is it normal?

[Bobby Dygytul]

I was just wondering something, Is it normal for someone to ditch all of their friends when they fall in love? I have a best friend with whom i have known for over 10 years. Me and him have been best friends for over 10 years. We also have other really good friends that we hungout with often. We all have been through everything together. He got married right after high school and was married for 6 years. We still hung out often (drank beer and watched football, etc.). Within the last year, him and his wife got devorced. Like 2 months after the devorce, he started seeing someone new. That was like 6 or 7 months ago. Well, now he doesn't ever hangout or talk with any of his friends any more. He stopped drinking all together, lost like 60lbs, and has a whole new attitude. His GF is now pregnet with his kid, and they are now engaged. She is really possessive over him and doesn't like him seeing any of his friends. In the last 6 months, i probably talked to him like 2 times. I asked him why he doesn't hangout with his friends anymore, but he just says that he is too busy. Why does she not want him to see his friends? Why would someone ditch all of their friends, over a GF? I have no problem with his new gf, im actually very happy for him, but at least he can remember his friends. Is this normal? All of our other friends that we hang out with all have GF's or is married also but they still come around often. They all ask me all the time what happened to him.

 

Juss wondering........

 

~Bobby Dygytul~

[Tony T]

What a great question!!!

 

This has always plagued me as well. It has been my experience that females do this more often than males, although I am not aware of any concrete research on the subject.

 

Right from the git-go, romance will win out over friendship any day of the week. The abundance of chemicals secreted in the brain during the initial period of a romantic escapade are overpowering and totally consuming. The two people want to spend almost every possible moment with each other. There is little or no thought about anyone else. I think this probably has something to do with nature's very strong desire for humans to reproduce that by causing this chemical obsession, reproduction is almost assured. In your friend's case, it sounds like it did.

 

Many people have been deeply hurt by the loss of friends of the same sex and opposite sex by this type of circumstance. You get used to it. You just have to understand that your friend has moved on, at least temporarilly, to another stage in his life where you do not fit in well to the scenario.

 

Now, there are a lot of people who don't react this way and do keep in touch with their friends. It is very seldom that the friendship contact is retained at its former intensity, but effort is made to nurture those friendships to some degree. It seems you have an abundance of friends who became paired up and are still part of your active friendship circle...and that's great.

 

You also have to understand that friendships do have a shelf life. True, strong, forever friendships even change in context over time. In the very best and closest of bonds, friends get married, become preoccupied with children, money, work, etc., move away to other cities, divorce, remarry, etc. Friendships change just like all other relationships and we have to be open to that. Very few of us have essentially the same friendship circle at age 30 that we had at age 18. Even fewer have the same friends at 21 that they had at age 15. Things just don't stay the same.

 

Some people value friendships a lot more than others. Your friend may consider you a good friend but he doesn't place enough importance on it to give you a call or hang out once in a while. Could be his lady wants him away from the gang that chased women together a few years back. Who knows what goes on in people's heads?

 

The best thing you can do is just resolve yourself to all kinds of change. People are ruled by whims, emotions, their backgrounds, their needs, etc. Some friends will only be situational. Move out of their neighborhood and you'll never hear from them again. Some will be very close in nature and you will have contact for a lifetime.

 

That's the way it works. I had nothing to do with planning it out.

 

The friend you speak of may come back into the fold one day...but chances are great that while he is away he will network new friends, new activity circles, etc. When the baby comes, you can bet he and his lady will spend lots of time with couples who have young children and are part of the parenting scene.

 

I've seen all this way too many times.

[sparkle]

Bobby,

 

She could have him wrapped around her finger.

 

Whipped.

 

I've seen this occur with a few friends of mine.

 

You stated that she seemed possessive. She probably is. You said that she doesn't want him to hang out with any of his friends. She's probably insecure/ doesn't trust him completely, she might think that if he hangs out with his friends, that he may mess around, or that he won't want to be with her.

 

Whatever the reason may be, he's willing to drop everything to be with her. But when you ask him why he doesn't hang out, he says he's 'too busy'. Him being a male, I doubt he'd tell his guy friends that "oh my gf doesn't want me going out with the boys"; he'd rather just say "he's too busy".

 

Give it time, things may change. If it's bothering you, you could talk to him about it, or even talk to her and ask them to hang out with you, have the both of them do something together. Maybe if she sees how you are, and you build a friendship with her, she may feel more comfortable with you and let him see you more in the future.

[Deejette]

Tony is right, it seems to happen more with girls even than with guys. I have several girlfriends who disappear when they are in a relationship with a man and only reappear after they have broken up (to hang out with their girlfriends). But I and my other friends know we are second choice to some guy and that these girls will ditch us again as soon as a new guy appears in their life.

 

These girls are not really good friends and I have a slight disgust for them. One of the problems with this kind of behavior is that the clingy, "you are the center of my world" kind of behavior usually drives the guy away in time anyway. And the girls are once again alone, until they find someone else to spend all their time with.

Bobby, She could have him wrapped around her finger.

 

Whipped. I've seen this occur with a few friends of mine. You stated that she seemed possessive. She probably is. You said that she doesn't want him to hang out with any of his friends. She's probably insecure/ doesn't trust him completely, she might think that if he hangs out with his friends, that he may mess around, or that he won't want to be with her. Whatever the reason may be, he's willing to drop everything to be with her. But when you ask him why he doesn't hang out, he says he's 'too busy'. Him being a male, I doubt he'd tell his guy friends that "oh my gf doesn't want me going out with the boys"; he'd rather just say "he's too busy". Give it time, things may change. If it's bothering you, you could talk to him about it, or even talk to her and ask them to hang out with you, have the both of them do something together. Maybe if she sees how you are, and you build a friendship with her, she may feel more comfortable with you and let him see you more in the future.