone is way too EGO boosting to let go, so in a very real way is an addiction to a drug.

 

Is it worth the work and effort SURE.

 

I would not tell him now, maybe later when you can really be with yourself and dont relapse. In my life I let down some really great People because I was too selfish and stupid, you may also need to face this and lose some great friends and lovers because of this.

 

Believe me its worth it... and life is more enjoyable.

[Keenly]

This poor, poor man....

[NoMagicBullet]

Sally, if your counselor has decent credentials, there is likely a reason beyond religious views that she says you need to tell your boyfriend. I suspect it has to with practicing being honest with others, being honest with yourself, and accepting the responsibility and consequences of your actions.

 

I hesitate to use the word "addiction", but I do think you've developed a habit: a habit of practicing casual sex and justifying it with flimsy excuses while you were single. I think you used being single as an excuse to avoid personal responsibility for what you were doing, likely dismissing it as "Oh, this is just what people do when they're single." No, it's what YOU did while you were single. During those years it just got easier and easier, and now it's become a habit that's hard to break. Your so-called friends accepted and even encouraged it.

 

Now you've found out the hard way that people don't change overnight when a good person comes along -- a good person can't change you for the better, only you can do that. It's hard work and you have to want to do it for yourself, not just for them. Still, you have accepted the challenge and are doing the work, so kudos for that.

 

You may not want to end your friendships, but that will have to happen. You can't move forward with people who would let you slip back to your old ways. You have to do more than counseling, you have to change your lifestyle, activities, and people you associate with if you want to make this work. You need a new set of better friends.

 

And tell your boyfriend. Part of this process is taking facing up to the full consequences of your actions, whatever they may be, which you haven't done yet. If things end with your bf, continue the counseling and making changes. It is HARD, but it will get better if you stick with it.

Edited December 31, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
clarification, punctuation

[SupaSexySally]

Everything has blown up in my face, I feel worthless, I have lost my best friend, I have lost the love of my life, I have nothing left.

My so called best friend told my boyfriend everything. He refuses to speak to me, he came around and got his stuff and left and I had no idea what was going on. I rang my best friend and she admitted she told him because she wanted the old Sally back. Stupid bitch.

He wont answer my calls, he wont text, he wont answer the door. I haven't even had an opportunity to explain. I feel so sick, I don't think I can live without him. I hate my life.

No point going to the counselor anymore, there is nothing left to fight for. I only have myself to blame, just a stupid slut that can't commit.

I'm sure most here will be happy, well good for you because I am ruined. I will make sure my EX best friend pays for this.

[Darren Steez]

It's blown up in YOUR face, YOU, YOU, YOu!

 

I'm not happy that this happened at all, but what about your boyfriend?

 

THIS IS THE CONSEQUENCE OF DISHONESTY

 

You justified all the reasons for not telling him but the man had a right to know. Had you gone to him yourself, told him then together try to work it out (if he wanted you might have stood a chance)

 

Think of it this way, you're with somebody, you trust them utterly and completely and you find out they've been screwing around behind your back, not once, not twice but many, many times, suddenly everything becomes a lie, all the words, every touch, even though to you you might have felt it and believed it but to the betrayed their world crashes and nothing can be taken at face value.

 

If you love him, I mean the love you're professing to have for him then continue with therapy and continue working on yourself, because if this is indeed a problem then it's going to happen with the next man you're with.

 

Everything is out in the open. Your friend did you a favor, now be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. See this as an opportunity to start from scratch.

 

Good luck to you.

[Bryanp]

This ex girlfriend of yousr is a real piece of work. She clearly was jealous of you being in a loving committed relationship. I think maybe your counselor felt this could have been a consequence of not being honest with him.

 

My suggestion would be:

1. Write a letter to him explaining everything to do him.

2. Better yet make a video of you talking to him so he see the sincerity.

 

You must realize he is in total shock. Everything he has believed in turned out to be a lie. He feels like a fool and that you never loved him at all. I am not saying this is true but this is what he is feeling. If the roles were reversed you would be feeling the same way. Right now he is trying to protect himself. Give him time to process this. Continue to go to the counselor. It is your main hope. We are pulling for you.

[naviis]

No point going to the counselor anymore, there is nothing left to fight for. I only have myself to blame, just a stupid slut that can't commit.

 

Yes, there is a point! You have yourself to fight for. I mean don't get me wrong, you've been pretty selfish in handling things so far but getting better should be motivated by you, by wanting to be a better person who can be happy and not hurt the people she loves.

 

I'm sure most here will be happy, well good for you because I am ruined. I will make sure my EX best friend pays for this.

 

Don't bother. She wanted the old Sally back, well she's lost her. And clearly, she was never your friend.

 

All the best during this tough time

[Charlie Harper]

I have been there because I was selfish and lied to people. You may be rock bottom, but being on the bottom th e only way is up. Change counselors, and find out why you secretly sabotaged your relationship.

My condolences because I know what it feels like, but as foolish at it may sound, there are plenty of fish on the ocean, and prepare yourself for when a good one appears down the road.

Ah! I almost forgot, your so called best friend its NOT, get as away from her as you can....