read and give honest s, im not a crybaby

[Ariel21692]

I got with my bf about 3 yrs ago now. I had a little girl when we got together and now I have a little boy with him. He confessed that he was a virgin when we got together and he's a bit curious about other girls. (The man that says he loves me and wants to get married). But I kind of understood that, but I wasnt willing to just let him go. Well at the beginning of the year I found him on dating sites, confronted him, we broke up and he came back crying and apologizing saying he will never do it again.

 

He kept that promise and moved on to a porn problem. Not just fake Hollywood porn but self shots, expose my ex girlfriend type of porn. Like real people, self made porn, live webcam sex, **** like that.

Well I confronted him on this issue also. He said it would stop and all that. He broke his phone and a bunch of drama.

 

We were still having issues and so I told him he needs to just leave and be with other girls (out of anger). He actually left, I was hoping for a fight or "NO BABE YOUR THE ONLY ONE FOR ME" But nope, he left and went on about his life. He said he would keep in-touch and that this would just be a break so WE could get ourselves together.

 

Well after he left I was expecting a call or something, to at least say he missed his son and possibly my daughter. But nothing for the longest. So I wrote him and cussed him out (yes I know it was wrong but I was hurt). So after 4 days of fighting he apologizes and says he wants to come home. Me being a dumbass and sucker and actually loving him I said yes. Now that hes been home for about two weeks, I have been having dreams and visions of his email (never clear of what it is, just his emails).

 

So I hacked his account and the DAY he left he was back on the sites and craigslist and just everywhere. He was writing girls to come over to have sex with him and in the park and talking like hes been single and just being a blatant whore. But as I looked I can see most of the girls declined him, idk if some said yes, but the ones that i saw with replies, the girls denied him.

 

I feel he only came back because he realized its not that easy to find SEX as he thought. I feel he only came back because he wanted to be home not here with me, but missing the amenities and all being near the college and everything else. He said he didnt have a phone, but when I went up there to pick up my son, he had an old Iphone that had wifi and he was using to call people though an internet app. I called my cellphone just to make sure it worked and it did. So he was lying to me saying he had no phone and that he was going to contact me. I dont know what to think or do. I'm falling out of love with him. I think this sex issue will always be an issue and I honestly am afraid to marry him. I dont believe in divorce I take vows seriously and I dont want to make a HUGE mistake. I dont think he came back for the right reasons.

 

 

I know you dont know our whole life story, but just from the little details I displayed can you please just give me an idea of what you would think or do. We are young 22 and 24.

So I am asking for the blatant truth, detailed thoughts would be appreciated.

[Mr. Lucky]

So I am asking for the blatant truth, detailed thoughts would be appreciated.

I guess there are several things we could advise you on:

 

1). How to live with a Cheater - Have him always wear condoms, get yourself regularly tested for STD's, be ready to deal with the kind of perpetual drama you've already experienced.

 

2). How to live with a Liar - Get all his passwords, check his phone/email regularly, GPS his car, be ready to deal with the kind of perpetual drama you've already experienced.

 

3). How to live with a "blatant whore" - ???

 

Even the challenges of life as a single mother with 2 kids would be better than what you've described. A better question than "should I stay" would be "why aren't you already gone ???"

 

Mr. Lucky

[TiredFamilyGuy]

First off, my sympathy for you in this difficult situation.

You are both so young. When I was that age I didn't know what I wanted and didn't have the emotional maturity to make good decisions. Sounds like your BF.

 

There is much that is not included in your post, so I cannot be sure if my thoughts are applicable, but here they are:

 

1) The problem is not porn, it is deceit. He sounds confused about what he wants. You are understandably upset, angry. Anger, however justified, is not the best starting point for frank communication, which is what you two need.

2) Young men watch porn on the Internet. Opinions vary, but personally, I would not be overly concerned unless it showed his tastes were distasteful to you. What you described re porn is not out of bounds IMHO. Dating sites are howver completely over the line. He knows that. Up with that you should not put.

3) You told him to leave and explore - He did. You then told him you wanted contact - he came back. I know, you were reacting - but so was he. Neither of your boundaries are well defined: yours too, otherwise you wouldn't have kids.

4) The decision he must make, is if he wants to and is prepared to commit, become a married man. Only he can make the decision. It *excludes* swanning around pretending he's single. It *includes* an exclusive relationship with the mother of your kids. To me it's a no brainer, but he is young and has to figure this out for himself. Be nice, but lay the alternatives out and ask him, honestly, what is preventing him making this decision that he must make. If the bigges problem is only that he wants more sex than you do, there is room for working it out.

5) Sounds like at one level he wants to commit, and at another he hasn't really understood this means no other women. Porn, don't get too worked up about that unless it displaces you, equally no need to hide the fact that it makes you uncomfortable.

6) You already have two kids. Bit late to start thinking about an ideal basis for marriage. Not too late to work out your issues and have an adequate basis that can become the real deal. You guys need to sit down and have a "His needs of you. Your needs of him" discovery session. His needs of you Will Include Sex - FFS he's 24 - so you have to decide yourself, whether you can fulfil those needs in the marriage.

7) The children, babies really, would be best off with mom and pop. I hope you can work it out.

8) If having been patient and heard each other out he can't decide, you must each move on and this will involve great loss for each of you.

 

Good luck, OP.

Edited December 9, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Ariel21692]

I understand but should I have to go through all that? I dont want to be his mother, I want to be his wife. I shouldnt have to go through those extremes. -_- But I understand what you are saying.

[Ariel21692]

I guess there are several things we could advise you on:

 

1). How to live with a Cheater - Have him always wear condoms, get yourself regularly tested for STD's, be ready to deal with the kind of perpetual drama you've already experienced.

 

2). How to live with a Liar - Get all his passwords, check his phone/email regularly, GPS his car, be ready to deal with the kind of perpetual drama you've already experienced.

 

3). How to live with a "blatant whore" - ???

 

Even the challenges of life as a single mother with 2 kids would be better than what you've described. A better question than "should I stay" would be "why aren't you already gone ???"

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I understand but should I have to go through all that? I dont want to be his mother, I want to be his wife. I shouldnt have to go through those extremes. -_- But I understand what you are saying.

 

I am still with him because this is my second childs father, i dont want to start over again, i truly love him and I just want him to understand

 

And i do worry about contracting something, and to be honest I dont think hes actually cheated, I think he has tried but never actually engaged.

[Ariel21692]

First off, my sympathy for you in this difficult situation.

You are both so young. When I was that age I didn't know what I wanted and didn't have the emotional maturity to make good decisions. Sounds like your BF.

 

There is much that is not included in your post, so I cannot be sure if my thoughts are applicable, but here they are:

 

1) The problem is not porn, it is deceit. He sounds confused about what he wants. You are understandably upset, angry. Anger, however justified, is not the best starting point for frank communication, which is what you two need.

2) Young men watch porn on the Internet. Opinions vary, but personally, I would not be overly concerned unless it showed his tastes were distasteful to you. What you described re porn is not out of bounds IMHO. Dating sites are howver completely over the line. He knows that. Up with that you should not put.

 

The porn does not upset me, its the fact that he watches such REAL porn, no fantasies involved, just normal girls being sluts for the camera. He watches and looks at self shot porn. I do all that I can to satisfy this man, like I dont want to go into details but I have tried new stuff (I was not comfortable with), I dont like giving oral, but I do for him, I do what ever he wants and I never deny him of sex. I have been denied sex but I have never done it to him. He would say he was tired so IDK if he had masturbated before I got home and didnt want to engage, idk to be honest.

 

 

3) You told him to leave and explore - He did. You then told him you wanted contact - he came back. I know, you were reacting - but so was he. Neither of your boundaries are well defined: yours too, otherwise you wouldn't have kids.

 

True I did, but who can just walk away from 3 years and a baby like its nothing? I DID NOT say I wanted him back. In fact I told him no so many times, he showed up at my door, and we talked and he started crying and ****. I just gave in. I did say I wanted him to call & check up on the kids. It wasnt for me in particular.

 

4). If the bigges problem is only that he wants more sex than you do, there is room for working it out.

I dont deny him sex, he was a vigin and he feels he NEEDS to explore other woman.

6) You already have two kids. Bit late to start thinking about an ideal basis for marriage. Not too late to work out your issues and have an adequate basis that can become the real deal. You guys need to sit down and have a "His needs of you. Your needs of him" discovery session. His needs of you Will Include Sex - FFS he's 24 - so you have to decide yourself, whether you can fulfil those needs in the marriage.

He is intentive about marriage,I can wait until we get older. I feel he is trying to lock me down, knowing I wont divorce him. Ideal basis? I want to have a family, one man my children and a home. Im not looking for a storybook ending.

 

This discussion opened my eyes. I figured the answer for myself. I dont need his ****. thanks for the tips i guess.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

So ... he hasn't slept around yet, and wants to marry you, but hasn't quite understood that If he still wants other women it will cost him you and a good relationship with his child.

 

He does need to man up. Btw about amateur porn over what you called Hollywood porn, I am with your bf it is simply sexier and not an issue on its own, but has evidently got him mixing up fantasy and reality.

 

When you ask him, how can he want both things at once (you and all this hidden stuff he denies) what does he say? My guess is he wants both things at different times and ignores his other feelings when in the alternate state of mind).

 

Not much info on his background, his character here, how he is with you other than sex, how he makes a living? .... More details, they may help.

Edited December 9, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Mr. Lucky]

I understand but should I have to go through all that? I dont want to be his mother, I want to be his wife. I shouldnt have to go through those extremes. -_- But I understand what you are saying.

 

I am still with him because this is my second childs father, i dont want to start over again, i truly love him and I just want him to understand

 

And i do worry about contracting something, and to be honest I dont think hes actually cheated, I think he has tried but never actually engaged.

You're wanting him to be something he isn't, as hard as that is for you to accept. With two kids and many years ahead of you, you're looking for a life partner in creating a stable environment in which you can raise your kids. And the qualities that requires - trust, commitment, fidelity, integrity, perseverance - are those he plainly lacks.

 

You're in a tough situation and face some tougher choices. It would certainly be hard, based on what you've posted, for anyone to suggest you invest the next decade trying to mold this guy into what you need...

 

Mr. Lucky