Thinkalot Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Hi all. I've posted more than once about my relationship with mum. We have always been Super close, me an only child. The fact that mum lives in an expensive house, she chose to buy, and now has major money issues. The fact that my fiance, a financial planner, is frustrated with mum's spending habits, her expectations that we will help, and the guilt I subsequently feel when she tells me her situation etc. Well today, something came up. One of those issues which usually results in comments, either direct or indirect from mum, that imply she is dissapointed, or that I/we are not doing enough. The issue: her computer has had a meltdown. Not worth repairing. Now my fiance and I have two computers we are about to sell, to fund a more advanced computer we recently bought. Mum initially wanted to swap my computer and hers over, but my fiance was reluctant to do so, thinking he'd rather just sell mine and his. And now this has happened, and mum is without a computer. The conflict: mum hurt dissapointed because we havent simply given her mine, and feelings that we are being cold and hurtful. My fiance seeing this as yet another situation where mum is in a financial bind and not able to take responsibility for it herself. (this has happened a lot more than once). Me, frustrated that mum cannot just accept our decision, and let us live our lives and be happy for us, and that she still says stuff. I lost it, I cried, I toldher how much guilt I feel for many reasons, and how stressed out I get. I asked her to please respect me as an adult, and my relationship. The other fact is, we are paying for her to go to Fiji for our wedding. Recently I mentioned that she should try and watch her spending on things she might not really need, because my fiance would probably get frustrated (this is when we were considering living with her for a while...another story), considering we are paying for Fiji. She told me that was a hurtful thing to say. She brought that up again today. I was trying to gently point something out, in case we were all living together. I also heard about all that she's always done for me etc etc I do things for her...I seeher once a week, I shout lunches/movies etc....I sometimes help out with other little things...I've taken her on holidays before...and we are after all paying for her trip to Fiji for our wedding. Before this, I paid for her computer to be repaired. etc I offer emotional support. I worry. I try hard. Anyway, I expressed my concerns, hurt and anxiety to her today. She said she'd stop telling me her worries. I said that was not the issue. F*ck it. I just want peace and harmony and acceptance. Before this she was looking forward to seeing me tomorrow to show me something she'd got for our wedding. Don't think I'll visit tomorrow now. Thanks people for your patience in reading this, if you've got this far. I tend to vent about this issue one way or the other quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Don't feel guilty because you don't want to support your mom's poor financial habits! Your mom has to get a grip on reality that she lives in a capitalist society, with this simple rule: If you cannot afford to have something, then move over for someone who can. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Ever get the feeling that you are playing the role of parent to your mom? Is it possible that she is trying to control you by "just" sharing all her worries with you? As a computer geek I can't imagine what could have happened to your mom's computer to render it "not worth fixing" unless it's a laptop or really old. What happened to it and what kind of computer is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 12, 2004 Author Share Posted August 12, 2004 It's a laptop Craig, and the screen went, and needs to be replaced....we were told it would cost $500 My fiance often says I 'parent' my mum P.S. The thing is, when we spoke today, we'd already found a solution to the computer problem...dad has an old monitor, which he is giving to her, and she can plug it into her laptop. She doesn't really use it as alaptop anyway. So I couldn't see that she needed to make her points at all really. But she wanted to, and did. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I'm sorry that things still aren't better with your mother:(. I know you've been trying VERY hard to help her out and get her life back on track, but you have to realize that you're doing the best you can do, and if she doesn't decide to do what's best for her, it's not your fault. You have no reason to feel guilty. I understand your mother's wanting to stay in her house, but if it's messing her life up so badly she really does needs to move, get a boarder, or do something. It's not fair for her to worry you like this. It really does seem like you're the mother and she's the daughter, like Craig said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 12, 2004 Author Share Posted August 12, 2004 Thanks Honey.... nice to have support. Nice avatar too! Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Oh a laptop screen and that's an excellent solution that your dad came up with! Good thinking Honey is right, you have no reason to feel guilty if her choice is to bury her head in the sand and ignore what she knows she has to do. It's time to cut the cord! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 12, 2004 Author Share Posted August 12, 2004 Originally posted by Craig It's time to cut the cord! Thanks, I know. Why is that so hard???? Even now, as I sit at work, I am worried that she is home upset. I'm so tempted to want to call to smooth things over, and make sure she is ok! What about how I am feeling? LOL! Am I a lost cause? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 12, 2004 Author Share Posted August 12, 2004 BTW, I am 31 years old!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Originally posted by Thinkalot Thanks, I know. Why is that so hard???? Even now, as I sit at work, I am worried that she is home upset. I'm so tempted to want to call to smooth things over, and make sure she is ok! What about how I am feeling? LOL! Am I a lost cause? It is hard because that is the way you make it for yourself. Stay with me I am going somewhere...were you abused by either of your parents? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 12, 2004 Author Share Posted August 12, 2004 No I wasn't. I only remember my childhood as loving and supportive. Mum and Dad split when I was 4. Obviously that was turbulent. I became very close to mum, and for many years it was just the two of us. Even in my twenties, I can see now, that we were still tied very closely together. I had other serious relationships before this one...but never to the point of marriage.My fiance and mum have clashed before. I had to make a choice then. I chose him...and chose me I guess. It's still tough though. I hate if there is conflict between them. I always try and protect mum. I'm trying to get out of that habit. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Okay I guess I'll go somewhere else...maybe I'll say something that means something or maybe this doesn't apply to you situation. You and your mum became very close and continued to be very close even into your twenties. Your mum could be experiencing some resentment toward your fiancee for "taking" you away from her. There is/was a pretty strong emotional connection between you and your mum and from the sound of it closer than, dare I say, most other parent-child relationships. It is time for your mum to become aware that she is in fact your mum and that you and her are not supposed to be best friends. She is your mum, you are her daughter. Having her acknowledge this could go a long way to free you from the bonds you are feeling to her, become more of your own person and as a result not feel/be so controlled by her. Your mum seems to be looking to you for parenting/nurturing. Whether she is aware of this or not she seems to have looked to you, perhaps earlier than you are aware of, for nurturing that perhaps she didn't get from her own parents. Once your mum and you accept that she has been seeking nurturing/parenting from you it could set the stage for growth and reveal a healthier relationship between you and her as well as between your fiancee and her. I could be wrong but I thought I'd share my thoughts with you. As a first step I'd recommend finding a counsellor in your area that specializes in children parenting their parents to explore this further and hopefully find the happiness and fulfillment in life that you and your loved ones deserve. Good night from California Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 12, 2004 Author Share Posted August 12, 2004 Your words are thought provoking, and I'd say you've hit a few truths. Thank you Craig. Sleep well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted August 13, 2004 Author Share Posted August 13, 2004 Well I tried to discuss my anxieties and concerns with mum again, but we ended up fighting again, and yelling. Never good. It seems we are destined to agree to disagree on a few issues, about what kids owe their parents etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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