Why Did I Let Myself Get Here?

[Woah]

Oi.

 

So I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now. I just graduated college (22) and he has one year left for his masters (bf is also 22).

 

My boyfriend is positive he wants to be with me forever, and already has started making plans for the long run and all of that.

 

Well, we both met this German guy and to make a long story short the German guy stayed with me for about 6 days 24/7 and with my boyfriend for a day as well -- he took the German all around the city and they seemed to have a lot of fun together.

 

Day of leaving comes, and the German kisses me and gives me a $1800 plane ticket to Oz as that's where he's moving for a few years. Then he's going to move to the states once he's done with his PhD (I'm American). German guy says why the hell not, I think I want to be with you -- "I don't want to wake up when I'm 40 and wonder what if I went for you? I don't know if I'll want to be with you forever, but what if we are supposed to be?"

 

I didn't tell this to my boyfriend.

 

Thing is, I'm moving to Europe in March for about 8 months, and the plane ticket to Oz is for April. My boyfriend and I mutually agree that we should break up while I'm in Europe because we think it's the best thing to do for the long run (get the 20s out of our system/not have high expectations for attention because we both require a bit of constant communication/affection).

 

My boyfriend caught wind of me maybe going to Oz and says, "you should stay with *the German!*"

 

My heart broke when he said that.

 

It's hard because I love my boyfriend, but I feel like I'm so young and need to experience more (I've only had one other

""""serious (aka high school)""" relationship but have explored a little bit sexually with others before meeting my bf).

 

The German texts/facebooks/tries to Skype with me constantly. Always wanting to know more about me but at the same time pushing for me to break up with my boyfriend (he says my BFs and I's relationship is ruined cause I made out with him). I tell the German, no f*cking way! I'm not going to just throw away everything for someone I barely know? He says, ok let me know more about you then... and asks questions. He says I can't have my boyfriend AND him and is really concerned with me having sex with "other people" (aka my boyfriend!!!).

 

He says: If you have sex with others, I will too.

Me: That's fine -- I'm not asking you to wait for me or anything. You have the right to do that. Just don't tell me about it -- so do it cause you want to, and not to hurt me.

Him: I thought we would be more open with each other? I just don't want to lose you blah blah blah

Me: You don't have me yet!!!

 

Then he keeps asking about conversations I've had with my bf!

 

I'm really blunt with the German but I feel sick sometimes with how much I talk to him behind my boyfriend's back :/ I've told the bf that the German and I talk a lot and about some of the conversations (obviously the platonic ones).

 

I just have gotten myself into such a hole. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to kill everything between my bf and I for the future -- but I also don't want to miss out on being in my 20s and meeting new/exciting people (like the German). I wish March was here already!!!

 

(Oh and if my story looks familiar it's cause I posted a little of it on the LDR page -- I just changed my SN to something less searchable)

Edited December 11, 2012 by Woah

[TaraMaiden]

Completely cut ties with *the German*. He's insulting you by attempting to get you to cheat/leave your BF and he is insulting your BF by attempting to cuckold him. Old-fashioned term, but then, I'm an old-fashioned gal... I believe in fidelity, honesty and integrity.

 

You could look into those qualities. They're admirable, and will win you respect.

 

It seems you're entertaining these discussions because in actual fact - you love the attention.

Not enough to split with your BF, because otherwise this guy would have stolen you long ago.

But enough to make you realise your BF is not "The one" and Life awaits.

This 'German' isn't the one either, but he's showing you what you could be missing, and your playing into this scenario, is both dishonest and underhanded, but is nevertheless revealing more about what you want.

 

Break with your BF, kick this German to the kerb, and make your own way.

It's a big world with loads of people. Go out and find some fun, expand your horizons and taste Life's wilder side.

But be honest, true to yourself, and never forego your dignity for a risk that just isn't worth it.....

[nofool4u]

My boyfriend caught wind of me maybe going to Oz and says, "you should stay with *the German!*"

 

My heart broke when he said that.

 

Why? You didn't tell your boyfriend this guy invited you to come to stay with him for a while and gave you the ticket to see him. You even planned to go there citing that the ticket was still good in April.

 

So sorry, no matter what you may come back with as a response, you planned on cheating on your bf before the suggestion of breaking up.

 

So why did it break your heart when you planned on going to this guy?

 

Now the break up part can be taken many different ways, but point is, you planned this before you know what would happen.

 

But just how did he catch wind of you getting a plane ticket from "the German"?

 

 

It's hard because I love my boyfriend, but I feel like I'm so young and need to experience more

 

Then rather than accept the ticket and hide the fact from your bf, you should have been brave enough to tell him what you wanted.

 

The German texts/facebooks/tries to Skype with me constantly. Always wanting to know more about me but at the same time pushing for me to break up with my boyfriend (he says my BFs and I's relationship is ruined cause I made out with him). I tell the German, no f*cking way! I'm not going to just throw away everything for someone I barely know?

 

But you thought about it and eventually planned on doing it because you didn't give back the ticket and before finding out about separating before going, you planned to use that ticket to go there and yes, to be with him.

 

 

He says, ok let me know more about you then... and asks questions. He says I can't have my boyfriend AND him and is really concerned with me having sex with "other people" (aka my boyfriend!!!).

 

Oh thats rich. Wants to steal you away from someone else, but feigns morality? Please.

 

 

I just have gotten myself into such a hole. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to kill everything between my bf and I for the future -- but I also don't want to miss out on being in my 20s and meeting new/exciting people (like the German). I wish March was here already!!!

 

 

Then do the right thing. Don't make some temporary break up with your bf. Break up with him completely and go sow your oats. Because if you don't, you will cheat on him later, and really, you already have because you planned on taking this guy's money to go see him in Europe.

 

Then later if you and bf hook back up, thats fine.

 

And if you think you need to experience other men, you have no business being in a committed relationship with the potential to hurt someone.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your boyfriend to be honest with you? Tell your boyfriend the truth that you plan to sleep with this German and and see his reaction. I think you really need to be honest and trustful with your boyfriend. Good luck.

[Woah]

TaraMaiden: Thank you for your insight, and I think you're right -- a lot of it does have to do with wanting attention. I want to have my cake and eat it too but I know I can't -- but I also don't know what to do... If I've already fked it up with my boyfriend :/ I really don't want to tell him about all of this.

 

nofool4u: With the heart break comment, it was from guilt as you've pointed out. The BF found out about Oz because my best friend told me a few things to to in Oz over the phone and he could overhear it.

 

"Then do the right thing. Don't make some temporary break up with your bf. Break up with him completely and go sow your oats. Because if you don't, you will cheat on him later, and really, you already have because you planned on taking this guy's money to go see him in Europe." -- I think that's very solid advice and I just need to get my ish together and do it. Part of me feels like I'm always going to be this way :/ like I'm always going to be some inevitable cheater/wanderer!

 

aasdf: I wouldn't say I don't like the German -- I do, but you're right it is about a deep need for attention and I don't know why

 

Bryanp: Thanks for your advice

[AbeNormal]

The German (nothing to do with country of origin, just personality disorder): idealize, devalue, discard

 

You are on idealize right now (i.e. his "view" of you). Do not be foolish. Stay away.

 

As per you and your boyfriend, I really don't know about this need to sow wild oats. If you two are really connected, then a long distance thing for several months can work. If not, then, well not...

Edited December 12, 2012 by AbeNormal

[GSB81]

I know this is unfair and unPC of me, but it's women like you who are turning me bitter against your sex. All I seem to hear from women I date is "trust is so important!" and "you shouldn't be worried about my male friends!" and then I see stuff like this on here. Your boyfriend trusts you enough to be cool with you spending 6 days with another guy and look what you do. Proud of yourself?

[drifter777]

Any guy who is willing to "suspend" his relationship with you for 8 months so you both are free to f*ck whoever, whenever is not interested in you as "wife" material. I mean, he's encouraged you to stay with a guy he knows you want to screw. Face it; you are just his current regular piece of ass and nothing more. You are young and deserve to experience life and love now before you consider any kind of committed relationship. Break it off with both of these guys and go out and live.

[MichiganMan222]

The irony is you want to 'go crazy' with the German and you'll end up being in the same situation you're in now; only with a different accent. Do you really think Klaus is going to let you run wild? I betting he'll be a possessive little chap. Dump them both. You all three actually sound very unsavory and unworthy of a good significant other anyway. Go be free of anyone and until you mature.

[AbeNormal]

Any guy who is willing to "suspend" his relationship with you for 8 months so you both are free to f*ck whoever, whenever is not interested in you as "wife" material. I mean, he's encouraged you to stay with a guy he knows you want to screw. Face it; you are just his current regular piece of ass and nothing more. You are young and deserve to experience life and love now before you consider any kind of committed relationship. Break it off with both of these guys and go out and live.

 

Hmmm... maybe - but probably not.

 

"So she says."

 

Five will get you ten that the idea for the loose-split over the next 8 months originated with her, and he didn't want to seem possessive or wimpy and "went along". (But, if that's the case, he shouldn't have. And he may be feeling considerable stress/uncertainty now - read her intro about his plans for their future together).

 

She cheated on him and won't tell him. Do you really think she is being completely straightforward on this site (even though it is anonymous)? Certainly you know about denial, rationalization, compartmentalization, shifting, etc.

 

But anyway - your bottom line advice is good. Let the boyfriend go, and stay away from the f-up.

 

And by the way, there is no indication that the bf knows she wants to screw the f-up - the bf could just be naive, worried about coming across as possessive, etc. Could just be a trusting guy who will learn the hard way... Don't know one way or the other. Not enough information here to know with any certainty. One thing I am (reasonably) sure of though, the German is a f-up. Six days together and... And the only thing I am certain of is that the OP cheated on her boyfriend.

Edited December 13, 2012 by AbeNormal

[sayyes19]

I know this is unfair and unPC of me, but it's women like you who are turning me bitter against your sex. All I seem to hear from women I date is "trust is so important!" and "you shouldn't be worried about my male friends!" and then I see stuff like this on here. Your boyfriend trusts you enough to be cool with you spending 6 days with another guy and look what you do. Proud of yourself?

 

That realization hit me hard too back in the day. I would never be cool with that situation. It might weed out the girls that want to be with you, but every guy would rather get broken up with than find out she cheated.

[nofool4u]

The German (nothing to do with country of origin, just personality disorder): idealize, devalue, discard

 

You are on idealize right now (i.e. his "view" of you). Do not be foolish. Stay away.

 

As per you and your boyfriend, I really don't know about this need to sow wild oats. If you two are really connected, then a long distance thing for several months can work. If not, then, well not...

 

Well I don't know. In almost every case like this I advise the person who is cheating, wanting to cheat, or simply is tempted to do so because they want an experience, to first free their committed partner from them.

 

In a case like this, I have seen time and time again people cheating and citing, "I didn't get out and experience life at an early age and got tied down to young" as their excuse for cheating.

 

So I say she should go to "The German", but first breaking it off with her bf for good, not some summer break. Then she can go sew her oats, get her rocks off, whatever.

 

Then later she can decide if breaking up with her bf so she can gratify herself with other guys was worth it. But I digress on that. She should sew her oats, otherwise she is a cheater waiting to happen.