Lasting love in marriages

[Seductive]

How many of you know or experience a marriage where the love stays and doesn't fade? I'm asking, because people in my culture think love marriages are not worth it. I've been pressured to get an arranged marriage, and am told that it's a more superior option. The idea is that love will grow over time, but this didn't work for me. I dated people in the past to please my parents, and I tried to force love/attraction, but it never happened. These "business transaction" relationships just left me feeling dead, and my partners were resentful that I didn't like them. What makes me happy is having that instant chemistry. It's amazing! So, can any of you serve as examples that love marriages do work?

[BetrayedH]

I think most people come here when they have marital problems so you're likely to have few responses about picture perfect love marriages.

 

I could never agree to an arranged marriage. It's just foreign to me.

 

But I would also challenge your notion about that amazing chemistry in a "love" marriage. It certainly begins that way but a truly lasting marriage is one where the chemistry thing evolves and becomes much more about mutual respect and admiration. True love between long-term spouses is beyond limerence. Chemistry will come and go. If you want or need that chemistry piece consistently, I have a feeling that you'll be disappointed in any marriage at some point and it may not be the thing for you at all.

[BetheButterfly]

How many of you know or experience a marriage where the love stays and doesn't fade? I'm asking, because people in my culture think love marriages are not worth it. I've been pressured to get an arranged marriage, and am told that it's a more superior option. The idea is that love will grow over time, but this didn't work for me. I dated people in the past to please my parents, and I tried to force love/attraction, but it never happened. These "business transaction" relationships just left me feeling dead, and my partners were resentful that I didn't like them. What makes me happy is having that instant chemistry. It's amazing! So, can any of you serve as examples that love marriages do work?

 

Sad to say, many love marriages fail, but I think the main reason is because people do not know what true love is and instead mistake infatuation and the "lovey-dovey" in love feeling as meaning "I love him/her."

 

Love is so much more than just a feeling. True love is action.

 

My husband and I love each other very much. Our marriage is a love marriage, but one of the things we learned through our mentors (we have friends who have been married for more than 30 years) is that one must cultivate love. If love is not cultivated, it dies.

 

There are many "poisons" that can kill love, including the following: hurtful words, unfaithfulness, bitterness, hatred, selfishness, greed, apathy, jealousy, cruelty, abuse (physical, sexual, and verbal).

 

Sad to say, so many love marriages can end in bitter, hateful divorce because a "poison" has been allowed/administered to the love.

 

Because of this, it's very important to protect and nurture the love between a couple, and make sure not to allow any "poison" near it. This takes work but is most definitely worth it!!! :bunny:

 

Personally, I recommend love marriages instead of arranged marriages, even though sadly, a love marriage doesn't guarantee that the love will stay. What is important then is to love a person who understands what true love is and who makes it his/her goal to protect that love and cultivate that love with you.

 

It's always nice when a relationship starts with mutual feelings of attraction and infatuation, but real love is shown by actions, not just feelings.

[JamesM]

After 22 years, I can say that love marriages work...even when they have their problems.

 

I look at my wife and see a more beautiful woman than the beautiful young girl I married. She says that I look more handsome than I did as a young "boy."

 

Ours was certainly not arranged.

 

Is there problems? Of course. Is it "happily ever after?" Nope. Can it thrive while even having its ups and downs? Absolutely.

 

Is it better than an arranged marriage? I have no clue as I have never been in one, or witnessed one up close. But I would say that to me, it seems so much more enjoyable to be married to the one who is my best friend and lover than to be married to someone who my folks think is best for me.

[Seductive]

 

But I would also challenge your notion about that amazing chemistry in a "love" marriage. It certainly begins that way but a truly lasting marriage is one where the chemistry thing evolves and becomes much more about mutual respect and admiration. True love between long-term spouses is beyond limerence.

 

That's what I meant. I think it's important to be sexually attracted to your partner, but it's not the whole package.After sexual compatiblity is put aside, I agree with Beth on what a true loving relationship consists of. I know I won't be able to madly fall in love with someone, if I don't initially feel the sexual attraction. A marriage with no attraction is like two roommates living together.

 

 

Arranged marriages CAN work for some people. When it comes to me, it's not my cup of tea. I know people that don't care about attraction, romance and passion. My mom prefers arranged marriages, because a rich man taking care of her is her idea of a happy marriage.

Edited December 10, 2012 by Seductive

[Seductive]

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It's funny the comment about arranged marraiges being like 2 roommates living together, what's sad is that many people let their marriages become that. If you really want a love match fight for it... and then work for it every day.

 

Love is hard work, but it's worth it.

 

Oh yes, I should clarify that love marriages can turn out like that. You may like someone in the beginning, but then hate their guts later on. What's safer to me is to know that I like the person when I say "I do" than to wait and find out after the knot is tied.

[Mr. Lucky]

How many of you know or experience a marriage where the love stays and doesn't fade? I'm asking, because people in my culture think love marriages are not worth it.

I'd say my wife and I have a healthy marriage though we've certainly had our ups and downs. I guess the good news has been that, if love has faded at times, it's also (re)bloomed at others .

 

What interesting in light of your question is that, if I look at my immediate circle of married friends (12-15 couples), easily the most successful marriage in terms of how they seem to be still connected on a day-to-day basis after 20 years together is a couple from India (doctor and his wife) that had an arranged marriage. I've heard them tell the story many times - met the first time 3 weeks before the wedding and never spent a moment together unchaperoned before the ceremony. Just shows how fate - and luck - also plays a part...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

Seductive..one thing i would like to mention is the religious aspect of marriage. I was taught that marriage was one of the convenants between people and G**. I use that to reinforce my marriage. I made 2 vows the day i was married..1 to G**, and1 to my wife....to stay married and make itt work. I may want to break my vow with my wife at times, but i will not break my vow to G**.

[Clockwork]

I have just 5 years of marriage. However, my wife and I are more in love now that ever before, it keeps getting better. She is 28 now and I met her when she was 22. Honestly, I was very attracted to her from day one, but it has grown in time. I find her sexier now than ever before. I wondered how things would be with our son, but it has made me love her - and become attracted to her - even more. I didn't think it would work that way but it did.

 

We love each other because we trust each other. We don't embarass the other person, speak ill of them when they aren't around and complain about them to our friends or family. Rule #1 for a successful marriage, never, ever embarass your spouse. The rest will fall into place because you will respect each other. Also, I find as you are together longer you tend to love the imperfections of each other that make you unique.

 

So yes, there can be lasting love - and passion - in a marriage

[Seductive]

I don't know where you live, but in America, if anyone tries to tell us who we should marry, we get to tell them to f*ck the hell off.

 

Maybe you should try it American-style.

 

The next time someone tries to tell you who you should get married to, tell them to f*ck off.

 

What's the worse thing that could happen to you, other than perhaps being stoned to death while a copy of the Holy Quran is shoved up your ass, depending upon your precise geographical location, of course?

 

I live in America.

 

The only thing that got my parents to stop pressuring me into an arranged marriage was threatening suicide. Hell, I even told my mom that I was attracted to women HOPING that she would understand that an arrranged marriage is a bad idea for me. It didn't work. She thought that choosing a man for me would kill my interest in women.

 

There are some parents out there where "f*ck off " and "No, I'm not interested" don't work. My Indian parents have been in America for over 30 years, yet they still don't understand an adult woman's right to choose. They even put an ad behind my back on an arranged marriage without my permission. My sister-in-law went on my facebook and gave my photos to my parents. That's how strong-willed my parents are. They want their way and they will do anything to get it.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Seductive