Have your feelings at weddings changed?

[BrokenPrincess]

This weekend I went to a dear friend's wedding. This is the second wedding I've been to since becoming an OW/fOW.

 

The first wedding was 3 months ago while my A was in full swing. It was a non-religious ceremony and the couple wrote their own vows. As I sat there listening, I was struck with the most overwhelming feelings of sadness, nostalgia for how happy I was on my wedding day. And I just felt like a FRAUD. I didn't think I should be there as a witness to their union, knowing that my MM had just messaged me about how beautiful I looked all dressed up (thanks Facebook). I felt like I might curse their marriage. I felt cynical about how much things can change.

 

Then, this weekend, another close couple got married, but now my A is over and we've been NC 2 months. This ceremony was actually the same religion as ours, and more than ever, I re-lived my wedding day. I looked around the church at so many of our close friends and wondered if anyone else had a similar dirty secret. I watched the beautiful rituals, and wondered if these two would make it 35 years married like their parents. Sad

 

I used to love weddings, so full of joy and hope for the couple to "officially" start their life journey together.

 

Anybody else feel differently now about witnessing weddings?

[MissBee]

I don't remember if I went to any weddings during my A. If I did, I didn't feel weird about it. I think it's also because my AP wasn't married either, so that changes things. Had he been married I would have probably not gotten involved at all and if somehow I did, then it might have changed my views.

 

But, it's funny you talk about cursing them . I was telling my sister that I don't know how I feel about my dad (who's a serial cheater) walking me down the aisle at my wedding, as I feel it would be an act of fraud and the biggest curse in the world to my marriage to have a serial cheater "give me away"! I'm a bit torn about that. I may opt to do something nontraditional re going down the aisle, as I want my wedding to be intimate and honest and I don't want any part of it just to be for pomp and circumstance and because "everyone does it that way". I really would not feel comfortable, knowing what I know about my dad and really going arm in arm down the aisle...it would be like some strange comedic irony .

 

I do think there is a lot to be cynical about esp if you're currently in an A. I think it's like when you get a certain car and all of a sudden you start noticing your car everywhere. I think while in an A you may be more likely to think about who is in an A and about fidelity and relationships lasting and so on. Out of curiosity sometimes I see couples and wonder are they an OW and MM out on the town on "vacation" away from their regular lives or sometimes I wonder, this couple looks happy, which one of them is sleeping around on the other . I don't think that all the time though...but LS surely makes me more keen to it at times. But I still believe that there are folks out there in happy, monogamous, truthful relationships and all hope isn't lost. I still enjoy weddings and hope to marry someday.

Edited December 11, 2012 by MissBee

[Lillyfree]

not just weddings, my opinion has changed regarding anything marriage...

 

have to digress a bit - friends of mine have hit a rough patch about a year ago, i have been talking to them about it - more her than him. and infidelity on either side never crossed my mind....

 

had the lightbulb-on-top-of-head moment a few weeks ago while at their house. he's having an online affair, at least. maybe more.

how did i know? he acts/does things/talks the same way i used to when i had mine.

 

so - not specifically looking for signs, but certainly not excluding the possibility of an affair when signs show with other couples i know.

[suki1]

Loads of things change when you've had an affair. One of those is (at least in my case too) how you feel at weddings. I went to one during my affair and I hated standing there alone without him when everyone else had their partners. Then, like you say, in the ceremony you feel different. I got really sad because I thought that even if we did get to do this some day, it would be years and years away.

 

All the comfort I can offer is that this changes later. Now I enjoy weddings again and I hope so will you.

[Pierre]

A common OW position is that they don't believe in marriage so I assume weddings are not well received.

[woinlove]

Interesting post, BP. I was pretty cynical about weddings and marriages as an OW.

 

I used to love weddings, so full of joy and hope for the couple to "officially" start their life journey together.

 

I hope you get back to this state. This is how I feel now and have felt for a long time. I love weddings and always hope the couple find as much happiness as I have.

[Sarabi]

Anybody else feel differently now about witnessing weddings?

 

Hello

erm...nothing to do with currently being/soon not to be someone's bit on the side but I am sometimes sick of hearing about the bloody things.

I have been a bridesmaid 3 times (do you all know that saying, three times a bridesmaid never a bride..?)

All my friends and some family members are married/in relationships/engaged etc. I am tired of it. Its very nice but hey...why does no one want to marry me? And the more I see and hear the "oh it will happen one day" and "enjoy being single" mantras the more annoying it gets if they enjoy being single that much then let them leave their men and women and get back to being by themselves.

So...I would say I feel cynical about it ever happening to me but not about other people.

As for "marriage"...I would really like it to happen to me but I also think(according to what I hear from friends, family and my MM) its definitely overrated. I have a very idealistic/chick lit/chick flick idea of marriage. Sad but true.

 

It certainly doesn't have to be about love and when I think about it I have seen or at least know of several where it is about marrying for papers, marrying because someone is pregnant, marrying because the culture likes for people to be married, marrying to lose virginity in the most sacred/holy way etc. One guy I worked with in America (I am not from there by the way ) told me he got married for health insurance lol

 

P.S. being as I am not even 30, I enjoy playing the "how long will it last" game. I gave the last wedding I attended 15yrs max ...

[Pierre]

Hello

erm...nothing to do with currently being/soon not to be someone's bit on the side but I am sometimes sick of hearing about the bloody things.

I have been a bridesmaid 3 times (do you all know that saying, three times a bridesmaid never a bride..?)

All my friends and some family members are married/in relationships/engaged etc. I am tired of it. Its very nice but hey...why does no one want to marry me? And the more I see and hear the "oh it will happen one day" and "enjoy being single" mantras the more annoying it gets if they enjoy being single that much then let them leave their men and women and get back to being by themselves.

So...I would say I feel cynical about it ever happening to me but not about other people.

As for "marriage"...I would really like it to happen to me but I also think(according to what I hear from friends, family and my MM) its definitely overrated. I have a very idealistic/chick lit/chick flick idea of marriage. Sad but true.

 

It certainly doesn't have to be about love and when I think about it I have seen or at least know of several where it is about marrying for papers, marrying because someone is pregnant, marrying because the culture likes for people to be married, marrying to lose virginity in the most sacred/holy way etc. One guy I worked with in America (I am not from there by the way ) told me he got married for health insurance lol

 

P.S. being as I am not even 30, I enjoy playing the "how long will it last" game. I gave the last wedding I attended 15yrs max ...

 

You are rationalizing.

 

If you found the Mr. Right and he asked you in marriage you would do it in a heartbeat.