Hurting, judged, and feeling alone. (The OW)

[promises]

I'm not sure where to go for understanding. Everyone who knows either blames me for getting involved with a MM, or they side with me and blame him and call him all sorts of things.

 

The truth is, I love him, loved him. He loved me. And after confessing to his wife that he was in love with me, she very systematically and quickly tore apart my world and his, in less than a few days- I had lost my job and he as well. By the third day, He was a ball of putty on my floor and missing his kids. I was sick, literally from the events that had just passed. It was hell.

 

He left that day and said he was going back to her. I didn't speak to him for a month. It was absolute hell. Contact happened on his end to mine and I have since seen him twice. Both instances, difficult, tormented. He is trying to get back home.

 

He is confused and hurt and broken. I have not contacted him. I have heard randomly from him. His tone varied. Sometimes longing, others distant.

 

The last contact was my response stating that I was struggling, and the shame of my part in his family situation was plaguing me. I missed him terribly. But, was trying desperately not to.. to clear my head.

 

The next contact he stated he was in therapy- no response please. And, yet I heard from him again- randomly.

 

I don't know what to do aside from move far away. I am not asking to be judged- please. I've been judged, hurt, my life has been changed. I understand the impact of what my involvement has done.

 

Anyone understand? Anyone able to move on?

[whichwayisup]

Everybody's lives are now torn apart and that's really sad.

 

All you can do is seek therapy for yourself and take this day by day. Rely on people in your life who aren't going to judge you and are going to support you.

 

Whatever you do, stay in NC mode. This is for your own sanity now. Any contact will make things worse for you.

[veryhappy]

There are many (f)OW here who not only understand, but know exactly what you are going through.

 

Let go of the shame and emotions about hurting his family. It's healthy to own your part in it, but he was a big boy to get involved with you, and he just discarded you to work on his M and save his family. You have only yourself, and nobody oh that side, including him gives too much thought to what you are feeling now.

 

Yes, plenty of stories of fOW who have moved on. It requires NC and wanting to move on. You are too early in the process to be able to, but give yourself time. Do not dwell on his hurts. You need all your energy for yourself. Enforce NC, because it will only hurt more. Imagine him telling you he's got the spark back with the wife or other insensitive things these MM like to share.

 

He has nothing to offer and he never had anything to offer outside the A. He's married. Let him be, and focus on yourself.

 

Who are all these people judging you and why is their opinion important to you? I can imagine the workplace. If you've post that job, consider it water under the bridge...

Edited December 9, 2012 by cutedragon

[ComingInHot]

promises;

You sound absolutely broken and for that I am truly sorry for you. The most important thing is to quickly find yourself a support crew. I would start w/a councelor. Some churches offer free of charge... Does your Mom live close by? Listen, she may be (for obvious reason) disappointed w/you BUT if she is a good Mother to you she should in the next breath grab you and hold til the tears can't come again for a while. Then she'll help you to pull up your britches and start making Wise decisions going forward.

 

I HOPE you get to the "angry" phase soon so you don't continue to see yourself as the W's victim. I KNOW you Only see things right now from a Very skewed advantage point, but I GUARANTEE you, you do not have the whole story and the story you Do have probably has holes all over it.

It doesn't stop you from hurting, I know. But it could lead to Action on your part*

No job? Well time to look for a new one VERY far away*

Poor excuse for friends? Well, when you move, you get a Free start over gift card to build new, better friends*

Miserable today? Well make a plan of action, stick to it, don't look back until you are one day sitting around w/your new job, friends, condo and then smile because you DID make it!

[anna121]

Please do whatever you need to do so that he can't contact you again. Perhaps send a formal NC letter, change numbers, whatever. His behaviour is abominable.

 

Sorry you're going through this. The pain is really something. I know. It does go away.

[todreaminblue]

I'm not sure where to go for understanding. Everyone who knows either blames me for getting involved with a MM, or they side with me and blame him and call him all sorts of things.

 

The truth is, I love him, loved him. He loved me. And after confessing to his wife that he was in love with me, she very systematically and quickly tore apart my world and his, in less than a few days- I had lost my job and he as well. By the third day, He was a ball of putty on my floor and missing his kids. I was sick, literally from the events that had just passed. It was hell.

 

He left that day and said he was going back to her. I didn't speak to him for a month. It was absolute hell. Contact happened on his end to mine and I have since seen him twice. Both instances, difficult, tormented. He is trying to get back home.

 

He is confused and hurt and broken. I have not contacted him. I have heard randomly from him. His tone varied. Sometimes longing, others distant.

 

The last contact was my response stating that I was struggling, and the shame of my part in his family situation was plaguing me. I missed him terribly. But, was trying desperately not to.. to clear my head.

 

The next contact he stated he was in therapy- no response please. And, yet I heard from him again- randomly.

 

I don't know what to do aside from move far away. I am not asking to be judged- please. I've been judged, hurt, my life has been changed. I understand the impact of what my involvement has done.

 

Anyone understand? Anyone able to move on?

 

 

I was the abandoned partner and from the other side fo the fence you getting abandoned would feel just the same as what it did for me to feel discarded.....i was more upset about the child abandonment.....i understood hsi abandonment of me...but his kids no...he only stayed with me for fifteen years because of the sex.....i am trying to make you smile......did it work probably not, it was a bit dry....it was very true though......he didnt love me, he loved the making love side.... and he cheated constantly i used to blame the other woman and after him telling me he ****ed up so many times after i had moved away i contemplated getting him back.......for the kids.....for him.....maybe for the sex for me.....i have basically been celibate since we split......

 

 

it wouldnt have worked even if we had gotten back together.......those issues would still have existed.....and i developed emotional guilt about the woman he had an affair with and is now with.....i have no desire to hurt another woman.....and i am not really competitive at all........i hope they find happiness together......it doesnt matter how many years you spend with someone or dotn spend with someone being discarded or rejected feels the same believe it or not....the memories and how many of them are just different.....the fact is you still feel extremely hurt.....in fact in the honeymoon period it can keen much more strongly.......you were there in that period what you feel is legitimate.......what you did might not have been right....he had a hand in that and now as another poster said, everyone feels like crap.........i hope you find peace and happiness.....with a guy who truly loves you with no confusion in that love.....or someone elses involvement..love is love....when it ends it hurts..........best wishes....deb

[Pierre]

I'm not sure where to go for understanding. Everyone who knows either blames me for getting involved with a MM, or they side with me and blame him and call him all sorts of things.

 

The truth is, I love him, loved him. He loved me. And after confessing to his wife that he was in love with me, she very systematically and quickly tore apart my world and his, in less than a few days- I had lost my job and he as well. By the third day, He was a ball of putty on my floor and missing his kids. I was sick, literally from the events that had just passed. It was hell.

 

He left that day and said he was going back to her. I didn't speak to him for a month. It was absolute hell. Contact happened on his end to mine and I have since seen him twice. Both instances, difficult, tormented. He is trying to get back home.

 

He is confused and hurt and broken. I have not contacted him. I have heard randomly from him. His tone varied. Sometimes longing, others distant.

 

The last contact was my response stating that I was struggling, and the shame of my part in his family situation was plaguing me. I missed him terribly. But, was trying desperately not to.. to clear my head.

 

The next contact he stated he was in therapy- no response please. And, yet I heard from him again- randomly.

 

I don't know what to do aside from move far away. I am not asking to be judged- please. I've been judged, hurt, my life has been changed. I understand the impact of what my involvement has done.

 

Anyone understand? Anyone able to move on?

 

i am very sorry you are hurting.

 

The main thing you should do is 100% mo contact.

 

Do not blame the wife. Blame your ex MOM, he is the guilty party.

 

As others say: Get counseling. Figure out why you thought dating a married man was a good idea.

 

If you do 100% NC the pain will go away faster than if you have sporadic contact

[promises]

Thank you all for your responses. Believe it or not all of your words, have given me more strength then I have felt I've had in a long while.

 

I consider myself to be a strong independent woman. From the outside many would agree with that. But, he knew of my weaknesses. He knew exactly where those points where and monopolized on them.

 

I am feeling anger. Somewhere in between all of the other feelings. Abandoned.. I never thought of that term in relation, but, yes, that is exact true.

 

No blame for the wife. I have spent days, weeks, in fact from day one explaining why I didn't want to hurt another woman the way I have. But, now here is the fallout.

 

I don't know why we sometimes do things that we do. I am trying to not hate, at all. Hate breads toxicity forever. We shared a common pain which brought us together in friendship out of that compassion. Whether that is true or not from his end, it was true on mine.

 

I was lonely. Desperate in fact for answers and compassion of my own.

 

It's helpful to hear from you all to walk away mentally from the pain I have helped cause his family, it sort of gives me permission to focus on me.

[ComingInHot]

Promises;

There is a new thread where a woman was where u are now seven months ago. Please read her thread! It's something like, "Update Happy ending" or something like that. It will show you where you could be in a few months if you pack up and head out now*

 

I have read some of the AP wanting "closure" from talking to the exMM one last time to get answers. Try Not to make this a consideration as you will either get answers that will leave wanting to hold onto him or answers that could break your heart all over again.

 

If you have something you feel you want or need to say to Mm or MM's Wife, use the other thread here. It may help express yourself and your own closure.

 

You are SO close to getting on. Keep moving forward!

[whichwayisup]

It's helpful to hear from you all to walk away mentally from the pain I have helped cause his family, it sort of gives me permission to focus on me.

He is focusing on his own pain and also the pain he inflicted on his wife and family. His wife is focusing on her pain and their kids.. Yes, you should only be concerned about your own pain right now, not theirs.

 

Things will get better in time. Just have to ride out this shi.t storm for a while.

[promises]

He is focusing on his own pain and also the pain he inflicted on his wife and family. His wife is focusing on her pain and their kids.. Yes, you should only be concerned about your own pain right now, not theirs.

 

Things will get better in time. Just have to ride out this shi.t storm for a while.

 

 

Emotional manipulation. That is what this is beginning to feel like now. I've never been so in question of my actions or responses. I am p. issed about that. Very much. He left her without a plan and in turn hurt us both. It almost feels like that was his intent all along. Hurt her, go back to her. Hurt me, reach out to me. Repeat.

 

Is that no different a pattern than abuse?

[veryhappy]

If he's avoidant, he didn't intend to hurt anyone. In fact, by staying ambivalent it was ij his mind the short term fix to hurting the side he was hurting at the time, and also trying hard to keep both options available hoping for some clarity moment that never comes.

 

If he's also a reactive person, thoroughly making a plan is not a habit for them. ExMM said he was waiting for things at home to "play out". It works for him, but it's not for me.

 

I wouldn't qualify it as knowingly abusive, as I doubt this was his intent. Hurtful regardless? Big yes. Do you feel used? Yes. Does he care right now? I don't think so.

Edited December 9, 2012 by cutedragon

[promises]

I feel very used. Does he care.. About her, yes... All of a sudden he cares.

 

How does a wife knowingly resolve this in her mind? If her husband shows disregard for the affair partner. Does he know what he did to me as well? He doesn't care. But, cares enough to make sure that I know he is around.

 

I don't think I could take a husband back if he had an affair knowing what I know now.

 

How do they.. I want to move on. I am trying to move on.

[LadyLost]

Promises... I know how you feel and what you are going through.

 

The emotional manipulation. You don't really see it till the fog lifts. And then you see the relationship for what it was. Yes, I believe my A was a dis-functional relationship. It was abusive- no, not physically, but the emotional manipulation was and remains exhausting. Stripping away your energy, pulling you back time and time again. 'Maybe this time'.

 

It is really important you try not to think about the W, about them and what their future holds. It is time to focus on yourself. You won't be able to move on until you leave him behind. I am still trying. Still getting sucked in but trying to be strong. I am making some changes in my life, I am working hard to stick with NC. Contact of any kind is an attempt on either side to manipulate. For me.. I have to continue to tell myself really, what do we have to talk about? What is it he needs to know? I know all I need to, he is still at home, still married. Now it's time for us to take control back.

 

Good luck, stay strong.

[promises]

Promises... I know how you feel and what you are going through.

 

The emotional manipulation. You don't really see it till the fog lifts. And then you see the relationship for what it was. Yes, I believe my A was a dis-functional relationship. It was abusive- no, not physically, but the emotional manipulation was and remains exhausting. Stripping away your energy, pulling you back time and time again. 'Maybe this time'.

 

It is really important you try not to think about the W, about them and what their future holds. It is time to focus on yourself. You won't be able to move on until you leave him behind. I am still trying. Still getting sucked in but trying to be strong. I am making some changes in my life, I am working hard to stick with NC. Contact of any kind is an attempt on either side to manipulate. For me.. I have to continue to tell myself really, what do we have to talk about? What is it he needs to know? I know all I need to, he is still at home, still married. Now it's time for us to take control back.

 

Good luck, stay strong.

 

It's amazing how one person can have that kind of impact on another persons life. Thank you for your thoughts. Today has been a rough one, sharing my thoughts here has brought on a few tears, but, probably needed tears.

 

I start a new job tomorrow. Was able to get a better job out of this whole thing, but, starting new nontheless tomorrow. I am working out each day, trying to talk to only those who bring me up, and

[promises]

you're right, bentnotbroken. You are right. She is doing what I was doing. Ugh... my only solace is how broken "I" was when we began talking. It was emotionally the most vulnerable place in my life.

[promises]

and yet, had he been serious about being with me (at the time), I wouldn't be here. So, what does that say...

[todreaminblue]

Emotional manipulation. That is what this is beginning to feel like now. I've never been so in question of my actions or responses. I am p. issed about that. Very much. He left her without a plan and in turn hurt us both. It almost feels like that was his intent all along. Hurt her, go back to her. Hurt me, reach out to me. Repeat.

 

Is that no different a pattern than abuse?

 

 

It is common when you have feelings for someone to want them back when you leave them ......or they leave you....... same deal....basically he should never hav eleft hsi wife in the first place he stuffed up...not you....well you a little bit he instigated a chain though...if he had got counselling or marriage therapy or recognised and taken into consideration the consequences ofstartign a relationship with you might not have come into play and his wife and him would have continued on without hurting you or each other or the family...to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction a ripple effect that goes out to encompass whole lives not just part of........you hurt someone that is your action and your choice not judging here..now the reaction you hav ehad or allergy is regret and pain.....so its double what you gave ..just being factual.....with him....he has way more.....he hurt his children ...he has regret....he has longing for you.....he has guilt...he hurt his wife......this is something he wont forget neither willl she....major damage ...you in effect hurt yourself the most.............you have the highest capacity to heal because you were a free agent looking for love in the wrong place.......you will heal before he does...he will probably crave contact with you.....stay nc.....you will heal faster.......that family needs counseling to get over the damage......serious damage control......you need tlc.....from a guy who loves you for you and no one else.......in a way the husband is abusign himself ........not you......he probably does care and have feelings for you.....now he pays the piper your debt is paid in full, because i feel in yrou heart (just from what you post) you regret what you have done to the family......you made a mistake and dont want to continue it and you are looking for answers on how to move on from it...thats regret and personal growth and i wish you the best....and a new love down the track.....deb

[promises]

I'm not trying to get attention from this- maybe here on this site, but, I'm hiding under a rock these days otherwise.

 

One thing that I feel like I learn over and over again is when something feels this s.hitty, it usually is. It's not healthy, loving, or kind. It's none of those things, because had it been, I wouldn't be so confused and banging my head against the wall for what I've been a part of.

Edited December 9, 2012 by promises

[promises]

Promises,

 

I hope you can stop questioning why his wife stays with him. That is between them. She didn't cause all this upsetness in your life - you and he did. She may have made it known that you two were having an affair, but you two chose that action. Its not fair to be upset with her - like you said, she was fighting for her husband, the father of her kids.

 

he is a piece of crap. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that, but he is. He played with your emotions, he knew you were lonely and prayed upon that. Yes, you allowed it, but he also chose to break his vows, show he has no loyalty. He has totally disrespected you and his wife. She may chose to forgive him and try again - because they have kids together or because of their past. Unfortunately, he will most likely continue to have random contact. YOU need to tell him to stop. YOU need to stand strong and stop letting him screw up your mind. YOU need to make it known to him that you are no longer his 2nd choice, his 'soft' landing. Even if he were to leave her again, he is broken and needs major therapy to work on himself. You don't need a broken man. YOU are the only one who can control what you allow into your life.

 

I hope you realize you are better than being a mistress/other woman. I hope you realize he is not good for you. I hope you can mourn the ending of the affair and move forward with your life and maybe see a counselor to help you with what sounds like depression to me.

 

You survived life without him previously - you will survive life without him in the future. I wish you well and hope you can begin to heal and decide you want and deserve better.

 

I will stop questioning why she stays with him. I know at least partially why. And, I'm not her. I will stop.

 

He is a piece of crap. The more I think through WHY I fell so strongly for him, the more I feel like he was way more seasoned at 'this type of thing' than I was. In fact at one point I remember he asked me to 'come over' to her house after he told me about a serious car accident in their family and she went to the hospital a ways away to be with the person involved. Then he asked me to come over... stay over, etc. I refused.. it was so non empathetic, I couldn't comprehend it. Yes, even though I was engaging with him. It was then I started pulling away from him. This went on for a month or so before the fallout.

 

I realize that I am much better than a mistress, yes. I do. Love shouldn't be hidden. In fact real love can't be. At least that's what I think. I want/deserve real love. I just need to love myself a bit more in the mean time.

[coffeebean201]

Sounds like he trusted his wife when he told her he was in love with you. And then turmoil ensued with lost jobs.

 

It is good he is in therapy because sounds like he is also confused.

 

But right now he is most definitely not there for you (which is a source of some of your anger). Good news is you have a better new job out of this - away from both of them.

 

He knows your weak points. He knows you well. He likely will be back to talk to you as he works through his confusion.

 

Keep aiming for healthy/loving/kind (as you said) - and you will rise above future drama.

[promises]

thank you coffeebean, that was very nice.

[justwhoiam]

Anyone understand? Anyone able to move on?

Yes, I do understand. If it's real, deep love, it's not something you deliberately choose. It just happens. You can try your best to push someone away, but love knows no barrier when love and passion are strong, and the other relationship is just weak.

 

He seems like a good guy who genuinely told his wife he was in love with you. Most men would be scared to admit it to their wives. Or trying to avoid the drama, when the new relationship is serious and both in the couple want to get married.

 

No one can blame the wife, we don't know her. She has any right to be hurting, but if a man comes to you and genuinely tells you that he fell deeply for someone else, you can't force him to be with you and threaten him like that. What kind of love is that? She'd have some unhappy man by her side, who will think of someone else when he's alone, when he needs to take care of himself, when he feels lonely though in a crowd, and will think what it could have been like and he will never know. A mother who denies father's visits is not a good mother.

 

Also, I guess some subjects are better discussed starting from a certain age, no offence meant. I am sure that when I'll be older, my perspective on life will be somewhat different than it is now. And it was somewhat different when I was younger.

[promises]

 

No one can blame the wife, we don't know her. She has any right to be hurting, but if a man comes to you and genuinely tells you that he fell deeply for someone else, you can't force him to be with you and threaten him like that. What kind of love is that? She'd have some unhappy man by her side, who will think of someone else when he's alone, when he needs to take care of himself, when he feels lonely though in a crowd, and will think what it could have been like and he will never know. A mother who denies father's visits is not a good mother.

 

My best guess is they'll get through therapy. He'll move back home. They'll be 'happy' for a year, maybe six months. He'll be unhappy after the s.hit storm settles. They'll be back to square one. He'll contact me again. I just hope I've moved on long before that.

[Lamplight]

Congratulations on your new job!! I'm so glad you were able to find another one so quickly. That woman had no right to go after your livelihood like that. As for them, that's not your problem. Who really cares if their marriage makes it or not! Stay strong, work on your career and do things that are positive and bring joy to your life. I wish you well.