One step forward... two steps back?

[ringo]

Well, my H read the letter I wrote to him today. No comments were made about it at all... NOTHING... absolutely NOTHING! But - I did say in my letter that I wouldn't question his response to this letter that he could get to it when he wanted.... He should know how impatient I am! He knows this is driving me nuts!

 

Then today... OMG!!! He actually sat and watch the entire show of Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue - W/ME!! When it was over he even commented on how smart of a man he is.... Hmmmmm..... Interesting.... should I start recording the Wednesday episodes for him while he's a work so we can start watching them together???

 

Well - I know I won't get my response tonight. I know I won't get it tomorrow.... maybe Friday.... guess I just have to wait... ARGH!!!!

[ringo]

So I got my hopes all up. He said we'd have a good long talk and spend the day together tomorrow... well - IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. Once again... he failed me.

 

He got in bed... didn't say anything - so I asked if he called the Chaplain to schedule our appointment (I've been reminding him all day and he said he would.) NO - tomorrow was his reply. Once I realized that he changed his mind and didn't want to have our talk - I told him that I'm not going tomorrow. He didn't say anything, he just rolled over and went to sleep.

 

So now - here I am wide awake and Angry as hell... How dare he do this. Why does he keep putting US off... why does it seem like other things are always more important than this marriage? I just don't understand.

 

I'm doing this to myself. I'm to blame now... because I have yet to put my foot down therefor I allow him to walk all over me and disrespect this marriage. I say I don't wanna divorce because I know if WE try we can make this... but I can't fight this battle alone. Slowly, maybe this is my wake up call....

 

He didn't have the respect for me to be honest about the lies and affairs, the baby - because he didn't want to hurt me. Maybe he wants out but again - he doesn't have the balls to tell me... so he'll keep on pissing me off until I finally say I'm done. I don't know what he's doing. He's either playing mind games with me or he's just that damm LAZY!

 

I can't be mad at him though... can I? I mean - I'm basically putting myself through this now by staying. So I should be mad at myself - right?

[honey2005]

I would be mad at him. He told you he would talk and he didn't. If he doesn't sit down and talk it over with you, there is no way your marriage will last. You two NEED to communicate, but you can't do it all on your own. He has to do his share, too. Tell him you NEED to talk and that it can't wait any longer. Don't let him walk all over you. He's the one who cheated mulitple times, so why are you the one working your butt of to save the relationship? Shouldn't he be the one doing that? You are alot stronger than I would be in your situation. I really admire you for trying to patch up your marriage, but please don't let him treat you badly. If he isn't going to give anything to your marriage you're just wasting your time trying. Don't give him a long time to talk about this.

[ringo]

we talk.... ok, we didn't actually talk... we more likely argued some more. Proof we can not communicate. I asked him to reply to the letter (to avoid this exactly) - he said he'd rather talk than type. Oh no... ok fine. Well, it ended up that everything I said he turned back around on to me. Everythings my fault and I need to do this and that... BS! I got upset.

 

Rather than argue and say something I don't mean I needed to back away and cool down. So I left to run some errands. Well this must have been the drive of my life - because I sat there and told myself - NO MORE. I will no longer allow him to control this situation, break me down, hurt me any longer. I will not allow him to blame me for his wrong doings. I'm done making excuses for him or as to why I want to stay with him.

 

I breathe fresh air (finally). I feel stronger. I've gone from depression - to contentment with anger. Don't know if these are the correct steps.... don't know how many "steps" there are to this situation on the emotional ladder...???

 

Well, I'm done with fighting for this marriage alone. I will play his game of not talking, don't ask don't tell - just act like everything is fine "policy". I've lost so much respect for this man that I've started to find myself disgusted with him. He made the choices he made at the cost of this family. He may not have thought about us when he was doing all his cheating and lieing - but he's being forced to think about us NOW. Only - I think to damage is too great and I can't fight this battle alone, so I'm done.

 

I still love this man for who he once was. But I don't know him anymore. I don't want to know this "new" him. Slowly, with my lack of respect for him, and his lack of doing what's right for us - I know I will gradually fall out of love with him - I will leave him. I deserve better. I know I do. And there's a guy out there willing to give me this - only it's not my H. I need to protect myself and these kids. In doing this, I'm sure I will hurt my H - but I don't look at this as "pay-back" - I look at it as, you've done this, you've created this, you made your bed - now go lie in. We aren't paying for your mistakes any longer. I know now, I must move on.

[Pocky]

It takes two people to make a marriage work. If he's unwilling then you don't have a marriage any more you have a contract. Each of us have our wall and it seems you've hit yours. Can you separate from him? Maybe he'll get the hint? My husband didn't catch on to how serious I was about our marriage ending until I said I was walking out the door.

[ringo]

to spend as much time with our son while I'm here. But that's it. I'm going to file for legal separation. Divorce is down the road, I know. But I'm not going to file divorce in a state that I will not reside in much longer. I will only stay here as long as I have to. I'm ready to move on.

 

I don't look at my decision as "I'm giving up". I have tried. If I didn't, then he would have never came back home and stayed after I learned of all the lies and affairs. There just comes a point where one must decided that enough is enough. I'm not happy "with" him and I won't allow him to turn the finger and place blame on me for what he's done. I know he does this to make himself feel better - but it's emotional abuse. If I allow this, then I'm allowing him to control and hurt me more than he already has. I choose to take a stand for myself - for once.

[Bubbles]

Pack a bag for him. Leave it at the front door. Tell him to go and stay somewhere else. He doesn't act like he is part of the family so he doesn't deserve to be treated like one. Tell your husband that you are sure that he has a number of different places that he can stay so......go find them!

 

I did that to my ex-husband. I called his Mother and Father and told them that he was going to spend some time with them and to please have the spare room ready for him when he gets there......and by the way (I told his Mother) he may need to "have a talk with them about what has been going on - so be ready please"

 

My ex and I never ended up working things out but I tell ya.......he was certainly in the mood for talking when he had to go and stay at Mommy and Daddy's for 2 weeks! My ex husband is an alcoholic. My situation' circumstances are a little different than yours but........Exactly alike in the Non-Communication department.

 

Good luck to you.....be strong! You have to! You are a Mommy......take strength in the love for your child and his love for you - it works!!!

 

Bubbles

[Mr Spock]

Pack a bag for him. Leave it at the front door. Tell him to go and stay somewhere else. He doesn't act like he is part of the family so he doesn't deserve to be treated like one. Tell your husband that you are sure that he has a number of different places that he can stay so......go find them!

 

Ab Fab advice. It seems to me that this man just doesn't want to be married to you anymore!! You haven't thrown him out of the house, for christsake he's still in the same bed-why should he make ANY effort? At all? He's still comfy. You need to find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and at least has the same moral scale.

[Bubbles]

Thank you Mr. Spock! Most people just think I am abbrasive because I call it as I see it. I'm not the kind of person to beat around the bush.

 

I just think that this poor girl has it in her head that we are living in the 1950's and she has to put up with this fool's crap because she would be scorned or cast out of society because she has a son and no husband.

 

She will be so much better off when she finally gets rid of him. Her son will respect her for it later. His Father is the cheater Not his Mother. If she is the kind of Mother that I think she is?.............She's gonna be F I N E !!! As a matter of fact......she's gonna put the " I " in FINE!!!

 

 

Bubbles

[pedwin]

I'm Pedwin,

Another woman living in the 50's. I haven't read your whole story but your husband sounds so much like mine. I feel your frustration. I have to follow mine all over the house to talk to him. I can be in the middle of a sentence and if his cell phone rings he will answer it on the first ring. I guess this means I'm dismissed. If you've read my threads you can see i'm a lot like you. It sounds like you are going to move forward. Do you have money and a place to go? If you do your lucky. The only way I could leave here is by death. I'm so hurt and scared and nothing I say will ever cause him pain. He is so sure of himself that I think he is getting off on all the attention. If you feel like writing tell me how all this started and what you're gonna do. Maybe I can get strength from you. Lord knows I could use some.

Pedwin

[ringo]

I've read your story and my heart goes out to you. We do have a lot in common - this is for sure. I found out a month ago that my husband had a one night stand with a very close family friend, in which she was pregnant. The baby was 2 weeks old when I found this out. Days later I found out about another, then days later, another, then another... I've been played a fool for the past year. My husband is a Marine. Now because of his mistakes, he's being kicked out. No job, no place to go. I don't work and haven't in the past 3 years since I was pregnant with our son. My husband went to war and everything was great - when he came back 9 months later, he was no longer the same person. He's been found guilty of child abuse, spousal abuse, a DUI - and adultery. Hence why he's losing his job. I feel like my husband died in the war and I don't know the man that stands before me. I hurt beyond words. But I've turned my depression into anger - and now I need to protect myself from here on out... because I don't trust him. He's an GREAT actor, and I'm gullible enough to believe everything he says. I think he has more secrets - but I will never know all the truth behind this man.

 

My H is a procrastinator, and I've very impatient. This doesn't help us. I want to talk, he wants to avoid discussing the past. I should just get over it, and get help learning to deal with "My" problems he says. When we do talk, it turns into an argument with him pointing the finger back at me. It gets negative on both our parts, then we walk away from each other. We've talked to a Chaplain together, once before, and today will be the second time. I've spoken to Chaplains, Counselors, Support groups, I've read books, researched info online... everything I can think of to get us help. Him.... hardly anything. He never has time.

 

For me, it's turning into how much I resent him. Each day that he slacks off "fixing us" pushing me further away. I know it's only a matter of time before my love fades unless he steps up to the plate and changes who he was/is and acknowledges that he has issues he needs help with. I can't make him be honest. I can't make him be loyal. I have no control over him, and sometimes I feel like I have no influence in him. We're working against each other rather than together. For me, it's because I'm hurt and I don't trust him. For him... I think he's protecting himself - for whatever reason.

 

His family has been very negative to me. They have nothing nice to say and have made it clear that they support this OW 100%. OUCH! To them, I'm evil and I don't even know why - other than the lies my H told them about me to make himself look better, excusable in his behaviors. He's aware of what they have done and how they have hurt this family as well. He since, has cut all ties with all of them. This was his first action - to prove he's willing to do what it takes to help us get through this. But to me, it's not enough. I know this sounds bad on my part - I must sound greedy or something - but I need more. I need him to be more compassionate, understanding of my feelings. Talk to me, hold me.... don't say things to me he doesn't mean. Don't tell me he's going to do something and then not do it... to hide stuff from me - be brutal honest and spare my feelings... all of this.

 

I would LOVE to talk to you some more. I think maybe we could help each other through this as our situation seems a lot alike. I know we are both going through the same feelings - how stupid we feel for not knowing... depressed, angry, hurt - all of this...

[pedwin]

You are so right. Our husbands are very much alike. Mine is also a procrastinator. He also doesn't want to talk he wants me to just move forward. I talked to the OW last night because he is out of town. She told me things that made me sick. She was with him for 6 years and never knew about me so she was a victim also. He thinks because he has not called her in 4 years he has proven his loyalty. I am a person who hates a liar. If you want to piss me off then lie to me. I taught my daughter this from a very young age. "Tell the truth and shame the devil" is what I always told her. "If you are big enough to do wrong then be big enough to face the consequences. My husband had done some pretty rotten things and I can't get passed them. If I had a job and some place to go I would not be here now. I don't believe a person with this type of personality can change. If you go to personality disorders you might find your husbands picture there. Look up antisocial personality disorder and also narsasistic personality(not sure if I spelled it right)The only way a person can change who has a personality disorder is years of hard work with a therapist. My husband has been going for a few months and now he says he can't afford it. It was just a ploy to act like he wanted to save his marriage I told him the day he quit was the day his marriage was over. I found out last night he has lied about several things since he was in therapy. He told us that 4 years ago when we were moving to another city he called her to say goodbye. Well this didn't make since because he had already said goodbye. It came out in therapy that he just kept the door open. She told me last night that he called to tell her where we were moving to and to give her his new beeper number. I asked him on the phone earlier why he wanted her to stay in touch and he said I guess I thought there might be a chance. In the next breath he tells me he loves me and wants our marriage to work. Is he really stupid or does he just not understand that if he thought there was a chance 4 years ago and we've been married nine years what the hell has change. Except he got caught.

Sorry for running on and on.

Pedwin

[pedwin]

I thought you might like to see these. The therapist told me that it is not uncommon for someone to have a few symptoms from each category.

 

A personality disorder is identified

 

by a pervasive pattern of experience and behavior

 

that is abnormal with respect to any two of the following: thinking, mood, personal relations,

 

and the control of impulses.

 

 

 

 

 

The character of a person is shown through his or her personality -- by the way an individual thinks, feels, and behaves. When the behavior is inflexible, maladaptive, and antisocial, then that individual is diagnosed with a personality disorder.

 

 

 

Most personality disorders begin as problems in personal development and character which peak during adolescence and then are defined as personality disorders.

 

 

 

Personality disorders are not illnesses in a strict sense as they do not disrupt emotional, intellectual, or perceptual functioning. However, those with personality disorders suffer a life that is not positive, proactive, or fulfilling. Not surprisingly, personality disorders are also associated with failures to reach potential.

 

 

 

The (American Psychiatric Association) defines a personality disorder as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.

 

 

 

Currently, there are 10 distinct personality disorders identified in the DSM-IV:

 

Antisocial Personality Disorder: Lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture, marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.

 

Avoidant Personality Disorder: Marked social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and extremely sensitive to criticism.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder: Lack of one's own identity, with rapid changes in mood, intense unstable interpersonal relationships, marked impulsively, instability in affect and in self image.

 

Dependent Personality Disorder: Extreme need of other people, to a point where the person is unable to make any decisions or take an independent stand on his or her own. Fear of separation and submissive behavior. Marked lack of decisiveness and self-confidence.

 

Histrionic Personality Disorder: Exaggerated and often inappropriate displays of emotional reactions, approaching theatricality, in everyday behavior. Sudden and rapidly shifting emotion expressions.

 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Behavior or a fantasy of grandiosity, a lack of empathy, a need to be admired by others, an inability to see the viewpoints of others, and hypersensitive to the opinions of others.

 

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder: Characterized by perfectionism and inflexibility; preoccupation with uncontrollable patterns of thought and action.

 

Paranoid Personality Disorder: Marked distrust of others, including the belief, without reason, that others are exploiting, harming, or trying to deceive him or her; lack of trust; belief of others' betrayal; belief in hidden meanings; unforgiving and grudge holding.

 

Schizoid Personality Disorder: Primarily characterized by a very limited range of emotion, both in expression of and experiencing; indifferent to social relationships.

 

Schizotypal Personality Disorder: Peculiarities of thinking, odd beliefs, and eccentricities of appearance, behavior, interpersonal style, and thought (e.g., belief in psychic phenomena and having magical powers).

[ringo]

but what does it say about a person that is unable to "show" emotion? This is my H. You can see patterns of emotion voiced verbally - such as laughter or yelling when he's angry. But that's it. It's been so hard for me to understand him or even try to. Without verbal communication, you can usually look at how someone is feeling by their body language. Again - not the case w/my H. This only adds to my frustrations...

 

We just got done with our "together meeting w/Chaplain" it went well - I think. H & I are back to not communicating - Chaplain left, H is in one room, I'm in another... this is so sad....

 

Do you have an email address? I'll try to see if I can send you a private message w/mine so we can talk that way.

 

Also, I read your post about talking to the OW... did you H call you back last night? How did that go? Did he admit fault or deny or make excuses?

[honey2005]

I think Mr. Spock and Bubbles are completely right. You don't need to stick around and take the kind of crap he's been giving you. Ringo, Pedwin, you both deserve better. Once you've got the guy out of your life, you can start working on your self confidence again, and you'll find someone who is willing to treat you the way you DESERVE to be treated. Good luck!

[pedwin]

honey,

You are absolutely right but that's hard to do with no resources.

When I tell him I want him to sit down and make some plans with me all he says is " I don't want you to leave. I want us to forget about all this and move on" I told him that was wasy for him to say because he doesn't have images of me f-----g some old whore in a hotel room and at work for 6 years. I talked to her last night and she admitted to me that she was a drunk. I told him the least he could have done was better himself. This is majorly stressful as you know.

Pedwin

[honey2005]

I'm sorry. I've never been in a situation like the one you're in. In another post Mr. Spock suggested playing perfect wife until you had resources of your own, and then just walking out. I think that's a very good idea. You don't need to put up with a guy who treated you the way he did. I know I wouldn't be able to forget the images you are forced to imagine. I am sorry.

[pedwin]

Thank you so much for caring it really helps to have people like you who understands. I hope everything works out for you as well.

Pedwin