He tried to give me herpes

[loveadventure]

I dated someone who didn't tell me he had herpes, then tried to have sex with me during a VISIBLE herpes outbreak 5 months into our "relationship". I found out shortly thereafter he had been cheating with multiple people while telling me we were exclusive. I suspect he knowingly exposed several women to herpes, and now I wonder if I should call the women he was cheating with and tell them what is going on and they need to get tested? I myself tested negative a month after I stopped all sexual contact with him so I hope I'm in the clear. I feel lucky but still can't forget about the other women.

 

I hate the idea of calling the women and informing them about his cheating and his herpes. I just want to move on. But after a month of not speaking to him I still wake up at 4 am and see thier faces in my mind. I found out he was cheating by looking at his texts, so although I have not met these girls I know thier faces and names.

 

I would want another woman to call me if the tables were turned. Is it my responsibility to call these women or should I just stay out of it?

 

Here's the full story:

We dated for 5 months, sleeping together and "exclusive" for 3 months. I asked him to get tested for STDs when we started sleeping together. He said the results were all negative and I don't actually know if he was tested for herpes. I didn't ask to see the results. Yes, that was stupid.

 

Fast forward a couple months later, I've met his friends and family and we're spending a lot of time together. I'm in love. We're in bed, it's dark, we're having some foreplay and I feel bumps on his penis. Then I turn on the lights and SEE bumps on his penis. This looked like an STD so there was no more sexual contact after that and I insisted he get tested the next day, which he wasn't enthusiastic about but he did do it.

 

He got the results and it's genital herpes. He insists he didn't know and he must have been asymptomatic. But I ask how he could not know there were bumps on his penis? Maybe he didn't know what they were but he knew he was having a problem and was just going to have sex with me anyway? It also didn't seem like a primary outbreak from what I read about herpes. It was just a few bumps, not a severe reaction. He didn't question me about giving him the disease although I was his new sex partner. It was sure looking like he knew he had an STD and didn't tell me.

 

I confronted him about these things and he was adamant he didn't know he had an STD and had always been faithful to me. I didn't trust him anymore, though, and became suspicious he was cheating on me. I looked in his texts and saw he had been sleeping with several other women. When I discovered the cheating I totally blew up. I went on and on about the harm he is doing to these women by using them and exposing them to herpes. I told him he needed professional help right away. He was crying, seemed remorseful, and did go to one counseling session as far as I know. Then we stopped talking. This was a month ago.

 

I still feel hurt but that is fading. Here's the bigger problem. I haven't been able to forget about the women I saw in his phone. Maybe they don't have herpes yet, but the next time they sleep with him will be the 3% of the time he's shedding the virus. They get herpes. By not calling them I allowed that to happen. This thought is very troubling.

[ScreamingTrees]

Wow, that is very scary.. I don't know what I would do. If you can contact these women privately to let them know, in case they somehow haven't figured it out, I think I would tell them. They're going to figure out sooner or later, and if he hasn't broken out down there, they may not realize it until it's too late.

[newmoon]

he's a --- for doing that to you - knowingly exposing you to something he would have known he had. but, put yourself in the position of the other girls for a minute - are you really better off telling them? it's not really your place, sorry to say. it's his, or for them to discover on their own. maybe one or two of the girls won't even come up with symptoms and you're potentially scaring them for no reason. maybe one of them is cheating on their own lover/husband and finding this out could put their relationship at risk. personally,i just don't think it's your place, despite being kind on your part. if i was with a guy who did that i wouldn't expect to hear from his current gf and wouldn't actually want to. why scare people with a health issue they may/may not even contract. and if he got it from one of them, they already know. deal with yourself, your health and your relationship with this dude and leave the others alone, imo.

[silvermercy]

I would personally tell them as I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt.

Better have them scared than sorry!!! Depending on the type of herpes they could even get cancer later in life. I wouldn't want that on my conscience!

 

You could do this anonymously if you want.

 

maybe one of them is cheating on their own lover/husband and finding this out could put their relationship at risk.

Huh? What "relationship"? The cheater's!? That's extremely far fetched to happen and even if true why on earth protect a cheater!?!? Edited December 10, 2012 by silvermercy

[Radu]

Tell them.

 

Also, there are a couple of sites online where you can register his name/phone number and what he did, something like a player's site.

[Nightsky]

He's going to get himself shot if he keeps this up.

[TaraMaiden]

In this country, you can report such behaviour to the police. It's action with malicious intent, and it's a legitimate offence.

[Later82012]

Selfish and ignorant fools like him should be Bobbitized.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Later82012

[loveadventure]

Yes, it's hard to believe someone would do this.

 

It seems like most people think I should notify the women. What should I say to these women? And why not just call them from my phone? What would be the reasons for remaining anonymous?

[Taramere]

I still feel hurt but that is fading. Here's the bigger problem. I haven't been able to forget about the women I saw in his phone. Maybe they don't have herpes yet, but the next time they sleep with him will be the 3% of the time he's shedding the virus. They get herpes. By not calling them I allowed that to happen. This thought is very troubling.

 

Well, you could contact them - but you might consider the figures relating to genital herpes

 

STD Facts - Genital Herpes

 

One in six people, and although condoms reduce the chances of it being passed on they don't eliminate it.

 

If these women were, like you, people who he duped (ie they thought they were exclusive with them) then I'd be more inclined to contact them so that they can get checked out. However, if they were women who are in the habit of casual sex/sleeping with men who are cheating on their partners then I'd question whether there is any point...because even if they have herpes, given how common an STD it is, it may well be that they had it before they met your ex partner.

 

I suppose you have to make a call based on what limited info you have on these women.

[Woah]

I would tell them, but see make sure that you don't come across as the bitter girlfriend trying to get revenge. Just urge them to get tested -- chances are a lot of them are a nice girl like you and have no idea he's with others.

[loveadventure]

It's hard to know what to do. I saw in his texts one of the girls thought all other guys are liars, he is the only trustworthy one. They text all the time so there could be implied commitment there. The others seemed more casual.

 

How does it work in the world of casual sex? Do people with stds just not disclose it? Is that common? To me, it seems totally unacceptable but I've always been a commitment minded person and have never had casual sex.