My son is recovering, wife won't accept it

[HiYa'll]

Hi and thanks in advance for reading.

 

I know these kinds of posts can become quite long so I will try to boil it down to the bare bones.

 

My son, 23, is a heroin addict and has been addicted to one substance or other since age 12. I did my best to help in the beginning but ultimately realized the only way to help was to cut him off completely so he could experience all the negatives of addiction. He became homeless ended up in jail for 3 months. Is now out of jail, living in a halfway house for 5 months and has maintained his sobriety for all of the 8 months.

 

Now that he seems to be progressing well, I spend more time with him. He is making sense when we talk. He looks better and really seems determined to turn his life around. Still I do realize 8 months is a relatively short period of time.

 

When my son was doing badly, my wife (not his mother), was somewhat helpful in discussing scenarios, agreeing to spend money for rehab, etc. But now that he is clean she wants to have nothing to do with him and would really prefer that I not as well. I really enjoy our time together...really our first opportunity to have a relationship since he was a teen. My wife won't allow him in our house even when she is not home. She won't go to other relative's houses for holiday celebrations if he is there. She has said she may never be comfortable with him and ultimately I may have "to cut him loose" or lose her. My son did bad things in the midst of the addiction. Stole and wrecked our car. Stole money and valuables from family members. All the things addicts do. But he seems to really be making a change for the better. I want to offer hm support...plus I just like spending time with him, my wife says he is just making a fool out of me again. I don't expect my wife to welcome him with open arms but at the same time if she has no contact with him she also has no sense of when he has made improvements. It's very frustrating.

 

Thanks!

[BetheButterfly]

Hi and thanks in advance for reading.

 

I know these kinds of posts can become quite long so I will try to boil it down to the bare bones.

 

My son, 23, is a heroin addict and has been addicted to one substance or other since age 12. I did my best to help in the beginning but ultimately realized the only way to help was to cut him off completely so he could experience all the negatives of addiction. He became homeless ended up in jail for 3 months. Is now out of jail, living in a halfway house for 5 months and has maintained his sobriety for all of the 8 months.

 

Now that he seems to be progressing well, I spend more time with him. He is making sense when we talk. He looks better and really seems determined to turn his life around. Still I do realize 8 months is a relatively short period of time.

 

When my son was doing badly, my wife (not his mother), was somewhat helpful in discussing scenarios, agreeing to spend money for rehab, etc. But now that he is clean she wants to have nothing to do with him and would really prefer that I not as well. I really enjoy our time together...really our first opportunity to have a relationship since he was a teen. My wife won't allow him in our house even when she is not home. She won't go to other relative's houses for holiday celebrations if he is there. She has said she may never be comfortable with him and ultimately I may have "to cut him loose" or lose her. My son did bad things in the midst of the addiction. Stole and wrecked our car. Stole money and valuables from family members. All the things addicts do. But he seems to really be making a change for the better. I want to offer hm support...plus I just like spending time with him, my wife says he is just making a fool out of me again. I don't expect my wife to welcome him with open arms but at the same time if she has no contact with him she also has no sense of when he has made improvements. It's very frustrating.

 

Thanks!

 

I'm so glad he is doing better!!! I think your wife needs time to trust that he is doing well. Hopefully he continues to turn his life around. It'd be awesome if by this time next year, he is doing so much better and your wife sees that and rejoices with you!!! :bunny:

[2sunny]

It's on your son to repair the damage he's done.

 

Has he done all his step work? Has he repaid you and all for the things he stole? Has he repaid you for rehab and all the things you paid out to help him?

 

That is part of step 9! Setting things right - it is what HE should be DOING! Even if he's paying $5.00 a week - it shows intent to make progress!

 

When he starts taking action that repairs the damage he caused - he might earn trust back.

 

Is he working?

 

Are you still paying his way? If so, stop that. He needs to learn to stand on his own.

 

Step away for a long while - he has a LOT of work to do and it may take years.

 

Family members are normally one of the biggest triggers for relapse... Especially the ones that always controlled things while the using was active. They try to make everything look pretty - or better than it is.

 

Love him from afar - he needs room to FIND HIMSELF... That includes working and becoming proud of HIS accomplishments. Failing at some things is part of the learning PROCESS - he doesn't really fail as long as he keeps moving forward and learns from the mis steps that he will make.

 

Don't get involved - he needs to work on changing EVERYTHING - including himself.

 

Focus on your wife. She may feel you have betrayed her. You need to repair that.

 

She will soften as your son makes progress.

Edited December 11, 2012 by 2sunny

[CC12]

Your wife should be allowing you to pursue whatever kind of relationship you want with your son. And you should allow the same for her, even if that means she'll have nothing to do with him.

 

I don't blame your wife, honestly. Other than the whole hypothetical "choose him or me" thing, I don't think she's doing anything wrong. Your son burned some bridges when he screwed you guys over all those times, and she's not ready to forgive him. Don't try to force it on her.

 

I don't expect my wife to welcome him with open arms but at the same time if she has no contact with him she also has no sense of when he has made improvements.

Why can't she just hear weekly/monthly/as needed updates from you? Why is it so important to you that she actually witnesses these things when she's clearly not ready to?

 

And, not to be a dick, and not to undermine your son's progress, but I personally wouldn't be all that impressed by 8 months of sobriety under close supervision and mandatory weekly piss tests. It is a great thing that he hasn't used in 8 months, cheers to that, but what about when he gets out and is free to live his life however he chooses? It's way too common that addicts go right back to using, and that's probably exactly what your wife is afraid of.

 

I think you should let it rest for now. Continue your good relationship with your son, no pressuring others to do the same. Let your son's accomplishments speak for themselves - when he gets a job, a bank account, a car, an apartment, etc. When your son really gets stable, then maybe your wife will be more open to him being around. Give her some time. Your son has been wrecking relationships for years now. You forgave him relatively easily (of course, because you're his father) but not everyone else will.

[BetheButterfly]

Your wife should be allowing you to pursue whatever kind of relationship you want with your son. And you should allow the same for her, even if that means she'll have nothing to do with him.

 

I don't blame your wife, honestly. Other than the whole hypothetical "choose him or me" thing, I don't think she's doing anything wrong. Your son burned some bridges when he screwed you guys over all those times, and she's not ready to forgive him. Don't try to force it on her.

 

Why can't she just hear weekly/monthly/as needed updates from you? Why is it so important to you that she actually witnesses these things when she's clearly not ready to?

 

And, not to be a dick, and not to undermine your son's progress, but I personally wouldn't be all that impressed by 8 months of sobriety under close supervision and mandatory weekly piss tests. It is a great thing that he hasn't used in 8 months, cheers to that, but what about when he gets out and is free to live his life however he chooses? It's way too common that addicts go right back to using, and that's probably exactly what your wife is afraid of.

 

I think you should let it rest for now. Continue your good relationship with your son, no pressuring others to do the same. Let your son's accomplishments speak for themselves - when he gets a job, a bank account, a car, an apartment, etc. When your son really gets stable, then maybe your wife will be more open to him being around. Give her some time. Your son has been wrecking relationships for years now. You forgave him relatively easily (of course, because you're his father) but not everyone else will.

 

It does take time to rebuild trust, that's for sure. Trust doesn't happen overnight when someone has violated it in some way. Stealing and lying both make trust go away and yeah, it takes a bit for the person to trust again a person who stole and/or lied to them.

[HiYa'll]

Thanks Everyone!

 

I really appreciate the responses and I can use all of this advice. Obviously even here there are some diverging opinions which I think is healthy but also speak to the complexities of dealing with an addict.

 

I do everything I can to have a relationship with my son without crossing over to enabling behavior. It's a very easy line to cross...but, for instance, I do not pay his way for very much at all. We have a weekly "date" to have a meal together and then we might see a movie...in those cases I generally give him $20 pocket money but no more. But he has asked me to pay his rent ($170/wk at the halfway house) which I won't do. I want him to become an independent and capable adult at some point and me providing him a soft cushion every time he stumbles won't do that.

 

Good points about giving my wife space and time. The veiled ultimatum that I might have to choose one or the other came out in the heat of an argument so I will monitor to see if that is really her position.

 

And good points that 8 months is still very much the beginning of the recovery process. Long way to go yet.

 

I am pretty sure he has not seriously begun a 12-step program. I have mentioned it and suggested that is ultimately a good way to regain trust, to the extent that's possible. But that's up to him too...we'll see where he gets.

 

Once again...thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. Very helpful insights.

[2sunny]

Stop giving him any money!

 

He needs to do that for himself!

 

If he hasn't shown evidence of changing EVERYTHING in his life - there's no reason to take him out.

 

He needs step work and a full time job.

 

 

Your relationship can mend later after his awakening.

 

For you to socialize with him now gives him the idea that he's done 'enough' which he hasn't. Step away - ALL his time right now should be spent working and DOING step work with a sponsor.

 

I speak from experience of working with hundreds of people in the program.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks Everyone!

 

I really appreciate the responses and I can use all of this advice. Obviously even here there are some diverging opinions which I think is healthy but also speak to the complexities of dealing with an addict.

 

I do everything I can to have a relationship with my son without crossing over to enabling behavior. It's a very easy line to cross...but, for instance, I do not pay his way for very much at all. We have a weekly "date" to have a meal together and then we might see a movie...in those cases I generally give him $20 pocket money but no more. But he has asked me to pay his rent ($170/wk at the halfway house) which I won't do. I want him to become an independent and capable adult at some point and me providing him a soft cushion every time he stumbles won't do that.

 

Good points about giving my wife space and time. The veiled ultimatum that I might have to choose one or the other came out in the heat of an argument so I will monitor to see if that is really her position.

 

And good points that 8 months is still very much the beginning of the recovery process. Long way to go yet.

 

I am pretty sure he has not seriously begun a 12-step program. I have mentioned it and suggested that is ultimately a good way to regain trust, to the extent that's possible. But that's up to him too...we'll see where he gets.

 

Once again...thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. Very helpful insights.

 

I think that it's great that you are not paying his rent. If he needs money, it might be good to ask your friends if he can do some work for them, like mow the lawn or help painting or something like that (while they are there with them).

 

I 100% agree with 2Sunny that he needs a job and to become a responsible adult.

 

I don't think you should step away from him though. I think he really needs you to show you care by spending time with him. I think it's fine for you to go see a movie and eat with him, and I guess it's ok to give him money. My Dad always does that He's so sweet. I'm a married lady now and yet when I saw him at his Dad's (my Grandpa's) funeral, he gave me money and told me to buy a gas can (and fill it with gas) so that if an emergency ever happened, my hubby and I could drive all the way from where we live to where my parents live. :love: My Dad has a very strong paternal instinct and wants to protect and provide for his children even though they are all grown up now and half of us live far away from the "nest."

 

It might be a good idea that instead of giving him $, you could take him to a store and ask if he needs anything, and buy what he needs? I actually think that'd be a better idea.

 

DON'T EVER STOP TELLING HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM, THAT YOU BELIEVE IN HIM AND THAT HE CAN MOST DEFINITELY FIGHT THE DESIRE TO TAKE DRUGS AND INSTEAD REPLACE THAT DESIRE WITH THINGS THAT DON'T HURT HIM!!! Don't ever turn your back on him, but be there for him. That doesn't mean to give him money or enable him, but it means that he knows you care and you want him to be healthy, happy, and a responsible adult!

 

Hopefully with time your wife will come around. If she gives you an ultimatum, I advise to tell her that you love her and you also love your son and it's a painful and cruel thing to make you choose between the 2 of them, but your son needs you. (After all, a big reason your son exists is by your doing your part in the reproduction process.) Hopefully with time your wife will support him emotionally too and rejoice as time grows that your son becomes independent from drugs!!!

Edited December 12, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[BetheButterfly]

Stop giving him any money!

 

He needs to do that for himself!

 

If he hasn't shown evidence of changing EVERYTHING in his life - there's no reason to take him out.

 

He needs step work and a full time job.

 

 

Your relationship can mend later after his awakening.

 

For you to socialize with him now gives him the idea that he's done 'enough' which he hasn't. Step away - ALL his time right now should be spent working and DOING step work with a sponsor.

 

I speak from experience of working with hundreds of people in the program.

 

I think he needs his Dad's emotional support and time with his Dad in order to help motivate him to be independent from drugs. So, while I agree with the fulltime job and not paying for his rent, I don't agree with his Dad stepping away. I think most of his time should be spent working with a sponsor, but I also think he needs to be able to have at least a once a week time to socialize with his Dad and enjoy a movie and food with him. I think that's precious. It would be awesome if he could see his real Mom too and feel her love and emotional support while working with a sponsor too. Parents have very important roles in the well-being of their children, even their adult children. My parents are best friends of mine, both of them, and it would be great if this guy grew in experiencing friendship with his Dad, instead of searching for friendship back in the drug crowd.

[melodymatters]

Ok, I so didn't want to get into this here, but my now 19 yr old daughter is also a heroin addict. I recently found out. She started college at 15 and was a 4.0 student. Then she met a diabetic who LOVED drugs, and with the easy accessibilty to needles, well they soon became addicts.

 

During this time, they burned through my daughters 10k college fund that MY grandparents, her great grandparents, left her. She stole endless items from my parents, threatened my mother with physical harm and even hit her once. Since my husband and I moved back this Oct ( partially to try and help her ), she stole precious things from me to pawn : Including mine and my late husbands wedding rings, which to me had a value that can not be monetarily replaced. ALL TO BUY HEROIN.

 

Just last week,I cut her out of my life. Completely. I said that unless you get straight, you no longer exist in my life as I do not take abuse from ANYONE, and I don't allow liars and thieves in my life.

 

Now MY PARENTS, are the major enablers in this case. She applied for food stamps, just to sell them for drugs, so they bring her food. They fix her car, and give her money when she calls crying saying she's trying to detox on her own ( won't go into anyplace) but she can't and feels so horrible, can they just give her 20 bucks for 2 bags ? AND THEY DO IT ?!?

 

Now *I* get accused of not being a caring mother and not loving my daughter. I just have a lot more experience with addicts sadly and know she isn't changing a thing until she ends up in jail, the hospital or the morgue.

 

She isn't my daughter anymore, she's a drug zombie who would steal and likely kill for her next fix.

 

I sorta feel like I'm thread jacking, but I also feel like you are hearing from another parent who is IN the situation. We all have our own reactions to horrid things like this. Beththebutterfly is more like my parents: " If they have someone who cares about them, maybe it will be easier for them to heal", then there is 2sunny who is a recovering addict herself who seems to agree more with me.

 

I am glad your son has come this far. May he continue.

 

I understand your wife's perspective.

 

I understand yours, and you alone can make this decision but knowledge is power, so know thine enemy.

[BetheButterfly]

Ok, I so didn't want to get into this here, but my now 19 yr old daughter is also a heroin addict. I recently found out. She started college at 15 and was a 4.0 student. Then she met a diabetic who LOVED drugs, and with the easy accessibilty to needles, well they soon became addicts.

 

During this time, they burned through my daughters 10k college fund that MY grandparents, her great grandparents, left her. She stole endless items from my parents, threatened my mother with physical harm and even hit her once. Since my husband and I moved back this Oct ( partially to try and help her ), she stole precious things from me to pawn : Including mine and my late husbands wedding rings, which to me had a value that can not be monetarily replaced. ALL TO BUY HEROIN.

 

Just last week,I cut her out of my life. Completely. I said that unless you get straight, you no longer exist in my life as I do not take abuse from ANYONE, and I don't allow liars and thieves in my life.

 

Now MY PARENTS, are the major enablers in this case. She applied for food stamps, just to sell them for drugs, so they bring her food. They fix her car, and give her money when she calls crying saying she's trying to detox on her own ( won't go into anyplace) but she can't and feels so horrible, can they just give her 20 bucks for 2 bags ? AND THEY DO IT ?!?

 

Now *I* get accused of not being a caring mother and not loving my daughter. I just have a lot more experience with addicts sadly and know she isn't changing a thing until she ends up in jail, the hospital or the morgue.

 

She isn't my daughter anymore, she's a drug zombie who would steal and likely kill for her next fix.

 

I sorta feel like I'm thread jacking, but I also feel like you are hearing from another parent who is IN the situation. We all have our own reactions to horrid things like this. Beththebutterfly is more like my parents: " If they have someone who cares about them, maybe it will be easier for them to heal", then there is 2sunny who is a recovering addict herself who seems to agree more with me.

 

I am glad your son has come this far. May he continue.

 

I understand your wife's perspective.

 

I understand yours, and you alone can make this decision but knowledge is power, so know thine enemy.

 

Well, I have never touched illegal drugs, and one of the reasons is because my parents taught me not to do them. I couldn't imagine my parents turning their backs on me (nor me or my sisters turning our backs on our parents), but then, I have never given them cause to do so.

 

I don't mean for the Dad to enable his son to do drugs. I don't see socializing with one's child (going out to eat and to a movie) to be paying for a person's livelihood.

 

I am not like your parents who give her money to do drugs or pay for her car. I think your parents should take her to a rehabilitation center instead of giving her any money. All I am advocating for is the parents' emotional support and time with their offspring, to show love and to give them a reason to fight for their freedom from drug slavery.

 

Back to the OP, from what I understand, his son has been sober for 8 months. Hopefully that is the truth. I do agree with 2sunny that he needs to be working with a sponsor and have a full-time job. However, as a woman who has a great relationship with my parents, I also know the priceless value of knowing my parents love and care for me. Their love helped me never consider doing drugs.

 

People are diverse though. Maybe being considered a zombie instead of a daughter is just what your daughter needs to prove to you she is a wonderful human being who will break free from the slavery of drug addiction.

 

I have friends who were addicted to meth. It was really hard for them to unaddict, but with love and emotional support both from their families, friends WHO DON'T DO DRUGS, and the Celebrate Recovery group at church, they are free, and its' a continual daily process for them. I don't envy them the process they endured or the pain their families have suffered, but I do know the power of family love.

Edited December 12, 2012 by BetheButterfly