500 texts in less than a week to him.

[jamesdoe]

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. We have been living together for 8 months. We love each other immensely. She has struggled with alcohol and addiction in the past but she has been sober for 8+ months. Not a sip of any alcohol and no drugs. She joined an online support group which I was happy about. I wanted her to have support of other people and possibly go to aa meetings together. Recently she has started texting some guy from there. (she has mentioned him twice to me in passing. I know nothing about him except what neighborhood he lives in...not even his name.) From online phone records, she has texted with him over 500 times over the course of less than a week. She did not text with him over the weekend. One day last week, she texted with him from 12 pm to 3:30 pm NONSTOP at work. She has texted with him over 100 times today from 10 to 11 am. She deletes her texts periodically every day so no chance I can even ask to see the texts.

 

I have no idea how to approach this situation. Am I in the wrong for feeling like this isn't normal? I am for having friends but why would your serious girlfriend be texting another guy this much? I would appreciate any and all responses. Thank you.

[Darren Steez]

Way, way, way too much! What's so important they can't get on the blower and talk to each other (Not that you'd want that), so many texts back and forth usually indicated heavy flirting...deleting texts RED FLAGS.

Now stop being a nice guy and nip this in the bud.

Trouble is if you reveal how you found out she'll simply take it underground, so simply come out and ask her what's up, if she's happy or not because the disrespecting will only gain momentum until she goes all the way.

[confused137]

Thats VERY excessive. Speaking from experience, the only time a girl txt's a guy that much is when she is interested in them and wants to take things further. Short of meeting them, thats how they get to know each other and connect. If it was an innocent conversation then she wouldn't delete them. They would be on her phone for you to see at any time.

 

I'd say print out the phone bill from online. Ask her to talk to you about it first and if she lies then show her the bill. She will then have to make a decision to come clean and be honest with you or she will blow up.

 

Word of warning, If she gets defensive then shes doing something she shouldn't be doing.

[GLDheart]

For me, what she is doing is WAY over the line. No warning, I would cut her loose.

 

You live together. What are your living options like? Who's place is it yours, hers, a rental you guys got together?

 

Time for talk is over. It's Action time.

[jamesdoe]

For me, what she is doing is WAY over the line. No warning, I would cut her loose.

 

You live together. What are your living options like? Who's place is it yours, hers, a rental you guys got together?

 

Time for talk is over. It's Action time.

 

It is my place.

[jamesdoe]

Thats VERY excessive. Speaking from experience, the only time a girl txt's a guy that much is when she is interested in them and wants to take things further. Short of meeting them, thats how they get to know each other and connect. If it was an innocent conversation then she wouldn't delete them. They would be on her phone for you to see at any time.

 

I'd say print out the phone bill from online. Ask her to talk to you about it first and if she lies then show her the bill. She will then have to make a decision to come clean and be honest with you or she will blow up.

 

Word of warning, If she gets defensive then shes doing something she shouldn't be doing.

 

So what if she says that it is all innocent? That it is just talking about everyday stuff or talking about being sober, etc.

[Emilia]

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. We have been living together for 8 months. We love each other immensely. She has struggled with alcohol and addiction in the past but she has been sober for 8+ months. Not a sip of any alcohol and no drugs. She joined an online support group which I was happy about. I wanted her to have support of other people and possibly go to aa meetings together. Recently she has started texting some guy from there. (she has mentioned him twice to me in passing. I know nothing about him except what neighborhood he lives in...not even his name.) From online phone records, she has texted with him over 500 times over the course of less than a week. She did not text with him over the weekend. One day last week, she texted with him from 12 pm to 3:30 pm NONSTOP at work. She has texted with him over 100 times today from 10 to 11 am. She deletes her texts periodically every day so no chance I can even ask to see the texts.

 

I have no idea how to approach this situation. Am I in the wrong for feeling like this isn't normal? I am for having friends but why would your serious girlfriend be texting another guy this much? I would appreciate any and all responses. Thank you.

 

She has an addictive personality, she swapped alcohol and drugs for male attention. I'd say this will not turn out to be a healthy relationship.

[veggirl]

So what if she says that it is all innocent? That it is just talking about everyday stuff or talking about being sober, etc.

 

She should be talking to you about those things, not another man. That is just laying the ground work for an emotional affair (she's already in one, basically) which will likely turn physical. Just wait for the "you don't understand, you haven't been through it! He understands!"

 

if she doesn't put an end to this relationship w/ the other guy, you are going to find yourself the 3rd wheel pretty quick.

 

She can't find a WOMAN in the program to talk to? Why not? Why HIM?

[jamesdoe]

She should be talking to you about those things, not another man. That is just laying the ground work for an emotional affair (she's already in one, basically) which will likely turn physical. Just wait for the "you don't understand, you haven't been through it! He understands!"

 

if she doesn't put an end to this relationship w/ the other guy, you are going to find yourself the 3rd wheel pretty quick.

 

She can't find a WOMAN in the program to talk to? Why not? Why HIM?

 

What if she does say that? How do I reply to that? I have been supportive of her. I do not drink because she does not. I am here for her, always.

[veggirl]

What if she does say that? How do I reply to that? I have been supportive of her. I do not drink because she does not. I am here for her, always.

 

Does she actually go to AA or something? If she tells you that you don't understand, ask her why she can't talk to a woman about it. Ask her why she doesn't respect that you feel uncomfortable with her texting another man 500x in a week!! I mean this guy isn't her sponsor or anything, they would assign her another woman not a man!, perhaps she should read up on the reasons for that.....

 

does this guy live near you?

 

Regardless, she doesn't respect your feelings, clearly.

[jamesdoe]

Does she actually go to AA or something? If she tells you that you don't understand, ask her why she can't talk to a woman about it. Ask her why she doesn't respect that you feel uncomfortable with her texting another man 500x in a week!! I mean this guy isn't her sponsor or anything, they would assign her another woman not a man!, perhaps she should read up on the reasons for that.....

 

does this guy live near you?

 

Regardless, she doesn't respect your feelings, clearly.

 

Lives 20 min away by car. I have heard him mentioned twice to me. That is all I know about him...that he lives 20 min away. She does NOT go to AA. She told me that she has been thinking of going with someone but she hasn't. Not once.

[jamesdoe]

Any other advice? Going to confront her tonight...all help appreciated. Thanks.

[Redbirdinabrightsky]

Any other advice? Going to confront her tonight...all help appreciated. Thanks.

 

Do not listen to any mention or protest that she makes saying it is all innocent. That she deletes the texts tells you everything.

 

How would she know that he is only 20 mins away unless she was at his place and has the trip timed to perfection?

 

The only way to play this is to decide if you want to throw her out of your place, or keep her, and can you handle the fact that she likely has cheated on you?

 

We know she is cheating emotionally, but where there is smoke there is fire. It has probably happened already.

 

Now, when you talk to her, PLAY IT STRONG, make sure you get home from work way ahead of her, maybe call in sick at work. Pack up everything she will need for a long time, print out your cell bill, and when she gets home, make her leave your house, or that guy, and no other options. None, else you are being disrespected.

 

Any protestation from her that it is all fckin 'frilly and innocent' and that you sir are being a creepy-jealous whatever, and tell her to hit the door ASAP. If she is honest and tells you she made out with him (meaning sucked him off last week), but that she will stay with you and kick him to the dirt, well, that is your call.

 

500 texts in a week? It is time to hit the curb.

[Emilia]

Any other advice?

 

Get out of this relationship and find someone who is able to set healthy boundaries.

[todreaminblue]

I have been with my girlfriend for over a year. We have been living together for 8 months. We love each other immensely. She has struggled with alcohol and addiction in the past but she has been sober for 8+ months. Not a sip of any alcohol and no drugs. She joined an online support group which I was happy about. I wanted her to have support of other people and possibly go to aa meetings together. Recently she has started texting some guy from there. (she has mentioned him twice to me in passing. I know nothing about him except what neighborhood he lives in...not even his name.) From online phone records, she has texted with him over 500 times over the course of less than a week. She did not text with him over the weekend. One day last week, she texted with him from 12 pm to 3:30 pm NONSTOP at work. She has texted with him over 100 times today from 10 to 11 am. She deletes her texts periodically every day so no chance I can even ask to see the texts.

 

I have no idea how to approach this situation. Am I in the wrong for feeling like this isn't normal? I am for having friends but why would your serious girlfriend be texting another guy this much? I would appreciate any and all responses. Thank you.

 

 

ok...i said i would talk about my therapy circle i had in reality not online and this is the topic i need to........i have had hospital stays due to mental illness...in pysch wards they have therapy circles....these people arent just addicts some are seriously ill with mental illness an d normally mental illness does involve substance abuse including alcohol....so we would do the circles and work out our issues together...it is the most effective way i feel of dealing with issues of a past.....i had a long term partner who had actually taken compassionate leave so i could stay in hospital....he had to mind the kids.....this one guy in the circle hated me ...i mean literal hatred...he thought i was a spy he would abuse me any chance he got ...because i was able to be an empath i could help people with their problems so he thought i had read every ones files......i had not ...it was just me being able to pre empt what people felt......i can be an empath if i am not too close too someone.....anyway......i took the abuse it is part of circle therapy and it can be brutal sometimes...... and i took it for days....and he was pretty mean.....he scared guys......i eventually just sat there not saying anything to anyone with tears just falling........tried to hide my face...i didnt sob just let the tears fall......he looked at me probably for the first time ...and said i am so sorry deb.......so i smiled at him......he developed feelings for m e....and i developed feelings for him..the moral of the story i shared is...therapy can sometimes draw people together who shouldnt be drawn together....

 

 

we ended up kissing i am nto a cheat.....i asked my friends if i should tell my partner they said no its just kissing......i told my partner....because kissing to m e is the highest form of cheating....i am passionate and that is how i show passion so i told my partner....he got very upset.......i bawled my eyes out......

 

 

 

 

he had cheated on me most of the years we had been together...didnt make me feel any less guilty though...becaue i am not a get revenge type of person and i am not a cheat....i told my shrinks they had the guy removed from my floor.......and from the circle we were in together.......you cant let these text messages go on if your partner needs therapy you need to be there with her in a therapy that invites partners to share as well like al anon normally let partners attend........people who are sick together there are already common bonds that can become confused...you need to be in a more structured group with your gf.......i woudl never do another circle in reality if i were in a relationship i would avoid that from of therapy.......i never had sex with this guy.....it was the nest step ...i just didnt take that step ...your gf sounds like she is invested in someone other than you...stop her.....or end it before you get hurt.....deb

Edited December 12, 2012 by todreaminblue

[todreaminblue]

She has an addictive personality, she swapped alcohol and drugs for male attention. I'd say this will not turn out to be a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

you can have an addictive personality and hav ehealthy relationships if there is honestybut yes she does show signs of addictive personality......but it could be that bond that shoudnt have formed...happens when you have something in common with someone.....but when that bond is purely formed out of sickness with no positive interaction other than that bond that turns intimate its wrong....a joint therpay if the gf agrees and changes and develops honesty would maintain a healthy relationship in my opinion she woudl have to own her stuff ups....deb

[jamesdoe]

Update: Confronted her last night and we had a fight. She said that he was a friend and that she didn't see anything wrong. She said that she deletes everyone's texts so it wasn't just his. She said that they shared similar experiences and that is all they talked about. I exploded. I got really angry (I am 99% of the time very calm and collected.) and decided to leave for a few hours to calm myself down. Before I left, I asked her:"you're going to text him and tell him about how i got mad, aren't you?" She looked at me like I was crazy and said:"No! of course not!" Without 30 min of me leaving. she sent him a very short e-mail saying:"i got in trouble..my boyfriend saw the online phone records." he replied:"i'm sorry and i didn't mean for that. i have the utmost respect for your relationship. after re-reading our texts, they were of a flirtatious nature..."

 

I told her this morning that if she communicated with him again, we would be done. I don't care if he texts her, etc...there should be no reply. I told her that you texted with him for 3 hours nonstop and when I asked you how your day was, you didn't say 1 thing about him. How can you spend more than a third of your day texting someone and not mention him. It is bewildering. We will be going to some sort of couples counseling.

 

Advice? Comments? Thank you for everyone's input thus far.

[veggirl]

How do you know she emailed him afterwards? That is super jacked up esp after telling you 30 min earlier she wouldn't?! She knew what she was doing was wrong all along.

 

What did she say when you told her you will be done if she talks to him again?

Are you prepared to back that up with actually leaving her if she does it? (otherwise you shouldn't have said it)

 

You have only been together for just over a year, why would you bother with counseling and whatnot? Couples counseling when you are only dating (and only for a year no less!) is nothing but a huge red flag that this relationship is not right.

[jamesdoe]

How do you know she emailed him afterwards? That is super jacked up esp after telling you 30 min earlier she wouldn't?! She knew what she was doing was wrong all along.

 

What did she say when you told her you will be done if she talks to him again?

Are you prepared to back that up with actually leaving her if she does it? (otherwise you shouldn't have said it)

 

You have only been together for just over a year, why would you bother with counseling and whatnot? Couples counseling when you are only dating (and only for a year no less!) is nothing but a huge red flag that this relationship is not right.

 

Her laptop was on while she was in the shower this morning. She said that she understood and she would not have any contact with him. Yes, I am prepared to back it up.

 

I know it is difficult to fathom but I love her so much. I cannot imagine being with anyone but her.

[silvermercy]

Dude, I'm sorry but that doesn't look good at all. You can't be going to couple's counselling so EARLY in a relationship. A time when even the most mismatched couples live in a rosy happy universe! In my eyes this is doomed. You're just wasting precious time on her that could be spend on finding a girlfriend that could be the one for you.

[Redbirdinabrightsky]

Update: Confronted her last night and we had a fight. She said that he was a friend and that she didn't see anything wrong. She said that she deletes everyone's texts so it wasn't just his. She said that they shared similar experiences and that is all they talked about. I exploded. I got really angry (I am 99% of the time very calm and collected.) and decided to leave for a few hours to calm myself down. Before I left, I asked her:"you're going to text him and tell him about how i got mad, aren't you?" She looked at me like I was crazy and said:"No! of course not!" Without 30 min of me leaving. she sent him a very short e-mail saying:"i got in trouble..my boyfriend saw the online phone records." he replied:"i'm sorry and i didn't mean for that. i have the utmost respect for your relationship. after re-reading our texts, they were of a flirtatious nature..."

 

I told her this morning that if she communicated with him again, we would be done. I don't care if he texts her, etc...there should be no reply. I told her that you texted with him for 3 hours nonstop and when I asked you how your day was, you didn't say 1 thing about him. How can you spend more than a third of your day texting someone and not mention him. It is bewildering. We will be going to some sort of couples counseling.

 

Advice? Comments? Thank you for everyone's input thus far.

 

 

If you are anything like me, or 89% of the rest of us guys out there, trust this damaged will not be rebuilt. The bridge she built with that guy is built at the expense of burning the bridge with you. You can't walk across a shoddy bridge, because you can't trust it.

 

I haven't read and likely wont read anything anybody else has told you, but I am guessing that counseling, unless she is the one who suggested it, is a bad move this early on in your relationship.

 

Counselling, in my view, is for those with kids and a marriage, a mortgage...

 

Also, like I told you, she lied about her texts being innocent, and for confirmation of that, you have the other guy admitting to it. You can't watch her phone forever, and you've been lied to on a level much larger than "no, I didn't eat the last cookie," and pretending that things can get fixed from here, well, that is on you man.

 

Who suggested the counselling, yourself or her? Has she apologized, or shown remorse for flirtatiously texting the other dude?

 

"She said that he was a friend and that she didn't see anything wrong. She said that she deletes everyone's texts so it wasn't just his. She said that they shared similar experiences and that is all they talked about."

 

At the end of that little spiel, did she ask you if you were a sucker born yesterday? You were right to be angry.

[Redbirdinabrightsky]

technical error so see below

Edited December 13, 2012 by Redbirdinabrightsky
double posted technical error

[aed]

Her laptop was on while she was in the shower this morning. She said that she understood and she would not have any contact with him. Yes, I am prepared to back it up.

 

I know it is difficult to fathom but I love her so much. I cannot imagine being with anyone but her.

 

Really you believe that someone how deleted al her prevous text to the guy is leaving her laptop open when she texted him the moment after you confronted her? having very strong bonds with there sponsor is not uncommonly BUT every AA, CA, NA will advise the two to slow down their contact and A good sponsor would advised her a rehab or a docter around text lets say: 50 that day!

 

Listen I don't know I she is for real or not. I think you are getting played. But my experience is with people with an addiction is. You have to put up very strong boundaries and when those boundaries are crossed, you have to put action to your words. But I think in this case it's to late.

 

 

So don't listen to what she is telling, but look what she does. Is she showing you that things are alright if not leave (give her two week).

 

Also skip the counsling! Set up boundaries!

Edited December 13, 2012 by aed

[GSB81]

Don't waste your time and money on counselling. It isn't needed. What is needed is for your girl to learn how to act in a relationship. I've been in your shoes before. Its betrayal. So many girls today pull "he's just a friend" crap on their boyfriends. I'm sure there are guys doing it too but I don't date guys so I have no experience with the flip side of the coin. I think the next time it comes up ill nip it in the bud on day one. No more trying to he cool with it, no more trying to show how secure I am. As soon as it pisses me off the first time, I'm gonna lay my cards on the table. "Hey, you know how you're constantly up Bob's ass? Well I don't care ones bit for it so unless you plan to remove yourself from said ass, I'll be on my way." I'm tired of trying to explain myself to women who don't seem to give a damn.You are welcome to join me.

[AH1990]

Don't waste your time and money on counselling. It isn't needed. What is needed is for your girl to learn how to act in a relationship. I've been in your shoes before. Its betrayal. So many girls today pull "he's just a friend" crap on their boyfriends. I'm sure there are guys doing it too but I don't date guys so I have no experience with the flip side of the coin. I think the next time it comes up ill nip it in the bud on day one. No more trying to he cool with it, no more trying to show how secure I am. As soon as it pisses me off the first time, I'm gonna lay my cards on the table. "Hey, you know how you're constantly up Bob's ass? Well I don't care ones bit for it so unless you plan to remove yourself from said ass, I'll be on my way." I'm tired of trying to explain myself to women who don't seem to give a damn.You are welcome to join me.

 

Too true! I've dealt with this in two different ways:

1) Telling your girlfriend that it bothers you and see where she takes it. If she stops, then you know that she really cared about you.

2) Realizing that your girlfriend has been texting a lot with one of her 'friends', and you just not giving a $hit.

 

It all depends on the girl though. If you tried telling some girls that it bothers you and you want her to stop, she could either stop texting him because she is seeing that it's bugging you, or she could say that you're too controlling and tell all her friends.

 

On the other hand, if you just act all James Bond cool about it and not give a ****, she could slowly stop herself. I've found that if you just don't care if she's doing it, it can work. Just act as if you have the upper hand in the relationship and as if you're the prize to be won. Who gives a $hit if she is texting some other guy. She could leave the relationship any moment, and immediately you start NC and you have another girl who wants you even more.

 

I've found that the younger the girl, the more she will think you're controlling. The recent girl I dated (18yrs old), was doing all this and even more to me. Sometimes ditching out on dates, trying to use me as a last resort and getting too close to some other guys. I just acted as if I didn't give too $hits who she talked to. Go right ahead. Why do I care? You can leave me and I'll go find someone else.

 

Personally, I'd break up with her. Show her you're not going to stand for this bull$hit that she is trying to pull and go find another girl. She can continue to screw up her relationships by doing what she's doing, and you can go get a different girl. Not too hard if you put yourself out there.