She just wanted space and I have messed up

[movingon12]

It means she's calmed down but she doesn't need any of your crazy right now. She wants to be friends. She wants to talk things out when she gets to london to work out what relationship you're going to have. From that text, it might be salvageable or you might just become work colleagues - you wont know til she arrives and you can have a proper conversation.

 

Give the number to a trusted friend with strict instructions not to let you have it until Christmas day.

 

There should be no grovelling. You will need to be professional together whatever happens so as of Christmas day, blank slate, co-workers. See what happens when she gets to the uk (though frankly dating a co-worker is never a good idea anyway...)

[LondonRed]

On the text I said to her I am happy with work colleagues, friends or back together. She said let's be close friends for now as she annoyed with my behaviour and is so stressed she doesn't need my aggro and demands. She could have chosen work colleagues and been done with it - she had the chance.

 

She was also suprised i deleted her personal number and told me to call her on Christmas day. It might be salvagable so thanks guys but no more contact until xmas day and even then it will have to ve cool "Merry Christmas, see you soon"...

 

I used to hate contact and clinginess and she loved that about me and then the minute she wanted space I freaked out - how weird.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

I would question your repeated statement that she's coming to London for you. Examine the differences between the job you got her and her old one. How old is she? Maybe she's just decided there's nothing wrong with change. I don't think you're a factor in her decision at all anymore.

 

You definitely went way overboard with texting her as she got more and more distant. However, you felt you physically needed to hear from her, and you were very hurt and confused. I don't know how you can drastically curtail your contact without cutting her off. I was really in love with my ex and when we were together I "overwhelmed" her too (though I only saw it as consistent emotion, affection and attachment from the honeymoon stage that she lost and I retained). I've had several romantic interests since I stopped talking to my ex two months ago and I've had no trouble at all leaving them alone or ignoring them. Then again I'm not in love with anyone either.

 

There's no mistaking "We need a break," "Let's just be friends," "I don't want a relationship right now," etc – that's all woman-speak for letting you down softly, especially coupled with the fact that (1) she's stopped telling you she loves you and (2) she's been consistent in this response to you since November (this is a crucial indicator). She's already dumped you... You're just falling for her woman-speak and obsessing with her and your "mistakes."

 

 

Anyway you may still have a very small chance of attracting her again when she's in London. LDRs, texting and calling can be hell. Still I wouldn't bank that at Barclays, my pommy friend.

[LondonRed]

I would question your repeated statement that she's coming to London for you. Examine the differences between the job you got her and her old one. How old is she? Maybe she's just decided there's nothing wrong with change. I don't think you're a factor in her decision at all anymore.

 

You definitely went way overboard with texting her as she got more and more distant. However, you felt you physically needed to hear from her, and you were very hurt and confused. I don't know how you can drastically curtail your contact without cutting her off. I was really in love with my ex and when we were together I "overwhelmed" her too (though I only saw it as consistent emotion, affection and attachment from the honeymoon stage that she lost and I retained). I've had several romantic interests since I stopped talking to my ex two months ago and I've had no trouble at all leaving them alone or ignoring them. Then again I'm not in love with anyone either.

 

There's no mistaking "We need a break," "Let's just be friends," "I don't want a relationship right now," etc – that's all woman-speak for letting you down softly, especially coupled with the fact that (1) she's stopped telling you she loves you and (2) she's been consistent in this response to you since November (this is a crucial indicator). She's already dumped you... You're just falling for her woman-speak and obsessing with her and your "mistakes."

 

 

Anyway you may still have a very small chance of attracting her again when she's in London. LDRs, texting and calling can be hell. Still I wouldn't bank that at Barclays, my pommy friend.

 

She took a massive pay cut to leave her old job and shes leaving her close family too.... she previously got the same opportunity a year ago and turned it down. Nothing is certain really. She is 32.

 

Yes, she may just want a fresh start in a new country. However, I gave her the chance to be just be work mates and made that very clear and she said she wanted a friend "right now".... I just think it's difficult to judge her state of mind with her sister's wedding coming up and she doing all of the paying for it and her mum being unemployed and her dad having left them. When she originally said she needed a break she said "I want a relationship with you but only when I get to UK in 6 weeks, you need to give me some space I am under a lot of strain at home" - I didn't do that and it's got worse ever since.

 

She is also sellig her home and moving to another country so she might well be stressed.

 

The best thing for me to do is admit she has left me and doesn't want me anymore and anything that happens in the future is a bonus. It really really hurts because I messed it up myself and feel awful in myself.

[Survivor12]

Here's the thing...I wouldn't be so sure that you "messed up". To be honest, it sounds as though she may have regretted her decision about turning down the job offer a year ago and took advantage of your help in getting her a second chance at the opportunity. As you have told us, you facilitated her getting the job, and since she does not have family or friends in London, having you there to help her become accustomed to her new surroundings would be very convenient.

 

What I'm trying to say (as delicately as possible) is that it is quite possible that she never intended to have the kind of relationship you expected when she arrived in London. Perhaps she led you on, perhaps you misinterpreted her intentions, but in any case she put the brakes on BEFORE you began your barrage of messages. If anything, you merely opened the door to finding out sooner rather than later that she wants you as a friend, not a lover.

 

My advice is to take a big step back. I mean a big one. Don't contact her. If she wants to contact you, great. Be a friend if you want, but only if you can truly accept the fact that unless and until her ACTIONS prove that she wants more, that's all it is--friendship.

[LondonRed]

Here's the thing...I wouldn't be so sure that you "messed up". To be honest, it sounds as though she may have regretted her decision about turning down the job offer a year ago and took advantage of your help in getting her a second chance at the opportunity. As you have told us, you facilitated her getting the job, and since she does not have family or friends in London, having you there to help her become accustomed to her new surroundings would be very convenient.

 

What I'm trying to say (as delicately as possible) is that it is quite possible that she never intended to have the kind of relationship you expected when she arrived in London. Perhaps she led you on, perhaps you misinterpreted her intentions, but in any case she put the brakes on BEFORE you began your barrage of messages. If anything, you merely opened the door to finding out sooner rather than later that she wants you as a friend, not a lover.

 

My advice is to take a big step back. I mean a big one. Don't contact her. If she wants to contact you, great. Be a friend if you want, but only if you can truly accept the fact that unless and until her ACTIONS prove that she wants more, that's all it is--friendship.

 

Very good advice. She didn't want to come to UK and suggested I go there for a number of months on end but I persuaded her that due to my parents wanting me here I couldn't move - so looked to her moving to UK.

 

With regards to her dumping me before the messages, well she didn't. She said that we were still in a relationship but she needed a few weeks away from the pressures of Skype and calling constantly to get her move sorted, get her sister married and sort out her visa etc... sell her house etc.

 

I did the opposite and am now suffering from it.

 

I think I will just be her friend and never mention the relationship ever again and see if she talks about it first. As I said, I think it's pretty much over unless she says something to me. Sad but true.

[Survivor12]

It seems that even though you claim to agree that it's over, you still appear to be rewriting history. In your OP, you said that she told you that "she didn't want a relationship right now..." In your last response, however, you say, "She said that we were still in a relationship..." Frankly, despite what you say about your willingness to just be friends, it sounds as though you are still refusing to accept that you are not in a relationship in much the same way that you refused to accept and honor her request to give her space...and look where that got you. I urge you to face the truth now and save yourself from more pain later.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Survivor12
Typo

[LondonRed]

It seems that even though you claim to agree that it's over, you still appear to be rewriting history. In your OP, you said that she told you that "she didn't want a relationship right now..." In your last response, however, you say, "She said that we were still in a relationship..." Frankly, despite what you say about your willingness to just be friends, it sounds as though you are still refusing to accept that you are not in a relationship in much the same way that you refused to accept and honor her request to give her space...and look where that got you. I urge you to face the truth now and save yourself from more pain later.

 

It is all very confusing, we spoke last night and she told me she will be in UK on 29th and looking forward to it and that speaking to me cheers her up. I think she has had second on thoughts on our relationship hence the break up, but also not clear on the future. Hence why I still have hope.

 

What I meant when she said she doesn't want a relationship is just that, if a girl says she needs space then as far as I am concerned she is saying she doesn't want a relationship right now. It doesn't mean it's finished for good. Maybe I am being over simplistic.

 

I like her and told her that yesterday, she said friends will allow us to start again and see where it ends up.... I am happy with that for a while... if it remains just friends then I will just move on.

[Gottabestrong]

London,

stop over-analyzing everything.

 

Take a step back and relax. She will be in the UK in a few weeks, she wants to hang out as friends, she wants you to call her on Christmas Day.

 

Just go with that for now. Wait till she is actually here and you spend time together and you talk. The way she acts and what she says will tell you a lot. Right now, you can't do anything. So just take a step back, focus on family, work, Christmas, whatever and wait for her to come to England. It is only 2 weeks from now. Give her the space she asked for repeatedly and let her get all her things sorted out at home and organize her sister's wedding. If you relax and stop stressing out about it, she will be able to tell, and it will make her feel better about it as well.

[LondonRed]

London,

stop over-analyzing everything.

 

Take a step back and relax. She will be in the UK in a few weeks, she wants to hang out as friends, she wants you to call her on Christmas Day.

 

Just go with that for now. Wait till she is actually here and you spend time together and you talk. The way she acts and what she says will tell you a lot. Right now, you can't do anything. So just take a step back, focus on family, work, Christmas, whatever and wait for her to come to England. It is only 2 weeks from now. Give her the space she asked for repeatedly and let her get all her things sorted out at home and organize her sister's wedding. If you relax and stop stressing out about it, she will be able to tell, and it will make her feel better about it as well.

 

That's the best advice I have got.... but

I thinkwe can say it is well and truly over.

 

 

Wespoke on the phone yesterday for nearly two hours and had a really good laughand a joke together and discussed all of our issues.

 

Hereis what she said:

 

1. She gotfrightened at me texting her non stop and said it came across obsessive – said Iwas too much and that I need to calm down.

2. She doesn’twant me to pick her up from the airport as the company has arranged a car andshe “doesn’t want to see anybody after a 24 hour flight”.

3. She wants tomeet in the evening for dinner on the day she arrives.

4. She said shecan never ever forget how bad my texts and arguing made her feel at a time when she needed space.

 

In addition she said:

 

1. She wakesup tired even after sleeping all night. She is really stressed out and anxious –and totally drained now the wedding is over.

2. Sheignores my texts as she hasn’t got the emotional capacity to deal with some ofthem.

3. She isvery busy and asked me not to get offended if she doesn’t respond to mymessages.

4. She saidshe blocked me off whatsapp so I can’t see her on there and get upset at hernot responding to my texts.

 

All in all it was a good chat, shesaid she wanted to meet me for dinner and we need to start again and talkthrough the issues we have. She also said “I don’t know what the future holds,I can’t forget what you did but also appreciate that we had something special,let’s take it slow as mates and stop messaging me and stressing me out – I willbe there in 10 days”.

And with that I, like an idiot, I senther a good few nice messages last night which she hasn’t responded to.

I need to get over this girl andgo no contact, maybe not even meet her for dinner – she has taken over my lifeand I need to get back control.

What do you all think?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you need to stop text messaging. She tells you that the texts overwhelmed her and you respond by texting her a bunch more? C'mon dude, that's rookie stuff. Meet for dinner, but be cool and stop going crazy. If you can't manage that, then just leave her alone.

[LondonRed]

I think you need to stop text messaging. She tells you that the texts overwhelmed her and you respond by texting her a bunch more? C'mon dude, that's rookie stuff. Meet for dinner, but be cool and stop going crazy. If you can't manage that, then just leave her alone.

 

I make you right, she hasn't responded and I should take the hint. I do hold some hope as we spoke for 2 hours and it was all very cool - she keeps saying "we need to start again as friends" and says her trust has been broken. I find it impossible not to text her... as I care about her.

[nells87]

You really need to stop messaging her. She's told you several times to stop and each time you ignore her and persist. If you continue she will get to the point where she freezes you out completely and will be 100% done.

 

Every time you message her you push her away and you need to remember that.

[LondonRed]

You really need to stop messaging her. She's told you several times to stop and each time you ignore her and persist. If you continue she will get to the point where she freezes you out completely and will be 100% done.

 

Every time you message her you push her away and you need to remember that.

 

Exactly, and after reading your post I have texted her and said we will talk in 2 weeks when she arrives and have no contact until then as contact exasperates the situation. She said "yes, we can chat then, good idea"....

 

Thanks so much Nells - now we need to see if she misses me, normally if I go no contact she is back in a few days!

 

Pray for me guys, I already feel like calling her!

[nells87]

Exactly, and after reading your post I have texted her and said we will talk in 2 weeks when she arrives and have no contact until then as contact exasperates the situation. She said "yes, we can chat then, good idea"....

 

Thanks so much Nells - now we need to see if she misses me, normally if I go no contact she is back in a few days!

 

Pray for me guys, I already feel like calling her!

 

Just hang on in there! I know how hard it is but just remember that this is the only way you can salvage this relationship and if it is meant to be then it will work out! Best of luck.

[veggirl]

You have not taken any of the really great advice that's been offered to you here. I hope you will start. She is trying to be nice, let you down gently. She asked repeatedly for you not to contact her, and you continue to do so. Sending her "nice messages" that go unresponded to makes you clingy, desperate, and unattractive.

 

Even when she arrives, it would be in your best interest to not contact her. If she wants to do dinner after she arrives, she will let you know. She knows you will go if she asks. Let her come to you. Stop chasing her, let her confirm the dinner, do not ask about it, do not text her or call her to welcome her to the city.

[Mike_d]

I think you need to stop text messaging. She tells you that the texts overwhelmed her and you respond by texting her a bunch more? C'mon dude, that's rookie stuff.

 

 

Exactly, and after reading your post I have texted her and said we will talk in 2 weeks when she arrives and have no contact until then as contact exasperates the situation. She said "yes, we can chat then, good idea"....

 

OMG, are you serious??? guy gives you solid advice, says don't text. period. then you agree AND text her again... smh

 

You don't stand a chance here, she wanted the 2 weeks to create some space. She knows you won't go away no matter what she does. You are rapidly approaching stalker status.... You should be working on yourself here and focusing on moving forward, your self sabotage is strong

[Mike_d]

Sending her "nice messages" that go unresponded to makes you clingy, desperate, and unattractive.

 

truth. no woman will date this, let alone want to be anywhere near you. you bring zero game to the table, and are acting like a child.

[geegirl]

truth. no woman will date this, let alone want to be anywhere near you. you bring zero game to the table, and are acting like a child.

 

As a woman, I will second Mike's statement. Women do not find this type of behavior attractive. It makes you look weak and needy.

[LostOne1]

OMG, are you serious??? guy gives you solid advice, says don't text. period. then you agree AND text her again... smh

 

You don't stand a chance here, she wanted the 2 weeks to create some space. She knows you won't go away no matter what she does. You are rapidly approaching stalker status.... You should be working on yourself here and focusing on moving forward, your self sabotage is strong

 

I'll be honest when you gave me advice awhile back.. I thought you were uncaring and just hurtful. But after a few months now.

 

I think what you say is the straight up truth and I wish I had gotten your advice WAY before I found LS. I think what you just said.. would've helped me soo much. I begged and pleaded like a rookie and messed up big.

 

Your right.. my ex KNEW she had me even after the break up. I know this, because when I talked about myself moving on from her. It HURT her a lot and I could tell from her voice. Which showed she still wanted me.. though maybe as the backup guy. Either way I begged and it didn't help. She wanted the space, and I shoulda gave her all the space in the world.

 

I shoulda moved on THEN and started to work on myself. Instead I just moped around and wasted my last month of the summer like an idiot.

 

But hey.. live and learn and I thank you for your advice. And who ever this advice Mike has written up for... PLEASE take his advice.

 

I lost out big time, I guess I'm moving on later than I should've. But take the advice please!!! it's the right advice and it WILL help you.

[movingon12]

I am beginning to really pity this girl.

 

STOP TEXTING HER.

 

Just STOP.

 

Drop your phone down the loo and leave it there.

 

You have not only sabotaged any hope of getting back together with this girl but if you don't get a grip on yourself you're going to be heading into restraining order territory once she's in London.

 

Fortunately, the chances of her giving you her UK number when she arrives is currently around 0%.

[LondonRed]

You have not taken any of the really great advice that's been offered to you here. I hope you will start. She is trying to be nice, let you down gently. She asked repeatedly for you not to contact her, and you continue to do so. Sending her "nice messages" that go unresponded to makes you clingy, desperate, and unattractive.

 

Even when she arrives, it would be in your best interest to not contact her. If she wants to do dinner after she arrives, she will let you know. She knows you will go if she asks. Let her come to you. Stop chasing her, let her confirm the dinner, do not ask about it, do not text her or call her to welcome her to the city.

 

The dinner was not my suggestion, it was hers. She asked me to meet here the night of the day she arrives, I said yes thats fine.

[LondonRed]

I am beginning to really pity this girl.

 

STOP TEXTING HER.

 

Just STOP.

 

Drop your phone down the loo and leave it there.

 

You have not only sabotaged any hope of getting back together with this girl but if you don't get a grip on yourself you're going to be heading into restraining order territory once she's in London.

 

Fortunately, the chances of her giving you her UK number when she arrives is currently around 0%.

 

She has sent me her UK number already and also the interim number in Australia as her work phone is no longer in use.... I don't think she hates me as much as you all think.

 

I have now given both numbers to a friend of mine and deleted them off my phone until she contacts me.

 

I have serious issue in that I am needy and can't do without her - I am working on it - but the UK number, the meeting up when she gets here etc was all suggested by her not me.

 

You are all absolutely right though, I must not contact her until she contacts me - although I will send a one line "Merry Christmas" email - not a text.

 

All may or may not have been lost but you people are right, I need to let it go and wait for her to make a move if she wants to. As far as I am concerned we are just friends now and I should look to fixing myself up on my own.

 

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't even send the "Merry Christmas" e-mail. Because that will lead to 15 more e-mails from you. You obviously do not have the ability to control your impulses with this woman, so don't do anything unless she contacts you.

[LostOne1]

She has sent me her UK number already and also the interim number in Australia as her work phone is no longer in use.... I don't think she hates me as much as you all think.

 

I have now given both numbers to a friend of mine and deleted them off my phone until she contacts me.

 

I have serious issue in that I am needy and can't do without her - I am working on it - but the UK number, the meeting up when she gets here etc was all suggested by her not me.

 

You are all absolutely right though, I must not contact her until she contacts me - although I will send a one line "Merry Christmas" email - not a text.

 

All may or may not have been lost but you people are right, I need to let it go and wait for her to make a move if she wants to. As far as I am concerned we are just friends now and I should look to fixing myself up on my own.

 

I wouldn't... I mean I'm not sending my ex any merry christmas or new yrs heck.. I don't think Im even going to send a happy birthday text in jan.

 

Sometimes you just need to back off a bit and let things play out.

 

Trust me.. I thought I was needy too. But I blew it buy being needy and annoying. So don't do the same.. just back off and if she reaches out.. LET HER do it only.