my boyfriend

[kim]

hi well I have been dating bill for almost 7 months. He is 22 and I am 20. The problem that I am having is that he goes out to the bars, and says that he is trying to help his friends talk to girls, but he says that he isn't looking for himself. I somewhat believe him, considering that we have a lot of fun with each other, and I can tell that he cares about me. I just have problems trusting people, especially guys. And since I'm not 21 I can't go to the bars with him. I am just looking for some advice, in mellowing out, and not letting this bother me so much. He doesn't know that I am concerned about this. I really do care about him, and I want to continue seeing him, I just don't want my insecurities to ruin our relationship. Anyone that has some advice I would appreciate it.

 

thanks,

 

kim

[Heather]

I don't know where you live but, around my way there are some bars where you have to be 18 to get in but, 21 to drink! If there are some around your way then try and see if he will take you with him to one of those. It's a compromise that might work. He still gets to go to bars, and you get to spend time with him while hes doing it!

 

Try it!

 

Good luck

 

Heather

[Tony T]

I'm a man and I really wouldn't feel good about a girl I was dating going out to bars and helping her friends pick up men. It just doesn't sound like a classy thing to do.

 

If your boyfriend has platonic friends that are girls and chooses to introduce them to his male friends, now that's another story.

 

If you trust your boyfriend, you don't really need to worry about this too much. But if your boyfriend is so good at picking up girls and enjoys doing this so much for his friends, I would say that sounds a little fishy.

 

Assuming he has gone out with his buds a few times birddogging ladies for them, if he is that great he should have found all his friends girls by now. If not, he should have taught them the necessary skills so they can do it on their own. Frankly, most men to not have advance people to do this for them...they do it themselves.

 

Do you have girlfriends yourself that you could offer to introduce to your guy's friends?

 

I think it is disrespectful to you for him to make a habit of this. Also, even if you were able to go with him, I think considering the nature of his activities, you would probably hinder him if he is really seeking out girls for his friends.

 

Let him know you feel really uneasy with this and tell him you hope all this is wrapped up within a week or two. Let him know you aren't willing to have a boyfriend who considers picking up girls for his friends more important than being with you.

 

I am sorry I can't offer you any advice to make you feel better about this because, quite frankly, as I write I am getting pretty pissed at your boyfriend. I don't think what he is doing is respectful to you, his relationship, and it certainly isn't helping his friends stand on their own to feet. Also, if he has to do this continuously, it could last a long long time.

 

To be honest, he must really enjoy picking up girls himself...or why would he so generously volunteer his time to his buds for such a purpose.

 

If he doesn't stop soon, ditch him. I smell trouble here.

[kim]

well he has been out with them a few times trying to pick up women. I really don't feel comfortable with it. He even told me about three girls at a bar the other night, that two were "scary" and the other one "wasn't bad". He told me that his friend davie just needs someone to show him how it is done, but he isn't going to be the one to show him. I just feel that he is lying to me, and I am just afraid that he is going to find someone new for himself. I probably shouldnt put up with it, and just break up with him, but we have a lot of great times together, and I would be miserable without him in my life. I mentioned the other day that one of my friends might like to date one of his, and he seemed to like that idea. Since we have been going out with each other he has been the only guy the he hangs out with that is dating anyone. So he has been trying to find them dates. It hasn't worked so far. Anyway I am rambling on.

[Tony T]

You need to communicate your feelings and displeasure with your boyfriend. I am on YOUR side. Posting here is great...but will never substitute for direct communication with your boyfriend.

 

If he doesn't respect your feelings in this matter and subscribe to a compromise in ending this activity within another few outings, then I think you have to seriously review this relationship.

 

Again, he is NOT doing a very good job of making you feel special by going out and picking of up girls...even if it's for his friends and not for him. My feeling is that these girls are initially responding to HIM and NOT HIS FRIENDS.

 

This really stinks!!!

[kim]

thanks again. I am going to talk to him about it. I really think that I have a right to be concerned about this. And I guess if he gets mad at me, for bringing it up then I don't need to be with him anyway.

[Deejette]

Good, that's the spirit. I think that "charity" story about helping some other guy pick up girls is not cool. Why is it his problem if his friend can't pick up girls? Even if he acts as the decoy to lure girls to his friend, he is still out there giving girls the eye, chatting them up, etc.

thanks again. I am going to talk to him about it. I really think that I have a right to be concerned about this. And I guess if he gets mad at me, for bringing it up then I don't need to be with him anyway.