Lost, stay or leave DH

[PHX0215]

I really don't know where to start because I don't know what plays a part in my current situation and doesn't.

 

Here is a little background:

 

Started dating my DH at 16 got married at 23 once I had finished both my BS and MA degrees. DH was kicked out of college for lack of progress. We never dated anyone else just always were together but also very independent. We never lived together before we got married either. DH from extremely conservative family.

 

The first 5 years of our marriage were just trying to get by financially. DH never was taught how to manage money so I had to clean up alot of debt. At the 1 year mark we relocated to anther state to be back closer to friends and a job opportunity I had. During this time I put alot of pressure on DH to start to figure out what he wanted with his life (career wise). He always had a career path in mind so I researched and we made decision that for us long term for him to pursue it. This meant DH would have to move out of state for what we thought would be a year tops for school. I had also switched jobs again and we had a home so DH moved but one year turned into 2. During this time I supported us financially both home and his expenses in school.

My career was doing great an DH seemed to be getting his life together.

DH finished school and was back home and working in his new field but it did require him to be away a lot (upto weeks at a time).

 

During DH and I's 5th year of marriage I started having an affair with a coworker. Never thought I could ever do anything like that. It was someone that I was great friends with, he would help me with "guy" things since DH gone alot. He was happily married, kids and it was literally a friend with benefits type thing. We never ever discussed a future we both knew that's not what it was. Over time strong feelings developed but knew never more than what it was. I got a promotion to another state not long after it started but we kept up a long distance emotional relationship, friendship, and lovers here and there. This went on for another 5 years (so DH and I been married 10 years).

 

During that time DH career progressed (but not financially) now gone typically about 3-4 days per week. DH and i had a child during our 7th year of marriage. DH is a wonderful father and I know loves me very much. I also received another promotion so another out of state move happened. DH always support of my career and willing to move for my career as I am the one that primarily supports us.

 

About a year ago I started down the same path with another affair with a co-worker. I thought hey this is a lot like last time, friends, he is married also we just our meeting needs I guess not getting at home. DH and for all accounts seemed happy. We had our routine down. I was home with our little one and working 50+ hours a week advancing my career. We had a nice home, cars, two vacations a year, support our child with activities they wanted.

But then I feel completely in love with this other man. I started retracting from stuff with DH, excuses on why no vacation just the two of us. When he was home from business trips I would make excuses of needing to work, or errands to run. Our phone calls and texting while on his trips became less and less. He would ask all ok? I would just reassure yes jut busy. Work stressful, etc.

I started really questioning my marriage in April and started seeing a therapist but all I came up with was DH didn't help out enough. I felt like I did everything, work, child care provider, bill payer, took cars of home, cars, everything. Also during this time MM also started talking about us having a future (rule #1 broken in an EA). I took the hook and here I am.

 

I blew up at DH after a non-related argument and told him I wasn't happy and I didn't think I loved him the way I should. That I wasn't sure I wanted to be married any longer. Lets just say DH first reaction was how am I going to support myself. Of course after settling down he said he wanted to work on saving out marriage. I agreed to go to his therapist and we are now separated. We are switching off at the house when he is away for work I'm there with our child and when he is home I am letting him stay. I have an appointment with an attorney on Wednesday.

 

MM is furious with me says I screwed all up with changing what we had. I just got to a point where I felt like I was living a lie. I honestly can't imagine not being with MM. I know he isn't going to leave his wife. But I think if I know I can't walk away from him my DH deserves to have someone that hasn't lived a lie for more than half of our marriage.

I have tried really looking at what caused me to get into these other relationships and I don't know. Yes DH and i have been happy but if something wasn't missing would I have found myself In the affair(s) I am?

 

I don't know what to do. MM putting pressure on me to make a decision. Says he doesn't care what I decide but his feelings are on limbo. I miss being away from my child but don't miss my DH that much. We are communicating well with regards to our child. DH therapist is having DH handle all at the house, bills, etc thinking this will make me see DH can grow up and take some responsibility. But I just don't have the feelings of love for him like a wife should have. But until MM I never would have ever thought of leaving DH.

 

As you can imagine there are other issues in our marriage but tried to highlight the major ones. His parents I can't stand and they don't like me. DH has never moved to an adult - adult relationship with them. DH works the minimum he had to for his job to get insurance covered and just always knows I will make sure all bills are paid. One his days off he just sits at home and will only do what I have specifically asked him to do. Half the time the babysitter still handles our child even if he is home. I just feel like I am around to make sure he has an easy life. He wants to work on marriage but I really don't know.

 

I am not looking for someone tell me what a horrible person I am for having EAs. I want others insight on my current situation with DH. Only person that knows a partial part of this story is my therapist. And he just say I have to make a decision on what I want.

 

I am so lost and confused. If I go back with DH, I know I have to leave MM and honestly I don't know that I won't find myself in the same situation again in the future. If I leave DH, I know MM will only be there when convenient.

 

I would like a third party unbiased (non-jusgemental) opinion on my situation.

 

I hope you could follow along. Feel free to ask questions.

[Artie Lang]

sounds like you're a "serial" cheater.

 

you said it yourself- "I don't know that I won't find myself in the same situation again in the future."

[whichwayisup]

you need to come clean with your husband and tell him about (both) affairs you've had, especially the on going one.

 

Go from there. Your H deserves to know the truth so he can make an informed decision to stay and give you another chance to make the marriage work, or divorce.

[TigerCub]

If you've always felt that something is missing - it has led you to 2 affairs and the possibility of even more - you've had 10 years to try and fix this marriage but you didn't - so why add more years to that kind of dysfunction?

 

Your H does deserve to be set free to find someone that will be happy and fulfilled with what he has to offer.

 

You also owe it to yourself to look at what you're missing (within yourself) and in your relationships and figure out how you can have a healthy relationship in the future.

 

Don't stay with your husband just because its comfortable and your MM won't leave his wife - that will not fix anything and it will only add more hurt to everyone involved.

[BetrayedH]

Your marriage fell apart because you didn't take care of it. That amount of time apart creates emotional distance. Combine this with your emotional investment in other men and I'm sorry, but this isn't your husband's fault. The grass is not greener on the other side; it is greener where you water it.

 

You have no future with your MM. Keep reading and you'll see he is just like the rest. You have fouled up his cake eating and he doesn't want anything to change. That relationship is a disaster for you. You need to start making decisions with your head instead of your emotions.

 

Leave the MM and go NC with him.

 

Rededicate yourself to your marriage. This means no more distance bull****. It means coming completely clean with him; he deserves that level of respect from you. It means both feet into marriage counseling for the foreseeable future.

 

Not intended to be harsh but to be the objective third party feedback you requested. You have gone pretty far into the rabbit hole. Instead of digging yourself deeper; start digging your way out. Acknowledge your mistakes and make a legitimate effort to live up to your commitment. You're about to throw away your marriage for nothing.

[Tenacity]

You want an opinion different than what your therapist told you? Why did you doubt him/her?

 

You are a serial cheater. You don't deal with your issues in any kind of respectable way. You have CHOSEN to deal with your problems by cheating on your H - multiple times. and you come on here and say you don't want that to be part of any response to you? Do you expect that people here will make stuff up for you? ESPECIALLY people here?

 

Let him go so he can find someone else who won't screw around on him instead of working on what was wrong.

[2sunny]

You aren't digging deep enough with yourself to find what's broken inside you that makes you think cheating is your solution.

 

Get honest.

 

Who's the father (bio) of your child?

 

You need to be with no men to find yourself! NO men!

 

Quit thinking they define you - they don't!

[MourningLosses]

Tenacity that's a great speech but why didn't you say that to YOUR MM? I sometimes think you post like you are really a BS, you try to take the moral high ground. I made the same calculation you did and did not tell him to go fix his marriage, instead I wanted to know what was going on in it both because I loved him and because I wanted to gauge my chances. At least I admit that. I think you weren't a MW at tw time of your affair, is that why you think you were less to blame than the OP or me?

 

Everything you've said about her you could say about me or any MW or MM in an affair. I haven't worked on my marriage because I don't get enough out of it. I guess many MMs are the same. It not worth leaving and its not worth trying. Life is not black and white.

[Tenacity]

Tenacity that's a great speech but why didn't you say that to YOUR MM? I sometimes think you post like you are really a BS, you try to take the moral high ground. I made the same calculation you did and did not tell him to go fix his marriage, instead I wanted to know what was going on in it both because I loved him and because I wanted to gauge my chances. At least I admit that. I think you weren't a MW at tw time of your affair, is that why you think you were less to blame than the OP or me?

 

Everything you've said about her you could say about me or any MW or MM in an affair. I haven't worked on my marriage because I don't get enough out of it. I guess many MMs are the same. It not worth leaving and its not worth trying. Life is not black and white.

 

You think that I think that I am "less to blame" for some reason? From where did you arrive at that? I have had plenty of years to say that and more to my ex-MM.

 

Have you read any of my posts at all? Nowhere did I say I was "less to blame". Why am I being attacked on a thread that I only replied to?

 

You don't known anything about me. Read the posts on "to OW seeking permanent no contact from MOM" from Pierre if you want the short version on me.

 

No, I am not the 'typical' OW.

[2sunny]

Reading your prior threads... This guy bumps you down every time you have expectations from him.

 

Then the push - pull begins. You pull away after he pushes you back - then he sweet talks you with empty promises that mean nothing.

 

He's a blatant user and a liar!

 

You need counseling.

 

You need to be on your own - so you can find value in yourself without depending on any man for your happiness.

 

Your husband deserves a wife who will value and respect him - that's not you - divorce him.

[frozensprouts]

OP

here are some thoughts for you...they may be way off the mark, and if they are, I apologize...

 

it almost sounds like your husband and you had almost a "parent/child" relationship dynamic...he was always taken care of by his parents, and in your marriage, you started to fill that role. You took on all the responsibilities so he never had to.( not saying you did this maliciously or with any kind of ill intent, it may have just been the path of least resistance)...

 

in effect, you became "mommy" and not "wife"...do you think this may have been what happened?

 

what was different in the "emotional side' of your affairs? did the men have a different personality type? is that part of what attracted you to them?

 

if so, my best advice to you would be to tell your husband the truth about what has gone on, and then decide together if you want to reconcile, divorce or have an open marriage where you have any needs that he doesn't meet met with someone else.

 

If you decide to reconcile, it's not going to be an easy road to travel. He's going to be very hurt and angry with you ( as he should be), and it sounds like you both are going to have to make some very serious changes to your fundamental personalities...you'll have to learn to trust him with some of the responsibilities in your life and marriage, and you'll have to learn to find other problem solving methods than cheating on your spouse. He's going to have to learn to forgive you, learn how to be more responsible in your marriage and how to help out more and do his share in general.

 

I'm not trying to deter you...if it's what you really want, you can do it, but it's going to be hard and require a huge commitment on both your parts...

 

if you decide that divorce is your better option ( and it may very well be) then that's also going to be a difficult road, but , again you've got to decide if it's what's right for you

 

if you do decide to reconcile, I can't recommend it enough that you be honest with him about your infidelity...he deserves to know, and if you want to try and start things off with a clean slate, it's going to be pretty hard to do that with that sort of "elephant in the room"...

 

when all is said and done, what do YOU want? Continuing the status quo isn't good for him, you or your kids, so what will your next step be? What is the best for everyone involved? It may come down to choosing the lesser of two evils...

[2sunny]

Have you had a paternity test done?

[Pierre]

I am so lost and confused. If I go back with DH, I know I have to leave MM and honestly I don't know that I won't find myself in the same situation again in the future. If I leave DH, I know MM will only be there when convenient.

 

I would like a third party unbiased (non-jusgemental) opinion on my situation.

 

I hope you could follow along. Feel free to ask questions.

 

You are a very unhappy woman. I feel sorry for your situation.

 

Your H cannot make you happy all the time. No person in the world can make the spouse happy 24/7. And that is why you are a serial cheater. You are seeking happiness.

 

The only solution to your ordeal is to leave your H. As many have said he deserves an honest wife with integrity. I understand you H is not perfect, but as spouses go your imperfections are much greater. Been laid back is not as bad as being a philanderer.

 

I don't think you are a bad person at all. I simply believe you are a very unhappy woman in search of happiness. Unfortunately, you have no clue about how to be happy.

 

Please make sure you divorce your H right away.

 

Do not become the full time concubine of this MOM. Believe it or not the MOM is a POS next to your H (despite all his faults).

[Realist3]

PHX0215,

 

From this side of the screen reading your story makes me think you should just file for divorce. Your heart is not in your marriage, and given your history I doubt it ever will be no matter how many counseling sessions you and your H attend.

 

Disclosure of your A's is up to you. If you are divorcing anyway, I don't see the purpose.

 

In terms of the MM, you can't make your decisions based on what he wants. The relationship may continue, but he knows you will likely find someone else who can give you all of their time whould you divorce.

 

You are not happy, and continuing down the same broken path will lead to the same unhappiness. Decide what is best for you and your child and do it. Follow through. Best of luck.