Is she stringing me along...Another OM MW story

[LostSoulTrain]

Hi all. I came here hoping to find some advice on my situation. A year ago I started affair with my work colleague. We are both in 30s, she is bit older and neither have kids. Things were going great for some time but there were also problems. Her husband is absent for couple of months because of work and when he would be here we would meet less often. Also, I felt as if she has all control. Eventually, sometimes in May I asked her to leave everything and go with me. She agreed. When her husband came back in June she allegedly had one conversation with him in which she tried to talk about divorce. Soon after she started distancing. I tried to bring her back for some time but then gave up so summer went pretty much without contact.

 

During this time I left my wife and started divorce. I also worked on myself, changed lot of things. Abount month after her husband left my MW broke silence. She was persistent to get back together with me saying she wants to show me that things will be different this time and that she wants to spend her life with me. I eventually caved in. In many ways things got better. Whereas before she used to break up often with me this time she was persistent to keep us together. However, except for period immediately after we got back together, she did not want to talk about leaving her husband and give me any dates when she intends to do it. She would explain it with the fact that she is affraid something might go wrong and does not want to let me down. This frustrated me and I felt she will let me down again. Finally, around mid November I went NC because I could not stand it anymore. She would send me texts late at night ever since then to which I replied nothing.

 

About 10 days ago her husband returned. We met and had conversation. She told me that she will talk with him over the weekend. She did this. In her words, she told him that it is time for them to go each own way and that she does not have any feelings for him. She also told him that she does not want to have kids with him. Yet, she did not actually say "I want divorce". His reply was that they have history together but that he feels her distancing herself and he accused her for giving up on them.

 

After the conversation she told me that this was the maximum she could do in one conversation. She said that he was genuinely shocked and that she thinks he needs few days to process things before she can push things further. When I asked what she plans to do next her reply was "I dont know". She also said that it was strange conversation and that she feels hollow and weird after it. All this sounds good but there is some feeling in me that she might be withdrawing from me even though she denies it. Guys, I have no problems waiting for her for few more days or weeks to sort out this situation but part of me is scared that scenario of this summer would repeat itself. Many options are going through my head. I was thinking to go NC and tell her to contact me when she is ready to file for divorce. But then again, I feel I need to be there for her in this process and support her. Any advice is much appreciated as I really love her and think that despite of all problems in the past we might build something good.

[2sunny]

Don't see her or communicate at all until her (and your) divorce are both FINAL!

 

She will/ and could string you along for YEARS.

 

Set a date of no contact (a week)? And stick to it! For YOUR sanity and well being!

[whichwayisup]

Time will tell if she'll follow through on her words or not. Give yourself a deadline and stick to it.

 

It's out of your hands, she's told you she's spoken to her husband..Maybe that's the truth, maybe it's not. In the meantime, distance and detach yourself from her and focus on you and your life for a while. Last thing either of you need is cling to one another during her possible divorce process. You know what that's like having just divorced your wife, so give her space and allow her to deal with the ending of her marriage in her own way.

[Realist3]

If you really have no problem waiting a few days/weeks then do that, but if you want her to leave, and that is your expectation then it should be clear to both of you, including what your timeline for waiting is.

 

You should expect that even if she does leave, it's very possible that she will take every minute of that timeline, so be prepared for that. Just a slightly different perspective.

 

Everyone here is always convinced that they don't leave, but that's not always the case. Just keep your eyes open. She had a conversation that she said she was going to, so far she is following through, if that changes, that's when I'd be concerned.

 

I agree with this, but I will also add that you can't expect someone to be on YOUR timeline with their relationship with their SO. You made a break and that was what was best for you. From what you have said she is starting down that path, but that path is her decision and hers alone. Pressuring someone to do something when you want them to usually doesn't end well. It is her experience and she will have to deal with the way she feels is best for her.

 

If you truly love her then don't do the whole childish NC thing. Let her know you are there for her when she needs support. You are supposedly wanting to start a life with her, so why would you leave her in what is likely one of the most traumatic times in her life? The point is be there, but don't pressure.

 

If after a period you do not see the progress you are seeking then you have a decision to make.

[LostSoulTrain]

Thank you all for comments. No, I did not post my story before. I saw her today. Her words are that she wants to do this on her own wayso that she does not tell me one day 'I did this because of you'. She then told me that she plans to leave him over this week but cant tell me for sure. She keeps repeating that this is something she has to do on her own. I dont know what to think to be honest. She talked same way before weekend and did all that she promised. A week does not seem long but I somehow have bad feeling about this.

[whichwayisup]

She's going to leave her husband 2 1/2 weeks before christmas?

 

Yes this is something she has to do on her own, if she truly means what she's telling you.

 

Staying and being her shoulder will only enable her to do nothing so do back off and allow her time and space to figure this out.

[LostSoulTrain]

We have very good memories here. You most certainly have posted your story before: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/342836-over-should-i-keep-hoping

 

The responses to your situation aren't going to change. In fact, mine are pretty much identical in both threads.

 

I hate to spoil your excitement but you got it wrong. While I see some similarities with my story I am not author of that tread you cited. If I were wouldnt it be more logical to make update of that tread you mention rather than opening new account and thread?

 

I am grateful for some of comments you gave to my thread as I am genuinely in doubt here. I've never been in such situation before. A part of me feels that if I leave now I would waste over a year of waiting and effort. Yet another part of me thinks that she is serving me another story that is not going to be realised.

[LostSoulTrain]

Think what you want. I am not going to discuss this issue anymore with you. If mods think that I have multiple nicknames and if I am violating any forum rules then they are free to delete this thread.

[RickFox]

I'm of the opinion that you're being played

[Realist3]

A year ago I started affair with my work colleague. We are both in 30s, she is bit older and neither have kids. Her husband is absent for couple of months because of work

 

In October 2011 I started affair with my co-worker. We are both married, in mid 30s, no children. Her husband is away for most of year.

******

 

In May I asked her to leave everything and go with me. She agreed.

 

In May 2012 we were on 5 days business trip. I arranged her favourite flowers to be delivered in her room and proposed with ring.

******

I tried to bring her back for some time but then gave up so summer went pretty much without contact.

 

She then said that she feels it is best for me that we go our own way “for the moment”. (summer)

***

 

She was persistent to get back together with me saying she wants to show me that things will be different this time and that she wants to spend her life with me.

 

Some 5-6 days later she started calling me every day and asking to meet. At that meeting she promised heaven and earth just to take her back.

 

*****

I wanted to go divorce already in May but my MW asked me not to do it then. We agreed that she will first make several conversations with her husband and that we will say to our partners at same time sometimes mid-July or early August. As you can see this has not happened.

 

After the conversation she told me that this was the maximum she could do in one conversation.

****

 

Wouldnt it be more logical for her to make up some story and try to buy herself more time?

 

wouldnt it be more logical to make update of that tread you mention rather than opening new account and thread?

 

That doesn't really prove very much. Why do you care so much to waste that amount of time?

[Realist3]

Sorry, LFH, you beat me to it.

[Tenacity]

It took about 90 seconds to locate the thread from the list of my posts. All I needed was the title of the thread and I knew immediately which one it was. Copying and pasting took minutes.

 

Anyway.

 

Why? Because WE wasted our time responding on his initial thread, he didn't listen and now he's back asking the SAME EXACT THING and expects us to (not only believe we have no memory from three months ago), but waste more of our time responding to this one with the SAME advice he's not going to take.

 

Then why not just ignore the thread?

 

Why are you ALWAYS in attack mode?

[LostSoulTrain]

You provided proof of what? That there are some similarities between my story and story of that other guy? Well done and congratulations! I hope you feel now proud of yourself for proving whatever you wanted to prove. You can believe it or not, I honestly dont care, but I am not that guy. Again, if I am violating any forum rules then please report me to mods and let them delete my account and this thread. In the meantime please stop accusing me for something I did not do and let people that wish to comment on my story and offer me some advice to post here.

[Pierre]

You provided proof of what? That there are some similarities between my story and story of that other guy? Well done and congratulations! I hope you feel now proud of yourself for proving whatever you wanted to prove. You can believe it or not, I honestly dont care, but I am not that guy. Again, if I am violating any forum rules then please report me to mods and let them delete my account and this thread. In the meantime please stop accusing me for something I did not do and let people that wish to comment on my story and offer me some advice to post here.

 

It is a moot point if you posted before or not. The situation remains the same. This woman is treating you like a door mat and you take it.

[JamesM]

It is a moot point if you posted before or not. The situation remains the same. This woman is treating you like a door mat and you take it.

 

I agree.

 

And have you considered that both of you have cheated on your spouses? This means that the foundation of your possible new relationship is infidelity. Do you hope to build fidelity from infidelity?

 

I mean no harsh criticism, but IMO it would be best if you rebuild your life by yourself and let her make up her own mind. If one day, she is single and is remorseful for her part in the affair, then perhaps you may start over and build a real relationship.

[LostSoulTrain]

Tonight I saw her. We met, started talking and then at one point I just felt that I cannot take it anymore. My heart was pumping like crazy and I needed some air. It was as if something cracked inside of me. I said to her "I am sorry but we must end this". After that I just wnet silent, my eyes focused on one point on wall, for about half an hour. It was almost as if I felt a relief. She could also tell something is different and tried to get me to say anything but I just couldnt even if I wanted it.

 

Later, while I was driving her home she kept repeating that this cannot be over and that she wants us to have happy ending. So I asked "what are you going to do about it". Her reply was "whatever it takes to keep you in my arms". So I asked then "Will you leave your husband". She paused for moment and then asked "Is there anything else I can do that can fall under my previous statement". I just wished her goodbye and left after hearing that. She did not say anything as if she believes that this is not over.

 

The strange thing is that in the past, the minute she would leave I would miss her and want to get back together with her. This time I just felt hollow and as if I want to run away from her as far as possible. I decided to end this once and for all. So I am going NC. The way I see it either she will come with something concrete or I will get my life back in shape without her.

[Tenacity]

Tonight I saw her. We met, started talking and then at one point I just felt that I cannot take it anymore. My heart was pumping like crazy and I needed some air. It was as if something cracked inside of me. I said to her "I am sorry but we must end this". After that I just wnet silent, my eyes focused on one point on wall, for about half an hour. It was almost as if I felt a relief. She could also tell something is different and tried to get me to say anything but I just couldnt even if I wanted it.

 

Later, while I was driving her home she kept repeating that this cannot be over and that she wants us to have happy ending. So I asked "what are you going to do about it". Her reply was "whatever it takes to keep you in my arms". So I asked then "Will you leave your husband". She paused for moment and then asked "Is there anything else I can do that can fall under my previous statement". I just wished her goodbye and left after hearing that. She did not say anything as if she believes that this is not over.

 

The strange thing is that in the past, the minute she would leave I would miss her and want to get back together with her. This time I just felt hollow and as if I want to run away from her as far as possible. I decided to end this once and for all. So I am going NC. The way I see it either she will come with something concrete or I will get my life back in shape without her.

 

I totally agree with Pierre in all he said.

 

It can take a long time to do the thing that is best for you, in my experience, and that's okay, but you lose pieces of your life all during the time you don't recognize that.

 

Now you (hopefully) see that she isn't going to leave. So take control of your life and stop thinking this is good enough - now that you recognize that she isn't leaving.

[LostSoulTrain]

Her leaving her husband is only one part of story. What I see clearly now is that entire relationship was unhealthy with her not having any respect for me. To be honest I just want to get some sleep after all this mess.

[carhill]

Any advice is much appreciated as I really love her and think that despite of all problems in the past we might build something good.

 

Here's some advice/observation from a former OM:

 

The person who cares the least has the most power and control.

 

Married people in undisclosed affairs lie. Not all the time but when it serves their purposes.

 

Focus on ending your marriage and recovering from that loss. If you wish to 'leave the door open', simply tell her that you will, if not otherwise involved, be available once she has the court seal on her divorce judgment.

 

This is how you re-gain your power. Good luck.

[LostSoulTrain]

Here's some advice/observation from a former OM:

 

The person who cares the least has the most power and control.

 

Married people in undisclosed affairs lie. Not all the time but when it serves their purposes.

 

Focus on ending your marriage and recovering from that loss. If you wish to 'leave the door open', simply tell her that you will, if not otherwise involved, be available once she has the court seal on her divorce judgment.

 

This is how you re-gain your power. Good luck.

 

You are probably right. I told her that I wish us to be in NC. I also said that she can contact me only if she is willing to work on our issues and to leave her husband. Yet, I see that she did not take this seriously. Tonight I received "how r u" text which I ignored. I felt really good. It was as if I made her feel a part of feeling I had every time she ignored me. It is probably childish, I know. A part of me still hopes that things can become right once. I want her to feel what is life like without me but I am not sure whether by ignoring her I am sending message that the door is closed for good. My gut tells me that ignoring her is right way forward but there is this tiny voice in my head that tells me "what if".

[whichwayisup]

I want her to feel what is life like without me but I am not sure whether by ignoring her I am sending message that the door is closed for good. My gut tells me that ignoring her is right way forward but there is this tiny voice in my head that tells me "what if".

 

Tell her no more Hi, how are you? Texts, or other pointless chit chat. Let her know that the next time you hear from her she'll be either on her way to divorcing or she's chosen to stay married. Then you can make your decision. Put a time limit on it though so it's not like in a year or two from now she calls and says I'm divorced. Say 6 months (that should be enough time for any kind of progress to have taken place).

[LostSoulTrain]

I already said all of this. Just looking at my phone. Last night she sent me 6-7 texts saying 'please say anything, please' last one at 5am this morning. I am niw wondering if I should write something like 'please do not contact me unless you are willing to give me something concrete or I should just continue NC.

[Alexanda]

I already said all of this. Just looking at my phone. Last night she sent me 6-7 texts saying 'please say anything, please' last one at 5am this morning. I am niw wondering if I should write something like 'please do not contact me unless you are willing to give me something concrete or I should just continue NC.

 

Noooooo! Dont cave in. You said NC so that means NC. Say nothing to her. I know its hard, but you have to stay strong. In my opinion I just think you need to forget about her. She is NEVER going to leave her husband. You can do much better.

[LostSoulTrain]

Noooooo! Dont cave in. You said NC so that means NC. Say nothing to her. I know its hard, but you have to stay strong. In my opinion I just think you need to forget about her. She is NEVER going to leave her husband. You can do much better.

 

I saw this too late and replied. The conversation went along following lines. I asked „what is it that you want me to tell you“. She replied „please tell me that I am not dead for you“ to which I said „you stated in our last conversation that you cannot leave your husband and I do not want to pursue this affair any longer. She then wrote some small talk thing which I ended by saying „has anything changed since our last conversation, because if it didn't I think we should not waste anymore of our time“. She replied „no, not yet“. I asked what this means and she did not say anything. Then she kept saying how she cannot imagine life without me, that she does not want it to end this way etc. I just stayed silent. She then asked whether I am in town over weekend. She knows that I was supposed to travel and I guess this was her way of putting spin that she might do something over weekend. I did not reply to any of this and just repeated my earlier question.

 

 

 

Few minutes later she calls me on phone. Then she starts talking how I must understand that this is a thing she wants to do on her own (leaving husband). I replied that this was never an issue and that the issue was her not wanting to leave him and keeping me in uncertainty. She then asked again whether I am in town over weekend so I asked „why do you want to know“. This made her defensive and saying „ok, you dont have to tell me, please forgive me for all messages from last night and for calling you today“ and started crying. I just said „no problem“ and ended conversation. What do you guys think? Did I handle this correctly or was I rude towards her?

[Pierre]

I saw this too late and replied. The conversation went along following lines. I asked „what is it that you want me to tell you“. She replied „please tell me that I am not dead for you“ to which I said „you stated in our last conversation that you cannot leave your husband and I do not want to pursue this affair any longer. She then wrote some small talk thing which I ended by saying „has anything changed since our last conversation, because if it didn't I think we should not waste anymore of our time“. She replied „no, not yet“. I asked what this means and she did not say anything. Then she kept saying how she cannot imagine life without me, that she does not want it to end this way etc. I just stayed silent. She then asked whether I am in town over weekend. She knows that I was supposed to travel and I guess this was her way of putting spin that she might do something over weekend. I did not reply to any of this and just repeated my earlier question.

 

 

 

Few minutes later she calls me on phone. Then she starts talking how I must understand that this is a thing she wants to do on her own (leaving husband). I replied that this was never an issue and that the issue was her not wanting to leave him and keeping me in uncertainty. She then asked again whether I am in town over weekend so I asked „why do you want to know“. This made her defensive and saying „ok, you dont have to tell me, please forgive me for all messages from last night and for calling you today“ and started crying. I just said „no problem“ and ended conversation. What do you guys think? Did I handle this correctly or was I rude towards her?

 

She loves you as her lover.

 

She does not love you enough to end her marriage.

 

She is trying to keep you on the side.

 

WITH REGARDS TO LOVE: She may actually also love her husband.

 

Honestly, I don't think she is long term relationship material and you are better off meeting someone else.