Prewedding jitters and thinking of ex?

[Syrope]

Hello!

 

I'm new to this forum but in need of some thought processing/input concerning some pretty confronting prewedding jitters.

 

Quick background, I'm going to be married soon to a wonderful man. I'm originally from Canada but we met while I was on a student exchange in Australia in my third year in university. Before him, I had been in a three year relationship with my highschool/college sweetheart. We went on a 'break' before I left to go on the exchange but ended the relationship while I was overseas.

 

My realtionship with my fiance is great, we live in Australia and though we have our issues like all couples, I could not be with a better man. Although I had occassional thoughts of my ex, I let them pass and never tried to make contact with him in the almost four years that I have been with my current partner.

 

However, recently (current) my fiancee and I have returned to my home country (Canada) to spend the Christmas holidays with my family and friends. We also visited Canada last year, but we were not engaged then and had not bought a house together.

 

This time though, the visit has been plagued with consistent thoughts about my ex to the point that I'm constantly in tears or struggling to withhold them. Everything reminds me of him (which is strange, because our last visit I did not feel this way at all). I have this great urge to get into contact with him (but have resisted) and have started wondering about what could have been.

 

I find this confusing, frustrating and feel sick with guilt for even feeling this way, and I don't understand why I feel so unsure all of a sudden about the choices I have made and this is somewhat ruining the enjoyment of my trip.

 

Is this just an emotional reponse to closing a chapter to my life and starting a new one? My relationship with my ex was much more passionate and intense, but my current feels more real, adult and life-long. Of course, with my ex we did not have the responsibilities that I have with my current, so I feel that I could be romantising this past relationship.

 

Any input would be appreciated

[Radu]

You need to break off the marriage part or at least put it on hold, or this will end up in a much bigger disaster involving an Australian national in Canada, kids, arguing, entrapment and a broken man.

 

One thing i noticed in your post is that you compare the 'grown-up', relationship you have with the present guy with the passion and carefree attitude you had with your former guy.

 

My guess is that you either are not ready for this step, and pushing through with it will result in the aforementioned 'DOOOOM', or you simply deep down do not feel that hot about this man ... the forecast will remain the same.

 

You need to stop right now, and talk with him, other older women, etc ...

 

I also want you to read a book that helped me [guy, 30], understand some of the processes that go through a woman's mind in your situation or similar ones.

It's called 'Women's Infidelity' by Michelle Bachman.

I hope you won't freak out on the title, the subject of the book is the processes that a woman goes through untill it gets to a broken marriage because of infidelity [these processes are important], i am by no means accusing you or implying that it will get to that [though it might].

[Mint Sauce]

could be regular pre-wedding jitters, where your ex is just a place holder for that which you loose by choosing this man.

 

or it could be grief about the break-up with your ex which you didn't deal with yet...

 

why did you break up with your ex?

[Syrope]

The main reason my ex and I broke up was due to the changing direction in our lives. I was continuously moving forward with education and opportunities that arise from that, while my ex was content to stay in our hometown and continue to live/raise a family there.

 

I realized after some time that I would have to make a choice: graduate school or him, and after working exceptionally hard and sacrificing many things in my undergrad to maintain an A+ average so I could get into graduate school with funding, I wasn't ready to just give that up for someone who I wanted to be with....

 

As we grew a bit older, the distance was getting to us more and more, with me being frustrated that my ex never wanted to leave his hometown and start a life with me. There was also some 'drama' I suppose in which I never really felt (now that I think more clearly about it) that I was the 'one' for him, due to his on again-off again friendship with his ex that also caused some problems.

[dpc1192]

i mean you still love your ex obviously

[Daniel V. Ross]

It seems that you haven't get over with your past yet. Maybe you should think twice before getting married.

[Million.to.1]

Do you know what your ex is up to at all? What he looks like? If he is in a relationship?

 

Maybe you should think about meeting up for lunch. You may find that when you see him, all those feelings are dead now. Or maybe they aren't. You have to know though, or it will be like a cancer eating away at your current relationship.

[StateGuy]

First, look at what is right with your thoughts and feelings versus what you or anyone else perceives is "wrong" with the situation. You state you are marrying a wonderful guy which is great but more important you recognize you are having some normal nervous feelings. Nobody but yourself can decide if there truly is a "problem" that needs to be worked out no matter your current situation. It is normal to think of past relationships when getting married as now you are emotionally responsible to another person.

 

Your constant tears and struggles have nothing to do with your ex but only about your NORMAL insecurities, fears and doubts about the future. It is a good bet that if you ended your current engagement and got back with your "old flame" you would have similar feelings since this is about commitment and marriage.

 

Please do yourself a favor and stay away from the old boyfriend. He will not understand why you would come knocking on his door after four years. You will no doubt end up in his arms and bed and feel terrible about it later in life if you go through with the marriage. LET YOUR OLD BOYFRIEND REMEMBER YOU AS YOU WERE THE DAY YOU GUYS BROKE UP INSTEAD OF HIM LOOKING AT YOU AS WEAK AND OUT OF CONTROL. AND DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS.

 

You state clearly that you made decisions to better yourself by getting out of that relationship. Again, do not allow a guy who you broke up with four years ago to view you in a different light from those days.

 

Am I an expert? Hell no but I do have experience and your story mirrors close to several girls that I am friends with....

 

The person asking you if you know what your ex from four years ago looks like or if you know what he is doing is missing the point to be polite...Is he in a relationship? Who cares...it was 4 years ago...

 

I hope we can agree that if you reach out to the ex that means in no uncertain terms that you are not ready to get married no matter who the lucky guy might be watching you walk down the aisle.