NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 I have now given both numbers to a friend of mine and deleted them off my phone until she contacts me. I have serious issue in that I am needy and can't do without her - I am working on it - but the UK number, the meeting up when she gets here etc was all suggested by her not me. You are all absolutely right though, I must not contact her until she contacts me - although I will send a one line "Merry Christmas" email - not a text. Your NC is not healthy. You're doing it with the wrong mindset. It's a game you're trying to play with her "I'll show her, I'll make her miss me", and you constantly check your phone/email to see if she contacted you (if your game is working). You will fail approaching NC this way! Alcoholics do something about their problem after they realize they have a problem (step 1). You've admitted having a problem (needy), now f'n do something about it! Do you need this person in your life, can you breath without her, are you unable to be happy without her? This strength comes from within, you mindset should be "I won't allow someone to have so much power over me." She doesn't make you miserable, YOU DO, she doesn't make you needy, YOU DO. Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 just back off and if she reaches out.. LET HER do it only. This is true. She'll only come back when SHE'S ready and there is nothing you can do to change that, you can only do things to hurt your chances. Those Hollywood endings when the guy gets the girl back at the end of the movie are just that, movies. That doesn't happen in real life. If you were luck enough to convince her to be with you, how confident would you be that she'd stay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonRed Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 Very good points guys, I guess time is a healer but right now I am totally devastated that we have lost all the love we had and she doesn't want to be in contact with me for whatever reason. My friends say to play it cool, she will be UK soon, working with me, and has agreed to meet me for dinner - and that I should create distance and play the long game.... right now it's hard. I won't contact her, not until she arrives here, not even on Christmas day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonRed Posted December 19, 2012 Author Share Posted December 19, 2012 Your NC is not healthy. You're doing it with the wrong mindset. It's a game you're trying to play with her "I'll show her, I'll make her miss me", and you constantly check your phone/email to see if she contacted you (if your game is working). You will fail approaching NC this way! Alcoholics do something about their problem after they realize they have a problem (step 1). You've admitted having a problem (needy), now f'n do something about it! Do you need this person in your life, can you breath without her, are you unable to be happy without her? This strength comes from within, you mindset should be "I won't allow someone to have so much power over me." She doesn't make you miserable, YOU DO, she doesn't make you needy, YOU DO. The fact is she does have a lot of power over me and she knows it, she has a PHD and is extremely intelligent. I actually think she doesn't want this power over and would prefer me not be clingy and reliant on her. I am giving the NC a chance not because I want her to miss me but because it's worked in the past and giving a few days off cheers her up and she comes back usually on her own. I just can't get it into my head that she needs space. So the NC is to give her a break, it's pretty obvious I make her miserable right now and have lost her trust at a time when she needed space - I am devastated with myself and hope I can just get over whatever will happen in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
LostOne1 Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 This is true. She'll only come back when SHE'S ready and there is nothing you can do to change that, you can only do things to hurt your chances. Those Hollywood endings when the guy gets the girl back at the end of the movie are just that, movies. That doesn't happen in real life. If you were luck enough to convince her to be with you, how confident would you be that she'd stay? exactly.. sadly I NEVER understood the space part. I panicked, because if she wanted space and she wasn't sharing a house with random roomates and one that was a new guy friend. I might have not panicked and given her good space. But I freaked out, because I've never been in a situation where my gf could be into another guy and ask for space. Worst mistake was NOT to give her space. I wish I had just given her the space and moved on. I begged a lot and it made things so bad now. She actually said she regrets meeting me, and wishes she could go back and change it. And that if I have any self respect I will stop contacting her, because it's over. That's how bad it got.. and since then I haven't talked at all. I see no point now. Sadly.. I am going to a new school and it's one she goes too. Which means a possibility of running into her. I don't know if I am ready for it if it happens. But I know I am going to the school for my education and that's my purpose and goal. And I plan on going in with a new attitude to make new friends and just be happy. And to be honest I just want to ignore her if I do see her. Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 (edited) Worst mistake was NOT to give her space. I wish I had just given her the space and moved on. Crazy isn't it, hindsight? The second they say "I don't want to date/be with you" you should start moving on!!!! The funny part, WALKING AWAY GIVES YOU THE BEST CHANCE OF GETTING THEM BACK. If you cling they lose respect for you, they see you as weak, like an annoying little puppy that won't stop following her. Women don't want to date/have sex with/or think little puppies are attractive!!! If you simply walk you "seem" powerful, they keep respect for you. Women want powerful men! Also you don't leave a bad taste in their mouth. Their last memory is this conversation: -Dumper- "I don't want to be with you" -Dumpee- "Ok, I understand, I wish you luck" Then never contact AGAIN! Edit: Also, think of all of your breakups. The first thing that pops in your head is usually the way your relationship ended. Edited December 20, 2012 by NavyAirTraffic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LondonRed Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 Crazy isn't it, hindsight? The second they say "I don't want to date/be with you" you should start moving on!!!! The funny part, WALKING AWAY GIVES YOU THE BEST CHANCE OF GETTING THEM BACK. If you cling they lose respect for you, they see you as weak, like an annoying little puppy that won't stop following her. Women don't want to date/have sex with/or think little puppies are attractive!!! If you simply walk you "seem" powerful, they keep respect for you. Women want powerful men! Also you don't leave a bad taste in their mouth. Their last memory is this conversation: -Dumper- "I don't want to be with you" -Dumpee- "Ok, I understand, I wish you luck" Then never contact AGAIN! Edit: Also, think of all of your breakups. The first thing that pops in your head is usually the way your relationship ended. If only we could treat a break up like death - as in cry, moan, sulk, and be destroyed but do it alone as the person who is dead (the partner) is gone forever and can't hear you. The modern texts, whatsapp, email, facebook, etc has destroyed any chance of that and in essence destroyed my relationship. However, more than anything i have destroyed with my obsessive behaviour and need to totally hit the eject button now. Thanks for that post, it was really nice to read. Link to post Share on other sites
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