candyland123 Posted December 9, 2012 Share Posted December 9, 2012 My children are adults, I don't know how they are taking the divorce they don''t really talk to me about it. Thanksgiving was really hard for me and them. My xh and I had not even been divorced 30 days and he was introducing his GF to my children. On thanksgiving my kids were to go from my house with my very small family to their dad's with his new replacement wife and mom for them. that's how it felt to me. He literally replaced me in two days and in 22 days was showing the kids their new step mom to be. I am sorry if I handeled it badly, bur really who wouldn't. I cried on T day before the kids left. I was very upset. I have since apologized to them both several times said I handeled it badly. I explained why I was so upset, put it in terms they could understand. My son had just told me how hurt he was his ex gf was dating, and I said to him after and how do you think I felt at thanksgiving. My son won't really talk to me now. I am going to florida for the next holiday and leaving the house for him, I have also offered him a ticket to come to florida any days he wants to. My daughter is going out of country to visit her boyfriend. I thought this would be best. I tried to talk to my son about what he wanted to do, he would never give me an answer. My relations with both kids are strained now. I am the parent who was always available to them, I am the one who has never had a problem with either child, their dad fought with my son for 7 years. My son had many problems during his teen years over the relationship with dad. Now it is him they are going to. Am I excluded forever? their dad has threatened to tell the kids I was seeing someone dduring our separation. Perhaps he already has. He wants to make me out as the bad parent. He has already taken them on vacation with him and spent over a thousand dollars in gifts on each kid. I cant do this. I do feel replaced. I am sorry I cry kids but I am sad. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueStone Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Candyland, my heart goes out to you. I have young adult kids... I think it is totally normal that you were crying, Thanksgiving or not, you were hurt. Stupid thing from your ex to introduce a gf for them a few days after the D. New stepmom? Who is he fooling? But, whatever he is doing, You are the Mother, with big M. The one and only. You don't have to apologize to your kids or to anyone in the world. The kids are living their own life now, with bfs and gfs coming and going. They don't have the right to judge you. Don't apologize and don't bribe them, rather treat them as adults. Offer them what you always did, love and care but make it clear that you are in pain now since it is time for them to realize that you are not "just mom" but also a living, feeling human being. Be honest with them. I would suggest a complete information stop between you and your ex, meaning, ask the kids not to say anything about your life to him and not to say anything about his life to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author candyland123 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 I have never asked the kids about x beyond how is dad. I have been very sad at times, I have tried to keep my tears from them but I am sorry. Often the triggers happen when were talking. I can't help it if the holidays make me sad. I wish it wasn't this time of year. I don't even like saying its name. I always loved this holiday. Not this year. I usually leave the room when I cry, maybe I should just stay and let them see the hurt. Idk. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueStone Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I would say, yes to not leave the room when your are crying. The D is a loss what you experience 24 h a day, like a grief. Would you feel ashamed if you would grieve someone who was close to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I have never asked the kids about x beyond how is dad. I have been very sad at times, I have tried to keep my tears from them but I am sorry. Often the triggers happen when were talking. I can't help it if the holidays make me sad. I wish it wasn't this time of year. I don't even like saying its name. I always loved this holiday. Not this year. I usually leave the room when I cry, maybe I should just stay and let them see the hurt. Idk. Last year, Christmas was horrible, horrible, horrible for me and my son, and I guess for my XH (though he had a gf). It was sad, awful, tearful. I still lived in our house (we were divorced in Oct.), H was still there, son was home from college, H had a girlfriend and he was leaving to see her the day or two after. Awful - won't go into the entire history, but 22 years married, living in that house for 14 years and I felt as if my heart would break into a million pieces. I made it through it and it was the worst Christmas I have ever spent. I finally moved out at the end of January, into a small apartment - me and the dogs. Healing has been a process and I am still doing it. BUT....today, I put up my little silver tree from childhood with my dad's old color wheel and decorated a little for Christmas, ordered pedals (electric guitar) for my son for Christmas, cleaned the apartment and went to dinner with a friend. What a difference a year makes! I did not cry and I actually feel pretty good. Do I mourn the loss? Yes, I do. But, I feel so much better and you will too. Live your life. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. Let your kids know that you love them and always will. They know you are grieving. Find things to do that make you happy and do them. Do one thing a day for someone who needs it - it can be small. It will help you. You will feel better. Go NC the best you can and go forward every day. Never thought I would do this, but I get up and say what I am grateful for, because now I really am grateful that I feel better. Best to you and hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author candyland123 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 Blue Stone, yes I am grieving. I think your right. My mother and xh say the kids see me sad and don't know what to do. Then when I reacted so bad to the last holiday they are really afraid to bring anything up. I don't know why they can't see that I am mourning. My mother and xh are very critical of me. I worry about what they are saying to the kids. I wish I could ask them but I won't. I hope with time they will come back to me. It hurts to lose H and the kids affections all at once. SS- I assume this will be the worst ever and from here forward it will get better. I did put up a tree, my favorite part of xmas, and decorated. Even lights outside. Hopefully son will enjoy having the big beautiful house to himself. H would never let him be alone in the house because he never trusted him. I hope son remembers this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author candyland123 Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 I sent my son an email last night. Opening up a little about my feelings. He called me first thing this morning. The rift is much better. I feel connected to him again. Later today I will do the same with my daughter. I see me holding my thoughts and feelings in has hurt them. Not helped. They need to know why I am so sad. Its ok to be grieving. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueStone Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 You made my day! I hope things will turn out good and you'll get back your inner peace:-) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts