Girlfriend getting hysterical about marriage

[Flux]

I am moving in with a girlfriend that I recently re-constituted a relationship with. We were apart for about a year before I decided to mend the relationship I previously ended. We've both been very happy with this, and we have decided to resume living together like we had before. Both of us are very happy to be sharing our lives again.

 

The only thing that's odd is an obsession with marriage. It's very likely that I'll ask her to marry me, and I know she'd say yes in an instant. However she's gotten to be a tad obsessive about marriage planning. Now, keep in mind, that I haven't even officially proposed yet. There's no ring on her finger at the moment. Now she is periodically getting HYSTERICAL (I mean crying and having anxiety attacks) about starting saving for a wedding RIGHT NOW. Her father is very religious and won't be paying for a wedding. Neither of us being religious (I am a Deist) and myself not being a traditionalist, I don't really mind. However she's already gotten into her head that we're having some huge $20,000 affair and that we need to arrange all our finances around getting out of debt and immediately saving for that wedding. While I'm all for getting out of debt (of which we both carry some), the planning for a huge wedding when I haven't even proposed is a bit over the top. The fever pitch this is reaching is beginning to concern me...

 

Now, I have nothing against getting married. The idea does not frighten me at all. However I think this is getting a bit out of hand. Not only is she planning/saving for a wedding when we're not engaged, but she's deciding that we're going to spend a $*@%load of money doing this. She especially wants all the gifts/showers associated with wedding. She "wants all the free nice stuff," she says. This grates pretty hard against what I believe in and what she normally believes in. Our lives and our families would be better suited to a small wedding. Neither of us have many friends (we are very selective with our friends), nor large families. On top of that, not many people we know could afford to get us all the "good stuff" that she constantly obsesses over.

 

Cliff notes: She's trying to push/pull me into wedding planning for an expensive, greed/self-importance driven wedding and I'm concerned.

 

Edit: Please do not refer me to marriagebuilder.com. I've read some stuff there and have found some useful information, but the condescending attitude taken towards people who choose to live together before getting married, despite statistics, irritates me.

[dyermaker]

: I won't refer you anywhere. I think you need to talk to her though, specifically telling her what you told us. Explain to her:

 

• You're not interested in a big wedding.
  
• It's not just a bridal day. You'll not only be participating, but you'll also be remembering it forever.
  
• You have some ideas for the wedding as well. (Introduce your ideas)
  
• Finances are a legitimate concern; would you rather spend money on a flashy wedding, or would you rather spend money on your lives together?
  
• That her zealousness is annoying. It's off-putting, and doesn't make you feel great about marrying someone who's so ringthirsty.
  
• Anything else you fee you need to communicate to her. Communication is very important, especially if you're to be married.
  

[Rosiecat]

I know it's going to be tough to convince her, but the money would be far better applied to a home rather than a one-day event! Since she has so much energy, she could apply it to shopping for some great deals! I'm planning my own wedding, and have some ideas for you. I can guarantee that it's going to spend more than you think, because it always does...

 

An afternoon wedding is always less expensive. She could choose the type of dress that she wants her ladies to wear, and they could buy their own. Or rent them... tuxes are definitely far better to rent than buy. Instead of the big dinner where everyone has to wait to eat, a buffet with finger foods is a great way for people to relax and mingle.

 

It's so nice when you know friends who can do the photography or play the music. If not, hire students!

 

Grocery stores are often able to supply a wedding cake or flowers at a far better price.

 

She can shop around for invitations and decorations. For instance, Michael's craft store or Walmart sell beautiful ribbon and silk flowers for a great price.

 

I guess she might freak out if you mention any of this, but she has to ask herself, does she want to start out in debt? She can arrange an incredible wedding at a fraction of the price. Good luck!

[katie79]

If you say you want to propose marriage TO HER and have no problem with it, tell her that. It will come her nerves. While it's good to be open to ideas on a wedding, obsessing over a wedding is a waste at this point. My bf got me a ring, and I see wedding stuff and make thoughts, but you know what...I believe things when i see them. I will start saving when and if we set a date (go see my threads on my problems). As of now, all I can say is I just came back from shopping at the mall. The money I save now is for me, not a wedding. That comes after engagement. You gf sounds like my bf; he talks about where and how we'll get married all the time (which he brings up, he even told my dad he got me a ring and is giving it to me soon), and he stresses over it. Then I just tell him let's get engaged and focus on the actual ''wedding'' later. Then he postpones the engagement, but that's my story and my problem,not yours. Do what I do and tell her you want to propose and marry her, but you will start planning and saving for a wedding later. You can discuss it more seriously AFTER the engagement. Besides, who knows what kind of a wedding you'll both want by then. Thoughts change. Maybe she wont want such a big wedding when the engagement comes b/c she'll be more realistic about the money matter that goes into it. It's too early for her to stress over money for your wedding. You have plenty of time to be miserable for that issue later!

[SoleMate]

You describe her as hysterical, obsessed, greedy, and self-important.

 

And you want to marry her...???

 

That said, I have heard that many women do lose their brain cells when the idea of a wedding comes up. If they have lifelong fantasies of being "princess for a day" in an elaborate gown, with a major event to prance around, it may be hard to shake it. In which case you'll have to decide if you love her enough to meet this deep-seated desire of hers even if it costs $$$$.

 

BTW, I agree with you about the inappropriateness of such an expensive shindig, but our opinions do not trump her desire. You'll just have to talk through this one with her. Like dyer says, talking through these tough, emotional issues is excellent training for marriage.

 

And on http://www.marriagebuilders.com: Like so many other things, they have lots of good stuff, and some stuff that may not suit your particular situation. I myself sort through and use the parts that make sense to me.