Why do I want him?

[naomii]

We met 3 years ago.. and my life has been a roller coaster ever since. I'm happy then i'm sad, but I've been mostly sad for the majority of that time. He used me for money. He used me for sex. He used me for comfort. He punched me once and broke my nose and says I deserved it because I started the fight, although I didnt physically hurt him (maybe a few scratches). He choked me twice (which is why we are now no longer seeing eachother). He was talking/seeing other women behind my back. He lied to me about our "future" just to keep me around.

 

I feel like a fool for writing all of these things and yet I still feel like I need him in my life. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom. I've done more for him than any woman should ever do for a man and received little to nothing in return. I feel like I wasnt good enough for his love. I wasnt even good enough to be his girlfriend.

 

Now it's over and we keep in contact for the money that he owes me (he says he'll send me payments, but im not counting on it), but we both agreed we need to go our separate ways. I feel so alone and miserable. I keep thinking about him with another woman and him treating her perfectly, the way I wanted to be treated and it kills me. I know I deserve so much better, but he was my comfort zone, he's all I've known for the past 3 years and was my first everything. I've been through so much pain, jealousy and frustration and I just want it all to go away, but I miss him terribly already and it's only been 3 days. I have to keep stopping myself from texting him asking if I really meant nothing to him, when its very clear from what I have written that he never loved me. I hold onto the few good times we had together and tend to push aside all of the bad things he has brought to my life..

[naomii]

Part of me hopes one day he will regret all of this, but i hope it will be too late by then.. but i'm sure he wont feel any remorse whatsoever..