Will affaris with MM or MW ever make us happy?

[Mrs.Dee]

Willaffairs with a MM or MW ever make us happy?

 

So I have been reading in this forum for å while now, and it seems to me that most of the stories in here is about heartbroken people, that end up unhappy and crying and so far I havn’t really read any story where the affairs has made the OM/OWhappy.

What do you guys think, do we only hear about the unhappy stories?

while all the ones having happy ones stay outof forums like these. simply because they really don’t need a placeto went their feelings or is it so that most affairs with MM or MW causes griefand heartache to the OM/OW?

[Saba]

Romantic / dating / marriage forums are full of stories of angst (and the occasional happy thread) for the reason you stated. It is rare to go to the effort of starting a thread when things are going well and you are happy.

[MissBee]

I think it's a mixture of both.

 

I think there are lots of people in affairs who are not happy about it being an affair. I think rare are the people who specifically love the affair dynamic. Most people it seems feel it is temporary or expect some change in circumstance to something open and when that doesn't pan out or as they are trying to figure it out they often come here.

 

There are happy people in As not here and unhappy ones who also aren't here. Many people in the world simply do not post on internet forums. But I think generally if you look around LS, most people come here, to discuss their relationship issues, be it marriage, dating, affair, friendships etc. Topics just to discuss how happy you are about your situation are very rare....and really, who is sitting at home thinking, I'm so happy, let me search for a forum to talk about my happiness . Hardly anyone. I am not in an unhappy relationship at the moment and am not really having any relationship problems to bring to the LS table; however, I originally came to LS and only knew about it because I was searching for a place to discuss my feelings and emotions when I was going through a breakup. As I got over the breakup I stopped coming on as much...then I came back as I was working through some personal epiphanies re: unavailable relationships. So I think it's both: most people seeking online support and discussion boards usually have issues to discuss (this is logical, as happiness really requires little support and not much to discuss) and yes, also because of the nature of the average A, many are unfulfilled by them ultimately.

[Sarabi]

Will a MM make me happy..? At times yes it feels like the one I have does but lately I can answer mostly no (Miss Bee is right). I am the one sitting crying and feeling upset all the time when I don't hear from him I never thought I would turn into someone like that.

He has asked me before "Do you think you can make me happy?" Finally the other day I told him that he is the one who needs to figure out for himself what makes him happy. He needs to make himself happy...depending on the circumstances I can add to that happiness but me alone...no, I can't make him happy. And surely its not my responsibility to either..?

[TaraMaiden]

Will affaris (Sic) with MM or MW ever make us happy?

 

No.

Happiness isn't dependent on the inclusion of a significant other, in our lives, no matter who they are or of what gender.

If you expect something outside of yourself to make you happy, then you have a long wait coming.....

 

What will make anyone happy is a clear conscience and 'doing the right thing'.

 

Unhappiness is a result of those criteria not being met.

[ComingInHot]

Mrs.Dee;

There are a couple of comments here by Missbee & LHF that make sense.

I think that affairs can bring happiness but for most it is temporary yet happiness nonetheless. (That was missbee)

LHF is stating that we'd all read more "happy" stories if the joy wasn't stolen by the BS's here. I have seen that go both ways here but I agree that just because BS's disagree (& I believe for good reason) does Not entitle them or anyone to belittle the feelings of the OW/OM. (& visaversa )*

Then there is Mourning who stated an obvious but pertinent fact. The happily ever after OW/OM don't always come across as truly happy in their posts.

 

My conclusion (not having been an OW) would be that my happiness is not defined by One thing or person rather who I am and the good things I do knowing when I leave this place and any relationship that I leave it better than I found it. That makes me happy.

[Mrs.Dee]

Maybe the question should have been: does affairs usually add to or substract from our happiness.

 

 

 

In other worlds does it make us more or less happy?

[Realist3]

Willaffairs with a MM or MW ever make us happy?

 

So I have been reading in this forum for å while now, and it seems to me that most of the stories in here is about heartbroken people, that end up unhappy and crying and so far I havn’t really read any story where the affairs has made the OM/OWhappy.

What do you guys think, do we only hear about the unhappy stories?

while all the ones having happy ones stay outof forums like these. simply because they really don’t need a placeto went their feelings or is it so that most affairs with MM or MW causes griefand heartache to the OM/OW?

 

 

Yes! The sample of people you read here is just that, people who are unhappy, looking for advice. While people who are happy in their A's have no need to come find advice. So, the sample is unrepresentitive of the whole. Who needs to brag about an A that is working for them?

 

I happened upon this site out of basic curiosity of the subject, and wanting to find out other's experiences. While informative it is also quite a bit depressing.

[Realist3]

You won't hear many happy stories because when a happy story gets posted a large group will then make it their vendetta to try and make it negative.

 

No matter what.

It's the prevailing opinion that we don't deserve to be happy. It gets too exhausting to try and keep up with the posts on one of those threads. I'm pretty happy in my relationship most of the time. I love him, he loves me, there's no way I'd trade it for anything.

 

There are a few threads on here. I'll try and resurrect them if I can find them!

 

Exactly! If I posted a thread I would feel like it would be rubbing salt in someone's wound.

[Summer Breeze]

There are some really good points and the question in the OP is a good one.

 

I think it was TaraMaiden who first mentioned that happiness is found in yourself and I couldn't agree more. LFH said pretty much the same and a little more detail about being in the A that I agree with.

 

I was happy with myself before the A and for us it didn't 'just happen'. I knew myself well and I had a really good life. I could have gone on without him but chose not. I never let myself go in the A. I had my life and I had boundaries in place for him. He was made to fit into my life more than I was made to fit into his and there were times he didn't like it. LFH basically said what I so agree with for any R. Don't lose yourself and don't lose your power.

 

As far as happy ever afters. I think there are more than most people want to admit. In my own experience APs and MPs end up together and happy heavily more often than not. I didn't think I'd have a happily ever after but I'm lucky enough to have been given a shot. I'm not taking it for granted and I'm not assuming it's all going to be easy. I think we're taking the right steps and I'm hopeful.

 

As far as posters who are being mentioned as deliriously happy in their A. Most aren't. Most are content but keep in mind because someone is happy doesn't mean they don't have things they want and need to talk about. They also may want to help others understand things. I was years past my D and several past my A when I came in here. I was wandering around and started reading and all of a sudden I was thinking about what I went through in both. When I divorced there wasn't an internet--remember that was 150 years ago. When I ended the A I'd made my choice and was moving on and I didn't think about talking about it on the net. All my friends and family knew him and the situation so I had great support from them too. When I read here it was like a lightbulb going on and my head spun. Now that DMM is back in the picture I'm looking to this place to keep my feet planted firmly on good old Mother Earth.

 

I'm so good at rambling.

[MissBee]

You won't hear many happy stories because when a happy story gets posted a large group will then make it their vendetta to try and make it negative.

No matter what.

It's the prevailing opinion that we don't deserve to be happy. It gets too exhausting to try and keep up with the posts on one of those threads. I'm pretty happy in my relationship most of the time. I love him, he loves me, there's no way I'd trade it for anything.

 

There are a few threads on here. I'll try and resurrect them if I can find them!

 

I don't think this is necessarily true though.

 

I've browsed "OW only" boards before where no one was there to bash anyone and it was only OW and if that logic were true...then you'd see a lot more happy OW...but in fact, it seemed like they were even less happy than the OW over here. Several reasons could account for that. One for example could be having a place for release...where you get to commiserate and be frustrated without having to defend your relationship. On LS if you say how unhappy you are (but want to stay) most people will advice you to jump ship. What I noticed on that board was that it was a safe place for OW to complain without having to make changes. Which is useful...as people will only change their situation when they're ready and most weren't ready so it was a good place to express those feelings without being told you need to change it.

 

I'm sure there are happy OW...but I think to the question, in general, it's not likely that many people (outside of even As) just going about being happy search out forums for the sake of discussing their joy...it's counter-intuitive.

Edited December 9, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Maybe the question should have been: does affairs usually add to or substract from our happiness.

 

 

 

In other worlds does it make us more or less happy?

 

I think happiness is a transient thing. Happiness, like sadness is an emotion that comes and goes. I judge relationships and my circumstance by my contentedness with it and how much peace, security and nourishment it provides for me mentally, emotionally and spiritually in a holistic sense.

 

I can be happy at any given moment and sad at a next. In my affair, I was happy LOTS of times. I was also frustrated lots of times and hurt lots of times.

 

What I found for myself was that happiness was not the same as contentedness. It was always temporary and didn't make up for the larger problems. Just like a friend of mine in a 5 year A. She is "happy" sometimes in a superficial sense. If for example he sends her a nice text or they sneak away to some hotel, she is glowing about it...but then she is not content overall, as ultimately she wants to marry him and start having kids, and that is not forthcoming.

 

So for me personally...happiness is kind of a superficial marker and can exist in any relationship that's not good or sustainable. But does your A make you content, above all would you not change anything, does it provide you with peace of mind, stability etc? Or is it that it provides you happiness here and there but the happiness is built atop a shaky foundation?

[MissBee]

No, it's true. I can link to at least 5 threads that were designed to be happy threads. Each of those was literally ASSAULTED with attacks and 2 were closed nearly instantly. ut

 

I agree with your other points, but happy threads are NOT welcome.

 

So, I don't post happy threads, no matter how happy I might be, because there's no point unless you are hoping to get baited until you end up infracted.

 

I know what you mean .

 

But I guess I'm trying to think of other sections where you're not in an A and you just post about happiness...I only know maybe 2 or so threads dedicated to that. So I just think it isn't the norm in general.

 

For me personally though, if I wanted to post about my happiness, I'd not do it in the OW/OM section, even if I were in an A...jus cause that invites a certain scrutiny logically. And you're not happy BECAUSE of the A...so technically, you can just post it in Dating or off topic or something saying "My R is so Great" unless you need to say "I am happy in my A". That's what I'd do.

[Realist3]

My A has made me the happiest mofo on Earth! I met the person I was supposed to meet, it just happened a little later in our lives than either of us anticipated. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I am so damn happy.

[veryhappy]

Maybe the question should have been: does affairs usually add to or substract from our happiness.

 

In other worlds does it make us more or less happy?

 

 

In the beginning they add to one's happiness. The dopamine, the falling in love, the excitement to find someone who seems so meant to be. Then, for most, it starts substracting more and more. When one wants a R, the limits and jealously in the A are crushing.

 

If you are asking about happy endings, I read somewhere (and don't remember where) that 20% of Rs overlapped with an old one. That's significant, 1 in 5. Of course most of the times people won't make that public, because not everyone is Jolie stealing Pitt under everyone's eyes.

 

Should an OW hope for a happy ending? No. Better plan for a cliché one, where she's thrown under the biggest bus ever built.

Edited December 9, 2012 by cutedragon

[cocorico]

Maybe the question should have been: does affairs usually add to or substract from our happiness.

 

 

 

In other worlds does it make us more or less happy?

 

In my case, it definitely added to my life, brought me joy of a kind I'd not known before, brought life into sharper focus by making mr consider what I truly valued in life, helped me she'd things I no longer required that weighed me down, taught me to trust and revealed true, lasting love and incandescent passion to me.

[lifeexperience]

Well this isn't my personal experience but it is a happy ending to a relationship that started with them both committed to others. My best friend's father and stepmother started out seeing each other when he was married and she was in a 15 year relationship. They were both unhappy in their current situations. They left and have been married to each other for nearly 10 years now. They are very happy and my friend says it's the best thing that her dad ever did. Just thought I could share a happy ending that I know of! I am sure there are more out there but as everyone here has said, who goes online to say how happy they are that such and such worked out.

[Tessa111]

I think it's rare that an affair makes us happy.

 

I had a two year affair and he left his wife and we now live together and have a child, but the AFFAIR part never made me happy. It was fraught with uncertainty and pain and lies. Even now, I don't like to think about that part and when something happens that reminds me about it, it's like I am traumatised!

 

So even if there is a happy ending as such....affairs when you're truly invested are hard and horrible.

[MissBee]

I think it's rare that an affair makes us happy.

 

I had a two year affair and he left his wife and we now live together and have a child, but the AFFAIR part never made me happy. It was fraught with uncertainty and pain and lies. Even now, I don't like to think about that part and when something happens that reminds me about it, it's like I am traumatised!

 

So even if there is a happy ending as such....affairs when you're truly invested are hard and horrible.

 

 

I totally agree with this.

 

I believe that one can be in an affair, as in relationships overlapping for a short period, then moving on and that RELATIONSHIP makes you happy. But the affair dynamic itself isn't usually conducive to longterm happiness. I believe you can enjoy that person and the relationship you have, but the affair itself makes things more stressful and doesn't add to the appeal. Although maybe for some the specific dynamics of an affair might add to its appeal and even then...is that really happiness? Or just a thrill?

 

Even happy OW, who don't want the MM to leave, usually express some dislike for the nature of the affair dynamic. I think As are unsustainable entities for longterm happiness. One can find happiness in it...like with anything else, but that's not really the same as the A itself bringing happiness usually.