ringo Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 A spouse having an emotional affair (lengthly) or a physical affair (one night stand)? I say one-night stand because "most" emotional affairs tend to lead to physical affairs... so had to specify here.... My friend and I have been discussing this. Her husband had an emotional affair for months w/OW because he claims he can't communicate with his wife or what ever the reason. He says no sex was involved, she thinks otherwise. My situation is that my H had one night stands. Multiple yes... but there was no emotion involved with any of these women. No phone numbers exchanged, nothing. Just sex and they were done. We both are working on our marriages, and bonding with each other for support. But I wondered how others view this question. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Emotional affair is worse than just a sexual (one night stand) affair in my opinion. In an emotional affair you usually have some form of bond between the two people and this type of relationship seems so much more intimate to me than someone that just acted on their primal whims and had sex with someone else. I'm not saying that either are acceptable but if my husband told me he had been having an emotional affair with a woman I would feel more betrayed because that meant we were missing something in the basic foundation of our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 There is no better or worse scenario. Cheating is cheating and I prefer NONE of it. The damage is the disregard for your feelings and disrespect of your vows- there is no better or worse case scenario in my eyes. Either way pain and damage are inflicted and though healing can occur- the actions can never be undone. P.S. I am glad you are trying to work thry this and though I'm sorry your friend had to go thru this too -I'm glad you both have someone who can truly sympathize. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterfly_Queen Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I agree with the 2 above posters. Cheating is cheating period. Emotional affairs in my opinon are worse because of the bond formed. 2 people connecting on an emotional level other than physical. Damge is caused no matter what kind of affair, but the emotional one to me is the worse, because it gets you in the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ringo Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 That mulitple one night stands should be more forgiveable or easier to forgive than one lengthy emotional affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Like I said- they are equally heinous in my eyes Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 "One night stands" are usually the easiest breach of trust to recover from. Or so ivillage tells me. They're not the deal breakers that a long involved affair can be. However Ringo, your husband has had MULTIPLE affairs, with multiple people. Can you really trust anything he tells you? Men tend to say "It was just sex" because they feel somehow that excuses it, while women say "I LOVED him" because they feel THAT excuses it. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 It is hard for me to answer this b/c dh had an emotional A that turned into having a physical A w/ the OW. I agree, cheating is cheating. If I had to choose between a physical A and an emotional A I would choose to have the emotional A. There is nothing worse (in my eyes) to know that some OW knows what my dh is like in bed (even though he slept w/ others but that was b4 I even knew him). Knowing that he has been w/ another sexually in our marriage kills me. I didn't want to be spending our 25th, 30th, 40th, 50th, anniversary (if he doesn't screw up again) knowing that I had never wanted to be w/ another man in our entire marriage but he was w/ another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
veronese Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Hi Ringo, I'm really sorry you're going through such a horrible time. It's so hard to handle isn't it? My husband had emotional affairs (see the post "I'm trying to survive the nightmare of husband's emotional affairs, do you think I can?") and am four months down the line. I have be astounded by the depth of my pain and the severity of emotions, a rollercoaster is an understatement! A feeling of calm descended upon me about 10 days ago which was a relief as the previous three weeks were horrendous. I couldn't stop thinking, couldn't stop checking things and began to suspect insanity was becoming a distinct possibility! I knew that living without trust would be extremely difficult but the daily grind of wondering if he was/is still lying to me was torture. But I'd been honest with him about not coping with the situation and that I couldn't face many more days feeling like that. I'd reached the point where the pain of living without him began to look less painful than staying with him! Fortunately last Monday morning the cloud lifted. But to answer your question - emotional or physical? My H had emotional, 'friendly' relationships with three women, which were flirtatious but not physically sexual (allegedly!) and were long term. I can't describe how truly truly dreadful these past months have been, it's already been said but a betrayal and deception is horrendous whichever one it is. I found it interesting that some friends believed that I was trying to forgive him and continue being in our marriage because he had said he hadn't been unfaithful physically. They asked how I would feel if sex had been involved they were very sceptical and doubtful he was being honest and that I was being an bit of a fool to believe him. The thing is Ringo, what he had done was serious enough to end our marriage. What bugged me though was the worry that he was lying about it, because I also found it a bit hard to believe! He maintains there wasn't any sex, but I do wonder..... Anyway, I used to think a one night stand would be easier to recover from than a longer term emotional affair, but I'm not so sure now. An impulsive, isolated betrayal I think is natural in some ways, it's horrible and disloyal but we are all human and we do make mistakes. I would want to forgive but couldn't guarantee success. Multiple one-night stands however are disrespectful and I would imagine could become habitual. It would certainly be harder to resolve. Emotional longer term affairs hurt because of the level of deceit, the number of lies that have been told. I looked back over the years, confused and bemused by my H's ability to lie so easily to me. The fact that he didn't stop and think "God, what am I doing? I've got to stop being friends with A, B or C, I don't want to lose my wife and kids, I love them too much". Even though he knew these women could wreck our marriage and damage our children he didn't bloody stop seeing them. Try as I might there's no getting round the fact that he gambled something that I considered so precious. But.... even though I think any affair is inexcusable and potentially permanently damaging to marriages, I am relieved that I don't have to imagine my H having sex with them. Our lovemaking has resumed (after a fairly brief break) and is as tender and fulfilling as before. To know for sure that he had shared himself physically with them could have seriously affected our sex life. I believe lovemaking is beautiful, another aspect of giving yourself to another in love. I don't think our marriage would continue indefinitely without it, it bonds us, strengthens us. The thought of those sluts sharing such intimacy with him would be yet another thing to overcome. I don't think that answers your question Ringo, it all hurts like hell!! I hope things improve for you soon, just try to be brave. I know how hard each day is, it's a struggle, an uphill battle. Taking a shower often helps me, writing a journal helped a lot too. I write sometimes the entire night, letters to him, to them, to my friends, to myself, then don't send them. My emotions are so unpredictable and intense they change from one day to the next. Good luck Ringo, take care of YOU, Thinking of you Veronese x Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 There is no better or worse scenario. Cheating is cheating and I prefer NONE of it. I agree with Fayebelle. Link to post Share on other sites
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