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A Question To Women


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unsureofthings

Hi all...

 

My wife and I have been seperated now for a week. She has moved back home. At the time of her decision we were so furious with eachother that all we were doing was blaming things on one another. Now that she's gone it's given me a real kick in the butt. I did alot of reading and councelling over the past week and have realized alot of things. I personally could of approached thing differently and could have put forth more effort. Becuase I wasnt getting it from her I never wanted to return the favor if you know what I mean. Another issue is that I've been suffering from depression for awhile now but never had the guts to get help or councelling and thought time would heal. I decided now to get help and that I needed to tell her so it would explain alot to her. Anyhow, I spoke to her yesturday and told her about the depression, how I was sorry for somethings and that there was no way I wanted to throw in the towel after only 10 months of marriage. I asked her to please find a place in her heart where she could give us another chance, go to councelling and do the best we can to work at this. She is going through a very hard time right now as she is about to have an intervention for her father who has been an alcoholic for many years. This has always been on her mind and she puts all her efforts into helping him. Anyhow, after telling her this she said "I think we should still move forward with the seperation". I know its only been a week but I'm devestated that she would want to give up after such a short while. I guess my question is this. If any women are reading this can you tell me what you think she's thinking? Have you ever been in a simalar situation where you were so mad and emotionally sealed up that you didnt know what else to say? What do you guy's figure? What should I do? Know that she knows how I feel and that I've opened the door should I just sit back and wait to see what happens? Does she need space from me to trully think? Help? At the end of our conversation I did ask her to please think about all this before she makes and crazy decisions ans she said that she would. Again, I know all she's thinking about right now is her father and the intervention which I would be too.....

 

Help

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You should ask her what she's thinking. Even if she wants to go ahead with the separation, she may still be prepared to tell you how she feels. She's agreed not to make any decisions yet, that's a good sign.

 

None of us know what she is thinking but these are the possibilities I've thought of:

 

With her Father to support, she has too much on her plate to deal with what you have told her and to risk returning to you at the moment.

 

She loves you but is unhappy with the relationship and despite what you've said she doesn't yet believe that you are capable of change. In other words she lacks hope.

 

She doesn't love you any more.

 

 

 

I would give her the space she needs, go ahead with the counselling, continue to reassure her that you are making progress and offer her your support in dealing with her Father. At the same time you need to accept what she is telling you and prepare yourself for the fact that it may be too late. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Good luck.

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If I were your wife I would want to see actions instead of just hearing words. Be supportive of her with her father, because as long as that is going on, how can she fully focus on you two?

 

Back off a bit, go to counceling and when you talk to her, show her through your attitude, conversations, and actions that you are on the road to change. Also let her know that even if she doesn't come back to you..you will continue to see your councelor to better yourself, for yourself, and that your goal is to learn from this mistake and better yourself. Thank her for giving you the wake up call on the road to your mental recovery.

 

Don't keep asking her when she is comming home, let her miss you and also let her deal with her father as well. A supportive husband is better than a husband that is all about me me me...

 

Good luck and keep us updated!

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unsureofthings

Thanks guy's!

 

I guess what I'm really asking here is has any of you been no, no, no! And then after space and time you start to realize that you miss this person and that you do want to work it out? Our entire relationship has been about me initiating reconcilliation every single time and I'm not exagerating here! Because I've always chased for forgiveness even though half the time it wasnt my fault is she expecting the same now too? After space and time she might realize that I'm not calling, emailing and chasing her left right and center anymore. She may feel as though she is losing that control and that the string she's had for so long is cutting. I agree that actions speak louder than words so thats what I'm doing. I'm just frustrated because its only been 10 months and there is no way of truly knowing after such a short time if breaking it off withought really trying and I mean really trying is the best option...

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unsureofthings

I also want to say that I'm not trying to make it sound like I did everything wrong and she did everything right because that is far from the case. I do take blame for things but wish she could for some too. What I meant about a kick in the butt was that it made me realize that I dont want to quit after such a short time, that I lover her with all my heart and that I am willing to do whatever it takes in order for us to repair a mairriage of only 10 months. I'm confused because I cant understand how someone who loves you, marries you would want to give up so easily? I think you are right though, because of the present situation with her father she is clouded and needs to deal with this priority first before she can think straight about us. I will definetly be there to support her through this and for years to come.

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Unsureofthings:

 

I have been married a little over 9 months. My husband left during an argument on June 2nd (over two months ago). I'm in the same boat. My husband isn't facing an intervention, but he's facing a sort-of personal crisis. He has struggled with what he wants to do professionally, he's having a hard time adjusting to being an adult (we married right after he graduated from law school). He's facing responsibilities for the first time in his life and he's not dealing well. I'm getting off track. I am responding because I ABSOLUTELY understand your questions about how can you feel like you've given something a legitimate shot after such a short time? Why did he marry me in the first place if all he had in him was 9 months. I don't think our marriage was that bad (we had a lot of things happen - two close friends died, he lost a job, we were trying to start a business, etc.), but, for the sake of argument, let's say it was bad the last 6 of the 9 months. When he said forever, did he really mean he wouldn't stick it out for more than 9 months? It's so hard to understand. My husband and I have been working on things. He says some days he just wants to pack his stuff and come home. Other days he feels like doing so would be a bad idea. I don't know when he might come to a decision to stay or go. I have told him that you don't make long-term commitments on "feelings." Feelings can change. You make a decision, and you stick with it - even if some days you don't "feel" like maintaining your commitment. I have also told him, just this week, that I'm not interested in "hanging out" with him anymore. I don't think it's helping our marriage. I tell him that I love him and that I want to work on us, but that I don't want to be a part-time wife. If he wants to talk about us, I'm here. I don't know if that's the right decision, but I've been EXTREMELY patient, loving, understanding, and forgiving during this time. I just don't think that he'd ever be motivated to resolve the situation if he could have his wife when he wanted her but not have to deal with the responsibilities of being married. My demeanor during our separation is why we're still in contact. When he left, he didn't leave out of anger with a plan to come back when he was not so mad. He left for good. He has told me that my approach to the separation is what has made him think there might still be hope. Stay the course. Ride your emotions out before you talk to her. Let her have some space. Don't make any moves until you can do so peacefully.

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unsureofthings

Hi rble618740....

 

I think we might be able to really help eachother out. It sounds like were experiencing the same feelings and confusion especially that we've been married around the same amount of time - only 10 months. I've been searching to speak to someone who can help. Send me a private message and maybe we can help eachother out? It's worth a shot, I know sometimes you feel alone in this situation but it looks like we are going through the same emotions? Let me know either way...

 

Thank you guys :)

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I don't know how to e-mail you but I am totally comfortable with continuing to share thoughts and feelings on this thread. There's anonymity here and people will tire of reading our emotions, unless they are in our boat (in which case I'd be interested in hearing what they had to say).

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unsureofthings

Sounds good!

 

I have something to go and do right now but very much want to continue this conversation with you. Please check back freqently as I will be posting something within the next day for your thoughts. See you very soon.. :) This is helping!

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unsureofthings

I'm back... :)

 

I know what your thinking.... Why is he or she doing this? Doesnt he or she love me anymore? I've apologized, admitted that I was wrong, asked for another chance and he or she still doesnt respond. Why? Why? Why? I ask myself all of the same questions too. I mean come on, I've only been married for 10 months. Not nearly enough time to really know wether or not throwing in the towel and pulling the plug is the best decision. How could she just flick me aside that I dont mean anything? How could she be so cold? You remember your wedding, your honeymoon and all the other happy times. All she thinks about is the ruff times. What upsets me is we both made vows to one another. "Till death do us part"....... I dont want to be with someone who is willing to just give up on me and the marriage after only such a short while. Even though I wasnt happy the last few months I never, ever said that I wanted to separate or give up? I'm not a quitter.... confused?

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You nailed my thoughts right on the head. At first I felt devestated, rejected, desparate. I literally begged my husband not to go.

 

Then I talked to a preacher who told me to Affirm, Assert, and QUIT BEGGING. I tried that and my husband and I immediately started having valuable conversations. He's gone to marriage counseling with me a few times and we have been spending some time together each week. Last week I finally told him that I still loved him, still wanted to be married to him, but I did not want to hang out and chit chat with him. I told him to call me if he wanted to talk about how to repair our marriage. I did not think the "dating" thing was accomplishing anything but allowing him to be a part-time husband and avoid deciding whether to come home and work it out.

 

Friday he asked if he could come home on a trial basis. I'm still "unsure of things" but, I know that if you want your marriage to work - you're going to be making most of the sacrifices at this time. I don't know how religious you are (I was not before this experience), but I have had to rely on God to have the strength to do things for this marriage that I would have been too proud or selfish to do before. I have waited and waited for phone calls, I have apologized for my issues though my husband is the one to have walked out, etc. I have pulled myself out of the "I deserve..., I need ..., You're not being fair..." game. This whole time I have focused on me. I have decided that, whether my husband comes or goes, I'm going to be a better person for this experience by addressing those things I can change in myself that contributed to the state of my marriage. I can't change him. I can't make him more dedicated to this marriage.

 

We're both right. Our spouses have not put in enough time to give up on a lifetime promise. Thing is, you can be right and alone or you can take satisfaction in knowing that you have done more than your fair share to save your marriage. The way to do that is to really reflect on what part, even if it was minimal, your actions had in your separation. For example, I had legitimate concerns about my husband's behavior, but I presented them in a really attacking way. I had to try to understand how my husband looked at things. You may need to get some books to do this because I don't think men and women intuitively understand each other's thought processes and communication methods.

 

Worry about you. Find a spiritual release for your overwhelming feelings. Mine was God. Everytime I started to have that wave of desparation or sorrow, I stopped what I was doing and gave those negative feelings to God to deal with. You may think I'm a quack for saying so, but I needed a release and it brought me out of that horrible depressive, dysfunctional state.

 

I told my husband that if more people saw walking out on their spouse as being as horrible as putting a difficult kid up for adoption, there would be less divorce and better marriages. People need to spend their efforts on improving their marriage (at least they parts they have control over) and not spend their efforts on finding a way out.

 

I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I've said and your particular circumstances.

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To rble618740 and unsureofthings,

 

Not to butt in or anything, but I am sort of in the same situation as you both, but my marriage disintigrated in front of my eyes after 5 months of marriage. I took my marriage vows very seriously and was in it for life. I would have done anything for this woman. But after 5 months things changed drastically. See, she started hanging out with another guy "friend." Contact with me became shallow and nonexistent. Instead, she began to divert her attentions to this new guy. As for me, I can connect on the law school level. I just graduated from law school and was in my last year when this all happened. I sometimes second guess myself for the time I had to commit to keep up with law school but at the same time was unable to contribute to her needs and expectations. But law school is demanding to say the least.

 

Anyways, to make a long story rather short, she began to act very odd at this 5 month mark. I started noticing different things she was and was not doing. By month 6, I had caught her over this guys house at 1am in the morning twice. Just friends though. After the second time, she moved out the next day, picked up her things the day after, and filed for divorce the day before my first final in December. Talk about shell shocked. It took me until the last month or two to finally pull myself out of the tailspin.

 

I often blamed myself and beat myself up continuously. Before she left, I did everything I could to tell her I wanted to make things work. I wanted so much to give her the world. Instead, she broke my heart. She is still with this guy as far as I know. So as you see, there are some similarities between your posts and mine. Mine just ended on a sour note...but for a reason I am unaware of at this point in time. Time will eventually reveal this I hope.

 

As a result, I lost 25 pounds I did not have to lose, secluded myself from reality, almost let it pull me out of law school, and almost lost my job. I fought and fought hard for the next 6 months just to survive. I am now nowhere back to my old self, but I am a lot better off than I was back in January. To see stories like yours lets me know that there are other individuals out there who have problems early on in their marriages but who hold on stedfast in the toughest winds. You both define what I believe to be aspirational qualities in a spouse, even in times when the light is dim. You are fighters with a tenacity like no other.

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Sounds to me like your wife is just confused right now and needs some time to think. Whatever you do, don't beg, plead, cry or pressure her into staying. This will just push her further away.

 

You can't control her or whatever choices she decides to make. Just take care of yourself and try to look back into your relationship and see how you may have caused some upset in the marriage. I'm sure she has her faults too, but just try not to pressure her to work on the marriage right now. Give her space. And be PATIENT. I know, time is a killer...but the more patience you have at giving her her space and her time to figure things out, she'll appreciate it.

 

Keep in mind that when you try to convince her that she's "thinking crazy thoughts" or that she's 'making a mistake', it will push her further away from you. In small ways, just let her know that you are there for her and be supportive.

 

Atleast she is not talking about Divorce yet. If you beg, plead and try to call her 100 times a day, she will most likely start to talk about filing for Divorce!

 

Try going to this website, http://www.divorcebusting.com for some advice. They have some good pointers on that site.

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unsureofthings

You know, I've been doing alot of thinking about all this stuff. Everyone say's to not contact the person etc. I believe this to be true to a certain extent. For example..... When my wife and I seperated, I didnt contact her for a week or so. I think we spoke once on the phone once briefly but did not discuss anything about the relationship. It's been a little over two weeks now and she finally called yesturday. Not to talk about the relationship but to talk about the separation. I figured it was time to stop playing games, not contacting etc because listen to me people...the no contact rule can work and it can also tear whatever you have left apart. For example, some people are stubborn, very stubborn like my wife for example. I know that if I didnt tell her the way I feel, or show her attempts of reconcilliation she will just shut the door on me. Thats the way its always been in our relationship. If we got into an arugument that was definately not my fault, she would not speak to me until getting an appology or explanation. My point here is that were not in high school and shouldnt play these stupid games of no contact, who's gonna call who crap! After this two week period and us not contacting eachother, I felt it was time to let her know what I think so I layed it all on the line. I didnt beg, I didnt plea all I did was tell her that I love her very much, what I am willing to change, how I would change it and that I'd be willing to do anything to give this another shot and that I didnt not want to throw in the towel after only 10 months of marriage. You know what? If felt good, really good to get it off my chest because I wasnt going crazy inside anymore. Now I wont be sitting here waiting, wondering whats going on etc. She agreed to think about all that I said I will call me later. If any of you are in the same situation, quit wasting your time wondering and waiting. Tell him or her exactly how you feel withought demmanding a instant decision and let it be. If the person you just married still shuts the door on you and doesnt reach back, you'll feel better knowing that you did all that you could. Why would we want to be with someone who doesnt want to fight back for the relationship? There are going to be ruff times in your marriage. There are going to be up's and down's and if the going gets ruff and they just want to leave or quit, you dont want to be with someone like that anyways......

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Just sometimes, a little too much pester can make a woman say anything just to ' put down phone, get out of conversation, put things off till another day. If she really, really wants out then she'll just see all this persuasion as emotional blackmail and you'll end up back together cos she pity's you . It's really hard to be the one who wants 'out' especially when you have to stab someone in the heart to 'get out.

 

I'm breaking up a relationship and i can't stand hurting him, i feel more love towards him cos he's all vunerable now and the woman in me wants to take care of his hurt, but it's even crueler of me to put him thru false hope so i'm trying to be the hard bitch cos i know i have to leave (i'm not making a very good job of it!)

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I'm sorry I haven't written in a while but my mother was flown to the hospital with two brain aneurysms and a stroke last week. She had brain surgery on Wednesday and is still in intensive care. This was all very unexpected as she is 50 and in GREAT shape (we did not know about the aneurysms).

 

My husband, from whom I have been separated for over two months, was at the house when I got the call. He drove me to Pennsylvania (where my mom lives) from North Carolina (where I live). We had been talking about working things out, etc. I just don't know if I can trust him not to leave again. He's been great through this crisis, but I don't think our reconciliation should be influenced by my mom's health. I just don't know how to act, now. He talks as if everything is just fine but I don't want to forget what he put me through right before this.

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