how to gain the upper hand with an ex

[tuxedo cat]

This isn't a way of winning your ex back, but empowering yourself and moving on. Also it's fun. And why not have a little fun at the expense of someone who's treated you heartlessly?

 

It may not be possible depending on whether you're in any form of contact and how ugly the breakup was, but I'm a firm believer that the one who has the upper hand the last time you speak has the easiest time moving on.

 

Like it or not breakups are all about power. People cause themselves a lot of suffering and slow down their healing by behaving in ways during the breakup that make them feel disempowered and humiliated. The easiest way to gain the upper hand is to stop contacting your ex and wait for them to contact you.

 

Before tonight the last time I spoke to my ex he clearly had the upper hand. He was the one who ended our conversation. I decided that I would no longer initiate contact with him. I knew if I didn't, I'd hear from him eventually.

 

It didn't take long. He texted me tonight: "thinking about you."

 

I wrote back: "strange, I was just reading something that reminded me of you."

 

(I knew this would get a response since he would wonder what it was.)

 

He called me immediately. I was chilly on the phone. Before hanging up I mentioned I had gotten a new haircut and asked him if he wanted to see a picture.

 

(I knew that seeing a picture of me looking happy would get to him.)

 

He sounded eager and told me he was "excited" to see it. I told him I'd email it to him. I waited about an hour and sent him an email with the picture attached. He shot me back an email telling me I looked beautiful and then texted me the same.

 

I wrote back a flippant response: "yeah it came out well! thanks."

 

He sent me a long text back that he was going to email me a song that reminded him of me. I simply wrote: "OK."

 

He then called me and insisted I put the song on so we could listen to it together. We did, and I let the conversation go on for a few more minutes before saying abruptly, "Anyway, I need to get back to work, I'll let you go..." He said, "Aw, I don't want to get off. I really miss you." I told him it had been nice chatting but I really had to go. After I hung up he texted me ":)" to which I didn't respond.

 

Just a few days ago I was the one crying and begging him not to hang up the phone again. Now I feel renewed.

I highly recommend flipping the script like this on your ex if you get the chance.

[Mumbles]

Yeah, I don't know about this.

 

Whats your strategy here? Are you doing this as some sort of weird flirt with the ultimate hope of getting ex back?

 

When I first split from my wife several years ago now I would have agreed with your statement about it being "all about power"

 

I thought about humiliation and basically begging, but my wife knew me better then that and its just not me. Be yourself, be strong, and if ever there was a time to not play games this is probably the time.

[Cutiepie1976]

Sorry, but your life still revolves around him and trying to engage him. It's really no different than any other maneuver some take to re-engage the person who left. His reaction still has the ability to make or break your day. Yours does not. By your definition, he has all the power.

 

When you stop seeing everything with this ex as a power play (which quite frankly is a little unhealthy), when you no longer care what he might be doing, then you will have regained your life back.

[Pinkbutterflybarbie]

Wow some people on here are so stuck up. I agree with the original power, I love that feeling of empowerment when you're so sick of being the one sobbing outside work for them to take you back. I don't care about playing games because he didn't care when he was playing them with me and dangling me on a string. I'm very blasé about my situation now and if I can make him feel just a fraction as anxious as he made me that will do for me. If he doesn't contact me then I won't be saying anything so we'll continue in silence.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, I don't know what you're trying at either... I mean, if you sent him a pic of your new haircut while you were sitting on some dudes lap....okay.

 

I wouldn't have agreed with it....but that would have been funny as hell.

[Mumbles]

Wow some people on here are so stuck up. I agree with the original power, I love that feeling of empowerment when you're so sick of being the one sobbing outside work for them to take you back. I don't care about playing games because he didn't care when he was playing them with me and dangling me on a string.

 

But surely this way of thinking has to be revenge?

 

When you're hurting, causing pain to those around you can seem justified, but I agree with some of the posts above - one can't get past the ex and the old relationship until one lets go of who owes what to whom and who is causing whom the most pain and anguish.

[Cutiepie1976]

Wow some people on here are so stuck up. I agree with the original power, I love that feeling of empowerment when you're so sick of being the one sobbing outside work for them to take you back. I don't care about playing games because he didn't care when he was playing them with me and dangling me on a string. I'm very blasé about my situation now and if I can make him feel just a fraction as anxious as he made me that will do for me. If he doesn't contact me then I won't be saying anything so we'll continue in silence.

 

Revenge? Bitterness? Anger? Trying to punish an ex? Seriously, that's like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies! Feels great in the moment when you're trying to spite him, but you're the only person who suffers.

 

Ditto for trying to play these mind games to keep your ex engaged and "anxious." He broke up with you and is moving on, no matter what you think. The sooner you can forgive, let go, and focus on healing yourself, the better your chances of finding happiness. You will be stuck in limbo and fundamentally unhappy until you can let go and live your life without regard to his reactions.

 

It may seem like a harsh perspective, and that reality might not be to your liking in your current frame of mind. Someday, hopefully soon, you'll wake up and realize that focusing on healing you is a far better, more productive option than wasting your time attempting to punish someone who is no longer in your life, no longer matters...and no longer really cares.

 

All the best in your path to recovery.

[Mr Scorpio]

If this "method" worked to bring the OP some piece of mind, then I'm glad for her. As a firm-believer in NC, I consider trying to gain an upper-hand to be a futile effort. If a person did you wrong, then they don't deserve the time it takes you to think about it. If you're hurting, trying to hurt them back probably won't help in the long run.

 

Beyond that, IMO coping is an exercise in detatchment. People experience pain because their relationship has ended and their lives have changed. The only way to regain yourself is to let go.

[Sugarkane]

I wouldn't bother, when you can spend more time worrying about yourself. They like to turn everything around on you and blame you 100%. Why can't dumpers be polite?! And you don't get the last word anyway.

[Droplet]

That's what I have been doing for the last two months : not contact her, act aloof when she contacts me ( or ignore it altogether ) and cut the conversation short when it seems to gain some momentum.

 

The only thing it did was that she started contacting me all the time which is a huge pain in the ass because her missing me =/= her wanting to be with me.

 

I had to eventually tell her that I don't plan on being her friend when she asked me why I was so cold at times. Now I haven't heard from her in three weeks at all and I'm really sad again.

 

Don't play games with your exes. When they work you get your hopes up.

However, if it appears that she just wants to have a connection with you but not the relationship that goes with it, when she wants you to be vulnerable but isn't willing to show any genuine vulnerability herself ( typing "I miss you" is really easy, meaning it and behaving accordingly is a very different thing altogether ) then you suddenly realize that you've just wasted precious time into something that goes nowhere instead of working on yourself.

 

Stick to no contact if your goal is to heal.

[Cali408]

The best way to get upper hand is no contact. This drives them crazy. Don't have anything to do with them. You then win. I think about calling an ex every day. But I broke it off and have the upper hand. My ego won't let me. And though I still love her, know she's not right for me.