Hurting, judged, and feeling alone. (The OW)

[promises]

Congratulations on your new job!! I'm so glad you were able to find another one so quickly. That woman had no right to go after your livelihood like that. As for them, that's not your problem. Who really cares if their marriage makes it or not! Stay strong, work on your career and do things that are positive and bring joy to your life. I wish you well.

 

Thank you , Lamp.my new job is seeming to be a blessing that has come out of this. I'm thankful for that. I got away for awhile as well. Physical distance helped. Coming back to start with something new has as well. I am having my moments but, the good news is that I am no longer consumed by this situation all day long. I miss talking with the MM, but the gravity of his life and all that consumes is quite honestly not even a small fit with where i wish to be right now - which is respected , loved, enabled to be better.

 

I know that I will hear from him again. It's not his style to let me go on 100 percent clean from here on out. Why would he? It's always the case that the exes come back to make some point . He knows that I am getting stronger.

 

I scheduled a date for next week . I went to a movie with someone last week .I am not ready for seriously dating, but my written criteria has three basic themes: available , non addictive traits, they'll progress on my timing .

[Pierre]

Thank you , Lamp.my new job is seeming to be a blessing that has come out of this. I'm thankful for that. I got away for awhile as well. Physical distance helped. Coming back to start with something new has as well. I am having my moments but, the good news is that I am no longer consumed by this situation all day long. I miss talking with the MM, but the gravity of his life and all that consumes is quite honestly not even a small fit with where i wish to be right now - which is respected , loved, enabled to be better.

 

I know that I will hear from him again. It's not his style to let me go on 100 percent clean from here on out. Why would he? It's always the case that the exes come back to make some point . He knows that I am getting stronger.

 

I scheduled a date for next week . I went to a movie with someone last week .I am not ready for seriously dating, but my written criteria has three basic themes: available , non addictive traits, they'll progress on my timing .

 

 

Affairs often develop in the workplace. Keep your eyes open for the players.

 

You should not be dating anyone at this time. I would not like to be the guy dating you.

 

Allow time to pass and remain 100% NC.

 

Do not blame the wife. In fact she was the only true victim in this incident. Blame the MOM!

[promises]

Affairs often develop in the workplace. Keep your eyes open for the players.

 

You should not be dating anyone at this time. I would not like to be the guy dating you.

 

Allow time to pass and remain 100% NC.

 

Do not blame the wife. In fact she was the only true victim in this incident. Blame the MOM!

 

 

Ha! The dating comment made me laugh.

And , I know that is true.

 

The wife blames me 100 percent .

I have my reasons for my disliking her right now.

 

But, if I saw her I would be reminded of my guilt entirely, and most likely hate him more soundly .

Yes, he is a jack. hole.

[Pierre]

Ha! The dating comment made me laugh.

And , I know that is true.

 

Just let the guy know where you are emotionally. He may have high hopes and you may not be ready for single men yet since they have a different dating style.

 

The wife blames me 100 percent .

 

This is her rationalization to survive the marriage. All of us need rationalization to make it through a bad spot. If she has decided to save the marriage she needs to displace the anger to MOM to you. She probably thinks MO is a nice boy that was seduced.

 

 

I have my reasons for my disliking her right now.

 

Why? She has done nothing to you.

 

But, if I saw her I would be reminded of my guilt entirely, and most likely hate him more soundly .

Yes, he is a jack. hole.

 

Guilt is good. It means you have a heart.

 

Stay 100% NC.:cool:

[promises]

The one piece I get stuck on often is the WHY. Why did he pay and give so much attention , interest ... All of it. Only to walk away cold turkey. I get it. It had to be. I needed it to be. But, that is the abamdonment part that I feel.. That hits me between the eyes less and less but, is obviously still around.

 

Ok. This is my outlet . No longer talking about this with those in my life.

[MourningLosses]

I felt the same, why so sudden so cold so absolute? I came to the conclusion that it was the price for staying. And I guess I get that. Id I let my H stay after cheating (which I wouldn't) I'd need him to drop her cold too and probably hurt her just to prove he was done with her. Why stay with a wife if you aren't going to meet her terms? So I guess he didn't have much choice. In the end though nothing he could say would make up for the loss. So maybe it doesn't matter.

[promises]

I felt the same, why so sudden so cold so absolute? I came to the conclusion that it was the price for staying. And I guess I get that. Id I let my H stay after cheating (which I wouldn't) I'd need him to drop her cold too and probably hurt her just to prove he was done with her. Why stay with a wife if you aren't going to meet her terms? So I guess he didn't have much choice. In the end though nothing he could say would make up for the loss. So maybe it doesn't matter.

 

I understand ... And nothing at this point could make up for it either. The last time I saw him at least I got to say this has affected me deeply. He said he knew. I suppose that is more validation than many get...and I am sure that the first pre req she has is exactly what you said.

[whichwayisup]

The one piece I get stuck on often is the WHY. Why did he pay and give so much attention , interest ... All of it. Only to walk away cold turkey. I get it. It had to be. I needed it to be. But, that is the abamdonment part that I feel.. That hits me between the eyes less and less but, is obviously still around.

 

Ok. This is my outlet . No longer talking about this with those in my life.

 

You gave your heart and adored all that he gave to you. It hurts to be rejected, to find out the other person didn't feel as deeply, or didn't love as much. I'm sure during the times he was with you, he felt passion, and felt a lot, but he somehow is able to turn it off and act like it meant nothing. Maybe it's easier for him to deal with by walking away cold turkey. I know it's easier said than done but try not to obsess over this..You'll never know the real answers so focus on yourself and your path to healing.

[Pierre]

The one piece I get stuck on often is the WHY. Why did he pay and give so much attention , interest ...

 

It is not about you. It6 is about the MOM.

 

As a woman you should not be anymore or any less because MOM paid attention to you. Your worth should be intact.

 

Ok. This is my outlet . No longer talking about this with those in my life.

 

There is only one solution and that is NC.

 

Stay away from married man-------particularly charming MM.

[promises]

It is not about you. It6 is about the MOM.

 

As a woman you should not be anymore or any less because MOM paid attention to you. Your worth should be intact.

 

 

 

There is only one solution and that is NC.

 

Stay away from married man-------particularly charming MM.

 

Pierre- I don't feel any more or less worth as a woman because of him. I feel 'hurt' and yes, rejected. These are normal feelings after being 'hurt' and 'rejected'. I've heard this before- OW must have little self worth. I disagree with that statement.

 

I can tell you have a vested interested in understanding the OW/OM state of mind and actions. And, I value (honestly) your feedback as I feel like you've studied and are acutely aware of the traits and characteristics of the Other. I mean that in a very sincere and helpful 'thank you' kind of a way.

 

The one factor though that is missing from all of the responses is that we are ALL human. We all 'f' up. Maybe some mess up very aggressively like I did, and some on a more subconscious level, but we all do.

 

And, there are always outside circumstances that influence our actions. My state of mind and the circumstances in my life were such that they helped in a major way influence my participation in this. Was it a question of self worth as a woman?? No. It was extreme stresses and forces combined with his charm and my need.

 

I've never questioned if it was right or not, but, I wouldn't be here posting if I believed I was free of shame or guilt. Guilt and responsibility has been the biggest crippling force for me. I know I have responsibility as a human to know how my actions impact another human. I'll never be proud of what I've done in that regard. I've never been in this type of situation before, which is why I am here writing. I'm looking for understanding not just 'go NC'.

[Pierre]

Pierre- I don't feel any more or less worth as a woman because of him. I feel 'hurt' and yes, rejected. These are normal feelings after being 'hurt' and 'rejected'. I've heard this before- OW must have little self worth. I disagree with that statement.

 

I can tell you have a vested interested in understanding the OW/OM state of mind and actions. And, I value (honestly) your feedback as I feel like you've studied and are acutely aware of the traits and characteristics of the Other. I mean that in a very sincere and helpful 'thank you' kind of a way.

 

The one factor though that is missing from all of the responses is that we are ALL human. We all 'f' up. Maybe some mess up very aggressively like I did, and some on a more subconscious level, but we all do.

 

And, there are always outside circumstances that influence our actions. My state of mind and the circumstances in my life were such that they helped in a major way influence my participation in this. Was it a question of self worth as a woman?? No. It was extreme stresses and forces combined with his charm and my need.

 

I've never questioned if it was right or not, but, I wouldn't be here posting if I believed I was free of shame or guilt. Guilt and responsibility has been the biggest crippling force for me. I know I have responsibility as a human to know how my actions impact another human. I'll never be proud of what I've done in that regard. I've never been in this type of situation before, which is why I am here writing. I'm looking for understanding not just 'go NC'.

 

This is one of the best posts I have ever read here. I admire you for having the courage to do what you are doing. Something remarkable will happen to you because of this experience.

 

If you are looking for explanations you are on the right track. We are HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!

 

We are endowed with the traits that worked for evolution and to serve the replication of our DNA in prehistoric times. Unfortunately those traits try to rule our way of life in a completely different modern world. No wonder we make mistakes.

[promises]

And place the social and spiritual 'obligations' on top of the innate natural 'DNA' process as you mentioned, we have a whole boat load of mixed up.

 

Unfortunately, there are serious repercussions in this modern World for screwing another persons legal or bound by the rib, partner.

 

In my case, they were intense and severe repercussions.

[ThatJustHappened]

Pierre- I don't feel any more or less worth as a woman because of him. I feel 'hurt' and yes, rejected. These are normal feelings after being 'hurt' and 'rejected'. I've heard this before- OW must have little self worth. I disagree with that statement.

 

I can tell you have a vested interested in understanding the OW/OM state of mind and actions. And, I value (honestly) your feedback as I feel like you've studied and are acutely aware of the traits and characteristics of the Other. I mean that in a very sincere and helpful 'thank you' kind of a way.

 

The one factor though that is missing from all of the responses is that we are ALL human. We all 'f' up. Maybe some mess up very aggressively like I did, and some on a more subconscious level, but we all do.

 

And, there are always outside circumstances that influence our actions. My state of mind and the circumstances in my life were such that they helped in a major way influence my participation in this. Was it a question of self worth as a woman?? No. It was extreme stresses and forces combined with his charm and my need.

 

I've never questioned if it was right or not, but, I wouldn't be here posting if I believed I was free of shame or guilt. Guilt and responsibility has been the biggest crippling force for me. I know I have responsibility as a human to know how my actions impact another human. I'll never be proud of what I've done in that regard. I've never been in this type of situation before, which is why I am here writing. I'm looking for understanding not just 'go NC'.

 

This post is impressive. I just felt like it needed to be repeated.

[promises]

2-1/2 weeks solid NC on my end.

9 days on his.

 

I wish that time would go faster and I could fast forward the healing to six months from now.

 

Things that I still fear :

Additional loss of friendship (another heard, and departed yesterday)

Last I saw him he had not told his W we'd been physical, and had lied about the longevity of the A. He was not living at home.

They are in therapy now as his goal is to get back home.

He'll lie in therapy.

He'll contact me again.

 

Things I am happy about :

I'm crying less.

I am refocusing everyday, little bits.

I did the classic 'cut your hair after a breakup', it's growing back.

I catch myself remembering my dreams before him.

I have some great solid friendships.

Thankful for LS.

[Saba]

It sounds like you are really moving forward which is fantastic.

 

Is there any way you can change your phone number, email etc. so that he cannot contact you? At least then you can put that fear out of your mind.

[promises]

It sounds like you are really moving forward which is fantastic.

 

Is there any way you can change your phone number, email etc. so that he cannot contact you? At least then you can put that fear out of your mind.

 

I blocked multiple numbers on my phone after she and random numbers were harassing me. He informed me he was also getting harassed and changed his number. This to prove to his W he wasn't communicating with me but he continued to email for a time. I cannot change my email.

 

I'd like to get to the point where I realize that he wasn't this person I have in my head- this man I thought I loved. Ultimately, he left with control in his hands which is a helpless, painful thing. The whole relationship was 90% in his control- when we talked- when I saw him. It sucked, it was ridiculous. I mean, really, why would I think he cares now?? It's not like he ever 'waited' for me to call him, etc. He had that control. That's the biggest ego burst, I suppose if you get down to it.

 

I do have control of not responding when he decides that home life has calmed down enough to reach out to me to 'see how I am'.. which I am fairly confident will happen.

 

Yes, I would like to be in control when that happens and not respond. I'm not going to lie here, I'll want to say a whole bunch of things. But, the best response will be no response.

 

And, if he never reaches out again? That will hurts, too. Right? The best thing I understand.

 

I keep telling myself in a spiteful way that their marriage will never make it. How could it? Telling your W you love someone else only to back-track and say, opps, just kidding.. I didn't love her, I loved her 'words' and she took advantage of me in a volatile state. AHHHHHH!!!!

[Tenacity]

Pierre- I don't feel any more or less worth as a woman because of him. I feel 'hurt' and yes, rejected. These are normal feelings after being 'hurt' and 'rejected'. I've heard this before- OW must have little self worth. I disagree with that statement.

 

I can tell you have a vested interested in understanding the OW/OM state of mind and actions. And, I value (honestly) your feedback as I feel like you've studied and are acutely aware of the traits and characteristics of the Other. I mean that in a very sincere and helpful 'thank you' kind of a way.

 

The one factor though that is missing from all of the responses is that we are ALL human. We all 'f' up. Maybe some mess up very aggressively like I did, and some on a more subconscious level, but we all do.

 

And, there are always outside circumstances that influence our actions. My state of mind and the circumstances in my life were such that they helped in a major way influence my participation in this. Was it a question of self worth as a woman?? No. It was extreme stresses and forces combined with his charm and my need.

 

I've never questioned if it was right or not, but, I wouldn't be here posting if I believed I was free of shame or guilt. Guilt and responsibility has been the biggest crippling force for me. I know I have responsibility as a human to know how my actions impact another human. I'll never be proud of what I've done in that regard. I've never been in this type of situation before, which is why I am here writing. I'm looking for understanding not just 'go NC'.

 

This is a beautiful post.

 

I completely agree that feeling hurt, used, and rejected need not have anything to do with having a low self-worth. We are human and make mistakes - sometimes big ones. We trust the wrong people and we misjudge and we do things that hurt other people in the process. Hopefully we learn from these mistakes (I have) and move forward in a different direction. That, to me, is the real measure of self-worth.

 

I am sorry for your pain and the situation you are in. I know how much it hurts when someone you love convinces you they are making plans for a future with you, then take action to move out and proceed to do so, only to move back in and say "sorry, I just can't do it". The feeling of rejection and yes, betrayal, is horrible.

[promises]

This is a beautiful post.

 

I completely agree that feeling hurt, used, and rejected need not have anything to do with having a low self-worth. We are human and make mistakes - sometimes big ones. We trust the wrong people and we misjudge and we do things that hurt other people in the process. Hopefully we learn from these mistakes (I have) and move forward in a different direction. That, to me, is the real measure of self-worth.

 

I am sorry for your pain and the situation you are in. I know how much it hurts when someone you love convinces you they are making plans for a future with you, then take action to move out and proceed to do so, only to move back in and say "sorry, I just can't do it". The feeling of rejection and yes, betrayal, is horrible.

 

Thank you, tenacity. You are one of a handful of posters here that realize the humanist side of things. He discarded me. I filled a need. Whatever he felt for me once, it no longer is available. I am trying not to actually hate him in moments, but, unfortunately right now I am hating his carelessness. I'd like for the Holidays to pass. I feel like they will be my final big hurdle. I know that he'll be happy with his family and their promises.

 

I wish that I had never met him.

[Pink_orchid]

I was a broken mess a couple of years ago, and I was on here asking all the questions you are asking and wondering all the things you are asking.

 

I have not read all of your thread but I do have two or three bits of advice which you may find useful... or not..! This man could well flip-flop around as long as you let him and it's so very hard to see what is going on and sort out your head when you are still in love and still in that crazy period. I can't tell you what to say to him, after all some men DO leave their wives and start a new relationship, and everyone here saying he was never going to leave/never will leave may well be wrong. Only time will tell. But you have to put yourself first on the journey to recovering whether that's on your own, with someone new or with him... it's kinda hard to think it's OVER is it not - I found it easier to say to myself maybe it wasn't over... I did the 'No Contact' letter and it cut me up so much I regretted it... so I don't go a bundle on this blocking them, no contact, thing, personally.

 

My second bit of advice is I am NOT in favour of counselling actually! It might help you, everyone is different but not necessarily. The stupid woman counsellor I saw, for 10 weeks, actually made me feel worse, telling me my relationship was 'Not real'. She practically made me feel a fool for getting involved with a married man and her view was because he was married I meant nothing - when I had told her about the emotions I felt and those I had seen from him she was very dismissive. She was also very moralistic for a counsellor, very religious and straight-laced and clearly she disapproved in general, but I was so blind and lost that I couldn't see it. And I went along every week, talked and cried for an hour and walked out feeling like s**t.

 

What saved me was not counselling, nor getting together with the MM, it was myself. My determination to keep going no matter what, through the toughest time of my life, and try and better myself and my future. I am now two years into an Honors Degree and feel so good about myself, it is the best thing ever to give yourself some goals, and go for them, and you will see what is right for you and wrong for you without anybody telling you, you will trust your own judgement... because I also felt I had lost mine, I thought I had lost it all... good luck you'll be fine.

Edited December 16, 2012 by Pink_orchid

[firstandlast]

Thank you, tenacity. You are one of a handful of posters here that realize the humanist side of things. He discarded me. I filled a need. Whatever he felt for me once, it no longer is available. I am trying not to actually hate him in moments, but, unfortunately right now I am hating his carelessness. I'd like for the Holidays to pass. I feel like they will be my final big hurdle. I know that he'll be happy with his family and their promises.

 

I wish that I had never met him.

 

I think what you're feeling is perfectly natural, and it's OK to hate both the situation and him. It might actually help you cope for the time being.

[promises]

I had a moment today when I literally had a sensation come over me while driving along. I had this realization of something that I've known all along but, in the midst of pain and rejection you tend to forget..

 

His marriage is broken at the moment.

I am not a pair that is broken, I am, as an individual, strong. I do not need to go through a separation, marriage therapy, or years of pleasing my spouse to try to make up for my 'mistake'. *(ahh!)

 

I have a complete future ahead of me to make a partnership great. Not make something broken work again.

 

This was never about ME not being enough or whatever we feel when we feel rejected. His mess was always there. I have so much to give. I hope that I can keep holding on to that notion.

 

Hey, it's better than waking up in tears.

Edited December 17, 2012 by promises

[heartinlove]

 

This was never about ME not being enough or whatever we feel when we feel rejected. His mess was always there. I have so much to give. I hope that I can keep holding on to that notion.

 

Hey, it's better than waking up in tears.

 

This is a good space to hang out in. We take it so personally when MM run back to their wives after d-days even when they are the ones to tell and say they are in love with someone else. Its easy to feel we are not loved enough but it really is not about that.

 

D-days create such trauma and its difficult to leave a long marriage with children let alone in that kind of trauma. I completely get now why so many run right back. Very different than leaving a marriage because there has been numerous conversations and an agreement its done. Everything hes doing now is to deal with his pain, his wives pain and his childrens pain. He is consumed with that. Does it mean his marriage will work out. No. But he made a commitment to her and he is most likely consumed with the guilt of hurting her in this way. He needs to do his own work, and he needs to leave you out of it.

 

Do I think, when things die down, he'll be knocking on your door. A hundred percent yes. Be prepared. From the words of someone whos walked your shoes, do not let him back into your life unless he is divorced. Unless you really think he's that worth it, that right for you, that you're willing to walk that road with him and take your chances. Get strong and move on.

 

If he is truly this confused and guilt ridden he could flip flop around forever and drag you into it if you allow it.

 

As for your guilt, forgive yourself. We're all human. Most of us who've been in affairs would never go there again. At the same time, i now completely understand why they happen. People fall in love, feel strong emotions or sometimes fill a need where its not supposed to happen and we can get swept up in these powerful currents of emotions. Use this time of being away from this to get your strength to move forward and not be involved in his mess.

 

Also, in my experience it does no good to hate anyone to move in. Its better to see lessons learned, have compassion but move forward knowing better. Good luck. You'll be fine.

[promises]

I have a date tonight. I know that Pierre will not be in agreement with this. however, I am going and DAMMI. T Iam going to enjoy it.

[Pierre]

I have a date tonight. I know that Pierre will not be in agreement with this. however, I am going and DAMMI. T Iam going to enjoy it.

 

Poor guy!:love:

[promises]

So, my date from the other night asked me out again. He said that I was, 'unique'.

 

Is this the point where I tell him I was an adulterer and spend hours a day on LS?

 

He's 2 yrs divorced. Handsome. I'll admit a bit boring. I'll assume this is my own issue , not his.