How did I let this happen? I Am A Fool

[Iamafool]

Ok here goes...first time posting please be gentle. I have been having an affair with a MM for 2 years. The situation has so many sides. I have been divorced for a year after a 10+ year marriage. The divorce was not because of the MM it was over before I met him but I will say the relationship gave me a little push. He has been married 20 years and tells me he is going to leave his wife after his youngest kid turns 18. That is 5 years away and I don't think I can hang on. Did I mention we work together so I see him every day. I don't think I can spend anymore holidays alone while he is with his wife pretending everything is fine, much less weekends and every other day of the week. He says he loves me and I do love him. He has also told me he still loves his wife but he loves me more. Seems like he is getting the best of both worlds. He also says he has little to no intimacy with his wife. I get sick and my heart hurts at the thought of them together, either intimately or just spending time together. I know this whole situation is wrong I don't need to be preached or lectured to. I want out and am slowly pulling away but WOW it hurts so bad. I wish I had more strength and courage. I can definitely look for another job but it will take some time so I am stuck seeing him every day.

[skywriter]

Ok here goes...first time posting please be gentle. I have been having an affair with a MM for 2 years. The situation has so many sides. I have been divorced for a year after a 10+ year marriage. The divorce was not because of the MM it was over before I met him but I will say the relationship gave me a little push. He has been married 20 years and tells me he is going to leave his wife after his youngest kid turns 18. That is 5 years away and I don't think I can hang on. Did I mention we work together so I see him every day. I don't think I can spend anymore holidays alone while he is with his wife pretending everything is fine, much less weekends and every other day of the week. He says he loves me and I do love him. He has also told me he still loves his wife but he loves me more. Seems like he is getting the best of both worlds. He also says he has little to no intimacy with his wife. I get sick and my heart hurts at the thought of them together, either intimately or just spending time together. I know this whole situation is wrong I don't need to be preached or lectured to. I want out and am slowly pulling away but WOW it hurts so bad. I wish I had more strength and courage. I can definitely look for another job but it will take some time so I am stuck seeing him every day.

 

 

Hi IAAF,

 

Welcome, and thank you for sharing your story.

From what you've explained in your post, you were in a vulnerable state of mind when you first got involved with the MM.

 

I' ve learned from my experience in an A, that being emotionally vulnerable makes you an easy target, for someone who's marriage might be a bit stale/dull/lacking in something.

 

First and foremost, do not believe the line about leaving in 5 years. That is just his way of keeping you around, wishing, hoping and waiting.

 

You should try and prove a point to yourself starting this next holiday. Don't allow yourself to spend it alone. Whatever it takes to prove that you are seriously making changes, do it for you.

 

I tried your angle of slowing pulling away, and it was unsuccessful for me. I had to cut the cord and cut all contact with the MM. In your case, working with him....I hate that for you.

 

It's going into the seventh month of no contact and I don't regret having gotten out of the emotionally toxic situation.

[Iamafool]

Thank you. I am trying so hard. I have always known deep down that even after those years pass he will stay with her. The thing is I am not sure I would even want him full time so why is it so painful to let go? This is going to be my first holiday season post divorce so I will be completely alone. I don't have any family close and very few friends, none that I am close enough to be with on Christmas. I need to find some way to occupy all my free time I think that would help.

[ComingInHot]

End it. It is tearing you apart inside! Do WHATEVER you have to do to end it now.

Every ending means a New Beginning and that is something I believe is true for everyone*

 

You made a poor choice. You stated it was wrong. Now fix it. Do Not let the images of him w/his family haunt you but let them empower you to move forward.

 

Address what is a struggle w/in you w/a councelor or support person, then resolve to strengthen yourself.

 

If you are strong enough to come onto LS and share your story then you are strong enough to do anything!

[Iamafool]

I am so glad I found this forum. I am gaining strength from the words I am hearing even though I have always known deep down that this would never work out. Thank you for not being judgmental or cruel I am not sure I have the emotional capacity to handle any more hurt.

I did very good over the weekend it was not NC yet but definitely much less than normal. Every time I felt the urge to contact him I just started reading threads and taking to heart all the advice and words of wisdom. It's funny how isolated and alone I feel but yet there are so many with the same exact story lines as mine!

Thanks again, hopefully tomorrow is a good day! At least I am not crying myself to sleep tonight.

[promises]

Ok here goes...first time posting please be gentle. I have been having an affair with a MM for 2 years. The situation has so many sides. I have been divorced for a year after a 10+ year marriage. The divorce was not because of the MM it was over before I met him but I will say the relationship gave me a little push. He has been married 20 years and tells me he is going to leave his wife after his youngest kid turns 18. That is 5 years away and I don't think I can hang on. Did I mention we work together so I see him every day. I don't think I can spend anymore holidays alone while he is with his wife pretending everything is fine, much less weekends and every other day of the week. He says he loves me and I do love him. He has also told me he still loves his wife but he loves me more. Seems like he is getting the best of both worlds. He also says he has little to no intimacy with his wife. I get sick and my heart hurts at the thought of them together, either intimately or just spending time together. I know this whole situation is wrong I don't need to be preached or lectured to. I want out and am slowly pulling away but WOW it hurts so bad. I wish I had more strength and courage. I can definitely look for another job but it will take some time so I am stuck seeing him every day.

 

I'm a just a little farther removed from the affair then you, so I know exactly where you are coming from right now. What I am learning is that the hurt, the intense hurt is mostly due to lack of control over the situation. If you think about it, you are never really in any control with him. Never can call, never can just stop by, never can have a helping hand at a whim when something breaks in your home. Never can, as you said, have his hand in yours on any holiday. I remember how extremely awful my birthday felt without him and how his texts that day I ignored.. until I couldn't resist letting him know how bad it sucked and that I didn't want to feel this way over the holidays.

 

Well, I don't want to feel that way anymore and that is what is in my control. Keep asking questions... do your research.. hold onto your gumption.