kaiser11 Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 My girlfriend and I having been together for two years now. Over the last few months we have been on and off. We are now trying to discuss if we want to continue or not. This is my issue: I am an outdoorsman type, I have alot of things that I like to do, fishing, golf, football games, etc. My girlfriend has a 4 year old child from another marriage. She wants a man who puts family first, spends all of their time with the family, and never do anything outside the family with friends. I want all those same things, but I try to explain to her that occassionally I need some time for myself. She has agreed to my fishing which this entire summer has only been three times. She also agreed that I can go to one football game in the fall and one basketball game after work at the school I teach at. She also agreed to one weekend fishing getaway a year. The stipulation is I can not go with anyone else unless they are married. No single guy friends. Even if we are going to a remote cabin in the woods hunting or fishing, they have to be married or it is unacceptible. I explained it is not about who I do something with, it is about doing things I have always loved to do and I don't want to do anything unreasonable. I do not go to bars with my friends or co-workers, I do not want to do anything where there is other women involved, I am just asking to not be limited to fishing and a football game in the fall. If I have spent two or three weeks with the family and only the family occassionally, I would like to do something else I have always enjoyed doing within the scope of our relationship or marriage. An example is maybe I would like to go golfing or a card game with the guys. She says I am being unreasonable and she wants someone who is going to put the family first. I don't see how that is not putting the family first. She wants me to say I will only have fishing and that is it. By the way I am a school teacher and a charter captain, so in the summer I do about 3 or 4 charters a week and the rest of the time is spent at home unless occassionally I go fishing with friends who chip in money for expenses. The reason I started the charter business is to help pay for a boat so I can fish myself. So finally she says you can have one thing not fifty million different things, I have to choose one. I don't think I am being unreasonable, all I am asking is that I am not limited to decideing in advance exactly what I want for a given year. I explain if I am home and do things with the family for several weeks in a row, why can't I do something with my brother or a friend or two. Again no bars or anything like that. She say's you have your fishing, I say but I only have gone three times this year. I ask what else have I done over the last year which is nothing, and she changes the subject and won't answer the question. All I ask is that she be happy for me if I want to do something once and awhile. Here's the kicker, this argument has been the same for two years give or take. We do not agree on the responsibilies in a marriage. I feel like it is not a jail sentence and she doesn't want me doing everything under the sun. Both of us are obviously exagerating. Lastly, she says she is much more insecure now and I don't think it will ever change. Four months ago my ex wife from 6 years ago sent me an email asking if I would help her proofread a marketing plan so I did and that was it. Granted I did have relations with my ex all the way up to two years ago but stopped when I met my present girlfriend. We'll she went off on me, broke off our engagement and left. I then went on match.com and looked around, did not join just looked. She found out and broke it off again. After that she started questioning everything and becaome rediculously insecure and mean. So in May I looked on another site she didn't find out till now, still I only looked. During the summer I broke up with her a few times because of the lousy treatment I was getting. Each time I did, she went out and talked to new men on the phone she met from match and went on a date with one she knew our whole relationship. She also went to bars with her friends and admittingly talked to many men. Still I did not meet or talk to anyone, I tried once to talk to someone on match with no response. Also, two of my friends in question she doesn't want me to see smoke pot and are kind of womenizers. I stopped hanging around them completely except for a fishng trip here or there and that is it. Oh yeah I helped one with something on his house for an hour and she freaed out over that. I am very intereted in hearing your feelings on if I am being unreasonable or not. Please respond ASAP because we are broken up right now. Scott Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 It doesn' t sound like you are being unreasonable to me, although I'd be interested in hearing her side of the story, and maybe your ex-wife's as well. From what you have said here, it does not sound like the 2 of you are compatible, and perhaps it would be best for you to break it off. If you decide to stay together, the 2 of you will have to come to some sort of compromise, whether you think it is unreasonable or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kaiser11 Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 I forgot to mention, I met her while she was going through her divorce and her husband is a psycho. He has been in our lives calling, emails, etc. But he said many times he wants nothing to do with his daughter. She says she is only huouring him so she can get money and I for the most part believe her because I know she doesn't want to be with him. The problem is after I helped my ex she continued to talk to him and even help him with things that have nothing to do with their daughter. One night he called at 4:30 in the morning from Iraq and I could here here giggling and asking him questions about who he is dating. I hate double standards and I feel she never respected my feelings about her relationship with her ex. To this day he still calls and makes comments about other things besides their daughter. And she says nothing, I tell her to tell him if it has nothing to do with their duaghter than she is not going to talk to him. SHE WON"T DO THAT. I feel like she has some nerve chastizing me about my ex who I never talk to and could care less about. Link to post Share on other sites
NorCalSarah Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I know where you are coming from. I am working with my BF on not limiting me to things. I dont think it is unreasonable to want more fishing trips or football games. Just explain to her that these are healthy things that you do to make you happy. If it is about the kids, maybe you could teach them about football. As far as the talking to the ex, because of the children, he will always be around. We are two going through the same thing. It sounds like she still has feelings for him. I would still answer the phone if my fathers dad called from Iraq but only to hand the phone to my son. That is because I have no feelings for him, friendship or otherwise, but it is important he is a part of my sons life. Sorry if this is too Long. Friends seem to always be a problem in relationships. She doesnt like your, you dont liker hers, or both. Set your boundries before it too late!! You have the right to pick/have your own friends, not her! but that means the same for her too. The pot smokin', womanizer friends are yours. If she is bothered by them try not to bring thier additudes/habbits home with you, know what I mean? N E Ways, Good Luck-Sarah Link to post Share on other sites
zoomer Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Is it the fishing, golfing, etc, that is important or being with your friends? I understood that it is the love of the sport. Why not invite her to go along with you? That should please you both....her for spending the time with you and of course you, for getting to do your favorite things. Why would you not include her? That would also help her insecurity issues I think. IF you love each other, you would both enjoy the time spent - even if it wasn't her "cup of tea" she would probably just enjoy being there with you. HOWEVER, you should do the same for her. AND, what is it that she does to "have time to herself"??? LOL...Probably nothing. Do you offer to babysit for her (if the child is young) while she goes shopping with her girlfriends? (or whatever it is she likes) You see, she probably never has the opportunities you do. (Maybe I'm wrong) but turn the situation around and think. Just an insight...not saying your right or wrong. You both have to come to an agreement and compromise with one another. Making things work out between two people is sometimes tough but requires compassion and understanding for the others feelings and thoughts. It is a give and take and you have to be willing to sacrifice at times. In the end, if you love one another, it will always payoff and be worth every moment. JUST MY OPINION Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Sounds like you might be better off not together. While together she is being controlling and a hypocrite. My only suggestion would be to find a good marriage counselor, and look for some good relationship books. She has insecurity problems, that you shouldn't have to be the punching bag for. Link to post Share on other sites
Jacksin Posted August 13, 2004 Share Posted August 13, 2004 Once again jmargel has stolen my thunder and I agree 100% Jack Link to post Share on other sites
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