Hurting, judged, and feeling alone. (The OW)

[Pierre]

So, my date from the other night asked me out again. He said that I was, 'unique'.

 

Is this the point where I tell him I was an adulterer and spend hours a day on LS?

 

He's 2 yrs divorced. Handsome. I'll admit a bit boring. I'll assume this is my own issue , not his.

 

Once you had an EMR normal relationships with single available men will be boring. They lack the ingredients to truly enhance your dopamine levels. Furthermore, single men that are not in cheating mode are not as smooth and charming as a MOM.

 

I know a few MWs looking to have an EMR and they project a sensuality that is quite different from single women. I will admit they seem much more attractive, but the drama is not worth it.

[promises]

So I just received another FWD email from MM ...

 

A few points..

A. He's not dumb. It's his subtle way of making me know he's around or making me question if he is.

 

B. It's been exactly two weeks since the last attempt at this.

 

C. Im writing here so I don't respond there.

 

How is he helping either his wife or I heal????

[Pierre]

So I just received another FWD email from MM ...

 

A few points..

A. He's not dumb. It's his subtle way of making me know he's around or making me question if he is.

 

B. It's been exactly two weeks since the last attempt at this.

 

C. Im writing here so I don't respond there.

 

How is he helping either his wife or I heal????

 

He may want to stay married and fix his marriage however, he is still addicted to you. He is trying to medicate his own addiction. Of course we all know medicating the addiction with contact is the wrong way to do it, but NC seems counter intuitive.

 

If he is a typical MOM he is mostly concerned about his own feelings.

[Got it]

(((promises))))

 

Sorry hon for your pain. Being a retired OW myself some thoughts from experience.

 

1. Concentrate on you, your healing, and be gentle with yourself. Grieving a relationship takes time and expect it to take awhile. It is like riding the waves of the sea during the storm, they come fast and furious in the beginning but I promise you they settle down and one day the sun will come out.

 

2. He is at a crossroads and obviously doesn't know exactly what he wants and needs. I am sorry he is feeling like that, good he is in therapy, but your concentration should be on you. After a dday (and why he told her is beyond me. Instigating a dday is the dumbest idea, no offense. It just becomes only the EMR and not about why the person was unhappy in the marriage and it almost always gets ugly.) After our dday I drew the line in the sand. Moving on was hard but I had to focus on me. I did not design to be the OW forever and it was a short term solution for his complications. So once the cat was out of the bag, that "solution" wasn't necessary. I cried, I mourned, I dated (oh the funny stories there) but I did not concede my requirements for him to have me back. He knew my expectations and the ball was in his court. I knew he struggled with his home life, his kids, etc. I knew it was a mess to work through and honestly going home was easier than divorcing! I saw that but I wasn't going to change how I felt which I stated clearly from day one. I figured if we were meant to be then we would be and he would catch up. If not I knew I would be fine, and I would move on and be happy because that was a priority in my life. I knew I was a damn fine gift in that man's life and knew I had a good bit to offer to anyone.

 

Let him focus on his life, let him figure out what he needs to do to be happy and he needs to do it on his own. He doesn't deserve another human as a crutch ( no one does) so he needs to figure his life out. I wished my guy well as I did just want him happy and I hoped that what ever he choose he would be happy. But I wanted to be happy too and so I was going to focus there.

 

3. I won't tell you to date or not date but be honest with yourself and the other person your state of mind. I am not saying wearing a Scarlet A but if you are only casually dating let them know. Don't play with someone else's heart. I did date, it was a disaster but there were some funny stories out of it, I had a good time, and I did let the men know I was getting over another relationship. I also changed my life style to focus more on me, I explored different hobbies, friends, etc and really tried to dive into my life and learn more about me. I realized I liked me a lot.

 

Please know you hold more power than you ever realized. Know you are a prize and deserve to be treated as such. If he is meant to be, you guys will come back around, but you want him having figured his life out.

 

Good luck honey.

[promises]

(((promises))))

 

Sorry hon for your pain. Being a retired OW myself some thoughts from experience.

 

1. Concentrate on you, your healing, and be gentle with yourself.

 

Thank you. I am trying and as the days/weeks go on I have had no choice but to do so. There are moments I am beginning to feel like the tenacious woman I was before he showed up.

 

2. He is at a crossroads and obviously doesn't know exactly what he wants and needs. I am sorry he is feeling like that, good he is in therapy, but your concentration should be on you. After a dday (and why he told her is beyond me. Instigating a dday is the dumbest idea, no offense. It just becomes only the EMR and not about why the person was unhappy in the marriage and it almost always gets ugly.)

 

I was a damn fine gift in that man's life and knew I had a good bit to offer to anyone.

 

I agree. And, I never set out to be a long term OW, or and OW for that matter. But, my feelings were always clear on that. I believe he told her because he knew he was losing me and he was extremely unhappy with her. It's was half desperation and half vengeful to her feelings.He may very well love his wife. I believe that he does. But, I also know that he loved me, and he can justify that love all he wants right now, but, there was love there. Last I heard love wasn't meant to be compartmentalized but, I understand that it is in terms of commitment and marriage. I also believe that he knows I am/was a great catch in his mind. The things about me he loved were very much things that he once dreamed of. He doesn't deserve another human as a crutch ( no one does) so he needs to figure his life out.

 

I got there- I couldn't be the crutch any more. I want to be happy.

3. I won't teldl you to date or not date but be honest with yourself and the other person your state of mind. I am not saying wearing a Scarlet A but if you are only casually dating let them know. Don't play with someone else's heart. I did date, it was a disaster but there were some funny stories out of it, I had a good time, and I did let the men know I was getting over another relationship. I also changed my life style to focus more on me, I explored different hobbies, friends, etc and really tried to dive into my life and learn more about me. I realized I liked me a lot.

 

This is great advice.

 

Please know you hold more power than you ever realized. Know you are a prize and deserve to be treated as such. If he is meant to be, you guys will come back around, but you want him having figured his life out.

 

Good luck honey.

 

Thank you. This was very sweet. ((hugs))

[promises]

I met with a friend today who knows both the MM and myself. We talked at length about the MM and my A. It helped make things a bit more clear to me.

 

He agrees with Pierre that MM is going through a withdrawal of sorts. (Just like I am). His random reaching out is just to grasp onto something but, not enough to do anything about it. (**it's also messing deeply with my head.. i.e., 'he's thinking about me', 'he's confused still', 'he's around'.

 

End of the day his wife and he will reconcile. Their history is too long. End of the day he'll try to reach out to me again, and by then I will be much stronger. Not willing to go through this again. This honestly has been some serious serious pain.

 

Now I need to stop these constant thoughts of him. It's like his face is tattooed on the front of my brain. I'm not sure how to stop that.

 

I need to. It's hard to love someone and hate them at the same time. I feel totally spent.

[promises]

the truth is I feel like I've finally conceded. I feel like no more. I feel done.

[promises]

well, the one last form of instant communication that I had open due to business and other needs- i've just gone through the painstaking 4 hour process of moving over to another server. SO, essentially, I will have no reason to have alerts from this email any longer. I will no longer have to see if he decides to send me something and send me into insanity.

 

Now can I heal. Please.