Is she stringing me along...Another OM MW story

[whichwayisup]

You handled it fine. What you do now is none of her business, going out of town or whatever. You aren't obligated to tell her anything personal.

 

You weren't rude, you were making a point and she knows this. Sure it hurts but she knows why this is happening. her non action (not telling her husband and ending her marriage) keeps the NC in place. She knows that too.

 

Be strong and try not to cave if she reaches out again.

[JamesM]

You handled it fine. What you do now is none of her business, going out of town or whatever. You aren't obligated to tell her anything personal.

 

You weren't rude, you were making a point and she knows this. Sure it hurts but she knows why this is happening. her non action (not telling her husband and ending her marriage) keeps the NC in place. She knows that too.

 

Be strong and try not to cave if she reaches out again.

 

Totally agree with this.

 

I am impressed especially knowing how hard it is not to respond somehow. The way you responded was fairly polite IMO and not rude. Ending something is never pleasant and pretending that you can make it that way is silly. You were firm and yet polite.

 

Day by day...

[Cali408]

Congratulations. You've gone out on top with your dignity!

[Alexanda]

I already said all of this. Just looking at my phone. Last night she sent me 6-7 texts saying 'please say anything, please' last one at 5am this morning. I am niw wondering if I should write something like 'please do not contact me unless you are willing to give me something concrete or I should just continue NC.

 

I saw this too late and replied. The conversation went along following lines. I asked „what is it that you want me to tell you“. She replied „please tell me that I am not dead for you“ to which I said „you stated in our last conversation that you cannot leave your husband and I do not want to pursue this affair any longer. She then wrote some small talk thing which I ended by saying „has anything changed since our last conversation, because if it didn't I think we should not waste anymore of our time“. She replied „no, not yet“. I asked what this means and she did not say anything. Then she kept saying how she cannot imagine life without me, that she does not want it to end this way etc. I just stayed silent. She then asked whether I am in town over weekend. She knows that I was supposed to travel and I guess this was her way of putting spin that she might do something over weekend. I did not reply to any of this and just repeated my earlier question.

 

 

 

Few minutes later she calls me on phone. Then she starts talking how I must understand that this is a thing she wants to do on her own (leaving husband). I replied that this was never an issue and that the issue was her not wanting to leave him and keeping me in uncertainty. She then asked again whether I am in town over weekend so I asked „why do you want to know“. This made her defensive and saying „ok, you dont have to tell me, please forgive me for all messages from last night and for calling you today“ and started crying. I just said „no problem“ and ended conversation. What do you guys think? Did I handle this correctly or was I rude towards her?

 

You totally did the right thing and you handled it correctly. Now if she sends you anymore texts or calls or emails you IGNORE it. If she really wanted to leave her husband she would have done it already. She cant have her cake and eat it too. You really can do much better though.

[LostSoulTrain]

I really hoped that she will stay away after our conversation yesterday. But tonight she sends me link to song "I belong to you" and after that text "please forgive me, I am drunk". Can someone really be so cruel to do things like this? I feel as if she is trying to mess with my head or something. Maybe this is not place to write such things but I feel I need to vent somewhere.

[RickFox]

Yes, people can be that cruel. Plain and simple, it's not about you, it's about her....

[LostSoulTrain]

And messages keep coming and coming...just this morning there were 5-6 of them. She sends them every couple of hours. It is almost as if she is telling story with each new text adding another sentence to that story. Her messages do not elicit any response and they are mainly things like 'I see only one image in front of my eyes...and have this weird feeling controlling me...and feeling hollow inside'. Even if she did ask something I stated clearly that I will talk to her only if she is ready to leave him and go with me. And I will stick to it. I wonder though how long does it take for someone to realise that you mean business in these things and that the time has come for situation to be resolved one way or another?

[Pierre]

And messages keep coming and coming...just this morning there were 5-6 of them. She sends them every couple of hours. It is almost as if she is telling story with each new text adding another sentence to that story. Her messages do not elicit any response and they are mainly things like 'I see only one image in front of my eyes...and have this weird feeling controlling me...and feeling hollow inside'. Even if she did ask something I stated clearly that I will talk to her only if she is ready to leave him and go with me. And I will stick to it. I wonder though how long does it take for someone to realise that you mean business in these things and that the time has come for situation to be resolved one way or another?

 

Philandering narcissistic men and women know how to beg (if they have to). They cry quite well also.

[LostSoulTrain]

Hi guys. Here is another update. Last Tuesday she called me but I ignored. Then she wrote text and asked if we could meet as she wants to talk about "us". I just replied "I dont think that is good idea". Then I get mail where she says that she talked with her husband again. Her words are that they agreed they can no longer be together and that he said he will move out right after holidays (supposedly his words were that he does not want ruin holidays to other members of family). She also said she realises she was wrong and wants to make things right this time. Anyway, I did not reply anything to that. She called afterwards couple times to meet but I stayed silent. She did manage to catch me for few minutes, though, on our office Christmas party where she repeated all these words. I just asked "how long would it take this time before you change your mind?". Her words sound fine but something inside of me tells me that they are breadcrumbs and that I should keep ignoring her. She asked again to meet tonight but so far I did not reply anything. What do you guys think? Am I pushing too far or would it make sense to meet her?

[LostSoulTrain]

Well I did meet her last Sunday. It was probably wrong thing to do, I know. Anyway, I wanted to talk but she just ignored it and gave me a hug. I felt frustration and anger is growing inside me. Just could not stand feeling of her arms around my neck.So I sat her down and said that I am sick and tired of her games. I told her she can't no longer have her cake and eat it too. Her words were that we have time gap in a way that I want things to be done sooner rather than later while she does not care whether this will happen today or in nearby future. She also said she is definitely leaving him but cant give me exact date.

 

I sat there feeling like a fool for meeting her last week. I realised that it was just attempt to get me back in affair. Finally, I said I had enough and that I wish us to be in NC. I also said this was last chance I was willing to give to us. Until that moment she was sitting calm but when she heard my words her face expression changed as if she did not see it coming. She kept saying she does not want me to leave , she knows it is wrong that she cant give me any date when she will do it but she is doing it anyway.

 

 

 

My last words to her were 'what do you want from me?' to which she replied 'nothing until I finish things home'. After hearing this I just turned and left.Its been two days since then. She did not even wish me merry christmas. I honestly dont know what to think. Did I push this too far by saying this is definite end for me and that I wish to be in complete NC so I can move on? Is this last I'll hear from her or there is some hope that time can make her realise this is really our last chance and that she might make a move and come to me after thinking she lost me?

[RickFox]

Just by reading the words in your post, you're not done, and I don't truly think you want to be done. The fact that you are here asking if you did the right thing shows you aren't confident in ending it.

 

Hate to break it to you but she's gonna milk you for all your worth and when you no longer are available to her she's gonna drop you and leave you in a quivering mess. Save yourself the heartache and stop worrying about whether she will suddenly realize how special you are and come running into your arms....hasn't happened yet....doesn't appear that it will

 

You either go NC, stick to it, or accept your choice to be used and strung along.

[LostSoulTrain]

Just by reading the words in your post, you're not done, and I don't truly think you want to be done. The fact that you are here asking if you did the right thing shows you aren't confident in ending it.

 

Hate to break it to you but she's gonna milk you for all your worth and when you no longer are available to her she's gonna drop you and leave you in a quivering mess. Save yourself the heartache and stop worrying about whether she will suddenly realize how special you are and come running into your arms....hasn't happened yet....doesn't appear that it will

 

You either go NC, stick to it, or accept your choice to be used and strung along.

 

You are right that my primary choice is not to end it. I guess, part of me hopes that she could move and finish things with her husband if she feels she is losing me. But I am not blind and I know that so far she did not do anything to preserve our relationship. But if your words are true then my saying that this is definite end for me and that I wish her to stay out of my life and be in NC should really be end, right?

[HonestNeurotic]

Yes - she is stringing you along. She's pretty sure that you won't leave her, despite your words otherwise. Hurtful. But the Worst Truth is Better than the Best Lie.

 

So if you are cool with being her Number 2 - she means that much to you, then you will have to accept that is all you will get from her. She's not available for a one on one relationship. She is a cake eater.

 

I am a cake eater. I just don't lie about it. Doesn't make it any less wrong, I suppose.

 

It's not a good idea to jump out of a marriage into another committed relationship. It really is a better idea for people to leave their marriages on their own, not because of someone else. It rarely works out for the new relationship.

 

That doesn't negate the fact that you're hurt. NC is probably best for you to get over the hurt faster. Or accept that you are Number 2, if you can be happy with that.

[LostSoulTrain]

I have no one else to talk to about this and this is the only place where I can vent. It has been ten days since I last saw her. We have been in NC since then. It was imposed by me. As I mentioned before, I asked her to be NC so that I can move on. I also said that this was last opportunity I was willing to give to us. Well, I also said some other things which were true but I kept them inside me before just to avoid arguing. Anyway, my last words to her were "what do you want from me" to which she replied "nothing, until I finish things home". To that I said "some day you will want to talk to me but I am not sure whether I will be willing to listen to you then".

 

So here I am ten days later. Sitting alone and feeling enormous burden on my chest. We did not talk at all since then. While I had desire to talk to her I am perfectly aware that no good can come out of it so I did not contact her. I am constantly thinking whether I pushed too far in this last conversation. I wanted to tell her that I am serious but I am constantly worried that I sent wrong message and burned all bridges and closed communication lines permanently.

 

After many days I logged to VoIP that our company uses and noticed that she still has as signature a nickname that I gave to her. Some people will say that I should block her there as well but I cannot do it as it is service that our company uses for work.

 

I know that this post will probably be ignored as I am repeating myself on and on but I really need to talk to somebody who has experience in these things. Did I push it too far with those last words of mine? Was it wrong to say that this was final chance I was willing to give to us? Was it wrong to say that I wish to be complete NC so that I can move on? In the past I would always leave some opportunity for her by saying to contact me only if she is interested in reconciliation and pursuing real relationship with me. This time, however, I said only that I wish her to leave me alone so that I can move on and I am worrying that this was a mistake.

 

I repeat, I have no intention of calling and will not initiate contact under any circumstances but this thought that I maybe did wrong by giving ultimatum where I could have been more supportive is eating me alive. Then again, thoughts are coming of all those times that she pushed me and I had no problem with contacting her. Guys please share some thoughts with me. I need to talk with someone but this is something that I cannot share with anyone.

[carhill]

Try posting in and/or reading this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex

 

Good luck with NC. The thread in my signature can help with that. I went through it a generation ago. Took me a couple years to recover fully. One day at a time.

[LostSoulTrain]

Coincidentally, the other AP you claim isnt you also uses VoIP and can't block her either.

 

Our firm uses VoiP as means of communication so I cant block her

 

Ok, what is your issue? Is your life mission to prove that I am somebody else? Would it make you happy if I issue you a certificate that I am that person? Would you feel proud of yourself for proving whatever it is that you want to prove? Is there only one firm where people work together and cannot block each other's cell phones or skype or whichever mean of communication their company uses? You do not have need to answer my topics if you think I am someone else and I am wasting your time. But if you do not have anything to add to my thread then please stay away from it and direct your anger somewhere else. I came here hoping to find answers to my problem from people who have some experience not to argue with someone like you.

[Catplates]

It took about 90 seconds to locate the thread from the list of my posts. All I needed was the title of the thread and I knew immediately which one it was. Copying and pasting took minutes.

 

Anyway.

 

Why? Because WE wasted our time responding on his initial thread, he didn't listen and now he's back asking the SAME EXACT THING and expects us to (not only believe we have no memory from three months ago), but waste more of our time responding to this one with the SAME advice he's not going to take.

 

Alice, if you think he's a waste of your time... then just don't. YOur'e using up time and space on the thread yourself to prove what?

[Catplates]

I really hoped that she will stay away after our conversation yesterday. But tonight she sends me link to song "I belong to you" and after that text "please forgive me, I am drunk". Can someone really be so cruel to do things like this? I feel as if she is trying to mess with my head or something. Maybe this is not place to write such things but I feel I need to vent somewhere.

 

Sounds like she is unstable in many ways. Does she have a drinking problem? Is this the way she solves her dilemmas?

[LostSoulTrain]

Sounds like she is unstable in many ways. Does she have a drinking problem? Is this the way she solves her dilemmas?

 

No, she does not drink too often. In the past I tried to leave many times. The pattern of behaviour would go something like this: She would do something to force me either to leave or to throw my self-respect at her feet. In the beginning I would sometimes go with the flow but as time went by I felt I had enough and I would leave. Then we would be in NC for several days. After time passes she would come to see me in my office or would send me for days texts at late night hours which would not elicit responses. I would ignore all of it until she comes and says "this time I want it to work for real". I would cave in and things would be better for some time until she starts pulling away, giving me silent treatment when I try to talk and saying she is scared that she does not have enough strength to do this. The pattern would then repeat itself.

 

In our last conversation she was pretty much relaxed while I talked about break-up. She did not argue it or anything. The only thing that made her react was when I said that I wish us to be in complete NC and that I will block her if she has problem with respecting this wish. She begged me not to block her and asked for how long would I wish to be NC so I said "you never can tell, but at this point I think we are done for good". She was very very angry after this. I could feel it. It was almost as a child that does not have things going his way. I have a feeling that she hoped she will keep me in affair by giving into relationship many things that I felt were missing and that she will not have to leave her husband. Yet, I am at the stage where only thing that can mean to me is her leaving him. But then again, in this conversation I told her I can no longer live with uncertainty so she said "the only thing to relieve you from that is to leave". Dont know what to think or expect anymore.

[Catplates]

I was an OW for almost 5 years. I would go NC and he would come begging. He would throw me crumbs because he knew how alone I was..

 

I was weak and I let him reel me back in. There were promises of times to be spent together which oddly enough he always fulfilled. He BEGGED me not to cut him out of my life... just the odd text and email, or and occasional call, It worked everytime. He said he couldn't live happily without me. He was stringing me along just like this woman is doing to you.

 

It has taken me a lot of time and pain to extricate myself from him and the A. It's almost 2 years now. The memory is still painful at times.

 

I would hate to see the same happen to you. If you go NC you have to mean it with your whole heart and mind. If you don't, you are just kidding yourself and playing some kind of game with the MW.

 

I feel deep empathy with anybody who is suffering in an affair.

 

Cat.

[LostSoulTrain]

I was an OW for almost 5 years. I would go NC and he would come begging. He would throw me crumbs because he knew how alone I was..

 

I was weak and I let him reel me back in. There were promises of times to be spent together which oddly enough he always fulfilled. He BEGGED me not to cut him out of my life... just the odd text and email, or and occasional call, It worked everytime. He said he couldn't live happily without me. He was stringing me along just like this woman is doing to you.

 

It has taken me a lot of time and pain to extricate myself from him and the A. It's almost 2 years now. The memory is still painful at times.

 

I would hate to see the same happen to you. If you go NC you have to mean it with your whole heart and mind. If you don't, you are just kidding yourself and playing some kind of game with the MW.

 

I feel deep empathy with anybody who is suffering in an affair.

 

Cat.

 

This is exactly how she is behaving. Or at least how she used to behave until this last break up. After I went silent some half year ago (the longest break up we had so far) she tried really hard to suck me back into affair by adding more and more things which would make it seem like a real relationship. But this was something that would have mattered to me in the beginning of relationship. By the time she started doing these things the only thing that could make me content was to hear and see her leaving him. I guess this silence since our last break up has to do with the fact that she realised I will not settle for anything less than real relationship and she no longer has any use of me. Still, there is some tiny hope inside of me that she will keep her promise to sort things out at home in next few weeks and come to me. Some here will say it is just wishful thinking. Probably it is, I know.

[Catplates]

This is exactly how she is behaving. Or at least how she used to behave until this last break up. After I went silent some half year ago (the longest break up we had so far) she tried really hard to suck me back into affair by adding more and more things which would make it seem like a real relationship. But this was something that would have mattered to me in the beginning of relationship. By the time she started doing these things the only thing that could make me content was to hear and see her leaving him. I guess this silence since our last break up has to do with the fact that she realised I will not settle for anything less than real relationship and she no longer has any use of me. Still, there is some tiny hope inside of me that she will keep her promise to sort things out at home in next few weeks and come to me. Some here will say it is just wishful thinking. Probably it is, I know.

 

I think what they do has been called "future faking"... it's a bit like trying to sell their product. Don't forget they are great sales people.

 

When I started to call MM out on all the ridiculous statements he made about the future, such as always being there if he were ever needed, he just went cold on the whole thing. If you cease to dance their dance, they lose interest very quickly.

 

He finally emailed me that we would both have to want the affair enough for it to continue... he never got the point that I wasn't satisfied with the affair. He failed to acknowledge any of the pain it caused me to know that he was with his wife and not me.

 

It's almost like a spoilt brat not getting their own way and being petulant about it.

 

Leave well enough alone... if you fail to respond in a predictable manner, she won't be interested.

 

Car

[spice4life]

I have no one else to talk to about this and this is the only place where I can vent. It has been ten days since I last saw her. We have been in NC since then. It was imposed by me. As I mentioned before, I asked her to be NC so that I can move on. I also said that this was last opportunity I was willing to give to us. Well, I also said some other things which were true but I kept them inside me before just to avoid arguing. Anyway, my last words to her were "what do you want from me" to which she replied "nothing, until I finish things home". To that I said "some day you will want to talk to me but I am not sure whether I will be willing to listen to you then".

 

So here I am ten days later. Sitting alone and feeling enormous burden on my chest. We did not talk at all since then. While I had desire to talk to her I am perfectly aware that no good can come out of it so I did not contact her. I am constantly thinking whether I pushed too far in this last conversation. I wanted to tell her that I am serious but I am constantly worried that I sent wrong message and burned all bridges and closed communication lines permanently.

 

After many days I logged to VoIP that our company uses and noticed that she still has as signature a nickname that I gave to her. Some people will say that I should block her there as well but I cannot do it as it is service that our company uses for work.

 

I know that this post will probably be ignored as I am repeating myself on and on but I really need to talk to somebody who has experience in these things. Did I push it too far with those last words of mine? Was it wrong to say that this was final chance I was willing to give to us? Was it wrong to say that I wish to be complete NC so that I can move on? In the past I would always leave some opportunity for her by saying to contact me only if she is interested in reconciliation and pursuing real relationship with me. This time, however, I said only that I wish her to leave me alone so that I can move on and I am worrying that this was a mistake.

 

I repeat, I have no intention of calling and will not initiate contact under any circumstances but this thought that I maybe did wrong by giving ultimatum where I could have been more supportive is eating me alive. Then again, thoughts are coming of all those times that she pushed me and I had no problem with contacting her. Guys please share some thoughts with me. I need to talk with someone but this is something that I cannot share with anyone.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with respecting how you feel by telling her what it is that you need in order to continue with the relationship. If you cannot accept the boundaries of an A then you must express those feelings, respect them and stick to your guns. Anything less is disrespecting who you are as a person.

 

Look at it this way, you are hurtng because you fell for her and now you're mourning that loss. The doubt you're feeling is part of that process; it's called remorse and bargaining. These are normal feelings and you are going to vacillate (sp?) back and forth for a while until you get to a better place with it all. Just realize that there is nothing you can do to change her situation - that is up to her. All you can do is respect yourself enough to walk away if the terms are less than you are willing to accept. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. Let yourself go through the healing process and move on. If she really wants a relationship with you IRL she will do what she needs to do to make that happen. Anything less cannot be taken seriously.

Edited January 4, 2013 by spice4life

[LostSoulTrain]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with respecting how you feel by telling her what it is that you need in order to continue with the relationship. If you cannot accept the boundaries of an A then you must express those feelings, respect them and stick to your guns. Anything less is disrespecting who you are as a person.

 

Look at it this way, you are hurtng because you fell for her and now you're mourning that loss. The doubt you're feeling is part of that process; it's called remorse and bargaining. These are normal feelings and you are going to vacillate (sp?) back and forth for a while until you get to a better place with it all. Just realize that there is nothing you can do to change her situation - that is up to her. All you can do is respect yourself enough to walk away if the terms are less than you are willing to accept. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. Let yourself go through the healing process and move on. If she really wants a relationship with you IRL she will do what she needs to do to make that happen. Anything less cannot be taken seriously.

 

I dont think she will do anything. Every time in the past she tried to get me back by offering something that could be understood as sign she is leaving him. Yet, whenever we would come to that final step she would back down. She tried same tactic this time when she asked to meet and told me she will sort out her situation right after holidays. Two days later she said "no, I cant do it". I think she understands now that only way I would be with her is to leave him and she no longer has any use of me as AP. Therefore, I dont think that I will hear from her anymore.

[LostSoulTrain]

Hi, I did not post here for some time. Anyway it has been almost a month since I last saw my AP or talked to her. The only thing I noticed is that she still has as a signature on VoIP of our company a nickname I gave to her and whose meaning is known only to two of us. Not sure if it means anything.

 

I am writing here because of different problem. The thing is we work together and we used to be part of group that drinks coffee every day together for years. This would usually take place in office where she is and few other colleagues. Since I broke up with her I avoided going to office and worked from home a lot. This is not uncommon in our company. When I was in office I did not go to these meetings nor did I stop by her office single time.

 

Recently other colleagues started asking if I am angry on them and why am I avoiding them? I am in doubt how to handle this situation. On one hand, I want to stay away from her so I can move on but also to make her miss me. Yes, it is probably stupid but tiny part of me hopes that she might change her mind. On the other hand, I cannot have my life on hold forever and loose my other friends/colleagues just so I can avoid her. Another thing that puzzled me was conversation with female friend of mine other day who mentioned that she might actually miss me more if she sees me around and knows it is over.

 

I realise that some of you will say I am looking for excuses to come closer to her but my primary concern here is how to keep avoiding her/maintaining NC but not loose my other friends.