Can a cheater change?? Should I draw the final curtain on this relationship?

[blueyzjullz]

I have been dating who I thought was my soul mate for the last 10 months. It has over-all been wonderful! There have been major obstacles we've faced. When I met him I didn't know he was an alcoholic until later, but by then he was fully into AA and working the program successfully.

 

He admitted to me early on that he had previously cheated on other women he'd been in relationships with. Because of this, I have been overly cautious. We broke up in April because he lied to me about returning contact from an ex-girlfriend who he claimed was visiting her dying mother. He told me about her contacting him via email, but said he had no plans on returning contact. He called her, and never told me that he had decided to contact her. I only found out about it when we were returning from dinner one night and she was walking up his steps to visit him (at 11:30 at night). He claimed that she must've seen his car in the driveway and thought he was there and decided to stop by. And when we went inside he checked his cell phone and said, "Yep, that was her...she left a message." When I questioned how she got his cell phone number, he claimed she must've had it for the last few years...I didn't buy it and later on checked his Outgoing log and sure enough, he had contacted her. I was devastated and left him. I didn't speak to him for a month and had no plans to...

 

He is a master of words and always says the exact thing I need to hear from him to just MELT! He emailed me and told him that I had no reason to be jealous over her or the other women that I had been having issues with (ex-girlfriends, flirting co-workers, etc.) We reconciled, but I am still suspicious and found that he had kept the Yahoo Personals subscription he signed up for while we were broken up. I never found anything to definitely tell me that he had met anyone. No saved matches, no emails, but I did find after he deleted Messenger in a neat little file called YPager.exe that he contacted (but they didn't reply back) to someone on the list of "matches" that Yahoo thought would be perfect for him. He got rid of his subscription, deleted the chat program, and quit going and looking at the Personals two weeks ago...he claims he doesn't remember contacting the one woman, and he must've done it during an evening he had been drinking.

 

I am not sure where to go from here. He claims that he's never cheated, but if he lies about stupid little issues, I figure he'd lie about that. He claims that I AM his soul mate...he has tried to live without me several times and just can't let go. He said that yes, he had cheated on people in his past, but he had matured and realized that other women aren't what he wants...I am...He claims that he is ready to quit drinking, ready to come to church with me and ready to have a life with only me...FOREVER.

 

Having broken things off a few days ago, I have been listening when he calls, but I am not committing as of yet to ANYTHING. I am not sure what to do. I LOVE THIS MAN...but I love myself enough to not set myself up for heartbreak. Reading this post, I am thinking, "If I was commenting to this person, I'd say LEAVE HIM!" I am a successful educator, I have a master's degree and a 9-yr-old son. I have a lot going for me, and being alone is not a fear of mine. Yet, I can't easily walk away from this man. Except for the drinking (he wants to quit), and the past womanizing (he claims that he has no desire to be with anyone else), things are soooo good between us. When it is good, it is HEAVENLY!!!!

 

ANY advice from someone who's been here would be appreciated. Thanks!

[faux]

You obviously do not trust this man. You spy on him, and you seem to be constantly looking for him to do something wrong. One who looks for trouble finds trouble, or makes trouble of nothing. I doubt that you love this man seeing as you cannot have any trust for him.

 

I have to admit, that your description of snooping on the computer freaked me out. To me, the situation sounds a little stalker-ish and gave me chills.

 

If another woman had posted the same thing, and you read this, I'm certain you'd find her somewhat foolish to remain in this relationship. Seeing as you are the woman in this instance, it may be difficult for you to see things from other perspectives. If your descriptions are accurate, this guy is a jerk, and you are paranoid and cannot trust him. Is there even a relationship?

[ringo]

I believe that everyone of us has the ability to change and grow to become a better person. We can all learn lessons from our own lives as well as the lives of others. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes - it's how we learn from these mistakes, and how we change that will prevent the mistakes from repeating.

 

But I also believe that we cannot change someone else. We only have control over ourselves and therefor can only change ourselves. A person has to want to change, and want to change bad enough that they take all necessary steps to achieve this goal and create a positive outcome.