Wwyd

[Aaer]

I am new here and I could really use some perspectives from complete strangers. Here's my situation, I have been married for five years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and a few children with my husband. My marriage is not that great and I'm not happily married but I make the best of it. I have brought up counselling in the past and my husband either had no interest or didn't want to spend the money on it. Any issue I have in my marriage is largely ignored by my husband. I have no friends or family near me. Last year I made a friend from a meetup group and after spending time with me and my family, she came to me one day and said it seemed like my husband looks inappropriately at my daughter. I defended my husband and I have never noticed anything out of the ordinary. In the end we stopped talking over it. She basically said she could not be friends with someone who turns a blind eye. I tried to see where she was coming from but I really never saw anything weird or unusual. Until today. My young teen daughter walked into a room that my husband and I were in and she was fully clothed but when she bent down to put her little brother down, the top of her shirt slipped down exposing her bra/cleavage. My husband was staring at her bra and cleavage (not that there's much but still). I was extremely surprised to say the least. My daughter was clueless and she was just bent over and making sure our toddler was standing up and not falling. My husband kept staring. My daughter glanced up at me and asked what was wrong. I told her I had to talk to her stepdad and I had her leave the room with my other small children. I told him what I saw, how inappropriate it looked and how as a mother I was a little freaked out. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. But I KNOW what I saw and it was weird. I don't really know where to go at this point. What would you do if you were in my situation? At this point I'm extremely uncomfortable and I don't really want him around. I don't want to overreact but at this point I don't really know what to do.

[newmoon]

maybe you have 3 kids... it doesn't say for sure, but you're a mom and you'd have a mom's instincts regardless. and, although our gut can sometimes be wrong about these things, it's usually the case that something is amiss, and you know that enough to be asking here. a different, yet similar scenario - my mother was told by her friends that my brother was 'strange' and 'different' and 'seemed stupid' as he was growing up. of course she didn't want to believe anything negative about her kid and ignored others' opinions. once my brother entered adulthood it was clear he had a severe mental illness, but my mom didn't want to see that earlier on. my point is that often others see more clearly from outside what we cannot see from the inside and the woman who first warned you likely saw something you should heed. i have no idea what your next step is - walk out/divorce/counsel - but you have to do something. could you ask your daughter if she has ever felt uncomfortable with the stepdad, or if he has ever made inappropriate remarks/gestures towards her? maybe begin there to at least alleviate any fear that something has already happened. staying in the current situation without addressing it and dealing with it puts your daughter at tremendous risk if he has less than fatherly intentions or thoughts. i think you did a brave and wonderful thing by confronting him already and letting him know what you saw. i'm sure others will sign on and help you out.

[Cutiepie1976]

I would start by asking your daughter open-ended (not leading) questions. Moving forward even if nothing has happened, I would make sure that she's not left alone with your husband anywhere. Finally, I would contact the woman from meetup and thank her for her comments. Tell her that because she alerted you, you have become much more observant and are actively exploring whether anything might be amiss. If she wasn't explicit about her concerns, ask her what prompted her to feel something was wrong. Also ask her for advice and tips. It's possible she picked up on signs because she has been through something similar.

 

Finally, document! I don't know if your husband has legally adopted your daughter, etc. Who knows if this will lead anywhere, but in case it does....

 

Finally, bear in mind that your husband is going to be a lot more careful, especially around you, now that he knows you have this concern.

[Forever Learning]

I am new here and I could really use some perspectives from complete strangers. Here's my situation, I have been married for five years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and a few children with my husband. My marriage is not that great and I'm not happily married but I make the best of it. I have brought up counselling in the past and my husband either had no interest or didn't want to spend the money on it. Any issue I have in my marriage is largely ignored by my husband.

 

I read this much and knew you were in a marriage that was in trouble. If he won't go to counseling and he doesn't care about you, why continue? I understand how hard it is. I divorced last year after 16 years and two children. Mine wouldn't go to counseling either, when he did go briefly, he didn't take it seriously, it was to buy time in the marriage to avoid divorce and child support. Mine was a real creep, but it took me many years to fully understand the extent of his mental problems.

 

 

 

I have no friends or family near me.

 

You are isolated, never a good situation.

 

Last year I made a friend from a meetup group and after spending time with me and my family, she came to me one day and said it seemed like my husband looks inappropriately at my daughter. I defended my husband and I have never noticed anything out of the ordinary. In the end we stopped talking over it. She basically said she could not be friends with someone who turns a blind eye. I tried to see where she was coming from but I really never saw anything weird or unusual. Until today.

 

Thank God your friend was brave enough to mention to you what she saw. That takes courage and integrity. She sounds like a decent and brave person.

 

 

My young teen daughter walked into a room that my husband and I were in and she was fully clothed but when she bent down to put her little brother down, the top of her shirt slipped down exposing her bra/cleavage. My husband was staring at her bra and cleavage (not that there's much but still). I was extremely surprised to say the least. My daughter was clueless and she was just bent over and making sure our toddler was standing up and not falling. My husband kept staring. My daughter glanced up at me and asked what was wrong. I told her I had to talk to her stepdad and I had her leave the room with my other small children.

 

That was brave of you to confront it right then and there. You won't catch him doing this much again though, you busted him, he will be very careful from here on out. But he will still be the same guy he is inside, which sounds like a pervert and a danger to your daughter.

 

I told him what I saw, how inappropriate it looked and how as a mother I was a little freaked out. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about.

 

Of course he lied! He got caught red handed!

 

Now you know his inner thoughts and feelings, he betrayed himself through his EYES.

 

Probably 95% of men caught like this would! Liars LIE! People caught, doing wrong things, LIE! Molesters LIE! Murderers LIE! Sorry to be so intense.

 

He is a dishonest person, lacking integrity.

 

He may have sexual issues such as pedophile inclinations. He should NOT be looking at your daughter in this manner, you know that!

 

He IS possibly a danger to your daughter (his step daughter). 1 in 4 girls is molested, that's 25 %. 1 in 5 boys is molested (20%). The statistics are horrifying. A step father, uncle, grandfather, father, neighbor (male) or other male relative or trusted family friend make up over 90% of the culprits of those who molest girls under the age of 18.

 

But I KNOW what I saw and it was weird.

 

HELL YEAH IT'S WEIRD! THIS IS NOT NORMAL, ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR A MAN TOWARDS HIS STEP DAUGHTER! THIS IS A DANGEROUS SITUATION FOR YOUR DAUGHTER!

 

I don't really know where to go at this point. What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter.

 

Contact divorce attorneys and learn the divorce and child support laws in your area.

 

Contact your family and get their support should you have to move back in with them upon separation and divorce.

 

Get a family counselor for you and your daughter.

 

I am no expert, but I can't imagine continuing a marriage with a man like this that I couldn't trust to leave my daughter alone with anymore.

 

I would never risk my children with a step father who looked at them in an inappropriate manner.

 

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

 

I am so so sorry you are going through this situation. God bless you, you poor dear lady.

 

At this point I'm extremely uncomfortable and I don't really want him around. I don't want to overreact but at this point I don't really know what to do.

 

Talk to divorce attorneys and a counselor, even a school counselor if you can't afford any other counselor. My independant opinion is to leave this guy. The marriage is less than fulfilling to begin with, and now you have this (very serious) issue to contend with. I don't think its worth it to stay with him much longer. And put your daughter on the look out to protect herself from him. Don't leave them alone together under any circumstances. God bless and I am so sorry for this terrible situation you are in. (((Hugs))) All the best to you and your precious children.

 

 

My comments are in bold above. First and foremost, please protect your daughter, above all else.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Forever Learning